Facets of love
Part One: I love you, heart and soul
Pairing: Heero/Duo
Word Count: 2.491
Warnings: Angst, Heero's POV
Summary: Heero realizes that he won't be able to lie to Duo any longer and writes him a letter, explaining that while he loves him, there is something he needs to say.
Author's Note: Ok, how to describe why I wrote this… Heero's problem in this ff might seem very weird to some people, but I know that it exists at least with one real person. I'm not sure if it has a specific name, it just is. I chose to give it to Heero from all those characters I write because I can imagine him having a similar problem pretty well. Also, 'Facets of love' will be a mini-series of at least three parts. Maybe there will be more, but right now there are only three planned. They will each stand independently though, so I'll post even though the others are not quite finished yet (right now it seems like I'll finish them soon, but my muse is a picky thing right now and I better make no promisies XD)
Explanation for the title of this part beneath the fic ^___^

I love you, heart and soul

The first time I realized something was really wrong with me was as I started to realize how gorgeous you are.

And I don't mean your body, though that doesn't mean it's not attractive. Just looking at it objectively, you have one of the most handsome bodies I have ever had the privilege to see, but that wasn't why in my mind, I couldn't help but think about you as being gorgeous. It was your spirit, the way your eyes showed me a soul behind them that left me without breath. The way your heart made you act without dirtying your intentions with motives that were less than pure. It was… just you.

Back then we were still at war and thoughts that didn't have anything to do with fighting or how to win the war were not encouraged. Still, I couldn't help thinking about it. You had caught me in the blaze of your flame, leaving me behind like a moth longing to be burnt; teasing, but never catching.

True, the first time it actually was me who left, but that mostly was because I couldn't deal with what was going on inside me. After that, I got more used to it. And as I progressed, getting used to my feelings, you seemed to have caught on.

I still don't know if that was a good or a bad thing. See… as I first realized that I'm feeling more for you than for a simple comrade, I also realized that I would never be normal. Where I knew I should have dreamed of your touch, of being close to you, I dreamed of loving gazes and warm words.

At first I pretended that was because my feelings went beyond simple lust, that I didn't want you just for sex. I pretended that I was just trained too good to simply let my body control my needs.

It didn't take me long to realize what a piss poor excuse that was.

I might not have the best social skills, but I know what should be normal about our age. Having wet dreams was something that happened more often than not and the wish to have a warm body in ones bed should have been first on my mind, no matter what my training said.

The dreams were there, well enough. I couldn't stop them and more than once grew aggravated at myself for getting distracted. Masturbating was something I had gotten used to, but this was another thing entirely. However, I don't think anyone who falls in love with another dreams of them pleasuring themselves, or watching them getting pleasured by some invisible lover, instead of actually touching them. I have been around enough boys our age as we attended different schools to know that the usual dream was to touch or fuck that-and-that girl or guy. No-one ever spoke of making love or being in love. It was just hormones running wild. And while I didn't think I could ever be so casual, the fact that I didn't want to make love to you worried me.

I pretended to ignore the dreams I would usually get, forcing myself to imagine making love to you. Sometimes, very rarely, it worked. I would be able to get worked up about it and climax, though it would never leave me as satisfied as my natural dreams. Other times the image left me with a cold feeling in my stomach and any lust I might have felt left me before I even could get started.

That was during the time we had first started to flirt with each other. I didn't know we were doing it at first, but it was hard to be oblivious to it for long. All those winks you only gave me, all your efforts to be near me, all those time you went out of your way to touch me… there was no way to pretend you weren't doing it, and my heart swelled just thinking about it.

But beneath it all, though, my fear was still there. I wanted you. I wanted to be near you, to be loved by you and to love you. I wanted to share my joy and my pain with you, to be there for you whenever you needed me. The only thing I didn't want, was your touch.

I could tolerate it well enough. My training had left me with a certain aversion to touch, so I considered that this might just be a hang up I had. However, it was unavoidable to get touched whenever we went undercover in all those schools, and I had learned to deal with it. Teenagers touched each other, I learned that pretty fast. If it was only a slap on your back for something done well or simply a half-hug to greet each other, the usual behavior showed a lot of body contact. And while I didn't encourage it with anyone, you always had a way of just doing things. I could never be angry with you about it either. I could only ever be angry with me.

Once I had realized that my aversion went farther than just remains of my training that I didn't want, I had to think about what I really wanted. By then I knew that I loved you, in my own way. I wanted to be near you whenever possible. I didn't mind sitting close to you, as long as we didn't touch. Sometimes I even managed to imagine curling up together without flinching and feeling good about it, as long as we left our clothes on. I cherished those times.

It was once you initiated the next step of our relationship that I was torn. I knew that no matter how you felt, you wouldn't stay for long once you would realize all I wanted of you was your presence, your company. My feelings were still too new, too precious to handle losing you, so I decided to pretend… and to hope that maybe, I would just get used to it and maybe learn to even like it.

It was a dumb thing to do, even though it actually worked somewhat. The first kisses we shared were… awkward, though I told myself not to notice. Whenever my thoughts would question the fact I would pretend that we were both new to this and didn't have much practice. It would get better with time.

It did get better. There actually were times I could enjoy the kisses. I was happy back then, thinking that maybe I would be able to overcome my aversion. So far it certainly looked this way. It was only that once you actually started touching me that I realized that no, there was no way I would ever get used to this.

I hadn't known what I would feel once you would actually touch me. I knew I didn't want your touch in my dreams; that I always tried to not imagine your touch on my naked skin. I could tolerate it as long as I wore clothes, but skin on skin was just too much.

I can remember the first time it happened as if it had only been a few hours ago. I will never, in all my life, ever forget your expression as I recoiled, frightened by my own feelings of hate. Hate of your touch; hate for myself. You were confused, and rightly so. Up to then it had been good, we had just been kissing and tried to relax after another hard battle. It was only once your fingertips actually had found their way beneath my tank top that I flinched away.

Seeing the confusion on your face I knew I had to act fast, to do damage control before I wouldn't be able to any longer. I remember I told you that you caught me by surprise; that I wasn't used to anyone touching me. I remember the shock fading from your face, giving way to this warm, gentle smile you give me and which I crave. I felt lower than scum right then. I hated having to manipulate you, but I couldn't face the chance of you leaving me. Making you belief that I simply had to get used to everything because I was a virgin might be believable, but I still knew it was a lie.

We went slower from then on. We still kissed, but you had taken to just sitting close to me or wrapping your arms around me. This was something I learned to have no problem with most of the time, could even enjoy at times. As long as the contact wasn't skin on skin, everything was still fine. Admittedly, there were still days I felt like I just wanted to recoil, that I felt violated in a way I can't describe, but as long as it was you and no-one else, I could force myself to like being close to another. The time following that period was the best in my mind, even though the war came to its worst.

Then the war was over, and there was no question in either of our minds that we would want to stay together. That was something I hadn't a problem with. I knew I wanted to stay close to you, to live with you. It was only the other aspects I didn't like, feared even. But still, my desire to be near you won out and we took a small apartment together.

Back then I didn't think I would ever be able to tell you how relieved I was once we decided on taking separate bedrooms. I know that you spoke of it being the sensible option, seeing that we hadn't done more than kiss and cuddle at that point and that two guys living together just wouldn't get as much attention if they moved into a two-bedroom apartment instead of a one-bedroom, but I still couldn't help feeling relieved.

In the months that followed, my bedroom became my sanctuary. I hated myself for thinking it, but I still couldn't help it. Whenever everything became too much I was able to simply retract to my bedroom, not even needing to recite any kind of excuse.

I always wondered if you never asked yourself how it came that I ran away at the most inane of moments. You never said anything about it, however, and I relaxed. I felt like shit about having to do it, but still, it helped. I forced myself to endure more and more every day, to try to like all the things we did together. Now that the war was over and we had all the time in the world was a big plus, seeing that neither of us felt the need to rush anything. And seeing that you believed I was completely virginal kept you at a slow place. I was, but like I said before, that wasn't what made me want to shy away.

The next time you decided to try moving your hands under my shirt I was prepared. I had known that it would come again and had trained myself to not flinch away when it happened. So, once the time came, I was able to convincingly tell you that I felt good, that I liked your hands on my skin. I was even able to reciprocate, something I was incredible proud of.

I was still not feeling happy about everything, however. I loved living with you, doing things together or to just sit and listen to you talk. I loved being in the same room as you and to have all your attention. The only thing I still couldn't bring myself to like, was your touch.

It actually became better once I realized that while I didn't like to be touched, it was easier to overcome the want of getting away whenever I touched you. My concentration would be focused on making you feel good, something I actually could take pleasure in. As long as I didn't focus on your hands on me at the same time, I could tolerate it. I would have preferred to find a way of making you feel good without the touching, but if that was the price I would have to pay to make you happy, I would pay it gladly.

Things progressed pretty fast after that. By then I had realized that no matter how much I would force myself, this wasn't going away. That my aversion to touch seemed to lie in my nature and not my training, and that if I wanted to stay with you, I had to get over it. So I learned to deal. And while I still hated it, I became good in hiding any want of getting away.

I know that you'll probably think now that I should have told you sooner. That I shouldn't have forced myself through this. But Duo, you have to realize that at that point, I believed that it was either going through with it or losing you. I couldn't deal with the idea of losing you. I loved you too much for that, so I took the harder route. It might not have been perfect, but just being able to stay with you was enough for me.

Lately, however, I realized that there was no way of us staying together as long as you don't know about this. I have good days, on which I even sometimes can enjoy the touching up the level of us having sex. But I also have bad days, when I feel my stomach turning just at the thought of your touch on me through my clothes. Most of the time it's something in the middle, being ok with some touch as long as it's not too much, but I also have both extremes. And I know that at least at one or two occasions, you realized something. I don't know how much you realized, but I'm tired of lying to you. I know how much you hate lying, and I can't bring myself to do it any longer.

I love you Duo, but I can't be what you need. I want to stay with you, but I'll never be able to simply enjoy your touch; I'll always have to force myself most of the time to not recoil from it. I don't want it to be like this, but I can't change the facts.

This is why I wrote this letter to you. To explain to you what I cannot say in words. I'm not sure what will happen now, but I hope that you'll understand. I won't force myself on you and I'll understand if you want to go. My hope that you won't is still there though. Maybe I cannot be what you want, but you'll always be more than I ever imagined deserving.

Love,
Heero

As an explanation for the title: 'I love you, heart and soul' was meant as an expression for his problem. I didn't want to be too obvious about it in the title; however, finding something fitting was a bit complicated. Usually, when one says they love you, it's 'Body, heart and soul'. In keeping the 'body' out of the expression, it was made clear without being obvious ^___^

So, that was part one ^__^ Part two is half-finished, so I hope I'll have it ready to post next week ^__^ It'll be out of Duo's POV and show how he finds, reads and reacts to Heero's letter.