Baby girl,

I guess that's all I can address this to… We never got round to selecting names. Hayley, perhaps, in honour of the woman I loved so dearly, the woman who was my real mother, my sister, my best friend; the woman who showed me the definition of strength, who never gave up on me, no matter how much I lashed out. Maybe, if Peter had cared enough, we would have named you after Lucy; Simon's mother. I'm sure that would mean the world to him, both of them, but Simon in particular to have a little sister, someone who depended on him, someone who truly loved him. Then again, we could have gone with a completely different name, something that symbolised who you really were, who you were going to grow up to be.

But we never got the chance… I never got the chance, because now you're gone.

I don't blame you; I would have done the same, if I could, all those years ago. To prevent myself all the pain and suffering I was brought up to believe was the essence of life. The torture, the screaming, and the nights I stayed up with my hands fastened over my ears, penetrating them in order to block out the horror that unravelled outside my bedroom door. The knife I had instead of a mobile phone, the sleeping pills I had instead of fruit sweets, the car crash I had instead of a family.

You would not have endured that. I would have kept you safe, cared for you, protected you and loved you. You would have heard lullabies instead of smashing glass, the scent of home rather than damp, toxic, emptiness. I would have let you grab my finger over and over, wrap your tiny hand around my thumb, for as long as you needed in order to feel secure. You could have played with my hair, tipped your dinner on the floor and cried until the pain had dissipated from your mind. Unlike I ever could. I would have held you, I would have never given up on you, that is something I can promise.

I suppose I was right all along; being a mother wasn't in my nature, which had been something inflicted on me since day one. I hadn't expected it, it was the most fearful I had ever been when I found out; losing my figure, night feeds, excruciating pain, eighteen years of dependence, stretch marks, tears, fights, unknowing. But none of that mattered; you were worth all of that and so much more. I felt you grow inside of me and I thought 'I can do this'… 'I can be a mother'. I believed it, soon enough the idea became real to me and as scary as it was, it was the most beautiful gift I had ever received.

You were part of me; half me, half the love of my life. We could have done it without him, you know? Just the two of us, supporting each other through the pain and the laughter. At the end of it all, we didn't need anyone else but ourselves, just the bond that we had already built together, in the short time that you grew inside me.

I wish I could have kept you safe. I wish I had shown you sooner how much you meant to me. I wish I could one day hold you in my arms, watching you grow before my eyes.

But for now, we are parted, because life is a test of our strength, a battle of wills, we both know that. One day I will see you again, but until then, know that I will always love you.

Forever and always,

Mummy xx

So I'm thinking of doing a fanfiction full of diary accounts or letters like this. So give me some suggestions of people Carla can write to, they can be deceased or alive and I'll try and write them up as soon as possible.

Sorry for the heartbreak in this, I hope you liked it! Leave a review xx