A/N: This is a drabble I wrote when I was out of my mind. I re-read it after I wrote it, it doesn't make any sense, I erased a good three-quaters of it because it was repetitive. I don't know what I was thinking, my fingers typed and my eyes struggled to keep up, and my brain was completely shut off. I don't understand what it's about, it's a lot of my thoughts that don't interfere with our actual reality. Enjoy.
ROXAS' POV:
I don't know what I was thinking. How I could delude myself that I loved you. Maybe I was lonely? Maybe I was just bored. Is bored an emotion? Do we feel boredom? Is boredom just the action of having nothing to do, or is it something to feel? I question our ability to feel emotion, whatever emotion is, even though we get angry. There is no doubt that even Saix gets irritated or angry. He was very upset when Xigbar failed his last mission. Is that an action or emotion? We can feel tension. We can feel connection, we can sense stability, but can we feel the quality that makes it so?
What is anger then? Shan't we love yet feel agitation?
Yet irregardless of whether it is real or not, I believed that we would be together forever as more then a friend, more then a best friend. I believed that we would be able to be real if we could convince ourselves that we would be bonded by the strings of our non-exsistant hearts. Whatever it was we have that allows us to hate, does not allow us to love, yet feel the familier sting of rejection.
Why would you do that? I thought you cared about me too. I don't understand what I did to deserve this. I am left confused and stung by everything you do. You disappear without explanation and return either silent and secluded, or cheery-as if nothing ever changed. No explanation, no comments on where you went, yet after what you did I think I know.
I tried to do it right-I studied various worlds to see what to do. I tried to be subtle, it only got me mocked and shamed. I tried to be abbrasive, you turned me away without a word. I tried to just be your friend, hoping you'd make the first move, but maybe you don't believe our potential. You don't see what I see. How can I get you to help me?
I wanted you. Physical attraction is different from emotional, from what I see, physical means you want to stick yourselves in compromising positions until you grow bored of the company of one person. Emotional is different, and harder to understand. Is that what we had? The memory of emotion that clouded over my mind thinking we could be in love with you. I have no memory of my human life, maybe I was created as a replica. No start, a brutal finish with no remorse or mourning. Yet I feel like this is my real self, my true self coming out and trying to take over the life I have now. Does that mean I have to go back? Do I have to disappear?
How can I disappear? Where do I go? Maybe I could still be of value if I can pretend I have emotion, if I can convince myself that I am normal, maybe I can live like a normal person. If only I could forget i'm not supposed to exsist.
Where does that leave us? I can't think, my mind is foggy. Where are you? Where did you go? I want you with me. Just you, can you come here? Why did you leave me? Come back, please. I need to see you, hear you, hold you, I want to hug you like we used to when I was feeling lost. What is a hug? Is it an act of love or an act of comfort? Comfort is to help someone when they feel like they are at the end of their rope. Do we have a rope to hold onto in the first place? What secures us to our positions in the organization? Is it the feeling of security that there are others like us? Is that a comfort? Do we feel that? Or is a subconscious connection that holds people with similarities together? Why do we stay if it isn't?
I don't see why we feel like we need to be together if none of us believes we should be. What is an emotion? What are we made of? Why are we here? How did we come to exsist? Where do we go when we expire? Do we expire naturally or strictly because we are defeated in battle? Do we recover? Do we respawn, as Xigbar would put it.
We are constantly proving the natural worlds wrong in everything we do. If we understood ourselves, could we be so different then the other worlds?
Could we create our own world made up of beings like us? What would we do? If Kingdom Hearts is completed, could we go back to our own respective worlds and live like we did when we exsisted? Did any of us exsist in the first place? How do we know we weren't just imagining our past lives?
What are you doing to me? I should be content living here, doing whatever I please to help our goal of exsisting.
If we can interact with other worlds, does that not mean we exsist like they do? What are we? When our kingdom hearts is completed, what will happen, how do we change? Does that mean I can love you for real? Can we be together once that happens? Can we live our lives as two in normal worlds?
What am I thinking? What you did was normal, it's not you, it's me. I'm overreacting, i'm psychotic, i'm insane, i'm not thinking right, i'm starting to think like a real being. This isn't supposed to happen, i'm not supposed to be this way.
I need help.