"Fuck no Hanji."

"Levi please." Hanji begged, fisting both hands in Levi's shirt and dragging his face closer so that he couldn't avoid her pleading gaze. He jabbed two fingers against her forehead to prevent their heads from knocking together.

"Acting cute doesn't work when you're a psychomanic bitch. I absolutely refuse to partake in this shitty excuse for soft-core porn show of yours. In fact, I think I'm going to be sick just thinking about it." Levi shook off his hyperactive colleague with practiced ease and straightened his collar, "besides, aren't swimsuit contests generally meant for people more tits?"

Hanji rolled her eyes, "Come on Levi, you're a gay man getting a graduate degree in dance at a liberal arts university where half the students put 'other' as their sexual orientation; social conformity looks bad on you. And the school's making this event co-ed for the sake of equality or something like that."

"Equality in what? Objectification? Forget it. I'm not fucking doing it." Levi turned to walk away; an exercise in futility. Hanji Zoe was his oldest (and some would argue, only) friend because in his 20 some years of life, she had been the only person persistent enough to rub herself against the cheese grater that was Levi's personality until he relented and let her in. That admirable persistence had led Hanji to make many a breakthrough in her short career as a student researcher, winning her much esteem from the scientific community. Unfortunately, it also made her an eternal pain in the ass for Levi.

"Leviiiiiii," the female scientist whined as she latched onto his arm, holding him in place, "don't be so insecure. All you have to do is walk out, flex, and come back. You may be shorter than most women but you're a total babe. You'll win best abs at least."

"That's hardly the issue—"

"Then loosen up and have some fun! Come on, I'll do anything you want. I'll write your dissertation; I'll buy you a year's supply of cleaning supplies; I'll make you the world's most amazing sex toy; just do this for me—" Hanji stumbled as Levi finally managed to yank his arm from her superhuman grip.

The dancer cringed at the hopelessly wrinkled state of his sleeve, "No means no. I've made my decision and that is final." He turned and once again tried to walk away.

Hanji pouted. If begging and bribing didn't work, then it was time to skip over the big guns and reach for the nukes. She wasn't called a genius for nothing. "Well, Levi, I don't know how to tell you this but I've already signed you up for the contest, and I've given Petra those Vegas photos from last summer. You're due on stage in two hours, give or take, and I will drag you up there myself if I have to."

Exercise. In. Futility. Levi took a furious breath and turned back to deliver the most withering glare he could manage. Most grown men would have pissed their pants and ran for the nearest international border when confronted with that glare, but Hanji just crossed her arms and stood her ground. "You wouldn't dare." He grit out as menacingly as possible.

"I'm sure your fans would love to see the way you humped that sphinx statue at the Luxor hotel, don't you think?"

Levi turned away as his usually expressionless face contorted in a downright snarl.

Hanji's smile turned wicked. The prey was cornered; time to go in for the kill. "Oh, and did I mention? Professor Erwin's going to be on the judges' panel." She broke out a shit eating grin as Levi's tense frame deflated like a punctured balloon. "And I'm sure he'll have a much harder time saying no once he sees what he's missin—."

"Shut the fuck up. I'll do it." Levi gave one more halfhearted glare, "I want my first gallon of bleach in three days and you'll pay for my drinks when we go binging after this."

The short man sounded so defeated Hanji almost felt bad for him. Almost. Not at all. She cackled to convey her sympathy. "Of course babe, now let's get you cleaned up and ready to go."

An hour and a half later found Levi in what he could only describe as a pair of black spandex panties. He was pretty sure a "swim suit" like this could only be dredged up from the seediest corner of eBay. It disturbed him that sweet, darling Petra just happened to have a pair on hand—in his size. If he actually gave a shit about other people and their worthless opinions, he'd be embarrassed to be out in public right then. Good thing he didn't give a damn.

"Stand still would you?" Petra scolded as she brushed eye shadow into the crevices of Levi's county-famous eight pack, "I'm trying to make you look fabulous here."

Levi suppressed a shiver as Petra's brush hit a particularly ticklish chunk of rock hard abdominal. "Do you really have to do this? I mean, I'm pretty goddamn sure none of the undergrad pussies competing today can put up a better show than me."

Normally, Petra was the sort of nice girl that would just huff at his arrogant statements and then go back to what she was doing instead of reprimanding him. Today, however, Petra's brush froze mid-stroke. "Oh, I wouldn't be so sure about that."

Levi felt taken aback. Never in his life had anyone dared to question the supremacy of his abs. "What do you mean?"

Petra glanced around furtively before dropping her voice to a whisper, "Well, there's this chick, Mikasa Ackerman." She jabbed Levi with her brush when he let out an unbelieving scoff, "She's a freshman, undergrad, and rumor has it that her body is simply inhuman."

"Uh-huh. Keep going."

"Well, I heard that she once threw her brother across the dining hall. Literally one end to the other. Using only one hand." Petra's eyes gleamed as she relayed the gossip, "And she was at that big pool party the university throws at the beginning of the year. Witnesses say she jumped in the water and sank like a brick. No buoyancy at all." She faked a shudder and pressed her hand over her heart. "Of course I can't guarantee that she's cut like a canyon but I'd bet good money on it."

"Is that so." Levi straightened up, confidence slightly shaken, "Get to work then."

While Petra continued to paint his torso fifty shades of buff, Levi surveyed the other contestants in the backstage area. There were plenty of hot chicks and hot guys—many of whom were unabashedly staring back—but he didn't see anyone that fit the description of a human egg carton. Whatever. If this Mikasa lived up to her reputation then she'd be impossible to miss once she stepped out on stage.

After Petra ran off, Levi was left to his thoughts for all of three seconds before a pair of fairly nice pectorals blocked his view of the room. He let his eyes lazily drift over the kid who was both incredibly brave and incredibly stupid to approach the resident 5'3 terror of the university. Levi gave an internal shrug. The kid wasn't Erwin but he wasn't too bad; a 7.5 if he was being generous. He was pretty convinced the kid was secretly a fish though, because they'd been staring at each other for a full minute now and those green eyes had not blinked once.

"You got something to say to me brat? Or are you just going to stand there and enjoy the view?" That seemed to snap the kid out of his hormonal daze.

"I'm Eren Jaeger." The kid, Eren, declared.

"I didn't ask." Levi replied.

"I think you're hot."

"Most people do."

"Wanna make a magic sandwich with me?"

"What. The. Actual. Fuck?"

Eren didn't even blush. "Yeah, you know. Bump uglies, a bit of the ol' in and out."

Levi felt his eyebrow rising against his will. "Are you the brat that got thrown across the room by his ogre sister?"

Eren nodded.

"Figures."

Thankfully, Hanji saved them both from further embarrassment by announcing the official start of the competition. Some shitty pop song with a loud bass started playing through the large speakers and the show began.