There are reasons that I am shattered beyond repair right now. There are reasons that I have fallen from the cliff of delusions into the sea of insanity. And I wholeheartedly acknowledge those. That's why I'm here. My world has lost hope, and it has been shattered because of it. So I lie here, broken beyond repair, in hope that someone will put me out of my misery.
They're gone. Every last one of them. Mom, Dad, Tobias, who died for me. Caleb, who is as good as dead to me. Christina, who died for Will. I can trust nobody. They've killed them all, and I still see their ghosts. The tell me to join them, they cry for me at night.
Darkness. That is what I crave right now, darkness. The beautiful darkness where I will be with Tobias again, the darkness where I can talk to my mother again, the place where I can set things right with Christina. She didn't know it was me. She didn't know it was me who pulled the trigger and sent him into the oblivion. One shot. One perfectly aimed shot at the head or heart, is all it will take to send me spiraling there too. The place where my heart needs to be. Only when my body is cold and stiff will I be free from the chains that keep me in this prison of flesh and blood. I want it gone. I want to be gone.
This is it. I remind myself, once she is done getting all she can get out of you, her last act of mercy will be to end you.
I want to do something. I need to do something. These are the last days of my life. I should talk to them. Talk to the ghosts that haunt me.
"Tobias." I say, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything. It's my fault. It's my fault." I start to sob. He is here, holding my hand telling me that it won't hurt. I clutch to the delusion as if it were true. Because these are the only times I get to see him, the only time I get to hold him, touch him now. This is what keeps me going. This is what is stopping me from refusing all food and water. This is what reminds me that a far less painful end will come if I wait. So I will wait.
I almost enjoy some of the simulations now. She lets me see them. She lets me speak to them, touch them. I tell them that I am coming, that I miss them. She is still upset that the simulations don't fully work on me, and I almost am too. I want to fully believe that they are alive, that they are with me. She can keep working. I'm beyond caring what happens to me. Everyone is gone. Uriah will make it. He knew Christina and Tobias, but not like I did. He can keep going. I can't. Maybe in another lifetime I could convince him to go with me. But not this one. He is not here and I am beyond caring anyways.
Peeter walks in. "It's time."
I almost smile. No more will I be a test subject. I will be gone within the hour. It will finally be over. Goodbye Uriah. I say in a soft whisper. That is the only goodbye I need to say. Nobody else cares.
We walk down the hallway in silence. I mentally go through the lists I made as some last minute preparation. No use having a panic attack because I don't want to go.
Deep breaths. In. Out. In. Out. That's better.
We arrive at the room. I lay down on the cold table. This is it. These are my last moments in this world.
She attaches me to a heart monitor. Good. I want to see the line go flat, I want that to be the last thing I see.
Purple serum.
I think I might have wistfully smiled. I see them now clearer than ever, pulling me towards the darkness. I don't object. I let them unlock my chains of flesh and blood and make the world of the living fade.
Fade.