The Case of the Disappearing Milk
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Summary: When her third favourite thing in the whole world vanishes without a trace, Anita decides that one detective team just isn't enough for her and calls into action the sharpest minds and keenest wits in the eighth grade. But they'll have to solve the mystery fast; they'll get in trouble if they break curfew.
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Disclaimer: They're Kurata's toys; I'm just borrowing them and dressing them in trench coats and bowler hats for a while. I promise to bring them back when I'm done!
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Once upon a time, somewhere in the vicinity of the day before yesterday, there was a beautiful and lively young lady named Anita King.
Small in stature, although not in personality, and especially not in lung capacity, Anita King was well able to make everyone around her very, very aware of her loves and hates.
For example, everyone knew that Anita loved books, froggies, big comfy featherbeds, her sisters and Nenene, her best friend Hisami, working long hours in the library with her best friend Hisami, and potatoes.
But above all, Anita loved milk.
Everyone also knew that Anita hated housecleaning, doing the dishes, pigeons nesting in her hair, psychotic Englishmen with plots of global domination involving mystical books, exploding helicopters, and carrying her sisters' bags after a book-shopping spree.
But above all, Anita hated a lack of milk.
And so, when Anita trudged down to the fridge on a mild autumn morning late in September, only to make a horrifying discovery, it was no surprise that the entire household became swiftly aware of it.
"Oh! We're out of milk," Michelle noted approximately forty seconds later, after her youngest sister's howl of anguish had drawn her down to the kitchen and to the open fridge.
"I'm going out for groceries this afternoon," Maggie announced. "I'll pick some up."
"That's it?" Nenene huffed. "You dragged us all out of bed—"
"Actually, I was already awake," Michelle pointed out.
"Me too," Maggie added.
Nenene gritted her teeth.
"Fine. You dragged me out of bed, just to tell us we're out of milk?" She smothered a yawn. "Forget it. I'm going back to sleep." She turned to the tall, dark-haired girl to her right, and flopped bonelessly against her. "Maggie! Carry me!"
Maggie, just about the ask the most obvious question relating to Anita and an empty milk bottle, found herself quite derailed by the suspicion that Nenene didn't have anything on under that blanket. She blushed nearly phosphorescent, nevertheless obediently gathering the bundle of flannel, wild caramel-brown hair, and happy noises into her arms.
"Here, I'll spot you," Michelle hastened to offer as Nenene's head narrowly missed the doorjamb on the way out of the kitchen.
Meanwhile, Anita had quickly regained her emotional equilibrium. After all, it took more than missing milk to keep her in a sobbing heap on the ground! For more than a few seconds, anyway.
Burning with determination, she came to a decision. The fiend who had taken all the milk and ruined her morning could not be allowed to go unpunished. The pilfering of other people's beverages was not a crime to take lightly, and just as soon as she got her hands on him, she would inform him of that very clearly, through the use of fist after fist after fist to his nose.
But first, she would have to find him.
Luckily, she knew just the way.
For along with the things that everyone knew about Anita King, there were a few things that were less common knowledge, and one such thing was that Anita King was part of not one, but two detective teams. The second, assembled between herself, Hisami Hishiishi, Tohru Okahara, and her new pal Junior, was for cases just like this, cases when the grown-ups in their lives just didn't understand the gravity of the situation.
Together, they were the Wooby Gang, and there was nothing they couldn't find – as long as it was in the neighbourhood.
The name had evolved quite naturally the first time a certain friendly pigeon with a fondness for Anita's hair had dropped by to lend a hand with the case. Of course, no one knew exactly how old John Woo was, but they did know that he was good.
Damn good, as Anita and Tohru often said until Hisami's reproachful gaze convinced them to soften their language.
As the exposition wound down, Anita marched determinedly off to school, and to inform the Wooby Gang that they had a new case.
Moments later, Anita marched determinedly back into the house, and upstairs to swap her pyjamas for school clothes.
Yes, she needed to find her missing milk, and soon.
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"Your milk is missing?!" Hisami exclaimed, horrified.
"Your milk is missing?!" Torhu exclaimed, incredulous.
Junior, busily inspecting the toe of his shoe in the hopes that his beloved friends might just give up waiting for a reply and go away, finally gave in and looked up to find three expectant gazes fixed on him. He sighed.
"Your milk is missing?" he asked flatly.
"Yes," Anita replied intensely. "And we're going to find it!"
"There's nothing we can't find!" Hisami chimed sweetly. "As long as it's in the neighbourhood."
Junior sighed again.
"You know, I've been going to school full-time for a month now, and I have yet to put in a full day."
"The life of a Wooby is a hard life, man," Tohru said, giving him a manly slap on the shoulder.
"Coo," John Woo agreed, circling overhead."
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"Did you drink the milk?"
At this question emerging directly from nowhere, asked in – loud – unison by the four crowded around the back of her computer chair, Nenene gave a startled yell and leapt a foot, give or take, in the air.
"Whoa, careful," Anita cackled, nevertheless hauling Nenene from the floor.
"What the hell are you doing home so early?" the irate author demanded. "And why the hell are you still going on about that milk?"
"We're investigating," Hisami informed her with wide, serious eyes.
"Well, stop investigating, and get back to school," Nenene ordered.
"Alright," Junior agreed very quickly, already halfway to the door before the resonance of Nenene's words had managed to fade from the air.
"Not so fast!" Anita growled, catching him by the back of the shirt. "We're not giving up this easy!"
Junior scratched his head as he was dragged bodily back across the room.
"Wouldn't that be 'easily'?"
Nenene sighed impatiently.
"Anita, forget about the milk! Maggie said she was picking some more up this afternoon!"
Anita's eyes narrowed. Nevertheless...
"Yeah, okay," she agreed with a shrug. "Let's go, guys."
"Back to school?" Junior asked hopefully.
"You're a weird guy, Makuhari," Tohru noted, shaking his head.
"Coo," John Woo added helpfully from atop Anita's head.
Nenene turned from her computer one last time.
"And get the damn bird out of here!"
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"Did you drink the milk?"
"Hmm," Michelle agreed absently, flipping a page.
Anita sighed impatiently. At least she wasn't flipping out like Nenene, but she was still holding up the investigation! Pushing up her sleeves, she gave her sister a violent tap on the top of the head.
"Michelle!"
"Ow! Oh, Anita," Michelle noted, rubbing her head. "And Junior."
"Hello, Michelle," Junior greeted with a long-suffering sigh.
Michelle beamed warmly at each child in turn, her smile wilting slightly as something occurred to her.
"Um...what are you all doing here?"
"Someone swiped Anita's milk, Ma'am," Tohru replied gruffly, "and we can't rest until we recover the goods."
"Mostly because Anita won't let us," Junior grumbled under his breath.
Michelle frowned.
"Anita, Maggie said she would pick some up for you."
"That's not the point," Anita said, striking a dramatic pose. "If we let it go without a fight this time, they'll just do it again. And it might not just be milk next time; they might take the orange juice, too! And then the coffee, and then the tea, and before we know it, we'll be drinking Mountain Dew everyday!"
The three adolescents and the young woman shuddered at this thought. Recovering, Michelle patted her sister's cheek gently.
"I see your point, Anita, but I think you're overreacting."
"Ask her about the time we cut class for a week to find Tohru's missing sock," Junior suggested flatly.
Michelle blinked.
"I think I would rather not know..."
"Look, Michelle, we've got a lot of people to question today," Anita broke in briskly. "So, did you drink the milk or not?"
"I don't think so," Michelle replied, one finger at her lip in a thoughtful pose.
"What about Nenene?"
Michelle giggled.
"Oh, Anita, you know Nenene doesn't drink things that don't have caffeine."
"Okay, dumb question," Anita admitted grudgingly. "She was acting pretty suspicious, though; you think she might know something?"
"I think you should all get back to school before we get another call from your teachers," Michelle replied sternly.
"Well, we can't argue with your sister, Anita; let's get back," Junior suggested from the front door, where he had been gradually sneaking throughout the parts of the conversation that didn't involve him.
"Get back here!" Anita ordered, charging after him.
"But I thought we were leaving anyway, Anita," Hisami pointed out, confused.
Anita frowned.
"Oh, right. Okay, let's go."
"Coo," John Woo added, darting frantically down the stairs and dodging the hard cover novels that Nenene was flinging after him along with various and assorted furious invectives about the pigeon droppings on her carpet.
Perhaps it was just as safe to be out of this house.
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"Did you drink the milk?"
Natsume Nishizono's face fell.
"So, you're not all here for a copy of my older sister's best-selling novel?" she asked, crestfallen.
"I'll take one," Junior offered quickly. Nancy and Yomiko were both quite fond of the elder Nishizono sister's work – mindless fluff, Nancy had admitted laughingly the first time he had found her reading one, but fun. Kind of like literary cotton candy.
The pretty brunette beamed.
"I knew you were the smart one!"
Junior, cheeks slightly pink beneath the girl's dazzling smile, smiled very slightly.
"It's a little hard to miss..."
"Look, Ma'am, we're busy detectives; we don't have all day," Tohru said sternly.
Natsume, in the process of autographing the slender volume as the adored sister of the world's greatest author, giggled.
"Are you guys still playing detective?"
"No time for games, Ma'am," Anita replied firmly. "The milk's gone missing, and we're just the Woobys to find it."
"Did you drink the milk, Natsume?" Hisami added gently.
"I don't drink milk," she replied airily. "I just couldn't bring myself to knowingly consume a product harvested by the violation of innocent, helpless bovines, oppressed by the dairy industry the same way our troglodytic matriarchal society oppresses women."
"But..you drank milk last week," Hisami pointed out, head spinning slightly from her classmate's logic.
Natsume's narrow, delicately arched brows drew together.
"We all have sins in our pasts too vile to speak of! But since I found out the horrors that the poor cows go everyday, I haven't been able to drink a drop, and I don't see how any feminist worth her salt could oppress another creature as she herself has been oppressed," she finished, eyeing Anita meaningfully.
"Good thing I'm not a feminist," Anita shrugged, already starting away.
"Yeah, no kidding," Tohru muttered to Junior. "She's scary enough already."
"Ow," Hisami whimpered plaintively. "My head hurts."
"Coo," John Woo agreed, one feathered wing pressed tightly to his tiny, feathered head, the other flapping frantically to keep him aloft.
"Hey, look!" a passing young lady giggled. "That bird is flying in a circle!"
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"Did you drink the milk?"
The young man behind the counter of the used bookstore looked up quickly, startled from his book-related reverie. His eyes moved from child to child, and when they rested on Anita, his bewildered expression turned into a relaxed, welcoming smile.
"Oh, hello there, Anita."
"Hey," she greeted with a little wave. "So, did you?"
He hesitated.
"Uh, did I, what?"
"Did you drink the milk?" she pressed.
"And...what milk would that be?"
"The milk that was discovered missing from Nenene's fridge at approximately six-fourteen this morning," Anita replied coolly. "Just tell us what you know, Sir."
"It's easier that way," Tohru added.
"And we might get to go home sometime today," Junior said wistfully.
The dark-haired man laughed.
"Well, I can't say that I really remember breaking into people's houses and stealing their milk, no."
Anta eyed him closely.
"You sure?"
He laughed again.
"I'm sure."
The pink-haired teen hesitated.
"Well, okay. We'll believe you, because you're a friend of the family, and you gave us a van."
"Hey, speaking of that van," the man said delicately, "is there any chance of getting it back sometime?"
Anita shook her head grimly.
"I'm afraid not, Sir. We lost that van when we—" Here, she broke off, a light of revelation falling over her face. "Guys! I know who drank the milk!"
"You know who drank the milk?!" Hisami repeated, ecstatic.
"You know who drank the milk?!" Tohru repeated, jubilant.
"You know who drank the milk?" Junior repeated, hopeful but wary. It seemed a little too good to be true, this whole thing coming to an end so he could just go back home where it was quiet...
"Uh...kids?" the bookstore owner called hesitantly as the four bolted for the door. "My van?"
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"Alright, missy, we know you drank the milk, so don't even try to hide it!"
"Anita!" Hisami gasped, aghast at this sharp divergence from the pattern.
The young woman in the doorway of the little tumbledown cottage – wearing almost the same outfit as her and Anita, Hisami noted in slightly bemused delight – stared for a long moment at the crowd before her. Then she sighed.
"Alright, I know there's no answer to this that won't send me into a homicidal fit, but what, exactly, are you lot doing here?"
"H-hello, Wendy," Junior greeted with a sigh that had been growing heavier and heavier all day until he was starting to consider enrolling it in a sigh weight-loss program. "We're looking for Anita's milk." He shook his head and pressed a hand wearily to his eyes. "It sounds even stupider out loud..."
Arms crossed, Wendy fixed the small crowd with a disbelieving look.
"And you think I just took a nice, relaxing stroll over to Japan to steal it, do you?"
"Hold on; how did we even get here?" Junior demanded, raising his head briefly. "I thought we only investigated things in the neighbourhood."
"The power of teamwork brought us here!" Hisami proclaimed triumphantly. "And plane tickets."
The ambition to stand upright by now drained entirely, Junior rested his head in his hand again.
"Are we still even enrolled in school at this point?"
"Well, if you didn't take the milk, why are you wearing that?" Tohru was meanwhile demanding, gesturing to the blonde's little grey pleated skirt, crisp white blouse, knee socks, loafers, and green sweater vest. But before she could reply with anything more than a deep blush, a quick glance over her shoulder to make sure that Mr. Carpenter and his leather whip were out of sight, and a bit of helpless stammering, Tohru continued, arms folded, advancing relentlessly on the suspect. The intimidation effect was, unfortunately, rather lost by the undeniable fact that he stood at a full height of a little past her midsection. "Oh, we've got you figured out, lady. You masqueraded as a kid so no one would question it when you passed Anita's house – you were just on your way to school. Then you snuck in while the whole house was asleep, drank the milk, and left the empty bottle at the scene of the crime! Am I right?"
"No," Wendy replied flatly, moving to shut the door.
"Don't deny it!" Anita snarled furiously, surging forward. "You're the only people in the world capable of a crime like this! Or...pretty much any crime. Hey, why are you the only people in the world who ever do anything bad?"
Wendy turned to Junior as Anita pondered this, as well as some extremely odd memories of having her gorgeous, poofy pink prom dress – why the hell they were having a prom at her school, not to mention why she would wear a poofy pink dress to it – ruined by the ruthlessly evil remains of the British Library.
"Is her brain getting enough oxygen?"
"I've been asking myself that all day," Junior replied, the words muffled by his hand, still pressed to his forehead.
"What's all this noise about out here?" a distinctly irritated voice demanded as its source drew closer.
Anita's eyes narrowed with recognition, Junior slumped over a little more with despair, and Tohru and Hisami exchanged confused looks.
"You! If it wasn't her, it was you! YOU drank my milk! I knew it! I knew we couldn't put it past you to—"
As Joker emerged from the hallway leading to the main entry, Anita's rant came to an immediate halt.
The tweed jacket with the elbow patches was one thing – lots of guys wore those, right?
The ruler in his hand? Maybe he'd been making graphs.
The slightly garish leather flogger draped around his neck? Some people really liked the smell of leather.
But the little lacy pair of panties peeking out of his breast pocket? That was where she drew the line.
By drew the line, of course, she meant ran screaming into the night.
"Uh, right," she said hastily. "You know what? I believe you. You didn't drink the milk, so we're just gonna go now."
And with that she was off, walking as quickly down the pathway as she could without breaking into a run, her fellow detectives hurrying after her, aside from the one soaring majestically overhead.
"And now that that's taken care of, why don't we go back inside and show my naughty little schoolgirl what happens when she runs away?" Anita faintly heard Joker suggest wickedly, and Wendy giggle demurely in response, before the door clicked shut.
"I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that," she announced, already calculating how many years she'd have to go off books to invest in some much-needed therapy.
"That's what I did when I had to live with her," Junior said, verging on a grumble.
"Coo," John Woo agreed sadly, wondering if it might be possible to peck his own eyes out.
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"I'm sorry we couldn't find your milk, Anita," Hisami said one plane trip later, eyes wide and warm with sympathy, patting her friend's shoulder soothingly.
Tohru, after a brief glance at the setting sun, scratched his head.
"Hey, how the hell did we get to and from England in an afternoon?"
Hisami, looking up, smiled brightly.
"With the power of teamwork! And broken continuity! And return tickets!"
Tohru nodded thoughtfully.
"Oh. Okay."
"You know, Anita, Nenene did say that your sister was buying more milk," Junior reminded her philosophically.
"Hey, isn't that her now?" Tohru asked, peering at a tall, dark-haired shape emerging from down the street.
Anita squinted against the glow of the sunset.
"Yeah, I think it is! And she has milk!"
"If that was all it took to cheer her up," Junior ground out as Tohru and Hisami scampered after Anita, "why did we spend the day doing this?'
"MAGGIE!" Anita howled, flinging herself at her sister.
"Uh...hi, Anita," Maggie greeted rather bewilderedly, bracing for the impact. "What's wrong?"
"Do you have the milk?" the younger sister demanded breathlessly.
Maggie stared at Anita for a long moment, then at each of the other three kids, and finally glanced down at the grocery bags in her hands.
"Yeah, it's right here."
Anita sighed.
"Sorry, Maggie; I've just been going crazy. Since someone broke in and drank all the milk last night, I didn't get my morning fix, and—"
"Anita, no one broke in," Maggie interjected, a hint of impatience creeping into her voice.
Anita blinked.
"Uh...what?"
"It wasn't a burglar. Don't you remember? At four in the morning, you came downstairs, drank all the milk, and put the bottle back in the fridge."
A light of realization broke over Anita's face.
"Oh, right! I drank the milk!"
"And if anyone didn't see that coming," Junior muttered, "they likely shouldn't leave the house unattended."
Anita, meanwhile, was grinning broadly at Hisami, Junior, Tohru, and a hovering John Woo in turn.
"Another mystery solved! Good job, Wooby Gang; let's go home!"
"Coo," John Woo agreed heartily as he soared off into the setting sun.
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End Notes: And that, as they say, was silly.