It started harmless enough. She woke up several mornings in a row with fragments of dreams still vivid in her mind, beautiful white wings extending, red eyes glowing in the dark of night. She wasn't particularly concerned about them in the beginning. She just missed Lucifer, that was all. And who could blame her? After everything finally made sense, after they figured it all out, he went back to hell. It wasn't like she blamed him for it. He didn't really have a choice. Understanding why he had to go didn't make it hurt any less though. He was so far out of her reach he might as well be dead.
She went about her days like a zombie, just going through the motions. She tried to keep as much of her sadness away from Trixie as she could, but her daughter had always been exceptionally perceptive, and Chloe didn't think she was fooling her one bit. It was especially tough at work, where she felt his absence most profoundly. Somebody would say something and she would hear Lucifer's witty comeback in her mind, almost as clearly as if he were actually there, and it would hit her all over again that he was gone, that he was never coming back, that she would never hear his voice again.
She found a recording of him performing that a patron of Lux had uploaded, and even though it was just a snippet, she listened to it over and over again, remembering him sitting at the piano, sipping some liquor or other, smiling that mischievous grin of his. She considered talking to Linda about her feelings, but what would that really accomplish? He was gone. She missed him. There was nothing to be done about it.
The dreams became more and more frequent, plaguing her almost every night. One morning, she awoke, the ghost of his lips on her skin, and she remembered him hovering above her, his eyes fixed on hers, with such clarity that she doubted for a moment if it had been a dream at all. She shook her head slowly, chasing away the nonsensical thought, and got up to face another dreadful day without Lucifer.
He was going insane. That was the only possible explanation. He wished Linda were around, so he could talk to her about it. No, that was selfish. Linda had no place here. She was on earth with her family, where she belonged. He sighed, rubbing his hand over his eyes. If he really needed to, he could always take some other therapist out of their hell loop for a while and have a therapy session. Or you could, you know, get your act together, he thought angrily. He'd ruled over hell for millennia. Why was it so difficult now?
He closed his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose. He knew the answer all too well. It was because back then he hadn't been assaulted by visions every time he so much as closed his eyes. Or sometimes even when his eyes were wide open. He'd be listening to one of the demons prattling on and on about torture and he'd zone out, and suddenly he'd be somewhere else, every single one of his senses assaulted by the overwhelming presence of the detective.
It would last only for a heartbeat and then he'd be back where he'd been before, his heart thundering in his chest, his hands shaking. It had to stop. He just didn't have the faintest idea how to make it stop. Was it some form of withdrawal symptoms mortals suffered when they were separated from the ones they loved? If so, why was he afflicted with it? He was nowhere near the detective, and should be well immune to any mortal afflictions.
He sat up straight on the throne again, making a fist with his right hand and bringing it down so hard that a small chunk of the throne's armrest broke off to clatter loudly down into the abyss. He glared after it, then his gaze moved back to the endless grey around him. Hell had never felt like home to him, but he couldn't recall the prospect of ruling here for eternity ever feeling quite so dreadful before.
Chloe stared at the screen in front of her, unable to focus on what she was seeing. She should have gone to bed hours ago. She would regret this in the morning. The thing was, she didn't want to go to sleep. And at the same time, she really, really wanted to. Had started to look forward to it the whole time she was awake, in fact. She didn't need Linda to know that it was a bad idea to live for dreams and fantasies. Lucifer was gone. She needed to accept it and move on with her life. But clearly some part of her wasn't ready to let go. And it wasn't like she could decide not to dream about him, could she? She closed her eyes and leaned back on the couch. Not sleeping wasn't an option either. She sighed, and stood up, at the same time dreading and looking forward to going to bed.
She lay down under the covers and closed her eyes, trying not to think about Lucifer. She failed spectacularly. Their last moment together kept replaying over and over in her mind. She wondered, not for the first time, if she could have done something different, if there was anything she could have said to make him stay. Even if she could have thought of something, it would have been an entirely selfish thing to do. If the demons had come back and killed again, it would have been on her. No, things were as they had to be, with Lucifer keeping them under control.
She finally drifted off to sleep, the last thing in her mind Lucifer telling her that they'd been wrong about the prophecy all along, that Eve wasn't his first love.
The sensation of soft feathers tickling along her arms. A flash of white teeth, grinning in the night. Glowing red eyes fading into a much softer dark brown. A warm body pressed against her, strong arms around her.
Chloe awoke with a gasp, her arms instinctively reaching up to embrace the devil of her dreams, only to find- that there was actually somebody above her. She drew her arms back in shock, eyes wide, the intruder only a vague shape above her in the darkness. She turned her head around, looking for anything she could use as a weapon.
"What the hell are you doing here?"
Chloe froze. She would know that voice anywhere. Still, it couldn't be, could it?
"What am I doing here?" she replied, confused. "This is my bedroom."
She could barely make out Lucifer's head moving from side to side as he looked around, taking in their surroundings. All of a sudden, he seemed to realize the intimate position they were in, with him pinning her down on the mattress. He quickly moved away, sitting down next to her on the bed. He shook his head in disbelief. "Impossible. I didn't leave hell."
Chloe reached out with a shaking hand to turn on her bedside lamp. She was sure she'd heard his voice, and it had felt incredible real when he touched her. Still there was a small part of her that was afraid he wouldn't be there when the light went on.
The light went on. Lucifer was still there, sitting next to her on the bed, looking about as bewildered as she felt. A horrible realisation suddenly dawned on her. "If you didn't leave hell, does that mean that- w- we're in hell? I died?" She stared at him wide-eyed.
He scoffed. "Don't be ridiculous, detective. You're not dead. And if you were, you would be on your way to the Silver City by now. You're most certainly not going to hell." He looked around again, then sniffed the air. "It appears that I have somehow ended up on earth." He stood up quickly, stepping away from her bed. Chloe lifted her hand, meaning to reach out to him, but dropped it again, fighting down the urge to leap off the bed after him.
"My sincere apologies for the disturbance, detective. I will be on my way momentarily and let you get your well-deserved rest."
He moved towards the door. "Lucifer," she called out quickly, and he turned around to her once more, his expression a strange mix of emotions, hopeful yet pained at the same time. "Since you're here anyway, can't we just talk for a bit? I really miss you. Hell isn't going to break down because you are gone for ten minutes, right?" She gave him a hopeful smile.
She saw a torn expression cross his features for a split-second, then he shook his head. "Wish I could, but I'm afraid I have to get back right away." The words were barely out of his mouth when he all but fled the room. Chloe just sat there for several minutes, wondering if that had really happened or if she had finally snapped and hallucinated the whole thing.
She went about her day in a daze, trying in vain to fight down the hope that she might see him again tonight. It probably had been a one-time fluke, there really was no reason for her to expect him to show up again. And yet she did. Or rather hoped he would. Rationally, she knew she had to prepare herself for the possibility that this was the last time she would ever get to see him. Yet there was a part of her that simply couldn't make peace with that idea.
She thought about talking to Amenadiel, or Linda, or even Maze about what had happened, but decided against it in the end. For one, the three of them had their hands full with taking care of baby Charlie. After what happened, Linda steadfastly refused to hand over the baby to any nurse, meaning the three of them were on their own. Chloe understood her perfectly, she didn't even want to imagine how she would have felt if Trixie had been kidnapped as a baby.
If she was being completely honest with herself, the biggest reason why she didn't tell any of them was that she was afraid that they wouldn't believe her. What if they just nodded and gave her that pitying look she'd seen them throw in her direction more than once over the last couple of weeks? No, it was better to keep the whole thing to herself. After all, it wasn't like all that much had happened. Lucifer had been there for all of five minutes, if that. There really wasn't anything to talk about.
She went to bed early that night, staring holes in the ceiling while sleep eluded her. What if he didn't show?, she thought, trying to slow her rapid heartbeat. There was no way she was falling asleep like this. What if he did? She closed her eyes, taking deep, measured breaths. She would know soon enough.
An endless black sky. Ash flakes falling like snow. A tall spire of black stone, winding up into the never-ending darkness. A massive throne, built lonely at the very top, overseeing everything. In the throne, a familiar figure, staring past her into the dark, his face a mask as cold as the stone around him. Then his eyes flickered to focus on hers, eyebrows drawing together in confusion, the ghost of a smile starting to spread on his lips-
Chloe opened her eyes and immediately, and with great disappointment, realised that Lucifer was not hovering above her. Then she heard a soft groan from her left and turned her head to find a figure lying beside her.
"Not again," she heard Lucifer groan next to her, his voice muffled by the pillow. Chloe quickly turned on the light, needing to make sure that he really was there. He was indeed lying next to her in the bed, fully dressed in a handsome black suite and black shoes. Chloe grinned at him.
Lucifer turned around, glaring at the ceiling for a second, before looking at her. "You didn't, by any chance, perform a ritual to summon the devil, did you?"
Chloe chuckled, but saw that his expression remained serious. "No."
He sighed, shaking his head. "Didn't think so. They don't actually work, anyway. You wouldn't believe the gruesome things mortals have done in order to make me appear. If only they knew they'd have a much better chance summoning me with a bloody Mary than a bloody sacrifice. Or better yet with a good whiskey."
He sat up, rubbing his hand over his eyes, and Chloe took a good look at him for the first time, seeing the dark circles under his eyes, and the tiredness in his expression.
"Why is this happening to me?" he asked her, sounding lost. Chloe shrugged.
"What were you doing right before you appeared here?" she asked, already dreading the answer. Hell didn't seem like a place with lots of fun things to do.
"Nothing. Just sitting around, minding my own business, certainly not flying up to earth. I didn't even have my wings out."
Chloe nodded. "On a throne carved out of black stone, spiralling up and up, overlooking a dreary endless wasteland of flying ash?"
Lucifer's eyebrows shot up in surprise. "How did you know?"
"I saw you. In my dream."
"Impossible. Living mortals can't exist in hell. They don't have visions of hell either. Entirely out of the question."
Chloe found herself getting a little angry at his dismissal of her dream. "Fine. Let's just assume it was a gigantic coincidence."
Lucifer nodded, apparently missing her sarcastic tone entirely, and moved to get up from the bed. This time Chloe didn't stop herself from reaching out, gently placing her hand on his arm to stop him. "Stay. Just for a bit," she pleaded with him.
He stared at her hand on his arm without saying anything. She sighed, and drew her hand back again. He gave her that strange pained expression once more, accompanied by a sad little smile. She had an almost overpowering urge to draw her arms around him and never let him go again. Lucifer got up to leave, unaware of her struggle. Chloe opened her mouth to quip about seeing him tomorrow, but she closed it again without uttering a word. She enjoyed seeing him, but the situation was clearly causing him pain. She wouldn't make fun of it.
He opened the door and stepped through without another word.
- 3 -
The following night, she was rudely awoken by a heavy weight landing on top of her, knocking the air right out of her lungs. As quickly as it had appeared, the weight was gone again. "Sorry, sorry," she heard Lucifer's deep voice rumble next to her. She sat up, turning on the light.
"Lucifer, this is getting ridiculous. Will you just stay and talk, for God's sake?"
He glared upwards. "Do you think he's doing this? I'm certain he wanted me back in hell in the first place. No idea what he would think he could achieve with these shenanigans."
"Do I think God keeps dropping you into my bedroom? No, Lucifer, I don't."
"Well, do you have a better explanation?"
Chloe had, as a matter of fact, spend the better part of the previous day trying to come up with a theory that made sense. A better one than you have gone insane and are hallucinating the devil in your bedroom. "Maybe it's your subconscious? Dropping you in here without you even noticing?"
He frowned. "You sound like Linda."
"You talked to Linda about this?" Well, at least he was getting help.
He shook his head. "No, but it sounded like something she would say." His voice turned into a mockery of Linda's accent on the next words. "It will keep happening until you address your feelings about the whole situation."
Chloe caught his eye. "And how do you feel about the whole situation?"
"What do you think?" For a second his anger and frustration shone through, then he had himself back under control. "I apologise for putting you through this, detective." He rubbed his hand over his eyes tiredly and Chloe itched again to draw him into an embrace. "I will find a way to keep it from happening again, I promise."
She was about to tell him that she really didn't mind it happening. Was, in fact, quite in favour of it happening. But something in his expression stopped her. She had an inkling that it wasn't what he needed to hear right now. So she just nodded her agreement and watched him go.
- 4 -
Lucifer lifted his arm, rattling the heavy metal chains around his wrist. The demon he'd asked to chain him to the throne hadn't so much as blinked. He'd probably seen a lot weirder things than his king asking to be tied up. Lucifer inspected the massive chain, grinning. No way was he getting out of these. At least not quickly. Problem solved. His unplanned visits to the detective's bedroom would end and he'd be able to focus on his job again. The grin slowly faded from his face at the thought.
Chloe was awoken gently for a change. By the soft tickle of feathers against her face. She slowly opened her eyes, drawing her brows together. She was covered in a big white fluffy blanket. It seemed to shine with an inner glow. She gasped, reaching out a hand to touch one of the long feathers. They really were beautiful. Magnificent. Incredibly soft to the touch, more like a kitten's fur than a bird's feathers.
She managed to draw her eyes away from them long enough to spot their owner lying next to her, fast asleep. His face was illuminated by the soft glow of his wings. He too looked supernaturally beautiful. She turned on her side to face him. He looked peaceful and innocent in his sleep. Before she could stop herself, Chloe reached out her hand and drew her thumb over the stubble on his cheek. Lucifer made a soft sigh in his sleep but didn't wake up. Chloe drew her hand back, watching him sleep. It took a long time before she fell asleep next to him, but her stubbornness to see him inevitably lost out against her tiredness.
Lucifer awoke slowly, feeling disoriented. He wasn't in his bed at the penthouse. No, wait, that was wrong, he shouldn't be sleeping in the first place- He opened his eyes to find the detective sleeping next to him, and groaned. He looked at his wrists. No trace of the chains. Bloody fantastic. Well, at least this time he could make a quiet exit without disturbing her.
He meant to get up and walk away immediately, he really did. But then his treacherous heart got the better of him. He remained frozen where he was, watching Chloe in her sleep. Several minutes passed. He watched the slow rhythm of her breathing, the way her hair shone in the soft light emanating from his wings. She looked beautiful. He felt all the things he'd buried well up inside him again, and quickly made his retreat from her bed, and her bedroom. Stupid. He knew damn well that it was dangerous to stay. He swore to himself that he'd never make that mistake again.
- 5 -
He had taken better precautions this time. He'd asked one of the head torturers to properly chain him up in the dungeons and he'd posted two demons to stand guard over him. No way was he getting out of this. He knew the demons had started whispering about his strange behaviour but that was a problem for another day. First, he needed to make sure that his unplanned trips to earth came to an end.
Chloe stood at her kitchen counter, worrying her bottom lip. What if she tried to stay somewhere else for the night? Or maybe just sleep on the couch? Would he still appear? Was he drawn to the place, or to her? In the end, she decided to just sleep in her own bed. She told herself it was because it was stupid to experiment around with something like this, but, truth be told, she was scared that she would sleep somewhere else, and he wouldn't make an appearance. It had only been a couple of nights, but she'd gotten used to seeing him again and she didn't want to do anything to jeopardise it.
She went to the bathroom to brush her teeth and caught herself absentmindedly adjusting her hair. She rolled her eyes at herself. What was next? Would she start wearing make-up to bed? It really was a bit inconvenient that he only got to see her at her worst state, just rudely woken up from sleep, her hair a mess. She just hoped he hadn't caught her drooling in her sleep yet. Or snoring. Maybe that was the reason he always made a quick exit? Because she looked like a mess? She frowned at herself in the mirror. Don't let your insecurities get the better of you., she thought, looking at her reflection, you know damn well him leaving had nothing to do with you. Still, she couldn't completely erase the idea from her mind.
This time, she wasn't entirely asleep when it happened. She was lying on her stomach, eyes shut, just about to doze off, when she was rudely jarred to awareness by the unsettling sensation of a person appearing out of nowhere beneath her. One second she was alone, the next she was lying on top of Lucifer. She made a surprised grunt, turning her face toward him. Then she remained completely still, her head resting on his chest, her forehead barely brushing against the stubble on his cheek, trying to recover from the dizziness of being moved about so suddenly when she'd almost been asleep.
Lucifer made a frustrated groan. "I was sure that was going to work," he huffed, sounding annoyed. Chloe didn't move, enjoying the feeling of being close to him, even though she knew it wouldn't last. Lucifer was strangely tense beneath her, his arms at his side. They lay like this for several long moments, until Lucifer broke the silence. "Would you- would you mind moving aside, detective, so I can stand up?"
"Yes," she said and didn't move.
"Yes?" he asked, confusion evident in his voice.
"Yes, I would mind, I'm perfectly comfortable where I am."
He sighed. "You're not making this any easier for me, detective."
Her earlier insecurities flared up again at his words. She tried to keep her unreasonable hurt and anger out of her voice, but didn't succeed. "Fine, if you can't wait to get away from me, just leave." She started to move away from him, but was stopped suddenly when he drew his arms around her, pulling her back down. He rested his head on top of hers. "I'm sorry," he mumbled against her hair. Chloe sighed, relaxing into the embrace.
"I just don't understand why you have to leave immediately every time."
His voice was a low rumble against the top of her head, filled with sadness. "You know why."
"Can't you just stay for a bit? Just this once?"
He made an exasperated sigh, like someone who knew they were about to do something stupid but were going to do it anyway. "Just this once," he agreed, drawing his arms a little tighter around her.
- 11 -
Chloe was sitting on her couch at the end of another exhausting day, trying to read a case file. She kept rereading the same paragraph, her tiredness making it difficult to focus. Lucifer's visits had become a welcome daily routine by this point. Or rather a nightly routine. It was a bit scary how much she was looking forward to his arrival every evening, even though she'd just seen him the previous night. He arrived every single night without fail, although never at exactly the same time. Which was probably a good thing, otherwise she might have started staying awake every night until his expected arrival time.
She knew it was dangerous to keep expecting him to show up. There might come a night when he wouldn't show. And never would show again. Rationally, she knew it was a bad idea to get her hopes up. It would end, eventually. But she just couldn't help herself. Seeing him had become the highlight of her days, and she dreaded the morning she would wake up after a night of uninterrupted sleep.
After the first few times of him disappearing again almost immediately, he'd taken to staying and talking. And, on three occasions she remembered well, to cuddle. She sighed, rubbing her hand over her eyes. Maybe Lucifer had been right in the beginning and it would have been better not to get too close. Now it would hurt all the more when he would have to leave again permanently. She shook her head, trying to direct her attention back to the file, and her current case.
She was awoken suddenly by a loud thump from right next to her, followed by a loud groan. She looked down to find Lucifer sitting up on the floor, rubbing a hand over his face. "Ouch," he stated dramatically. Chloe couldn't stop a small chuckle. He glared at her darkly, but the amusement was visible in his eyes. "Oh, is this funny to you, detective?"
She shrugged. "A little," she admitted, reaching out a hand to help him up. "Are you hurt?" she asked, just to make sure. He seemed rattled more than actually injured.
He stoop up, brushing some imaginary dust from the sleeve of his suit jacket, shaking his head. "I'm fine. Just let me know if you have any overnight flights planned in the near future."
"Why?"
"Oh, no reason. I'd just hate to appear midair at 38.000 feet. I'm not particularly fond of falling."
Chloe imagined him appearing next to a plane, falling down screaming, trying to get his wings out to stop his fall. She shuddered. "I'll stay on the ground for now."
"Thanks," he said. He looked around awkwardly, clearly at a loss what to do with himself. "Coffee?" she asked, recalling one of the first nights he stayed and talked, when he'd presented her with a long-winded story that boiled down to the fact that there was no coffee in hell. Well, no decent coffee. Plenty of horrible coffee.
"Yes, thanks," he said. Then he spotted something on the couch and froze. She followed his gaze to the file she'd been reading. "Do you want to see it?" she asked, trying to keep her voice neutral. "It's quite an interesting case." He remained frozen for a moment longer, then he quickly shook his head. "No, I'm sure you'll have it solved in no time."
She was about to say that she was actually at a dead end with the investigation and could have used his help, which was true, but she stopped herself. There was no reason to make things harder for him then they already were.
- 23 -
"Tell me again."
The demon flinched slightly, then repeated what he'd already told him. "You just vanished, my lord. One moment you were standing there, the next you were gone."
"I didn't use my wings."
"No, my lord."
"Impossible."
The demon wisely kept his mouth shut, sensing the sour mood of his king. Lucifer made a dismissive wave with his hand and the demon quickly scurried away. Lucifer paid him no mind. So far he'd tried chaining himself up in a variety of ways, getting locked in a coffin, and, in what had been a particularly bad idea of his, glueing himself to the throne. Nothing had kept him away from the detective. He appeared in her bedroom without fail every night.
On his return he inspected the chains. Even though he'd been chained up in them, they were never broken. It seemed that he simply vanished in one place and appeared in another, without anything in between. He suspected that it was in some way triggered by him thinking of the detective. He tried, he really tried, not to think of her at all, but it was quite an impossible task.
He knew it had to stop. It was dangerous. He knew exactly how it was going to end, and it simply couldn't happen. There was nothing for it. He had to ask for help. He'd put it off long enough already, but it didn't look like he was going to beat this on his own.
Amenadiel looked around, clearly uneasy. "I understand that you're feeling lonely, brother, but as you know I am really tied up with helping Linda at the moment."
"That's not why I asked you to come."
Amenadiel frowned, waiting for him to elaborate.
"I've been appearing on earth without meaning to. Without using my wings."
"Impossible," Amenadiel said, the sympathetic look on his face turning into something much colder. "I understand why you want to be there, but we both know it can't happen. For Charlie's sake, for Chloe's sake, for all of them."
"Do you think I don't know that?" Lucifer burst out, red flaring up in his eyes. "You're not listening to me. I can't control it. It just happens."
Amenadiel lifted his hands in a calming gesture. "Nobody has ever heard of such a thing, brother. You can't simply appear on earth."
"Just wait and see, brother. It won't be long."
Amenadiel gave him a look that communicated quite clearly how likely he thought it was for Lucifer to vanish and appear on earth, but he still sat down, humouring him, instead of storming out in a huff, as Lucifer was sure the old Amenadiel would have done not so long ago. His brother had changed quite a lot over the last years. Lucifer sat down as well, leaning against the cold stone, and they waited together.
"Meet me at Chloe's when I'm gone."
Amenadiel rolled his eyes. "You are not going to disappear."
"If only that were true, brother." Lucifer leaned his head back against the stone wall, closing his eyes. "If only that were true."
The experience had become less jarring over time. In the beginning, it left him quite disoriented. Now he knew more or less what to expect. A split-second of dizziness, in which it felt like the whole bloody universe was rearranging itself around him, then the rush of being around the detective, followed by the dread of knowing it would have to end all to soon. He was intimately familiar with the procedure by now.
This time, he was actually relieved when it happened. It would have been quite awkward to sit around with Amenadiel for hours, only to find that his affliction had as mysteriously ended as it had started. Thankfully, he didn't have to suffer through that. The dizziness passed, and he opened his eyes to find Chloe next to him, smiling. "Hey," she said, reaching out a hand to draw her thumb over the stubble on his cheek.
He smiled back at her, then sighed. "Amenadiel is going to be here in a second."
"Oh?" she said, drawing her hand back, her brow furrowing in confusion.
"I asked him for help."
"That's- that's good," she said hesitantly, sitting up next to him. "Right?"
Lucifer turned on his back, staring at the ceiling. "I'm not sure if he'll be able to help."
Chloe remained silent next to him. He knew that she didn't fully understand the danger of this thing that was happening to them, and, as a consequence, wasn't as keen as him to stop it. Maybe it was for the best if he explained it properly, so they were on the same page. "Listen, detective-"
He was interrupted by Amenadiel calling out his name from the living room. Lucifer sighed, and got up to meet his brother, the detective following close behind.
"How did you do that?" Amenadiel asked, completely stunned. Lucifer made a frustrated huff. It was like Amenadiel was trying to get on his nerves, sometimes. "I told you, brother, I didn't do anything. It just happens to me."
Amenadiel nodded. "I see." He looked over at Chloe, then back to Lucifer. "You appeared here?"
"Always," Lucifer admitted. Amenadiel nodded again, but didn't say anything else.
"Any suggestions how to stop it?" Lucifer asked hopefully. Amenadiel shook his head.
"Bloody fantastic," he cursed, throwing his arms up. He'd gone through the ordeal of asking Amenadiel for help for nothing. He was screwed.
Amenadiel looked from him to Chloe and back again. "I will go to the Silver City. Maybe one of our siblings knows more."
Lucifer just nodded, already busy coming up with alternative solutions. There must be something he hadn't tried yet. The sound of the front door closing broke him out of his thoughts. He turned around to find Chloe standing right next to him. "Why are you so freaked out about this?" she asked, sounding hurt.
He wanted to tell her, but he realised that it would be selfish. Better to carry the burden alone, so that she could still enjoy their time together. She reached out to him, but he took a step back, shaking his head. "I need to get back," he stated firmly, needing to convince himself as much as her. She nodded sadly, and he turned around and walked away before he had time to change his mind.
- 34 -
Things had been tense between them for a while. He'd taken to leaving as quickly as he arrived once more. Chloe tried not to be hurt, tried to tell herself that it was all for the best, that he was doing this for her, for Charlie, for everyone. Still it felt like a rejection. Every time he walked out, she got this idea in her head that he didn't want to be there, didn't want to spend time with her, didn't like her. Rationally, she understood that it was nonsense, she caught him more than once sending longing glances in her direction when he thought she wasn't looking. But the whole situation, the repeated experience of him leaving her again and again, was gnawing at her.
Amenadiel had been of little help so far. He hadn't been able to find any explanation or cure for Lucifer's condition. He continued searching, but it didn't seem like there was much hope of anything useful turning up anytime soon. It appeared something like this had simply never happened before. Chloe was getting a bit fed up with the whole situation. She wanted it to end, yet at the same time she dreaded them finding a cure more than anything. Either way, it felt like she was loosing him. He might be showing up in her bedroom every night, but he had put a distance between them that seemed impossible to breach.
She rubbed her hand over her eyes. She needed to do something. They couldn't go on like this.
Luck was on her side, as it turned out. It was one of the rare nights when she slept on her stomach, which for some reason caused him to appear under her. She was fast asleep this time when it happened. She awoke groggily, wondering what had happened to her mattress, when she realised that it wasn't actually a mattress beneath her. "Hey," she said, moving around a bit until she found a comfortable position, lying a bit on his left side, her head right under his, her right hand flat on his chest.
"Hey," Lucifer replied. Surprisingly, he didn't request her to move away immediately. Chloe decided to press her advantage. "How's work?" she inquired lightly. He made a surprised huff in reply. "Hellish," he quipped, and Chloe chuckled, even though it hadn't been a particularly good joke. It was the most light-hearted exchange they'd had in a while. He remained silent after that. Chloe started drawing small circles on his chest with the flat of her palm. She listened to the reassuring thump of his heartbeat through the fabric of his dress shirt.
Before giving herself time to reconsider, she quickly opened the button of his dress shirt under her hand, as well as the one above, moving her hand under the fabric to continue drawing small circles. Lucifer drew in a sharp breath, but didn't say anything. She heard the steady beat of his heart speed up at her action. After a moment, she stopped the movement, pushing herself up to look at his face. His eyes were closed and she could barely make out his features in the dim twilight. Her gaze was drawn to his lips.
"Chloe," he said, his tone half-plea and half-warning. She drew her gaze upwards to find that his eyes were open now, and he was staring at her intently, a faint red glimmer shining in each pupil. Chloe took a deep, steadying breath, and, ignoring his warning, moved in to kiss him. He remained frozen in place, unmoving as stone. All of her insecurities slammed back into her full force. He didn't want to be here. He didn't want to be with her. He didn't want her. What had she been thinking? She was just some ordinary mortal and he was an archangel- Lucifer made a strange sound somewhere between a groan and a growl, and flipped them over in one smooth movement, one of his hands going around her, the other burying itself in her hair.
Chloe made an undignified surprised oomph sound, her brain taking a moment to process the sudden change. Lucifer had kissed her before, but he'd most certainly never kissed her like this. He did something with his tongue that she couldn't even describe properly, and Chloe couldn't stop herself from moaning into his mouth. His hand on her back starting moving lower, then all of a sudden he pulled back. They looked at each other for a second, and Chloe could have sworn she saw genuine panic in his eyes, then he quickly stood up, backing away. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that," he said, sounding shocked. Chloe was starting to get whiplash from his sudden mood changes.
Chloe shook her head. "I think it is fair to say that it was me who did it. Please talk to me, Lucifer," she pleaded. "What's going on with you?" He absent-mindedly brought his fingers to his lips, as if he was still caught up in what had just happened. "I'm sorry," he said again, and fled the room. Chloe tried to be angry with him, but it was worry that won out in the end. Something was going on with him. Something about their situation was eating at him, and it seemed she'd just made it worse instead of making it better.
Chloe was on edge the whole day, replaying the events of the night in her head over and over again. Why had she been so stupid? She knew there was something going on with him, knew he had been distant, and still she'd pushed him. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. She was barely able to focus on her work, relieved when a brilliant insight from Ella led them to the killer and she could finally make her way home.
Now she was busy pacing up and down in her kitchen, berating herself. She stopped mid-step when she realised that she was no longer alone. She turned to find Lucifer standing on the other side of the kitchen counter, silently looking at her, his expression unreadable. Chloe frowned, checking the time on her phone. He'd never been this early before.
"I used my wings," he said simply, before she even had time to phrase the question. He came to her willingly. She wasn't sure what to do with that.
"We need to talk," she said.
"I know," he replied, looking as if the admission caused him physical pain.
She stepped around the counter into his space, and he took a step back. "Lucifer, what's going on with you? I know it's not a great situation, but you're acting like this- like I'm-," she had to fight down the tears that threatened to fall, "-you're acting like it's some terrible thing that's happening to you. It's just me, Lucifer. Why are you so scared?"
He looked at her, and something in his gaze softened. "Because it's you, Chloe," he said, voice thick with emotion.
"I don't understand," Chloe said. The damn tears were falling now, and she couldn't do anything to stop them. He reached out a hand to cup her face, and the gesture brought back painful memories.
"I'm acting like it's dangerous, because it is." He dropped his hand, starting to gesticulate wildly, clearly agitated. "This thing that keeps happening to me, to us, it has to stop. It has to stop, because if it goes on, there is going to come a day when I won't be strong enough to walk away anymore." He looked at her, a helpless expression on his face, his voice trembling. "I'm not strong enough. I've walked away, again and again, and again. But I can't keep doing it. There is going to come a day when I won't be able to do it anymore, consequences be damned. That's why we have to stop it. That's why it's dangerous. Because I love you, Chloe."
Chloe started to smile, in spite of the tears still trickling down her face. She took a deep breath, trying to order her thoughts. "Then you've been worried over nothing." A look of confusion spread over his face, and she lifted her hands, placing them on his face, locking eyes with him, willing her next words to get through to him.
"I know exactly who you are and what you are capable of. I have seen the things you are willing to do to protect the ones you love. I know that you would never do anything so selfish. You are stronger than you think. I am absolutely certain that you will do the right thing. Again, and again, and again. Because that's who you are."
He shook his head slowly. "I wish I could share your faith in me, detective, but how you see me that's not- that's not who I am. I am selfish, I am greedy, I go after the things I want without thinking about the consequences-" She stopped his tirade by putting the index finger of her right hand to his lips. "That is the biggest nonsense you have ever said to me and I will not hear another word of it."
Chloe was suddenly aware of how close they had gotten and that her finger was on his lips. She dropped her hands, took a step back, and cleared her throat. "If you really think you cannot trust yourself, which I would like to state again, for the record, is nonsense, then at least trust me." He looked confused again, and she smirked at him. "If required, I'll just kick your ass back to hell."
His expression changed to a sort of proud fondness. "You'd do that for me?"
"In a heartbeat. You know how much I enjoy kicking your ass," she teased, and he chuckled.
"You're impossible," he stated, voice still filled with fondness. He reached out a hand to touch her face once more, wiping the trails of her tears away with his thumb. He lowered his head until their foreheads were touching. They remained like this for a moment, catching their breath after the emotional exchange. Then Chloe moved her head against his chest, embracing him. Lucifer reciprocated without hesitation, drawing her closer. When he spoke, he sounded somber, and steady, the despair she'd heard earlier gone from his voice.
"So you just want to keep doing this? Me disrupting your sleep every night? Is that really what you want?"
She knew he was asking a lot more with that last question. Am I really what you want? She pulled back, meeting his eyes again. "It's not ideal, but nothing ever is, is it?" She smiled at him, trying to reassure him. "But it means I still get to have you in my life, and that's all that matters. I hate that you always have to leave again, but I understand why you have to do it. And it's not so bad, when I know you're going to be back." She hesitated, worrying her bottom lip. "Is it really what you want?"
He sighed. "What I want is to stay here with you and never go back. But I guess that's not in the cards." He hesitated for a moment, rubbing his hand over his eyes. "I still think it's dangerous. We need to be very careful. There have to be rules."
"Rules?"
He nodded. "We need to agree on a time when I have to leave. Otherwise I'll just stay longer and longer, and before you know it, I'll have moved in."
"You want to move in here?"
He cleared his throat, ducking his head a little. It was a strangely shy gesture that she'd never have expected from him. "You know what I mean. We have to set rules to make sure that doesn't happen. I have to be down there every day, keeping an eye on things. I can't stay."
"Sunrise," Chloe said, smiling.
"Sunrise?"
"What, too romantic for you? Star-crossed lovers who can only be together until the sun rises, when one of them has to return to the Underworld every single day." Her tone was light, teasing, but there was a small tremor in her voice, hinting at all the emotions she was trying to keep in check. The fear of losing him, that he would still insist on finding a solution, on them having to do everything in their power to stop this thing. The budding hope that they might actually get to have this, that she might get to have him.
He hesitated for a long moment, and Chloe started to panic. Maybe he was having second thoughts. In a second, he was going to tell her that this was a bad idea, and that they couldn't go through with it.
"Okay."
"Okay?"
"Okay," he repeated and kissed her.