A/N: Okay, so these three little stories started off as three unrelated pieces. However, somewhere along the way I decided to break my standard rule about Christmas fics. I generally shy away from them no matter what profile I'm using and no matter what fandom. Mainly because everyone and their great grandmother has a Christmas fic for their favorite characters in their favorite fandom.

And, since I was going to break one of my own rules, I was going to go all the way. lol So now you all get three for the price of one! Yay!

Enjoy!

Ghosts of Christmas Past

Just three days? Colonel Sheppard wondered to himself, reading the request from Major Lorne.

It didn't take a Heightmeyer to know something was up with the Major. The man had been gone for over two months after his mother passed away earlier in the year. It's not like Lorne hadn't earned the leave time seven times over in his career, and he still had leave time available to go home for Christmas. So why was he only taking three days off, and staying in Atlantis, for that matter? Shaking this off, Sheppard approved the request and moved on to the rest of his paperwork. He was going to have to have a talk with the man, soon.

~o~o~o~

Somewhere along the way with everything else going on, Sheppard forgot about the Major's request. It wasn't until the usual round of personnel were arranged in the gate room to head home a week before Christmas that Sheppard remembered. And that was only because he didn't see Lorne in the crowd below during the weekly dial-in that would send all of them on their way; only to return weeks later with the Daedalus. Thinking again he needed to corner his SiC, he turned back to his usual duties.

~o~o~o~

Of course, things never turn out the way they plan. So, Colonel Sheppard, being the busy man he is, totally forgot about catching the Major to see if things were okay. And then things finally slowed down enough to think. He had a vague recollection of Lorne reminding him that he wasn't going to have his radio and would be out of touch for the next three days. But, as ever, he'd be back in the day after Christmas.

By this point Sheppard was pretty certain the man was either in a funk, or was just going out of his way to avoid the usual city-wide festivities. Whatever was going on in Lorne's head, it was starting to irk him. One thing Sheppard prided himself on was knowing his men. And the Major's unusual behavior meant there was something bothering the man that he didn't know about. And that could lead to mistakes. Mistakes cost lives.

Given the fact that it was two days before Christmas, Lorne was officially off, and Sheppard really didn't have a reason to bother the man on his days off, he made yet another mental note to see how his friend behaved after the holidays. Lorne had always been dependable, Sheppard didn't see any reason this would change now. So, hopefully his three days off would give him time to deal with whatever it was and get back to work.

~o~o~o~

"What?" Sheppard heard the confusion clear in the tech's voice as he was waiting for a radio check in from one of his off world teams.

"What's up, Chuck?"

"Not sure, sir. Just…No, there it is again."

"What?" Sheppard asked, coming around to view the man's laptop.

"Sorry, Colonel. Doctor McKay wanted us to do some adjustment to the city-wide sensors while he was gone. So, I'm doing just that when I caught something way out on the Northwest Pier. And I mean way out there."

"Like what?" Sheppard asked, leaning down to see the laptop screen for himself.

Instead of answering, Chuck just pointed to the flashing dot and label. Sheppard frowned.

"Thanks. I'll look into it in a few. Just keep an eye on it and let me know if anything changes."

"Sure thing."

With that the man went back to work and Sheppard went back to waiting.

~o~o~o~

An hour later Colonel Sheppard found himself approaching the end of the Northwest Pier. As in the very edge of the city, end. There he found Major Lorne sitting with his feet dangling off the side of the city with a half-empty liter sized bottle of tequila sitting next to him. Being that he was off, the Major had dressed down to jeans, a black t-shirt, and, for once, his hair wasn't picture perfect. For a moment Sheppard just watched as Lorne sat hunched, but not leaning too far over the side. Not sure how drunk the man might be, he considered maybe talking him back further. But, then he caught sight of the paper in Lorne's hand. Even from this distance, some twenty feet away, he could make out the Major's own handwriting.

So that's what this is about, Sheppard thought, not really surprised.

Well, there was only one way to find out what condition the man was in. Somewhat concerned that his friend hadn't yet noticed his presence, Sheppard radioed the command center that he was taking off his radio for a few while he was on break, and then slipped it into his pocket.

Stepping closer he asked, "So, how many are on the list?"

"Fuck!" Lorne let slip when he started in surprise.

Well that was one question answered, Sheppard thought to himself. Obviously Lorne was fairly buzzed, but not staggering drunk or anything. Because the man was almost never startled, and typically had enough control of his vocabulary not to use such language; at least not in public.

Turning around to look up at the Colonel, Lorne gave him a nasty look. "Didn't anyone ever tell you sneaking up on people is a bad idea?"

Glad to see that the only thing in the Major's hands was that paper and not what…well, to be honest, what he'd feared, Sheppard grinned. "I wasn't sneaking. You just weren't paying attention."

Still scowling Lorne looked him up and down taking in the uniform but no radio. "I'm off duty, so this better not be an official visit."

Making a point of eyeing the man and the bottle of liquor next to him, Sheppard asked, "Does it need to be an official visit?"

"No."

"Then it's not," Sheppard said, happily. "Relax, Evan."

For a moment it looked like the man was going to tell Sheppard to bugger off, but seemed to change his mind. Seeing the expression relax as Lorne turned his attention to the paper in his hands, Sheppard decided to make himself comfortable. He took a seat right next to him, he took in the view.

"Makes you feel pretty small, doesn't it?" Evan commented.

"No more so than flying at forty-five thousand feet in a Raptor. But that still doesn't answer my question. How many are on your list, now?" Wanting to keep it casual, John leaned back on his elbows while waiting for his answer.

Evan scowled as he folded the paper. For a moment John didn't think he was going to answer. "Twenty-three. You act like you knew about it."

"I do. A lot of people have lists." And it was true. Almost anyone who wound up in a leadership role in the military had a list of people who had died under their command. Some, even kept them in a journal.

"You too?"

"Nope. But that's not why I'm here. Why are you here instead of at your sister's?"

Evan shrugged, picking up the tequila and taking a swig. "We had a bit of a falling out after Mom passed. We agreed it would be best if we spend a little time apart."

John kept his silence. He knew if Evan wanted to talk, he would. For a few minutes the two sat in comfortable silence.

"She wants me to leave the Air Force," Evan finally confessed.

John nodded, keeping his eyes focused on the water far, far out and below them. "That still doesn't explain why you're out here with the list."

"Persistent as ever," Evan chuckles, leaning back. "Look, John, I'll admit, I wonder about their families sometimes. But that's pretty typical for this time of year for anyone."

Not for the first time Colonel Sheppard had to remind himself that Major Lorne had not set out to be career military. His first love had been geology. He'd never found out why Evan had given up on that career to join the Air Force. And, it was probably only because of the Stargate Program that the man was even still in the Air Force. He knew they shared the same sense that this city was their home, now. Almost anyone with the natural ATA gene strong enough to sense it felt that way. But, even so, maybe it was time to convince Evan that a career change might be in order; especially if things were finally getting to him. Better to quit while he's ahead, and still had a head.

Not liking the timing, not liking the circumstances, not liking to have this conversation at all but still needing to know where he was at with his friend, John finally asked, "So, what is it? Survivor's guilt? Depression?"

His surprise was complete when Evan laughed softly. "Nope."

John knew the look he gave screamed "bullshit", but kept his mouth shut when Evan turned to look at him. The expression must have triggered something, though, because Evan laughed even more. Finally Evan decided to put the man out of his misery.

"Think about it, John. In our line of work, we can sit here and confidently say that somewhere out there in another universe, all twenty-three of them are sitting at home with their families celebrating Christmas, right now. So, no, I assure you, that's not what this is about."

John grunted, still not buying it. "Look, Evan, you're the most solid, easy-going, well-adjusted, some would say unflappable, guy I've probably ever served with. So what's up with all this, then?" he asked, motioning to the tequila, their distance from the city, and the list.

"Actually, this is a yearly ritual for me. This is just the first time I've been in the city on December Twenty-Third. It's not depression or survivor's guilt or anything like that. I like to remember. Their families are sitting there now, thinking about them on the holiday. The only thing they know is that their son, sister, brother, mother, whomever, is dead. They don't know how, and they don't know why they're dead. They don't know that their family member died doing something they loved, for something they believed in, so others could live."

Evan paused, his gaze still on the water far below.

"And you feel it's your fault?" Sheppard finally prompted.

"Not at all," Evan said, shaking his head.

Considering this, John shook his head confused. "Then why only twenty-three? Why not all the others?"

Evan smiled sadly, glancing at John for a moment. "Because these are the ones that gave my family the best Christmas gift ever. I'm still here to spend Christmas with my mother, sister, and nephews thanks to them."

Again John nods, taking this in. To him, it seemed as good of a way to deal with it as anyone. As ever, Evan had proved himself a very mentally and emotionally healthy person. John almost envied him at times.

"So, do you have any plans to leave the Air Force?"

"No, hence the reason I'm here instead of in front of a warm, cozy fire with my nephews building Lego cities."

For a few minutes they sat in silence, just enjoying the view and the quiet. Glancing at his watch, John heaved a sigh, knowing he needed to wrap this up and get back to work before the city imploded or something.

"You coming to the Christmas party in the mess hall?"

Evan shrugged. "Not sure. I was actually thinking of catching up on some sleep tomorrow. Guess I'll see how I feel on Christmas day."

Sitting up, John pulled a piece of paper out of his breast pocket. "Well, just in case you don't show up, I'll give you this now."

Curious, Evan read the paper. John couldn't help the grin as he watched the man's face light up. "It's not official for a couple more months, yet; but, in light of our conversation, I thought you should know. Merry Christmas, Lieutenant Colonel Lorne."

Evan watched him stand up with no small amount of suspicion. "And if I'd said otherwise?"

John smiled jauntily as he fished his radio out of his pocket. "Then I would have had to use it as an incentive instead of Christmas gift. I can't have the best man I've ever served with quitting on me, now can I?"

He laughed again as an idea struck his liquored-up mind. "No, you're more likely to be an ass about it than to sweet talk me."

Chuckling, John agreed. "You're probably right. But that's not something we're going to have to worry about now. I've got to head back. Don't get too shitfaced out here. I'm not going for a swim, and it's a long way back to the Jumper Bay."

Lorne laughed. "Don't worry. I've been nursing this bottle for months. Merry Christmas, John."

"Merry Christmas, Evan."