The glass door slid closed behind her and Emma let out a relieved sigh.
"Congratulations." She jumped, startled, whipping around to see a painfully familiar brunette lounging against the balcony. Regina gave her a half smile, but it looked so strained that it hurt to look at it.
"What… what are you…"
"What am I doing here?" She finished for her, raising her eyebrow, "Fair question, I suppose. Seeing how I wasn't invited after all." An awkward silence hung between them.
Emma swallowed nervously, "I'm just surprised that's all. You scared me." Regina chuckled, turning her back on her to face the sprawling view of New York. The night sky was a deep navy blue, spotlit by the neon lights of the city.
"I always had a habit of doing that, didn't I? Making you feel uneasy." Emma's face flushed red.
"Stop it." Regina's shoulders shook as she laughed.
"Stop what, darling? I'm simply reminiscing." There was an edge to her voice, that told both of them she was completely aware of what she was doing, and it sent a shiver down Emma's spine. Time away from her hadn't changed just how much Regina affected her, though she'd hate to admit it.
"Oh, is that why you're here then?" Emma spat, "To relive the past? Because I'm not interested." She watched with hawk eyes as the wind gently swayed Regina's hair. Every movement would catch her eye - this woman was a panther, and it was in her best interest to keep her gaze on her at all times.
"Not at all." Emma could picture her smirk perfectly, a mischievous tilt of those full lips that promised trouble she would never be ready for. "Like I said, I just came to give you my congrats."
"Like you ever gave me anything without it biting me in the ass." Regina whirled around, her jaw clenched.
"You know I did." The two women glared at each other, the sounds of the party inside faint to their ears. Emma saw the spark of anger in Regina's eyes, and a small stab of guilt found its way to her heart. The thrill of making the other woman lose control, however, drowned it out.
Emma looked away first, wrapping her arms around herself, "You shouldn't have come." She heard Regina scoff.
"Now, now. Surely you know me better, Emma? How could I resist a party as wild and entertaining as this? I'm a sucker for free alcohol." She paused, and then said somewhat more quietly, as if she knew she shouldn't be saying it, "Plus, you're here. That's always a bonus."
Emma chose to ignore the last bit, "You shouldn't drink too much." she scolded instead, "Who knows where you might end up one morning? It's dangerous."
Regina came slightly closer towards her, leaning against one of the deckchairs. Her dark eyes sparkled. "Now I know you care that much, I might just make into a habit. Then you can come in and save me like my very own knight in shining armour." She licked her lips and Emma rolled her eyes.
"Oh jesus, not already? No wonder you're saying all this shit." The other woman shook her head, grinning.
"I do believe it's only just started to kick in. Works wonders when it does though." Regina winked, holding up a flask and rattling it. It sounded close to empty and Emma scowled.
"Give me that, you idiot." She walked right up to Regina, making a grab for it but the brunette held it just out of her reach. Emma could smell the vodka on her breath. "Don't be like that, darling. This is the happiest I've felt in ages!"
Emma frowned, "You don't mean that." She tried to snatch it again, but to no avail.
Regina gave her a sad smile, "I've been a wreck. Though I probably would never tell you that if I was in my right mind." She laughed. "In fact, I wouldn't even be here if I was in my right mind."
Emma stopped struggling and patiently held out her hand, "Well, prove to me that you can be and just hand it over. Then I promise we can talk." Regina gazed at her silently, her complicated gaze so steady that Emma thought for a split second that this was all a stupid prank and Regina was completely sober and she'd start laughing at her. But instead, the other woman handed the flask over.
Emma shoved it in her back pocket quickly. Then, out of the corner of her eye, she saw her water bottle resting against the wall from where she'd left it the other day. Grabbing it, she made her way back over to the table sitting opposite Regina on the other deckchair.
"Here, drink this." she advised, and Regina took it without a word, swallowing several gulps.
She put it on the table, and both women resumed an uncomfortable silence.
"So," Emma began, "you've been a wreck?"
Regina looked far less happy now, and that closed-off expression that Emma knew so well was starting to take shape. "Maybe, maybe not." She took more gulps of the water. Emma watched, guessing what she was trying to do: to regain some kind of control in the situation, to try and get herself sober so she wouldn't make herself vulnerable again.
"We haven't spoken. If I'd have known-"
"You would've what? Why should you care about my miserable life when you have all of this?" she gestured to the glass sliding door, when the party from the inside could be seen: disco strobe lights, people dancing.
Emma sighed, "A break from all of this is pleasant sometimes, you know." Regina rolled her eyes, drinking more of the water.
"Like hell. We both know you love it. You've finally got the life you've always wanted." The bitterness in her voice was undeniable.
"For your information, I'd never thought I'd get…" she faltered off.
"Engaged? Is that the word you're looking for?" Emma glared at her.
"Sometimes you just don't when to grow up, do you?"
"Oh, please. You're the one that's trying to force yourself into adult life, despite how obvious it is that you're clearly not ready for it." Regina hissed at her, holding the water bottle tightly.
"Of course I'm ready. Just because you're not used to how much I've changed. How much I've moved on." The last bit was meant to get another reaction out of her but Regina just laughed.
"Who's reminiscing now? Thinking of those fun-filled years, Emma?" The blonde was silent. "How much shit we got ourselves into, but how exhilarating it was? Do you remember that cheap, old apartment we used all our savings on, where we lived and fu-"
"Enough." Emma cut in abruptly, "We were clueless teenagers. We didn't know anything. We were in way over our heads."
"We were in love." Regina said, her voice cool and steady. "All the shit that happened afterwards doesn't change that." Slowly, Emma nodded.
"Yes, I know." Regina almost looked surprised then, like she hadn't expected Emma to agree with her. "But it does change who we now are as people. We're different from those two girls that didn't have a care in the world except each other."
"You might be." Regina said so quietly, that Emma just about heard her. She scowled and took several large more gulps of water. Clearing her throat, Regina smirked, "I'd call you a runaway bride but it's a bit too early for that. Why aren't you attending your own engagement party?"
Emma bit her lip, dropping the other woman's gaze, "It got a bit crowded. I just wanted to get some air." Regina snorted.
"It is a party. Crowds are expected, I least, I think they are." Emma sighed loudly, feeling more annoyed at herself than anything. Of course Regina wouldn't believe her. She knew her too well.
"I guess so. It's just…" She stopped herself. "Nevermind." To her surprise, Regina didn't prolong the topic any further.
"Ok then." There was a rustle and Emma looked up to see the other woman casually lighting a cigarette. The sight brought back memories so painful that Emma barely had the heart to scold her.
"You know I don't like that." she said quietly. Regina watched her, eyes glinting in the near-dark. The brunette's lips stretched into a sly grin around the cigarette, and Emma's eyes were helplessly drawn towards them. She remembered kissing those lips a long time ago, breathing in the toxic air they emitted like it was the only thing keeping her alive. She remembered burying her hands in those deep brown curls, only they'd been much messier. She remembered gazing into those dark eyes until she fell asleep.
She remembered when all of that changed forever.
With a chuckle, Regina took a long, slow drag of it, her eyes never leaving Emma like it was a challenge. She blew smoke lightly in her face, and smirked when the blonde wrinkled her nose. "Oh, shut up. You were just as addicted as me, once upon a time."
"Not really." Emma said with more strength, "I only smoked to impress you."
Regina laughed again, but this time it was with less humour behind it. Her eyes were sharper and Emma knew she'd struck a nerve. "Liar. I could tell you fucking loved it." Red flag. When Regina's swearing started to get worse, it meant she was getting angry. It was a warning but all Emma felt was a twisted sense of pride.
"Only because I loved you." She leaned forward on her elbows, "I changed many things about myself for you, Regina. Too many."
"Oh, and I suppose you're free to be yourself with that drunkard with the missing hand?" The other woman spat.
"His name is Killian." Emma said coolly, "And I don't know why you're even judging. Who's wasted ass came to my house?"
Regina scowled at her. "You're hiding behind him." she snarled, "You've lost what made you brave and strong. Far from the Emma I remember."
Emma slowly stood up, trying to keep her face as composed as possible. "I think it's time for you to leave. Now."
The brunette scoffed, "How predictable." She got up from the chair, taking another drag from her cigarette. The water bottle was left lying on the table. Regina turned to face Emma, eyes bright, "You're putting those walls back up, darling. Say what you want about what we used to have, but you never had to hide."
Emma's expression didn't change. "Goodbye Regina."
"Goodbye Miss Swan." And she walked past Emma, striding back into the house and shutting the door loudly behind her.
Emma sank back into her chair, finally allowing the tears she'd been holding in to rush down down her face. Goodbye Miss Swan.
Those were the last few words Regina had said to her as well, all those years ago. When Emma had had enough, and had walked out on what they had. Too many lies, too much deceit.
Too much to handle.
With a steady breath, Emma picked up the water bottle and headed back inside. She stared at her bare ring finger. Regina hadn't brought it up, but then again, the explanation was fairly obvious. Emma wasn't ready, at all. You don't have to buy me a ring, Killian. I can wait until the wedding, ok?
And no matter how many times she lied to herself, her Regina would see through all of it.
Especially through the cheesy smile she plastered on her face as she joined her own engagement party.
This is what I end up writing when my depression starts giving me extra punches. I promise it was supposed to end up happy but... I got too involved I guess aha
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