Until the day I die,
I'll spill my heart for you,
For you.
Ben Solo and Poe Dameron had been friends for their whole lives. Throughout their childhoods to their adulthoods, they always promised to protect each other.
The Jedi and the pilot. Best friends. Brothers. Inseparable.
Poe was always the more celebrated between the two, his prodigious flying skills making him a legend across the Resistance with a fiery personality to match his reputation. Ben, unlike his shorter friend, was calm and collected, a thinker and a logician. He liked to analyze things, but he wasn't always great with words. They couldn't be more different, but each complemented the other's strengths and weaknesses.
And to Poe, Ben Solo was the only thing that completed him.
As the years go by,
I race the clock with you.
But if you died right now,
You know that I'd die, too.
I'd die, too.
Besides flying, Ben was the only thing that occupied Poe's mind. He often thought about how he should confess that he loved Ben. How to take their relationship to the next step.
Lately, though, Ben had been acting rather strangely. Differently. More torn. More conflicted. Anything that had troubled him in the past, he'd confided to Poe. But this he kept silent, no matter Poe's protests. Ben hardly talked at all to anyone now.
It was only when Ben took his starfighter off Hosnian Prime that he spoke three words to Poe. They were not the same three that Poe had planned on. "I need answers."
And then he left.
You remind me of the times when I knew who I was.
But still the second hand will catch us,
Like it always does.
Two years later, Poe Dameron met Kylo Ren. It was on the same forest moon of Endor that the Rebels had launched their final attack on the Empire. Poe had only been a child then, but he remembered his father telling him stories about the attacks on the Death Star.
Was it a coincidence that Poe was at the Endor station on the same night the Knights of Ren raided?
Poe was helping to organize evacuation teams. After a few unsuccessful response tactics, he made the decision as a leader to get as many people off the moon as possible.
How he wished Ben were here. He'd probably be able to fend off the Knights with the help of a few other Jedi, igniting his green lightsaber and - and -
No. Stop it, Dameron. Focus. You've got a mission to complete.
Poe made the last few background checks and boarded his own X-Wing, BB-8 whistling at him.
"Yeah, buddy, let's get out of here." Poe flipped some switches and started up his heavily modified X-Wing.
"Hey boss?" Poe's comlink staticked to life.
"Snap?" Poe frowned. "What's up?"
"Did Master Skywalker get out okay?" Snap Wexley asked. "We don't have a check on him."
"I'll scan the base and find him," Poe affirmed. "You just go on ahead, Snap."
"Alright, boss. Red Five out."
"Black Leader out."
Poe put away his comlink with a sense of dread. Where could the Jedi Master be? Surely, he wouldn't take on the Knights on his own, would he?
Pushing the doubt out of his mind, Poe flew his starfighter over the trees, keeping as close to the forest as he dared. "BB, scan for Luke."
The droid whirred a response and a light appeared on Poe's naviscreen. Poe grinned. This would be easy. "Thanks, buddy."
Poe steered Black One to a clearing in the forest, conveniently devoid of vegetation. It was only when he exited the starfighter that he realized why: the trees had been deliberately cut down, scorch marks that could only be from . . .
Poe removed his helmet, letting the rain soak into his dark brown hair. Loading his blaster, he walked carefully around Black One. "BB, stay here. I'll be right back."
He had hardly gone a few steps before he stumbled on a log. No, not a log, Poe realized in horror. A body.
Looking around, Poe saw several bodies, both human and Ewok, sprawled on the ground, piled in places, rain coating each with a light shimmer. Poe fell to his knees as he recognized a few faces. Rain dripped down his face as he kept a swift vigil for the massacred.
"Who would do this to you?" Poe whispered, standing again. He looked around and trudged on; Luke should be nearby.
Suddenly, he glimpsed a figure clad all in black with a hood and cloak, holding up a smaller figure by the neck before running it through with a blood-red lightsaber blade that closely resembled a broadsword.
"No!" Poe shouted, and the black figure whirled around, advancing on him.
"Step out of the shadows," the figure said, in an eerily familiar voice that Poe couldn't quite place. "There's no point in hiding from me."
An invisible force squeezed Poe's neck and lifted him in the air towards the figure. Instinctively, Poe clawed at his neck, trying to relieve himself of the suffocation, but only gouging rough cuts with his nails. He landed at the figure's feet and gasped for breath.
"Let him go, Ren," said another voice, the voice of Luke Skywalker. The aged Jedi activated his emerald-green lightsaber with a distinctive snap-hiss! "This boy is no Jedi."
Ren chuckled. "Indeed, he is not." He held his double-quillioned lightsaber by Poe's throat and his heart pounded in fear as the heat crept all over his face.
Suddenly, the crimson lightsaber retracted and Kylo Ren knelt down by Poe Dameron. Ignoring a warning from Luke, he unclasped his mask, revealing familiar angular features, glossy long black hair, and a pair of deep brown eyes that Poe would never forget.
"Long time, no see, Dameron."
"Ben?!"
Until the day I die, I'll spill my heart for you, for you.
Until the day I die, I'll spill my heart for you, for you.
Ben's brown eyes were still beautiful, but they were cold, his brow furrowed and his expression was stony. "That's not my name anymore. I am Kylo, master of the Knights of Ren."
"Ben . . ." Rain slid down Poe's face more noticeably. Or were they tears? "What happened?"
"That's not my name!" Ben roared, standing and igniting his lightsaber. At the same time, he hoisted Poe up in a Force choke. Poe tried to reach out to his former friend, failing as he heard the whoosh of Luke's lightsaber.
Ben/Kylo swung his lightsaber just in time to defend himself. With his focus distracted, Poe fell to the muddy ground. He hid his face in his jacket sleeve as he heard teacher battle student, lightsabers flashing wildly with loud crashes as they met. He caught a few of Luke's words as they dueled -
"Ben, please don't do this - there is good in you - you don't have to do this - Ben - please - come home - Ben -"
With a shout of rage that seemed more animalistic than human, Ben/Kylo sent Luke flying with a Force push. "Don't lecture me, old man! Stay out of my way!"
With that, Ben/Kylo summoned his mask from Poe's side and clamped it over his face, storming away into the darkness. Shaking, Poe lifted his blaster at the retreating figure. Such an easy shot . . . why couldn't he do it?
You have every right, Dameron, he told himself. He tried to kill you. Kylo Ren tried to kill you.
But Ben still has to be in there, right?
The blaster fell from Poe's trembling fingers and his head collapsed onto his forearm as he succumbed to his pain and grief. "Ben . . ." he repeated his friend's name over and over again. "I loved you. I loved you so much."
A single tear fell behind the mask on the departing First Order shuttle.
Should I bite my tongue until blood soaks my shirt?
We'll never fall apart,
Tell me why this hurts so much.
No one had comforted Poe at the rendezvous on Yavin 4. General Organa - Leia - had ushered him into the care of a 2-1B medical droid while Luke and Han were fighting, yelling, screaming at each other. Poe pretended not to notice as the shouting turned to Leia as well.
The droid applied bacta patches to Poe's neck and gave him a blanket and a change of clothes. After leaving his flight suit to dry, he pulled on cargo pants and a black shirt, throwing his leather jacket over his shoulders.
He sat on a bed in the medical wing, his helmet in his arms. The feel of the familiar headgear normally comforted him, but tonight it was cold and stony like everything else.
Why, out of all people, why Ben Solo? Why couldn't the leader of the Endor massacre be someone other than the only friend Poe had in the galaxy? The friend that Poe had lost and mourned and made his peace with was back to haunt him. Why? Was it something Poe had done?
A soft growl jerked Poe back to the present, and he looked up to see the Wookiee, Chewbacca. Poe himself wasn't completely fluent in Shyriiwook, but he could understand enough of it.
"Yeah, I'm fine," Poe said hoarsely. He coughed slightly and Chewbacca sat down next to him.
Poe rubbed his forehead with his palm. His throat closed, his breath hitching. He didn't trust himself not to cry. He was Poe Dameron, for crying out loud! He'd taken on two Star Destroyers and a frigate in the past and destroyed them all single-handedly. He never missed a shot. He always made it out of a dogfight, always survived, always carried on.
Chewie let out a low roar, soft and questioning.
"Ben," was the only thing Poe could choke out.
The Wookiee made a raspy "hrnngh" sound.
"You already knew?" One tear slid traitorously down Poe's cheek. Another. Another. "Why didn't anyone tell me? Ben is . . . was . . . my best friend . . ." He clenched his hands into fists and shoved his knuckles in his eyes, forcing himself to stop crying.
Chewbacca's eyes were soft and gentle. He put one furry arm around Poe's shoulders and pulled the pilot into a sort of hug. He rumbled a question, and Poe broke down completely.
"Yes!" Poe cried into the Wookiee's thick fur. "Of course I loved him! He was all I had!" He was unable to say any more, but that didn't matter. Chewie patted his back and murmured sympathetic growls.
Suddenly, Han burst into Poe's room and Poe tried to regain his composure. "There you are, you big furball! Pack it up, Chewie. We're leaving."
Chewbacca roared demandingly.
"Does it matter?!" Han retorted, equally fierce. "Get going!"
In all of Poe's life and his troublemaking with Ben when they were younger, he had never seen Han this outraged. Leia, his wife, came after him.
"Han!" she said reprimandingly, all the authority of her rank gathered about her. "You can't just send Luke away like that!"
"Watch me," Han said with an uncharacteristic sneer.
"We can work this out." Poe could tell that Leia was just as furious, but was trying to keep her temper. "Han -"
"Forget it, princess," Han cut her off. "Luke failed as a mentor. I failed as a father. You said so yourself. Chewie, come on!"
"Han -"
"Stop it, Leia," Han said, and a spark of helplessness flashed briefly in his eyes. "Just stop."
And then Han Solo left, taking Chewie with him. Neither of them looked back.
"General," Poe tried. "Leia -"
"Not now, Poe," Leia said stiffly. "I need to be alone."
And just like that, Poe lost the three people he had left. All in one night.
My hands are at your throat and I think I hate you.
But still we say, 'Remember when?'
Just like we always do,
Just like we always do.
Five years later, Poe was still fighting for the Resistance. He had no idea why he was still there when he'd lost everything, but it kept him busy. Busy was good these days.
He had been sent to Jakku to retrieve a piece of Luke Skywalker's map under Leia's orders. Honestly, Poe didn't see the point. If Luke didn't want to be found, why bother?
Either way, he'd managed to send BB-8 away with the piece of the map before he was captured. Poe didn't remember much of it, but Kylo Ren was there. Poe could almost feel the dark energy radiating from the First Order Commander, much stronger than their last confrontation. He briefly remembered snarling viciously at his former friend, "I remember the man you used to be, before you hid behind a mask and called yourself Kylo Ren."
He passed out and woke up in the interrogation chamber. A man by the name of General Hux had asked questions concerning the map as a pair of stormtroopers beat him senseless. Poe resisted with furious tenacity; he had been trained to combat these brutal torture techniques.
Then came Kylo Ren, forcing himself into Poe's mind, ripping through memories and thoughts. The pain was excruciating, but Poe tried to resist this, too. He thrust random memories at the dark figure, memories of flirting with mechanics, destroying Star Destroyers, drinking like crazy in local cantinas . . . and Ben.
As Kylo found the bundle of memories carefully locked away, Poe couldn't take it anymore and screamed, cried out all the pain he'd endured alone for the past five years.
"I'm Poe Dameron, and I'm going to be the best pilot in the galaxy!"
"I'm Ben Solo."
"So your mom is the General of the Resistance?"
"So you actually destroyed a Star Destroyer on your own?"
"Cool! You're a Jedi now?"
"I'm sorry about your parents, Poe."
"Yeah, it's a bowcaster. Chewie showed me how to use it."
"You know, you can move in with us anytime you like."
"You're my best friend, you know."
"Ben, what's wrong?"
"Ben, you okay?"
"Ben?"
"Ben?"
"Ben!"
Poe screamed as the forgotten memories flooded back into him. Tears slid down his cheeks as he forced himself to look at the dark figure in front of him, the man that had burned Ben Solo and risen out of the ashes as Kylo Ren.
Kylo retracted his hand as though he'd been shocked. He made as if to wipe the tears away, but turned away so quickly that Poe doubted he actually saw the movement.
Desperately, Poe cast out his thoughts to Kylo's retreating figure. He knew Ben was still in there somewhere; he had to be.
What happened to us, Ben? What happened to two friends racing X-Wings on Hosnian Prime? What happened to all the Tatooine Sunsets we drank at the local cantinas when your parents weren't looking? The friend who comforted me when my father died? Where is he? What happened to you? To me?
I thought I loved you.
Though Poe did not know it, Ben Solo had heard every word exploding in the pilot's mind. A part of him ached at his friend's despair, and the call of the light side flooded through him. He hated himself so much for causing Poe's pain, but he couldn't show it in front of the First Order.
Two voices, one sentence.
I still love you.
Until the day I die, I'll spill my heart for you, for you.
Until the day I die, I'll spill my heart for you, for you.
Starkiller Base had been destroyed. That was about the only good thing for Poe. Kylo Ren had disappeared. Rey left to go find Luke. Finn was comatose. Han was dead.
And Kylo Ren had killed him.
So while most people were celebrating, Poe was mourning. What was it about him that made people leave? First his parents, then Ben, then Han and Leia . . . and now Kylo, Finn, Rey, Han for good?
A whir at his feet made Poe look away from his drink. BB-8 looked up at him, beeping and clicking sympathetically. Poe wanted to hug the droid. At least he still had BB.
"Hey, buddy." A small smile graced Poe's lips.
BB chirped excitedly, displaying a holomessage from Leia. We may have a lead on the whereabouts of Kylo Ren. I don't want to send a full squadron in case it's false, but will you go to the ruins of the Jedi Temple on Coruscant and confirm our information?
Kylo Ren. Ben Solo.
Poe's fingers flew across the keys as he frantically typed a response. Yes, of course. I'll comm in once I've found him.
The reply back from Leia was almost instantaneous. Thank you, Poe. Please bring my son home. And be careful.
"Come on, BB," Poe stood up with a new kind of energy. "We're heading to Coruscant."
I'll spill my life,
Yeah, I'll spill my life for you.
Coruscant had changed a lot since its days as the galactic capital. Once shining and teeming with diversity and life, the streets were now dirty and unkempt, filled with an unsavory sort. Poe had visited Coruscant a few times and knew approximately where the Jedi Temple ruins were. It wasn't too hard to find, the five spires rising well above the rubble surrounding it. Poe landed his fighter about a quarter-kilometer away in a conveniently clear area.
He checked his surroundings. The air was stale, but still breathable. Poe loaded his blaster, removed his helmet, and left BB-8 in charge of the craft.
Poe made his way toward the old temple. He couldn't imagine how it must have looked in the era of the Old Republic, the tall and sinister spires looming over mountains of stone and crumbling frames. He walked around and found himself in a large, open area with what looked like the remains of large chairs - for the Old Jedi Council, perhaps?
"You came," Kylo Ren's voice greeted Poe as he whirled around to see the dark, masked figure slowly stalking towards him with an eerie sort of grace to his movements.
"I told you he would," said another, new voice. It was hollow and spoke barely above a whisper, but Poe could feel the authority and power radiating from the gaunt tones. The voice belonged to a pale figure clad all in black. It was hard to say whether it was human, what with its sunken bald head, piercing yellow eyes, and pale grey-white skin.
"Who are you?" Poe said, trying to keep the fear out of his voice. He raised his blaster slightly, gripping it with both hands.
The figure chuckled. "I am Supreme Leader Snoke. Master of Kylo Ren." Snoke slithered up to Poe's face, towering over the pilot. "So you're Poe Dameron, the Resistance pilot. You're responsible for the defection in the First Order, the destruction of Starkiller Base. And yet," he paused, smiling evilly, "you have a soft spot for my apprentice, do you not?"
Neither Poe nor Kylo offered a reply.
"Kylo," Snoke said. "Dispose of this trash."
"Yes, Master," Kylo responded, almost mechanically. Snoke retreated to one of the large chairs as Kylo drew closer to Poe.
The expression behind the slitted mask was unreadable, but Poe threw down his blaster, the black weapon clattering on the floor. "Ben," he said softly.
"Fool," Kylo Ren growled, igniting his lightsaber, the plasma energies ripping eagerly from the hilt. "What did you hope to achieve by coming here? Your death?" Kylo charged, raising his blade.
Poe swallowed. "Are you going to just kill me like you killed your father?"
My hands are at your throat,
And I think I hate you.
We made the same mistakes,
Mistakes like friends do.
Kylo stopped, mid-swing. He lowered his lightsaber. In a low voice, he said, "I did what I had to do."
"He loved you, Ben!" Poe argued.
"He abandoned me," Kylo seethed.
"Ben, please." Poe looked into Kylo's mask, desperately trying to reconnect with the dark brown eyes he knew so well. "Don't do this."
"Begging for mercy, Poe?" Kylo sneered. "I never would have expected it from you."
"Fine then, kill me," Poe said firmly. "But take off your mask. I want to meet the eyes of the man that kills me when I die."
"Whatever." Kylo pulled off his mask and tossed it aside. "It's your death, after all." He prepared to strike again, raising his lightsaber arm to bring the deadly blade across Poe's body.
In the same instant, Poe grabbed the front of Kylo's robes and pressed his lips to Ben's. "I love you, Ben," Poe whispered against Ben's mouth. "So much."
Ben froze. He made no move against the pilot, no struggle, no fight. His lightsaber fell out of his hand and lay, deactivated, across Poe's blaster.
We make the same mistakes.
Ben could taste salt on his lips - Poe's tears or his own? Slowly, uncertainly, he slid a gloved hand through Poe's hair and brought him closer, deepening their kiss. He wanted to stay like that forever, Poe's mouth on his, their bodies pressed together. The light rushed back into him. Why had he fallen so far into the darkness? When this love, this light, had been waiting for him for so long?
All too soon, the kiss ended. Ben took off his gloves and wiped Poe's tears with his bare thumbs. "I'm so sorry," he whispered. "I love you, too, Poe."
"Enough!" Snoke shouted. He glared at his apprentice. "Kylo Ren -"
"My name," Ben interrupted, wrapping an arm around Poe, "is Ben Solo."
"Very well the," Snoke sneered. "Have it your way."
Poe saw the lightning coming and reacted the only way he knew how, his reflexes honed from the years of flying. Darting in front of Ben, he absorbed the fatal blast discharged from the Supreme Leader's hands with his own body.
"NO!" Ben shouted. He summoned his lightsaber, activated it, and leaped on Snoke, cutting his former master's head from the rest of his body. Once both parts of Snoke's body fell to the ground, Ben abandoned his lightsaber and rushed to Poe's prone form.
"Poe!" Ben shook his friend. "Poe, wake up!"
Poe's eyelids fluttered. "Still here . . . Benny."
"Poe." Ben's voice broke as he heard Poe call him by his old childhood nickname. "Poe, you've got to stay with me."
"Too . . . late . . ." Blood glistened on Poe's lips. "Sorry, Benny . . ."
"Why?" Ben cried. "You reckless idiot! Why did you - did you -"
Poe grunted in pain, struggling to speak. "Because . . . I promised." He looked up, meeting Ben's eyes, and touched the side of his friend's face tenderly. "Always protect you . . . Always . . . love you . . ."
Ben's heart broke with his voice and he was unable to say anything else, sobbing incoherently. "Poe . . ."
Until the day I die, I'll spill my heart for you.
Poe summoned the last of his strength to smile up at Ben. "Love you . . . Ben . . ."
His eyes closed for the last time, and his hand went limp, falling from Ben's face.
Ben screamed in grief as he felt the life exit his friend's body. "Damn it, Poe, I love you! Wake up, Poe! Wake up! Don't you dare die on me!" He shook Poe's body roughly, even though he knew there was no hope of a response.
Ben buried his face in Poe's unmoving chest, searching for a nonexistent heartbeat. His tears soaked into the pilot's worn leather jacket, steadily growing colder. "I just got you back . . . Why?"
The unspoken words hung in the air.
Until the day I die, I'll spill my heart for you.
~Fin.