Hey peoples! (Yes, the mistake was on purpose.)
So this is a very, very sad one. Nuff said.
*Warning: Character death
"I'm sick of this."
He knows. He knows but he only nods because he's afraid to admit out loud that, yeah. He's sick of this too. He's sick of Carlos' dark clothes. He's sick of the downhearted mood settling over the both of them. He's sick of pretending to be happy when he really isn't happy at all.
Carlos' hand reaches out and lands directly on Kendall's face. Five fingers cupping the pale skin of Kendall's cheek.
Kendall looks down at the boy in his lap and smiles. Carlos is the only thing that ever makes him smile anymore.
But even Carlos' skin is covered in angry red cuts. Some scars, some from this morning. There's no point in hiding them. There's no point in hiding anything if you want everyone to see. If you want everyone to see how you're really feeling, deep inside.
Kendall really loves Carlos' smile.
But love is a feeling both boys have been surpressing lately.
He's sick of this. They're sick of this. Neither has admitted yet but they don't want to be around here anymore. Kendall is sick of living when the only one worth living for wants to die.
He remembers it like it was yesterday.
The cold, panicked voice on replay in his mind. The words he's still terrified to hear, circling around his head. Every minute of every day of every week. He can't forget them.
"They're dead, Kendall! They're all dead."
Kendall and Carlos weren't there when it happened. Though they were suppose to be there. Two open seats in his friend's car. Two seats they were suppose to take on the way to the concert they, Kendall, Carlos and their five best friends, were going to. Two seats, unoccupied when another car crashed into the dark Toyota.
They were dead in a matter of minutes.
Each one of their friends erased from the planet like a pencil line on a sheet of paper.
At the time, Kendall didn't know what to do.
He made Carlos call his mom to pick them up and rush them to the crime scene. When they got there, the only thing he could see were ambulances and police. And two destroyed wrecks of both cars, hooked into one another.
You couldn't even tell what parts were from which car.
A police officer came up to him but the only thing he heard was the faint sound of someone talking. When the guy left, Carlos collapsed in Kendall's arms. For a minute, letting go of the happy,teenage boy role he should have been playing.
"They're dead, Kendall! They're all dead."
But he was too busy trying to wake up to notice.
Though, he will never forget what came after that.
Kendall will never forget all the moments he spent trying to fix himself. He tried new hobby's, got in contact with his real dad in prison. He spent more time studying than he ever had in his entire life.
But it was too late.
The steady presence of his best friends was gone. Just like that. Not even his dad could fill up that empty hole in his broken heart.
Carlos was a whole different story. He was the only one who knew what Kendall was going through. Carlos was the only one who understood. And that's how the cutting started, too. It released pain like no amount of love ever could.
It was Carlos's idea, but soon they were both doing it. Kendall was the one who came up with the anorexia thing. When there really was an empty void in his body, the hollow in his heart wasn't so painfully obvious anymore.
Then Carlos came running to him with those damn pills. A solution. When they took those, the sadness seemed to fade away into nothing. When they did all those things, they weren't able to feel all that pain anymore.
At the time, it seemed like healing. But in reality, they were breaking each other down without even realising it. Like a skyscraper, making their way to the very top and then demolishing floor after floor until there was nothing left to destroy anymore.
The only thing they ever really did was ruin each other.
"Kendall?"
He looks down at the hispanic boy in his lap runs his hand through the raven locks.
"I don't want to do this anymore."
Kendall takes a deep breath and mentally prepares himself for the question he's about to ask. But unlike everyone thinks, he isn't afraid or scared for Carlos' reaction. No.
"Do what anymore?"
He's afraid because he already knows the answer.
"This, Kendall! The pretending. We're not fine. No matter how many times we say we are, we aren't. We're not fine and we never will be. I'm just so sick of smiling and being happy and, and...Kendall. I don't want to live anymore, okay? I've never said this, I know, but. I don't want to live anymore."
He can feel Carlos getting up from his lap. When he opens his eyes, the boy he loves, the boy he knows he's about to lose is staring out of his bedroom window. Gaze lifted to the sky, filled endlessly with glimmering stars.
"How?" The word is like venom on Kendall's lips.
"The skyscraper on 24th. I'm going to jump."
Kendall lets out the breath he was holding and nods.
"I'm jumping too. I won't let you do this alone."
He makes his way to the nodding boy at his window and wraps his arms around Carlos' waist.
"Ever wonder if they're out there? Sometimes I like to think that they're stars now. And that they're Always appearing when I need them. When I need something to look up at, you know? Something to clear my mind. I like to thin that they can see my every move. Wherever the hell they are. Do you think they're watching us?"
Kendall lifts his gaze up to the stars, lights reflecting in his green eyes.
"Guess we'll find out soon."
It's weird but Carlos smiles. Knowing he can end all of this pain, finally after months of torture, it's the only thing that makes him genuinely happy right now. The only thing that can lift his mood.
He returns Kendall's tight embrace and rests his head on the boy's strong shoulder. They're ou there, somewhere. He just knows it. He can feel it in his heart. They're watching him from up there.
"We're on our way, guys. Just wait for it."
If there's anything in life that Kendall will Always appreciate, it's friendship.
Being cared for, being cherished and meaning something to someone.
Kendall has a lot of people he cares for.
There's his mom, sister, Carlos, his grandparents even his dad. And plenty of friends. Best friends. So when five of those people are suddenly gone, just like that, your heart stops. For a second, maybe even less, your heart stops beating. And it takes years and years and maybe even a lifetime before it's running on full speed again.
But in Kendall's case, his heart just refused. There was still the pumping of blood through his veins and his steady breath appearing in tiny clouds od smoke in the cold winter air.
But his heart broke into a million tiny pieces.
Kendall is still living but his life stopped the minute he saw those five coffin disappearing into the ground. Five mahogany chests on their way to underground.
The most painful moment was probably the eulogy he was supposed to read. The most hurtful words he had ever put on paper. With about a Thousand eyes watching him, parents that knew him so well, classmates trying to understand what he was going through.
He couldn't do it.
He kept the words hidden deep inside his broken heart.
When he came home, he hid the letter in his cabinet beneath his sink. Out of sight, surrounded by stacks of towels and wash cloths, where no one with even think you'd hide something.
No one ever found it and Kendall never ever had the strength to read it to anyone. Not even Carlos. The only friend he has left. The only one he's still here for. And that's why he is jumping too. That's why Kendall will Always go where Carlos goes.
Carlos is the only bit of love he has left.
Suicide. Something most people find selfish. But Kendall didn't do it for himself. The idea itself was crazy. Completely and utterly mad. But the person it came from, Kendall would do anything for.
"Kendall, you should eat something."
He looks up from the counter and locks eyes with the big brown ones. They used to be warm and cheerful. Right now, not even a piece of that happiness is left. They're just empty and sad now.
"Does it matter? I'll be dead in a few days, anyway."
Carlos doesn't cringe. Like any normal person would. Instead he nods and stands up to grab something from the fridge.
"Are you scared?"
Kendall is. He's scared of leaving the world behind. It might have been lonesome and empty but it was his. No one ever wants to give up what's really their's alone.
"I'm fucking terrified."
Carlos chuckles. He keeps this smile plastered on his face. And Kendall knows he's thinking about something. Something that will probably make him cry but that doesn't stop him from asking anyway.
"Tell me."
Carlos comes up behind Kendall and wraps his arms around his slim waist. His face is buried in the crook of Kendall's neck and yes, he thinks. This is how it should Always be. Pure happiness and love radiating from their bodies. But all he can ever feel is pain.
"Remember that time when we all went to Disney World? Bryan said the exact same thing."
He does remember. He remembers everything. Every memory they ever made. All of six of his friends, Carlos included. They hold a special place in his heart. A special place where not even the loss he experienced can touch.
"He was so cared of that one ride, but we pushed him into it. Urged him forward right until he caved. When he came out he-"
"He threw up on that old lady."
And then comes one more memory for Kendall to hold hostage in his mind. In that secluded place in his heart.
They start laughing. They start laughing like they never have before. Minutes they snicker on and on. Like there's no ending. And when they're done, when they find their breathing and the house becomes quiet again, the smiles on their faces remain.
That's what Kendall is doing it for. To have those smiles of their friends reunited with their own.
It's Wednesday.
Exactly two months after the accident.
Life is normal. Kids are making their way to school, businessmen and women in suits getting in fancy cars. Everything is exactly the way it has Always been.
Carlos Garcia and Kendall Knight are standing on the roof op a forty-story building.
It's cold up there. A chilly wind embracing their bodies. Kendall is thinking. What if their friends were still here? Where would they be right now? Probably on their way to school. To continue living the perfect life.
They used to be seven teenagers. A friendship, a brotherhood ready to take on the world together. Now all that's left of that brotherhood are two broken boys balancing on the edge of a skyscraper. Whatever is left of Kendall will be gone in just a few minutes.
But he can take that.
He's thinking about his family. About all the people he is leaving behind. All the people who need him. But the truth is, that he doesn't really care about that anymore.
The only one he needs is standing right there next to him.
"You can leave, you know? If you want to."
Kendall shakes his head.
"I don't. If you go, I go."
Carlos nods and grabs Kendall's hand tightly in his. It's terrifying. He can see all those people like ants on the ground. It's scary to know that after this, he won't be one of those people anymore.
But when Carlos takes a deep breath and moves his feet til the brink of the building, Kendall does the same.
"I love you."
They're so simple. Three small words, but they really mean the world to Kendall. They're everything he needs to hear right now.
"I love you, too."
Carlos smiles. It's nervous and scared but it's real.
"This is for you, guys. We're on our way."
He doesn't know who ends up jumping first. The only thing he does know is that they will crash together. They Always will.
Even through all the misery they have been through, the only thing Kendall can remember is Carlos' smile.
Jennifer Knight is going through her son's old stuff when she stumbles upon an old sheet of paper. It's hidden behind a stack of towels and wash cloths in the cabinet underneath the sink.
She picks it up and makes her way to the old bed. The room is empty. Kendall's stuff is in boxes, piled up in the basement. Three years is a long time. He would've been twenty-one this year. But she couldn't keep the room the way he left it. It would hurt too much.
She does come in here sometimes. When she can't sleep. She opens the boxes and buries her face in one of his shirts. She hates that she didn't get the chance to say goodbye. That she never had the chance to listen to Kendall's story, his pain and his loss.
That's why she unfold the piece of paper.
'Eulogy October 7th, 2010'
I don't really know where to start. While I was writing this, I cried. So incredibly much. I spent hours looking at pictures and reminiscing everything. But I couldn't come up with anything.
No words can describe how I feel inside.
Bryan, Kasey, Amanda, Steven and Carey were loved. Loved and cared for. By everyone. Everyone they had ever met in their lives. Five lives that were way too short. But Everyone cared about them.
And I hope with all my heart that that will never change.
People often asked me how seven people would share a friendship like ours. I Always told them the same thing.
I told them that, even though we fought all the time, about the stupidest things. I told them that even though we could kill each other sometimes, we would Always jump together.
But now it's just the two of us. Just me and Carlos.
And it doesn't feel right, you know? We didn't even get the chance to jump together this time. It's just so unfair. We got left behind and somehow I should be grateful for that but I'm not.
I would give anything. Anything to be reunited again.
I'd give anything to have them all back.
I just wish I could go back in time. Not so I could stop this but just so I could say how much they ment to me.
I just wish that, somehow, I had the chance to tell them goodbye. To take care of themselves. To tell them how much I loved them and how much I will miss them.
I don't want to jump alone.
But you know what? I won't. I've got Carlos. And we will get there, buddy. Wherever our friends are. We will get there, together. We'll meet up with Bryan, Kasey, Amanda, Steven and Carey someday.
You and me, Carlos.
But until that time comes, we will have to be strong. All of us. Everyone who ever knew them. Who ever knew how great they were. We will have to make it through the hurt. Until the time is right.
And then, I promise you, Carlos and even you guys up there. I promise you that, when that time comes?
We jump together.
Jennifer Knight folds the paper into a perfect square and puts it back where she found it. Behind the towels and wash cloths she really needs to remove from that cabinet underneath Kendall's sink.
At least she knows now. Why her son did this to himself. At least she knows now that her boy is happy. That's finally, even after all this time, he's still with the people he needs and loves. Even when he's gone.
She knows now, that Kendall Knight and Carlos Garcia are out there, going from place to place. Maybe still hurting, but at least, with their best friends right there next to them.
So, if anyone didn't understand why Kendall and Carlos killed themselves, just PM me or something. The names of the five friends were chosen by me, they have no special meaning or anything...
Thanks for reading and HAVE A PALMWOODS DAY!