Author's Note: I have recently faced a lot of the issues raised in this story myself, and so I'm sorry if at sometimes it seems a bit dark, or a bit gruesome, but I have tried my best to emulate the feelings that I had, the actions that I did, as best I can on paper. So I hope you'll stick with me. I'd love to hear feedback on this story seeing as its so personal, with a lot of the feelings and actions being transported straight from my life into those of the characters.
Remember: I don't own Glee in any way, shape or form.
Rory stared at Sam and Mercedes across the room. Mercedes' loving look into Sam's eyes, the stolen glances, the way she made him feel. The adoration that she had garnered from Sam made Rory sick. It hurt him, in every way. His heart burned, and his hairs would stand on end. A thousand knives were plunging into him every second that they were together. Rory was gay. Sam and he were best friends, but for almost as long as he had known Sam, Rory had wanted more, had loved Sam and every little stupid thing about him. The way he would always scratch his left ear when he was thinking, the way that when he saw Rory his face would light up, those stolen moments when they would just sit quietly and enjoy each other's company. But then Sam had sprung a surprise. He was going to ask Mercedes to date him. The world came crashing down. As if the problems he was already dealing with weren't enough, now he would have to face seeing the love of his life get happiness from somebody else. He had known for a long time it was hopeless. There was no possibility of him and Sam ever becoming an item. The universe and its twisted games would make sure of that. But there was always that unconquerable hope that comes with being so in love. Sam's recent actions hadn't done anything to help that. Telling Rory that he loved him, and then came the 'groping' the hands wrapped around the other's cock as they strained for release. Of course, Rory would have done anything for Sam, but it seemed that Sam just saw it as a way to get off. The pain he was causing would, in Rory's eyes, never become known to Sam.
Before 'Samcedes' were a couple, Rory had already realised the hopelessness of his situation, and every night, in his room alone, he would try to make sense of it. That was how, two weeks before Mercedes even become the happiest girl at school, Rory had placed a razor to his leg, and slashed a cut, watching the blood pour out. It made the pain real. It wasn't abstract, it was a real, tangible pain. One that could be dealt with, one that he could mend. The way he couldn't mend his broken heart. He would cry himself to sleep at night, curled up into a ball beneath the covers. He could shut the world out like this. It was just him, the blanket and his breath. The rise and fall of his heart. But it was always there. That dull, aching pain that had ingrained itself into his very being. In every cell of his body, he could feel that pain, that thud, the burn.
On the night that Sam told him he was going to ask Mercedes out, Rory lost all control over the pain. His phone was placed down on his bedside table, his iPod still playing through his earphones. He could still see the text imprinted into his mind: Hey, I think I have feelings for Mercedes. I'm gonna ask her out tomorrow. What do you think? The razor. That's what he needed right now. Nothing else would help him and his problems. Nobody knew he was gay. Nobody knew he had feelings for Sam. They would be secrets, kept for a time he was feeling more brave, feeling more secure. He flicked the razor over his thumb, feeling the edges of it. This time he would cause more pain than ever before, but little did he realise that at the start. He could hear his music playing softly in the background, but couldn't make out the tune, everything had been blocked out by now.
Notice me take my hand
Why are we strangers when
Our love is strong
Why carry on without me?
Rory holds out his arm, he will cope with this news the only way he knows how. The razor held tightly in his hand, he slashes it down, and watches the blood follow. Silent tears block him from seeing clearly, but he knows where he is trying to hurt. He doesn't want to hit an artery. Not yet anyway. His finger runs over the cut, and the sharp sting runs through his whole body. He picks up the razor again.
Every time I try to fly
I fall without my wings
I feel so small
I guess I need you baby
And every time I see you in my dreams
I see your face, it's haunting me
I guess I need you baby.
His arm is now covered in blood. There are five fresh cuts that he has made tonight. He can see the scars of old wounds still marked into his skin. But it doesn't put him off. There is more pain tonight. His heart is hurting more than ever, and what has done so far has not nearly equaled how he feels. Nothing will, but he still needs more. The pain is not enough yet. Brushing the tears out of his eyes, he glances over at the phone laying on the side, and the message runs through his head once again. He lifts up his sleeve so that he can reach his shoulder.
I make believe
That you are here
It's the only way
I see clear
What have I done
You seem to move on easy
He pushes the razor in harder this time. The cuts are deeper than before, and there is more blood. Luckily he has a bandage on hand for moments like this. But it isn't time for that yet. He runs the blade over his thumb, and he knows it isn't time to stop yet. This is the worst its ever been. Normally it only takes one or two cuts a day, but here he is, on nine and he knows that it isn't enough. Nothing will be but at least he can get closer.
And every time I try to fly
I fall without my wings
I feel so small
I guess I need you baby
And every time I see you in my dreams
I see your face, you're haunting me
I guess I need you baby
He can't move his arm anymore. Fourteen fresh cuts all on the one arm. He runs a finger over them, feeling them and the pain. He has calmed down now, and he can think more clearly than he could before. He reaches for a bandage. He would clean up his bloody arm later – there's a chance that an adult could see him if he went to the bathroom at this time of night to wash. There would be questions if he did that. So he did what he has always done. Hide it from sight, and the secret will remain a secret. The bandages are soaked red, but at least he can get rid of the bandage easily. Blood on his bed sheets would be noticed, and hard to explain.
I may have made it rain
Please forgive me
My weakness caused you pain
And this song is my sorry
At night I pray
That soon your face
Will fade away
Rory reaches for his phone. He needs to text Sam back. That text is waiting for him - Hey, I think I have feelings for Mercedes. I'm gonna ask her out tomorrow. What do you think? He realises that he doesn't know how to answer this. A part of him wants to tell Sam everything, but at the same time, he knows he has to make his friend happy. Even if it means hurting himself every day like this for the rest of his life. Anything. As long as Sam comes into school with a smile on his face, Rory will have at least done a little bit of his job as a friend.
And every time I try to fly
I fall without my wings
I feel so small
I guess I need you baby
And every time I see you in my dreams
I see your face, you're haunting me
I guess I need you baby
It has taken him a while. Deliberately typing out each letter, making sure that everything is spelled correctly. He needs to make sure that Sam believes him when he gets the text. The send button is pressed. Rory closes his eyes. Just to think about what he has done. The events of this night have taken him right into hell. He stares back at his phone. At the message he just sent. Sounds good. Go for it! :D Looking at it, he knows that he has only just entered hell.
So I'll hopefully have Chapter 2 up soon. I just wanted to say that this story will probably only end up being around four chapters long, so it will probably be short, but I hope that you will stick with me for the journey.