A/N: This show causes me much pain. The way Salex ended causes me much pain. Their initial separation pre-canon causes me much pain. Was re-watching the series and this was born. Takes place when Sean comes to Alex's rescue during 3x06. Takes place after Alex hugs him and the scene ends. So the rest of that episode would have turned out differently. You know, without the Sean-being-a-douche part. Enjoy.

Disclaimer: If I owned Nikita, Sean never would have left in the first place. And he definitely wouldn't have died. So obviously I don't own it.

He wished it didn't feel this good to have her pressed against him. He wished it made him feel nothing, and that he could find the strength to push her away. Then again, he wished she loved him. He wished they'd never been apart in the first place, and he wished that instead of shooting up a room full of criminals, they were at home living a domesticated life.

He wished a lot of things.

So when she hugged him, he just kind of stood there. Because he knew if he wrapped his arms around her, he'd want to kiss her. And if he kissed her, it would make walking away again that much harder. If he knew what was good for him, he'd pull away right then and there. He'd give her a cold shoulder and walk away. He'd ignore her. But that wasn't going to happen. He'd never been very good at ignoring Alex, even when he hadn't liked her very much. And that was before the Russian had bewitched him. That was before her eyes haunted him, and before her smile kept him up at night.

And then he heard it. Such a quiet noise that he almost didn't notice, but a noise none the less. It sounded a bit like a whimper, and then a sniffle. Alex's body began to shake against his, and then he heard a broken sob escape her lips. His arms immediately wrapped around her, but it didn't do much to still her crying. In fact, she seemed to cry harder. Her breathing came in short gasps and he could feel her begin to hyperventilate.

"Alex, shh. You need to calm down. Calm down. This isn't good for you."

Nothing was working and he moved to sit on the ground, pulling her with him. She was pulled awkwardly into his lap and he begin to make rocking motions, trying to still her. He could hear her begin to mutter unintelligibly, and he smoothed her hair away from her face. That's when he heard her broken whisper.

"Please don't leave me. Don't leave me again, please. Please. Please."

His heart sank to his stomach and he wrapped his arms around her tighter, pulling her farther into his lap. "It's okay. You're okay. I'm right here. I'm right here, Alex." She shuddered, grabbing desperately at his chest. His hands moved in soothing circles on her back, and she seemed to slowly calm down. Soon she had quieted, only a few tears falling from her eyes to his shoulder. She pulled her face away from his shirt, looking down at his chest. A chill went through his body as he took in her tired, sunken eyes. Paired with her pale skin and thinning arms, he realized what was going on.

She was using again.

"Alex- are you okay?"

She shook her head. "No I'm not okay. You aren't here. How can I be okay when you're not here? I called you Sean, I called everyday. I'm sick, I'm so sick, and I miss you. I miss you so much. I need you here. I love you, and I need you here. Please come back. Please don't leave me. I-"

His heart swelled with her words. She loved him, she really loved him. He leaned forward and captured her lips, moving his hand to the back of her head. She kissed him back eagerly, and almost knocked him back with the force. Her lips moved greedily against his, almost as if she was trying to inhale him.

He felt like the biggest idiot in the world. How has he walked away from this- from her? He felt her body shaking as she leaned forward and grabbed his collar, trying to pull him closer to her. Finally. He'd dreamed about this moment more than he cared to admit. A scenario in which she had missed him just as much as he missed her, where she loved him back. He'd only dared to hope that she was just as miserable without him as he was being apart from her. He pulled away from her lips, bringing his hand to rest on her cheek. She was panting, out of breath, and smiled at him. Her eyes were still red and puffy from crying, but he'd never seen anything so beautiful in his life.

"Please stay. Please. I can't leave Division, not just yet. Nikita's my family. And I can't be with you without knowing this place has been laid to rest. I'll be constantly looking over my shoulder all the time. But I love you, and I can't be alone without you again, I can't."

He rested his forehead against hers, wiping a few stray tears away from her cheeks. "You don't have to be. Not again. I love you, so much Alex. Too much."

He'd never seen her smile so big. "You have to get clean though. I can't watch you do this to yourself." She nodded vigorously, and enthusiastically, like a child who was getting their favorite toy back.

"I love you." He whispered, then grabbed her hand and pulled her up. His heart ached at the look of longing on her face. At how much time had been wasted. He was determined to make up for that. He the his arm around her and pulled her up against him. "Come on, let's head back so we can pick this back up."

He wished a lot of things. And apparently, someone out there was in the business of granting wishes.