A/N: I was inspired. I had to write a Mary Sue bashing fic. It just leapt. Into my soul. Like dance. Dance is in my soul. Anyway, do enjoy thyself.
Disclaimer: Full Metal Alchemist (Hagane No Renkinjitsu) is copywrite Hiromu Arakawa, Square Enix Co., LTD, Funimation, Aniplex, BONES, and MBS, and is not the respective property of MoonDeity or any of her aliases.
Summary: This is a story of a Mary Sue whose name is too long to fit in this summary. How will she get unfeasibly tangled into Ed and Al's hearts and lives? What measures will we take to get her out? Read to find out, review to make me feel better.
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Outmoded Mary Sue Ficcie of PooChapter I:
It Begins
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This is the story of a Mary Sue.
As all of these Mary-Sue bashing parody fics go, they usually start with declaring that the story is about a Mary Sue, something which normal OC fics do not, thus establishing that this is a parody.
If you will skim back two sentences, you will find this fact already written, so I'm off to a pretty good start.
This said Mary Sue, implanted magically and inexplicably within Amestris, has a ridiculously long name made up of beautiful and exotic parts.
Ready to hear it?
It's Isaura Naeva Csara Avari-Lluvia Chiali Efrosini Zitkalasa Akilina Avalbane.
This long name is a convenience, for she can pick any pretty-sounding name and introduce herself as said person, which makes it very nice to date four or five bishounens at one time and establishes a sense of secrecy to add to her already elevated sense of greatness.
For this Amestrian account of Isaura Naeva Csara Avari-Lluvia Chiali Efrosini Zitkalasa Akilina Avalbane, she has chosen to go by Csara Avalbane, which inexplicably retains to her sob story, considering Csara means "wanderer," despite the fact that she has a large well-furnished apartment thanks to her multiple pay checks from the State Alchemists, as a opera singer, a corporate icon, a mafia gangstress, an authoritive essay writer and bikini model.
Now, to start this story, we shall need to include an incredibly detailed account of her outfit. As a Mary Sue, Csara has an utterly freakish apparel, due to the fact that she is an "individual" and privileged by the gods, which we will now begin to describe in a horribly written paragraph that shatters all good boundaries of literary style.
Csara-chan-sama-sensei wears an skin-teight jump suit over her skin 'cause she has a hawt bawd and thatz fizzlin' lol!1! She has a loin-cloth-type-dress-thingy and its blu and silver and sparklez and swishes leik water at her every shmexy move. She haz size Q cup breasts cause theyre so big they don't have a size, omg LOL!1! Theyre all swished and hanging out and her hair is down 2 the floor and its silver and pink and gold streaks on the end 'cause shes three parts goddess and half wolf, so she has wolf ears 2. But sinz her 2 ed coisin waz a peacock and so she has that peacock tail thingy dragging down to the floor and she has healing powders in it 2. Csara-chan has pretty sapphire eyes but sometimes they have silver flecks and on a special solstace they turn to green and then purple when she's angry and her hair turns red when shes angry 2. She has gloves with fingers on every 1 except her middle finger that's because she has special powers and if she flicks it at them they go BOOM1! LOL, OMG, I LIKE PIE ROFLKMJLSKTOOPOO!1
Sssshhh…if you listen really closely, you can hear Steinbeck and Tolstoy turning in their graves…
Now, in any normal society, this freakish apparel would undoubtedly be rejected, and said person would be kicked, beat over the head with a fossil, thrown in the gutter and yelled at to go back to college and get a real job so you can stop dressing like an cheap slut and make your mom proud and maybe you could come home for Christmas once every five years and maybe get that deer out of the basement?
But no. Csara is privileged, like we already cleared. She gets to wear this outfit, and not be called a whore, and in fact, every man she passes has to turn around and stare at her sexy, perfectly formed butt.
Which causes a lot of superfluous deliberation between whomever she's dating at the time and the spectators. Usually the men that she dates are unnecessarily powerful, thus resulting in deaths, and a baffling decrease in the human population. Finally…
But as we deliberate on the exterior appearance of a Mary Sue (hell, that's pretty much 99.9 percent of their make up), we need to discuss further how SPECIAL Csara is.
She is so special, that her height mystically changes, enabling her to be at kissing height for whichever anime bishounen she might be dating at the time—from Sesshoumaru to little Chrono, from Mustang to Hiei.
And her body is obviously a sheer magnificence that even the most gifted Greek sculptors could not mimic with a mere chisel and slab of MARBLE! No! Artists have tried for centuries (she's immortal like that) to capture her radiance, but no medium is good enough! Men have been driven insane by her intoxicating aura, trying to capture it on canvas, trying to put it into words!
If only they'd discovered the repugnantly written outfit describer paragraph.
Csara's personality is a flawless gem of perfection, enabling all to feel comfortable and attracted to her. She's outgoing yet secretive, angstful yet funny, kind yet badass, strong yet needs the protection of a hot male character, bold yet cutely timid.
Her voice is like the ringing of a thousand bells and sweet throated nightingales, her hands made of the smoothest silk, her lips like rubies and her step not too loud and not too soft and she always knows the right thing to say no matter what the circumstance or how deeply we will her to screw up.
Csara lives in Central, in a sleek penthouse in which she keeps a wolf, a tiger, and a hawk, and manages not to distract the neighbors. The Fullmetal Alchemist, our hero and victim, all his male accomplices, live within the perimeter of Csara's influence.
And here is where our story begins.
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A/N: cracks knuckles Ready for this?