Why Did I Ever Doubt You?, a sookie stackhouse/southern vampire mysteries fanfic

Author: KelseyLoVe
Title: Why Did I Ever Doubt You?
Disclaimer: I do not own the characters from Southern Vampire Mysteries or seek to gain profit by using them in this story. They belong to Charlaine Harris. I also do not own the song; it is "Life After You" by Daughtry.
Summary: Sookie is broken down after the Fairy War, lashes out at Eric and finally goes to him for answers. She gets her explanation for what happened. Set about a month after Dead and Gone. Sookie/Eric

Author's Note: I know that this isn't neccessarily what you all wanted me to post. However, my laptop is being worked on. And the third chapter of I Remember is on it. It's intact and I should be getting it back soon. I promise to post the next chapter for it as soon as possible. In its absence, I was inspired by this song and started writing this story on whatever computer I could get my hands on. : ) It's a great song, I strongly advise listening to it. Definitely gets you in the right frame of mind. Anyway, I hope you enjoy! And that this placates you temporarily during the lull between chapters of I Remember, if you happen to read that as well.

After the Fairy War, I was broken. I could go on and on for hours about just how I was broken, emotionally and physically, but I'd actually prefer not to rehash it all. It was a long road back to… me. Of course, I'd never be "me" again after what I'd been through this time. And Jason thought I'd been cold before. Now I was frigid. I proved my frigidity one night in particular. It was one of those days I had, most people have I'm sure, but mine was worse than normal. It was a day when I hated everything. Supes were especially high on my hate list. I'd let it all come to the forefront of my mind when I usually tried to suppress it. If you were a vampire or a Were or a fairy or a goblin or any number of things that weren't human, that day was a bad day to be around me. Eric chose that day, I suppose I should say night, to visit me. He came with no particular agenda, as far as I could tell. It had been a couple weeks since I'd seen him. I had been back at work for a while, trying to get back into a semblance of normalcy, and I think he sensed that and stayed away for my sake. Most days I appreciated that. Most days I appreciated him, but not this day.

He still hadn't told me the story of what had happened during my kidnapping. He had yet to "make me understand" as he'd said he would. Today, that made me very angry. I don't think he'd been inside my house for two minutes of saying our hellos when I laid into him about it.

"You seem to have healed well," he said. It was a somewhat grim statement, but it was meant as a compliment. I could see in his eyes it still angered and hurt him that I'd been so damaged.

Since I was in the fighting mood, I lifted up the bottom of my long sleeved shirt to show him my abdomen. It was still littered with scars and would be for many years, despite the large amounts of blood Eric had given me. The majority of the scars were still sensitive to the touch. I often flinched throughout the day. When someone would brush past me, or when I put on my clothes, or when I took a shower. Not an hour could go by in my day without being reminded. "Still working on it," I said, and my voice was choked by my emotions: anger, hurt, fear.

Eric's facial expression flickered and it happened so fast I couldn't tell what he was feeling. He stepped forward, reaching his hand out slowly, as if to touch my stomach. I yanked the fabric back down and he retracted his hand. His eyes caught mine and were searching. There was confusion and a tinge of pain in his and I couldn't stand to see it anymore, so I turned away from him.

"Where were you?" I asked, my voice only a breath. It was what I'd asked myself, and wanted to ask him, every day. My all-encompassing anger at the world gave me the courage today.

"Sookie, I…" Eric began. When he didn't continue, I spared a look over my shoulder. His head was down, and his entire posture was one of defeat. He sensed my eyes on him and looked at me, straightening to look into my eyes with as much confidence as he could muster, "I promise you, I did my best for you. Even if you can't see that."

I felt a stab of guilt, but only for a second, because then I scoffed and turned on him, "So make me see it!"

Eric hesitated then and I saw him think about it. I saw that he wanted to tell me, but also that he wasn't going to. I screamed like I had when I was so frustrated with Quinn, like a child. "I can't do this anymore, Eric," I said shaking my head and motioning at the air between us with my hands. He made no move to contradict me, just let me keep yelling. "I don't know what it is, but I know that it isn't working. It's just causing me more grief than I can bear. I'm not as strong as I used to be," I said matter-of-factly. At some point, I'd come to accept that fact, realizing I would just have to live with it. I wasn't as strong, and I was angry, and my heart felt like ice. I took a deep breath to try and calm myself before continuing. "I don't know if I'll ever stop feeling you through this bond. And maybe there's nothing I can do about that. As for the fact that we're married, on some level I appreciate that. I'm sure that because of that we should still see each other occasionally… The whole once a year, conjugal visit thing. But I can't be… involved with you. It hurts too much." Eric had become stone-cold in body posture and facial expression. I thought I would be swallowed by the silence following those words, but finally he spoke.

"If that is how you feel, I can do nothing but respect your decision," he said smoothly, coolly. Apparently, Eric wasn't in the fighting mood like I was, because he turned and was at my back door in less than a second. We'd never even gotten past the kitchen. His hand was on the knob as he said his parting words and he didn't look at me. "You know where to find me. You are always welcome. I will not contact you unless the circumstances are dire… I wish to keep you from pain, not be the cause of it." With that he was gone and I did not hear from him again.

That brings us back to the present, which happens to be 23 days to the hour from when he walked out my door. Not that I'm counting. I was seated in my kitchen alone. Amelia had finally went back to New Orleans. She finally admitted that her house had been finished for some time, but she'd actually enjoyed living with me, and all the perks that came with staying in Bon Temps, so much she'd put off going back. Tray's death had been the deciding factor, mounted with the fact that I just wasn't a lot of fun to be around anymore. I could also see, both in her actions and her mind that she didn't feel safe living with me. A very powerful witch didn't feel safe around me. I tried not to look into that fact at all, as it would only make my mood towards life even more sour.

I missed my roommate, as I was alone in my home for the first time in a very long time. Almost for the first time ever, as since my grandmother died there was only a very short period of time when I wasn't with Bill, who had spent most evenings with me, before Amelia moved in. And even part of that time, Eric had been with me. It was an absolutely crazy time, but there were moments in there that may be the closest I'd get to the life I wished I could live. Just being able to share life and time and space with someone you cared about. With a man I cared about. Those four days had given me a rather small glimpse at a life I craved.

Thinking about that time, I made the very short mental leap to my current status and the absence of Eric from my life. I remembered what he had said to me that night, about how he had done his best for me. My curiosity was driving me insane wondering what he had meant by that. What had he done? I couldn't stand not knowing. The other part of me was asking myself why it mattered so much. I knew he hadn't lied to me when he said it. He couldn't lie to me, and he'd admitted that everything he told me was true, even when he didn't tell me everything. This meant he had done his best for me, and after all I had survived. Did I have reason to be so angry with him for not getting there sooner? If it had been up to him I would've been in his house, safe. Maybe I never would've been taken if I'd just sucked it up and let him protect me. I had many questions, and I didn't know if Eric would answer them, as he hadn't that night, but maybe I didn't care. Maybe. I did know that I was driving myself crazy and owed it to myself to try and get some closure.

My purse was in my hand and in seconds I was out the door to my car (a new one courtesy of Eric, since he'd had to destroy my old one to corroborate my car accident story). I hopped inside my practical Honda Civic that had been a big compromise. Eric had said that if I wouldn't get something with power, reliability and class, he'd settle for reliability. The gravel crunched under the tires as I sped down my driveway on the way to Shreveport. My finger searched and found the button to turn on the radio. It was finishing "How Do I Live?" by LeAnn Rimes and I belted along with her despite myself. Once it was over, a song began to play that I had never heard before and I almost switched the channel. I was in a singing mood today, but something stopped me as I careened through the night.

Ten miles from town and I just broke down
Spittin' out smoke on the side of the road
I'm out here alone just tryin' to get home
To tell you I was wrong, but you already know
Believe me I won't stop at nothin'
To see you, so I've started runnin'

My breath had caught in my throat at this point, and my driving had slowed to much closer to the speed limit as the voice went into the chorus. I had slowed to be able to hear him better.

I thought about the life I'd been through in the past few years. I felt that they had aged me more than I'd let myself believe. I felt the heaviness of my heart and realized that this song said exactly what I wanted: happiness and love. More than anything I wanted someone to love me that I could love back. In my current state, I didn't know how much of it I was capable of, but I still wanted it more than anything. Thinking of how long it must have been, I realized how much I wanted to laugh again. I thought of one of the few people who could make me laugh and smile just by being his big, tough, Viking vampire self.

Last time we talked, the night that I walked
Burns like an iron in the back of my mind
I must've been high to say you and I
Weren't meant to be and just wasting my time
Oh, why did I ever doubt you?
You know I would die here without you

My heart constricted in my chest and I found that driving slow was no longer good enough. Without thought, I pulled onto the shoulder, still a couple miles from Shreveport. My heart was beating fast and I found I was blinking away tears. Why did I always doubt him? When had he ever not been there when I needed him? Never, until this last time. He had always been there to take bullets for me, to heal me, to save me from whatever thing was out to get me that particular day. He'd killed many people (fairies, vampires, weres) to save my life. Why was I always so quick to doubt him? Didn't I feel more alive just being in his presence? Didn't I feel like I was dying without him? Maybe that was what he had meant when he'd said I was killing him. Maybe I was killing myself in the process.

All that I'm after is a life full of laughter
As long as I'm laughing with you
I'm thinking that all that still matters is love ever after
After the life we've been through
'Cause I know there's no life after you
You and I, right or wrong, there's no other one
After this time I spent alone
It's hard to believe that a man with sight could be so blind
Thinkin' 'bout all the better times, must've been outta my mind
So I'm runnin' back to tell you

This song was ringing so true I could hardly believe it. Eric and I might be completely wrong for each other, or we could be meant to be, or any of the million options in the middle, but was there anyone else in the world I could be with? He'd protected me ever since I'd met him, whether I wanted to admit it or not. I'd always enjoyed spending time with him whether it was business related, just talking or doing more pleasurable things. Maybe he was right. Did I love him? I'd tried to create this difference between all of the things I liked about him and loving him, but the line was blurring before my eyes. I had been blind not to see how he felt about me and I wished more than ever that I'd let him tell me that night in my bed. The answer had scared me before because I hadn't been willing to see the truth that was staring me straight in the face. The time I'd spent with him when he hadn't been himself included some of my very favorite memories. I realized that some of the others had happened with Eric as well, when he was perfectly himself. Stacking up all of these things in my mind made everything so much clearer. I put the car back in drive and pulled out onto the dark highway, speeding towards Fangtasia.

All that I'm after is a life full of laughter
Without you God knows what I'd do

The way I pulled into the parking lot should have gotten me arrested, so I was happy there were no cops around. I could feel him strongly through the bond and he was anxious, I imagine because he had felt me coming. I slammed my car door and ran towards the entrance where Pam was standing. She must have seen the look in my eyes because she didn't say a word, simply stood to the side to let me in. I pushed open the door and stood inside scanning the crowd. There were tons of people and vampires around me, as it was a Friday night, but I didn't see them or hear them. I found his eyes after only a second and locked with them. My feet traveled me forward, pushing through the crowd, never taking my eyes off of him. He stood and moved to meet me before leading me to the edge of the room where there were less people.

His hand was gently holding my elbow, but his voice was intense, "Sookie, are you alright? I sensed you coming here and then your distress and then you had stopped… I was flying to you… but then I felt you proceed and returned here."

He was trying to impress upon me two, somewhat opposing, things: that he was coming to rescue me, if I had indeed been in danger, and that he had respected my wishes to the best of his ability by leaving me alone when it seemed I was not in danger. My heart actually warmed at this before it made me feel guilty for his having to explain himself in this way.

"Eric… I'm…" I started to say, but the adrenaline in my veins was telling me that words weren't what I needed just now. I stared into his deep, blue eyes as they searched my own for answers. My hands reached up to grab his face and pulled him to me. I kissed my blonde vampire with everything in my heart and soul. It was a hard, bruising kiss that left me breathless. Slowly, I released him from my hold and came down from my tiptoes. My hands fell to my sides and I blushed as I felt the multitude of eyes upon us. I quickly put my guards up against their thoughts.

Eric didn't say anything, simply looked at me for a while. As if he came out of a trance, he suddenly felt the attention as well, glaring menacingly at everyone daring to look our way. After he'd sufficiently diffused the commotion we'd caused, he led me through the door and into his office where he locked the door behind us.

"Sookie… I need you to explain yourself," he said. He wasn't angry, though, he was conflicted and tortured. I wanted, more than anything, to put him out of his misery and speak, but there was so much I wanted and needed to say that I was having difficulty getting started. I thought of the song and it calmed my thoughts and gave me a starting point.

"Eric, I'm sorry I always doubt you," I said, and looked quickly up into his eyes. He was surprised, which wasn't easy to do, especially since he can tell exactly how I'm feeling, but apparently he wasn't expecting that. He didn't speak, so I continued in order to avoid the silence, "You're always there when I need you…"

"Except when you really needed me," he said, and I felt the anguish in his voice and inside of myself.

I took a step forward and touched his face then, "I don't care." I said it before I realized I meant it. "If you say you did your best to save me, then you did. I believe you. And as much as I'm dying to know the whole story… I don't need to know, because I know you." He looked at me then with such a mixture of emotions that I was at a loss to figure out what he felt. A part of it must have been anger because he turned away from me and I saw the tension ripple through him.

"But you were right. I should have been there, not Bill. You are… were… mine to protect. That's why I let you be. My best was not good enough to protect you," he said, practically growling. He still wasn't looking at me.

"Eric… You told me you did your best. If that's true, then I was saved as soon as possible. I know you did all you could to save me, and I thank you for that. You saved my life," I said, stepping closer until I was behind him.

He turned to face me then and looked down into my eyes. His hand tentatively cupped the side of my face, "And I will forever be thankful that you survived… I am loathe to tell you why I was unable to rescue you myself, but I feel I owe you that much."

I opened my mouth to tell him how he didn't owe me a thing, but he silenced me with his finger. "It was because of our bond," he stated simply. I must have looked really confused because his lip actually turned up in a wry smile, "It was particularly strong, considering how recently we had exchanged blood, which turned out to be both a blessing and a curse." Before he continued, he led us to his couch and we sat down. "I could feel it the second you were taken. I had been feeling your anxiety since I woke… and then suddenly there was nothing. Bill's phone call only confirmed my fear. When he said they'd taken you, I was…" he looked away from me and shook his head to clear it. "I immediately called Niall, as you know, and he appeared to me here. I had lost the feeling of you completely and Niall thought they had taken you out of this world. The time you were gone was… unbearable. There was no course of action to be taken. Nothing I could do but wait as Niall searched Faery for you. I called everyone I could think of, just to keep busy, but it was no help. Bill arrived, but I barely noticed him. Then all of a sudden I could feel you again and I thought I even could track you, though I felt how far away you were. Niall returned and we gathered our weapons to go after you, but I didn't get far before it started." His face looked very grim as he paused, and I didn't dare press him. "Bill was driving so that I could focus on you and give him directions, when suddenly I felt it. The pain they were inflicting on you. I became… wounded just as you were. Quite literally. I have felt pain that is unimaginable, but in so many hundreds of years, I have never felt it as a human. That night I felt the pain as strongly as you did on top of feeling it firsthand. I've never experienced anything so… disorienting. Feeling what they were doing to you made me so ill, I could hardly think straight. We were lucky I was still able to remain sane enough to tell them how to get to you. By the time we reached you, I was not stable enough to enter into a fight with the fairies. We feared I would be a… liability."

Shock radiated through my entire body. Of all the things I'd imagined having happened, this was not one of them. It was unimaginable. This was what he had meant when he'd said I was killing him. He had felt my pain to the point he was nearly incapacitated. "I'm sure you can now understand my hesitation in telling you this," he said quietly. I nodded slowly, in a zombie-like state. "When we arrived at the hospital, you were not the only one who was treated. Dr. Ludwig gave me a drug that suppressed the feelings of the bond temporarily. I was strongly against it, but I knew I needed to be at full strength for you."

I nodded some more, "When you came to me in the hospital… I couldn't feel you through the bond. I thought I was just too exhausted… I thought that was why you hadn't found me sooner, that my being so weak had weakened our bond or something. It makes sense now." He nodded slowly and looked down at his hands. Suddenly, I remembered something else he had said, "When you said you literally became wounded…"

"Yes… I was injured in every way you were. It was one of the reasons I inspected your wounds so thoroughly. You can imagine I was shocked to see every cut I'd had mirrored on you. It was terribly unjust that mine were all but healed by the time you saw me," he said.

"Have you ever heard of something like that happening before?" I asked, eyes wide, barely able to move with all of this earth-shattering information.

"No. And we have been searching for answers ever since, but have come up with nothing so far," he said, frustration evident in his tone.

"Thank you for telling me… I do know now why it was so hard for you," I said and reached out to cover his hands with mine. Eric simply nodded, and I scooted even closer to him on the couch. "But, believe it or not, I didn't come here to have you tell me all that. So I still have something to say." His eyes rose slowly to meet mine then, silently telling me I could go on with it.

"I, Sookie Stackhouse, was wrong," I said with all the strength I could. "This…" I started, waving my hands emphatically as I had the night I'd made him leave, "Whatever it is, is what I want. I've just been so scared of it that I convinced myself otherwise. I want to be with you, because life without you in it isn't much of a life at all." His eyes squinted at me for a moment, and I was worried. For the first time, I realized that he could reject me. I stupidly had forgotten that possibility.

"What are you saying?" he asked finally. He was treading lightly, unwilling to make any assumptions, and I couldn't blame him.

"I want to be yours. I want to be with you exclusively. I don't care what we call it. I just want to spend time with you and do other things with you…" I said, wanting to make it clear that this wouldn't be platonic. Fire flashed behind his eyes for a moment, but he reeled it back in.

"You mean that?" he asked, and his voice was gravelly.

I nodded fiercely, "Yes… You make me happy. You make me feel safe. I enjoy being with you. After everything we've been through, I think I'm finally ready to accept that instead of fighting it."

His hand came up to run through my hair, "Can I tell you how I feel about you now?"

I swallowed hard at both the possibilities of what he would say and the electricity that ran through me at his touch. "Yes," was my answer.

"I love you," he said and I let out a quiet gasp. Truly, I already knew. Niall had told me, there was really no question who he meant, and I had felt it but ignored it up until now. He would never have told me the reason he hadn't been there to rescue me if he didn't. Vampires don't show their weakness to anyone; he must love me, I realized.

My response came out, once again before the fact of it was even known to me, "I love you, too."

As he kissed me then, soft and gentle, letting me actually feel his love, I thought maybe I was as close to love happily ever after as I, crazy telepathic barmaid from Louisiana with a magnet for trouble, would ever get. But it didn't feel one bit like settling, it felt like perfection.

I really hope you liked it! I tried to make a reality that made sense with everything Dead and Gone had set up and ended up with these two love birds together. Oh and reviews make me super happy! ; )