Frodo Goes Berserk
A/N: Written in about five minutes whilst in the midst of finals week in between trying to help a friend with a research paper. Not to be taken seriously. Also, there are no life lessons whatsoever to be gleaned from it; it is purely nonsense, rubbish, and refuse heaped into one steaming little pile.
Mr. Frodo saw Sméagol dragging himself over the flat slippery rocks of the streambed, and then he heard a noxious, lower-class accented voice call, "Hey, Stinker! Don't go gettin' too far ahead!"
Frodo turned a sharp and annoyed glare on Sam. "Why do you do that? Call him names! Run him down all the time!"
"Because that's what he is, Mr. Frodo," Sam protested, gesturing at Sméagol further down the stream, who was panting with an absurdly gleeful expression camped on his emaciated face. "There's naught left in him but lies and deceit."
Frodo's nostrils flared, and his eyes flashed green. He shoved Sam brusquely against the stone of a nearby Numenorean pillar, gritting his finely pointed white teeth. He gripped the astonished Sam by the lapels and started screaming incoherently, sending flecks of spit sailing into Sam's boyish face. Sméagol's keen ears picked up the commotion, and it was enough to tear him away from his pursuit of a very elusive fish. He shambled over to the two figures and began trying to separate them with his knobby, bony hands. He panted and grunted with his unavailing exertions.
"Master! Fat Hobbit! Mustn't make so much noise! Mustn't let them hear us!" His bulging eyes darted up, down, left, and right, as if he expected a great black winged shadow to descend out of the blue sky at any second and carry him away. "Orcses! Wraiths! Wicked men! All around us, precious! They sees! They hears! They finds us, yes, my precious…"
Frodo leered at Gollum with a hungry light in his eyes, then gave Sam's lapels one last firm shake. He huffed impertinently, crossed his arms, and turned his back to his curly-haired gardener. "Fine. But don't expect me to let him insult me like that again."
Just then, Lindsay Lohan skydived off a low-flying Nazgul and took Sméagol away to be trapped at George Fox for a semester of torture and nonstop exams and endless 12-page papers and horrendous all-night cramming sessions.
The End