Summary: He was feeling sour, angry and mean, and debating whether he had enough courage to face his friends – who he was sure would know instantly what he'd done – ever again, or if he should just shoot himself now. Okay so he was feeling sour, angry, mean and melodramatic.
Spoilers: Basic ones for 'The Real World'
Pairing: Sheppard/Weir
Warnings: There's a little bit of language.
Disclaimer: Stargate Atlantis is not mine. Only the story line and any made up characters that may appear in the story belong to me.
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Bolting awake for the fourth night in a row Elizabeth gasped for air. As her breathing slowly came under control, she couldn't help but glance quickly around her room just to convince herself that it was real. She knew logically that she was safely back in Atlantis, back in the real world, yet she couldn't quite shake off the coldness that the nanites had left inside her.
Glancing over at the clock Elizabeth sighed when she saw the late hour or early depending on how you looked at it. There was no way she was getting back to sleep tonight and she still had several hours before she had to be to work, so tossing the covers aside she slid out of bed and decided to go for a walk. Once dressed Elizabeth left her quarters and began to wander around the city.
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Letting out a loud sigh John resigned himself to the simple fact that sleep would not be coming to him this particular night. John sat up slowly and dropped his head into his hands, normally when he couldn't sleep it was because of a number of things but this time he knew with out a doubt it was all because of her. The incident with Elizabeth and the nanites had left John more shaken than he'd care to admit, even to himself.
Rising slowly, he made his way over to the door and resigned himself to a night of wandering the empty halls alone. He had been aimlessly wandering for about an hour when he spotted Elizabeth standing out on a balcony. He wasn't really sure how long he stood there, but after a while, it became apparent to him that the woman he was watching was getting cold, shivering in the cool night air wrapping her arms around her body in an effort to keep warm.
Slipping his leather jacket from his shoulders John moved closer and wrapped it around Elizabeth's shoulders. She jumped slightly at the sudden touch, but relaxed as soon as she realized who it was behind her. Snaking her arms into the sleeves, she shot him a smile of thanks, which John happily returned. Elizabeth sighed and moved so that her back was once again toward him, watching the ocean as steadily as she had before he had arrived.
John's smile disappeared as soon as he saw hers fade to be replaced by a frown. He suspected she was reliving some of that life she'd had in her mind while the nanites were having their fun. Without a second thought, he stepped closer and slipped his arms under the coat, protectively moving to wrap them around her slim form.
Elizabeth stiffened at the unexpected action for a moment before relaxing into John's arms. For years she had longed to feel this man's arms around her, holding her, keeping her safe. But their positions had never allowed for it. They still didn't, but for the moment Elizabeth didn't care, she deserved a little human contact and comfort after what she'd been through and she'd be damned if she was going to turn it down coming from John.
Glad that she hadn't pulled away from him John tightened his hold slightly as he thought about how close he'd come to losing Elizabeth. There were so many things that he wanted to say, to ask, but he held his tongue knowing there'd be time for that later. Right now all that mattered was that even just for a moment he was able to comfort the woman he'd grown to care a lot about and give her something to ground her in reality.
After a moment Elizabeth broke the silence, "There was this point…these few moments…where I really thought…that I'd gone insane… that all of this – Atlantis, you, everyone – was just a figment of my imagination. And…" she stopped, too overcome with emotion to continue.
"Hey," John spoke in a near whisper as he gently but determinedly turned Elizabeth around to face him. "It's okay, it's all over now, this is real." he whispered in her ear wrapping his strong arms around her shoulders, pulling her closer to him. Her arms found his waist and clung tightly. She just stood there eyes closed taking deep breaths as if her life depended on it.
Deciding that out in public where anyone could walk in on her probably wasn't the best place for Elizabeth to have an emotional break down John, arms still tightly around her, started to lead Elizabeth back to her quarters.
Once there, thinking that she would probably want to be alone when the damn finally burst, John started to unwrap his arms from around Elizabeth and move towards the door, "I should probably go and let you get some sleep."
Elizabeth tightened her hold on John, "Don't…" She didn't want to sleep. She needed to be awake right now, to let it sink in that she really was awake, that this wasn't a dream. She knew it wasn't, but still there was this need to be sure, this need to erase even the last tiny bit of doubt. She needed to stand there, with her arms around John feeling him solid and real under her fingers. Leaning up Elizabeth gently cupped the side of John's face and leaned into kiss him.
"Elizabeth we can't..." Pulling back slightly John gripped her wrist and almost felt his heart break at the confused and hurt look that crosses her face.
"Please John..." Elizabeth begged, "I need this. I need to know that this is all real, that I'm not losing my mind."
"There's no turning back..." he said softly.
"I know," Elizabeth replied moving in closer, finally capturing John's lips in a heated kiss.
After a moments hesitation John passionately returned the kiss as he slid his hands into Elizabeth's dark curls. His fingers tangled gently in the soft tendrils of her hair, and he tilted her head back so that he could trail searing kisses from her lips, down her arched neck. He only hesitated finally at her rapid pulse point, his lips just barely brushing the soft skin there.
"Don't stop, John," she murmured, and he could feel the depth of her desire shiver against his lips. "Don't stop," she breathed again, her hands pulling at him as her body arched against his…
--
In the morning John woke beside Elizabeth feeling a great sense of remorse at what he'd done. He also felt angry with himself. The first thoughts that had assaulted him hadn't been about the happiness he should have felt after finally making love with the woman of his dreams or even of how beautiful she looked first thing in the morning. All he could think about was the fact that he'd taken advantage of her when she was in a vulnerable state, that he defiled her and screwed over our friendship forever.
Slipping carefully out of bed so as not to disturb Elizabeth, John quickly dressed and made to leave the room. He paused just before reaching the door and not wanting to be a complete jerk back tracked into the room to find some paper and a pen. Scribbling a quick note that simply read 'Sorry' John placed it on the night stand then fled from the room.
Finding his way to the mess hall John found himself a secluded table where he sat nursing a cup of coffee. He silently watched as the morning crowd began to filter in. a few times some of the female personnel tried to flirt with him like usual John just ignored them and tried very hard to resist the urge to tell them off.
He was feeling sour, angry and mean, and debating whether he had enough courage to face his friends – who he was sure would know instantly what he'd done – ever again, or if he should just shoot himself now. Okay so he was feeling sour, angry, mean and melodramatic.
And it was in that frame of mind that a furious Elizabeth found John. "You," she bellowed when still halfway across the mess hall, stalking over to the table John sat at and gripping it with white knuckles, "are the biggest ASS I have ever met!"
John dropped his gaze to the table, not denying the accusation. She pursed her lips and turned her back on him for a minute, then fished her pocket and turned to slap down the 'sorry' note in front of John on the small, round table. She stood on one side of the table while John sat on the other. "What the hell does that mean?" She was so mad her skin had gone red and mottled.
Aware that quite a few people were watching them now John picked up the note and stared at it, what had he meant when he'd written just that one word?
"Did last night mean nothing to you?"
The question caught John by surprise that it took him almost a full minute to reply. He opened his mouth to respond but it was too late Elizabeth had already turned and started to walk away. In that moment of silence Elizabeth had gone from mottled red to as white as a ghost.
Seeing the look of utter desolation on Elizabeth's face John shoved back his chair and vaulted over his table in a single leap ignoring those in the mess hall that had been watching – or trying no to – the whole scene. In too much of a rush to reach Elizabeth he didn't even apologize when he nearly ran a few people over.
Catching her wrist John spun Elizabeth around to face him, sending her right into his arms. He dropped her wrist gripped her face with both hands and kissed her like there was no tomorrow. John could hear and feel Elizabeth's surprised gasp in his mouth, as he poured all of his emotions into that one particular kiss. Everyone is entitled to at least one epiphany in his life, and this was John's: he was in love, head over heels in love.
"You have no idea how much last night meant to me, it meant everything." John gasped when he finally pulled back from the kiss. "I love you, damn it. I fucking love you more than I can fucking say."
"Then what the hell was that note all about, why'd you disappear on me this morning?" Elizabeth peered questioningly into John's eyes.
"Because I made a huge mistake last night," John finally managed to get out. "I can't undo it, though I wish to God I could. I did the absolute worst possible thing to my best friend – I took advantage of you –."
"Took advantage of me?" Elizabeth cut him off, anger flashing through her eyes. "If I remember correctly I'm the one who instigated it…if anything I took advantage of you…" Seeming to realize for the first time that they had an audience Elizabeth gripped John's hand and pulled him out of the mess hall and into the first unoccupied room she could find. No doubt their little scene would be all over Atlantis before lunch.
"Now look John I'm going to say this once and only once, you did not take advantage of me last night." Elizabeth grasped John's face in her hands forcing him to stare her straight in the eyes. "You have no idea how much I needed last night. And as hard as it may be for you to believe I don't want it to be just a one night thing either. Love's a two way street, you know."
"God, why do things have to get so complicated with us?" John sighed as he wrapped an arm around Elizabeth's waist.
"Because it's us," Elizabeth stated in no uncertain terms as she rested her head on John's shoulder. "We wouldn't know simple if it jumped up and bit us on the ass."
"True. Look do you think we could just completely start over?"
"Completely start over?" Elizabeth pulled back, an eyebrow raised.
"Okay maybe not start over completely but maybe slow things down a bit just to make sure we…I…do this properly." John didn't want to take any chances that he might fuck things up between him and Elizabeth.
"I think I can live with that, but before we go any further with this…" She pulled back completely from John, "you need a shower."
"I don't know whether to be insulted by that or not." John felt that he should probably have been offended by it, but she was right, and he had to find it funny how the mundane physical could so thoroughly intrude on even the most intense emotional moment.
"And so do I, for that matter." Elizabeth continued as if John hadn't spoken. "I woke up to find you gone with just that stupid note . . . so I threw on the first pair of clothes I could find and came after you." She scrunched up her nose half in play, but half in real irritation. "You're pretty high maintenance, you know that?"
"I'm high maintenance?" John took mock insult to that. "You're one to be talking."
"Never denied it, but you still love me anyway." She gave him a playful kiss.
It was half-playful and maybe even a tad fished for, but John didn't mind taking the bait. "Yes I love you. I've loved you going on three years now, so never doubt it okay?"
"Three years? Really?" She seemed surprised by that. "Why didn't you ever tell me?"
John just gave her a 'did you really just ask me that?' look and shook his head. Taking her hand in his he lead her back to her quarters so that they could get showered and ready for the day. Their lives had just taken a huge 180 and he had no doubt that it wasn't going to be an easy road most of the time, but as long as they went through it together, they'd survive anything life through at them.