Hello!
I've been a fan of fanfiction pretty much since I was 12 (and I'm 21 now so holy crap). I took a long break considering I had to you know, grow up, finish school, work and all that fun jazz.
In many ways, I missed fanfiction because it distracted me from the cruelties that life kept throwing at me when I was younger, especially when you're a preteen and still finding yourself.
So…Here is the beginning of my comeback! Enjoy
Speak Now
Dawn could not believe her eyes.
"Did you see this?" Her best friend May, entered her office and waved to her this week's SinnohNow, a gossip magazine that depicted the personal lives of idols around the Sinnoh region.
The front page of the magazine, in bright big letters had stated, Paul Shinji and Ursula Urara Announce Their Engagement!
Dawn Hikari, a recently retired Pokémon Coordinator who had claimed Grand Festival titles in both Hoenn and Sinnoh, had decided to settle down in Hearthome City and begin her PokéStylist career. Her best friend May Hakura, had decided to visit Dawn for a couple of weeks during her off season from coordinating.
"Dawn…." May noticed the expression on her friend's face and started to hug her. "Did you have feelings for Paul? Is that why your taking this so hard?"
Dawn, with her head still down had sighed. "I don't know, maybe I did a but it's too late for that now." The young girl slouched in her chair, "He made his decision."
Following the headlines, May had wished Dawn good luck and she returned to her training for the upcoming Grand Festival in Unova. Although Dawn understood that May had to continue her training, she couldn't help but feel lonely and confused about Paul's engagement.
"Why does this keep bothering me?" It got to the point were Dawn was starting to get annoyed about how much she cared about someone who had probably not thought about her in years. "Let it go Dawn. Just let it go, he's happy so it's your time to be happy."
5 Years Ago…
"I can't believe our time with Ash and Broke is ending soon." Dawn was walking with Piplup, it was the night before she would take the ferry to Hoenn to hopefully start a new coordinating career.
"We are going to do great! Right Piplup?" Dawn cheered, pumping her fist.
"Pip!"
There was then a sound in the bushes, "Huh? Who's there?" Dawn turned around and noticed a young man wearing gray pants and a purple jacket, it was Paul.
He smirked. "What are you doing here? It's late."
Dawn lifted her starter Pokémon in her arms, "I should be asking you the same."
The trainer shrugged. "I was training with Torterra"
"Isn't it too late to be training?" Dawn pointed out, "You could get hurt out here."
"Why do you care so much?" Paul snapped. "You should be more concerned, I don't think your boyfriend would appreciate you wandering here by yourself in the middle of the night."
"Boyfriend? I don't have a boyfriend. Who are you talking about?" Dawn had a confused look on her face.
"I assumed you and Ash are together?" Paul questioned, both Dawn and Piplup let out a giggle.
"That's rich…haha…No he's not my boyfriend. I'm pretty sure he likes a girl back in Kanto… I couldn't sleep so Piplup and I decided to take a small walk." Dawn explained, Paul raised an eyebrow.
"Are you still traveling with him?" Paul asked, Dawn shook her head.
"I am going to Hoenn first thing tomorrow with my Pokémon…Why do you care?"
"I don't"
"Alrighty then. Piplup and I should get going. I wish you the best with your travels!" Dawn walked over and gave Paul a small hug. Paul just stood there, motionless.
"Oh please tell me this isn't you first girl hug" The young coordinator had teased. Paul had pushed her of him. "I guess it was" Dawn smiled.
"You're annoying." Paul scowled, "I hope your contest junk goes well at least." Paul was about to leave when Dawn raised a question.
"Hey Paul?"
"What now?"
"Do you think we'll ever see each other again?" Paul was a bit surprised with the question but smirked.
"When one life meets another life, something will be born." He answered and walked away, Dawn was left their, confused and blushing a bit.
Dawn had gotten on that ferry to Hoenn that next day, thinking about what Paul had meant when she asked if they would ever see each other. Was there something between them that would bring them together? She had no idea
Over the years, while Dawn's coordinating career had started to thrive, her love life not went the opposite direction. Although her mother had pushed her into dating her childhood friend Kenny, she saw him as just a friend and nothing more, even though it broke his heart, she couldn't bring herself to be romantically involved with him. It was the same feeling with Barry as well.
One Afternoon…
After a long day of running her store, Dawn returned to her apartment exhausted and laid on the couch. As she was about to fall asleep her phone went off.
"Hello?" Dawn answered.
A cheerily voice responded. "Dawn! Hi! What's up?"
"Maylene?" Dawn stood up in her seat surprised. "It's been so long! How are you and Reggie doing?"
"Just fine! The gym has been busy, and Reggie has been swamped with his daycare! I was wondering if you would like to come to Veilstone for a visit? I know it's been a long time." The invitation perked Dawn up a bit.
"I would love to! Is this weekend okay? I was going to close the store for the holiday." Dawn asked.
"That be great! Oh geez..It looks like I have a trainer here…Catch ya later Dawn!" Maylene ended the phone call.
"Hopefully it'll be a nice change considering what's been going on." Dawn thought, she gathered herself together and started to pack her backpack.
That Friday…
As Dawn closed her store that Friday afternoon she had taken the SinnohTransit to Veilstone from Hearthome, after the hour commute she had walked the 2 blocks from the station to the house that both Reggie and Maylene shared.
"I'm so glad they got together," Dawn thought with a smile. "They complete each other like a couple should."
"Munchlax! Hey stop eating all the food! That's not all yours!" As Dawn was lost in her thoughts, she noticed a young man with a dark purple ponytail and apron wrestling a Munchlax for trays of food.
Once Reggie succeeded with yanking the trays from Munchlaw, he found himself being lifted by a Bulbasaur.
"Will you guys knock it off? Put me down Bulbasaur!" Dawn started to laugh, Reggie noticed the young girl and put his head down in shame. "Oh hey Dawn…." Bulbasaur placed Reggie on the ground.
Dawn couldn't help but let out another laugh, "It's been awhile Reggie!"
Reggie, still embarrassed, let out a sigh. "Yeah I know…Why don't we head over the gym and surprise Maylene? She's dying to see you."
"Yes please!" As they walked down the street to Maylene's gym, they both notice flying aura spears leaving the yard from the gym.
"Looks like someone's not having a good day either…" Reggie pointed out, as they noticed Lucario and Maylene sparring.
"Okay Lucario we are stopping for the day…" Another aura spear thrown. "Hey I said stop!" Lucario smirked and sat down.
"Huh? Oh my god Dawn!" Maylene rushed over and gave Dawn a huge hug. "I'm so happy to see you!" Dawn smiled, but started to wheeze. "Me too…Can't breathe…" Maylene giggled.
"Why don't we head over to the house?" Reggie suggested. "I have lunch ready."
At the house…
The trio had sat and ate lunch, discussing Dawn's recently accomplishments with coordinating and retiring and opening her store. Maylene had mentioned that her and Reggie had decided to move in together and that the gym was being renovated. Reggie had brought up opening his own Pokémon Daycare and Breeding buisness that was very busy now with the influx of new trainers coming into Veilstone. Overall, the couple seemed happy.
"Dawn." Maylene started. "Reggie and I wanted to ask you something."
"What's up?" She answered.
Reggie put his head down. "Did you now of my little brother's engagement?"
"I mean." Dawn started. "I read about it in a magazine…Why?"
Both Maylene and Reggie sighed, their faces expressing concerns. "Paul has not told me that he was marrying Ursula…or that he was even seeing her. I'm concerned."
"Really? Why? I thought you two got along very well." Dawn started to become more intrigued.
"Me too. That's why it hurts that he didn't tell me about him being engaged…Or not even talking to me anything at all." Reggie confessed.
"I mean did he even invite you guys?" Dawn asked the couple, Reggie fling a card, it was an invitation to the wedding of Mr. and Mrs. Paul Shinji, to be taken place at the Hearthome Cathedral next month.
Maylene attempted to comfort Reggie. "Paul hasn't spoken to Reggie in a year, he just packed up and left and didn't say anything. We don't know why." Dawn had no words, she was shocked.
"I was hoping if you knew anything. Considering he spoke about you." Reggie questioned, Dawn's whole face turned pink.
"What do you mean? We barley spoke…Even when I traveled with Ash and Broke years ago." Reggie laughed a bit.
"I mean he also referenced a "troublesome girl" and her "foolish contests" and when I asked who he was talking about he said, "Ash's sidekick" Dawn sighed, after all these years he had acknowledge her presence.
"I don't know what's going on with him…" Reggie started, a stressed look on his face. "I'm afraid he's throwing away his life for someone who he might not even like."
Dawn put her head down, maybe there was more to this story that she was not even getting at.
Back At Hearthome
While the weekend she spent with Maylene and Reggie was relaxing and enjoyable, she was still curious about the situation with Paul
"I mean good for him if he wants to marry Ursula, but I hope he actually wants to go through with it…" The young stylist thought as she opened her shop, dusting the displays and bringing out new spring collections for both Pokémon and trainers. The money that she received from winning her Grand Festival in Sinnoh had allowed her to start up a buisness with Paris. She then heard the door ring.
"Huh? Oh welcome!" Dawn's face which appeared cheerful had suddenly dropped.
"Why yes hello…" An older woman replied, her pink hair was tied up in a tight bun, she wore a very suffocated black skirt and white blouse, along with an expensive necklace hugging her neck.
The older woman coughed. "I am here with my daughter Ursula to purchase a wedding dress."
If there was a perfect time for Dawn to bury herself alive, it had to be now.
"Well well well, who knew Dee-Dee had to played dress-up!" Ursula giggled, wearing her signature blue dress and white sweater, her thick hair was still held up by purple bows.
"Ursula manners." Her mother scowled. "I understand that you have a wedding collection, Paris sent me high recommendations." Dawn nodded.
"That's correct." Dawn led them to the bridal section of her store. "If you need it to be fitted I can do it on the spot for you."
"Very good. Come Ursula." The older woman took Ursula by the arm and into the racks with the wedding dresses. "Now, Paris informed me that you have high expertise. What do you recommend?"
"Well..." Dawn started. "Is there anything that you have in mind Ursula?"
Ursula smirked. "Poor Dawn, I thought you noticed that I live to be the center of attention."
Dawn still contemplated burying herself.
"Okay then. Not a problem. Why don't you two go into the dressing room and I'll pull stuff out?" The two agreed and Dawn couldn't help but bang her head against the wall.
"Out of all the shops in Sinnoh…" She looked through racks and started to pick out dresses out. "Hopefully I don't make her look like a Jynx for her wedding…Even though she has no problem doing that to herself…"
Dawn pulled out several mermaid dresses with a great deal of sparkles, a very suffocated looking trumpet gown and even a tea-length with pretty beads and lacey sleeves.
"Alright, I pulled out some dresses that I think would suit you Ursula. Try them and let me know how you feel about them and we'll go from there."
The word disastrous couldn't even be used to describe the experience that she had with Ursula.
Ursula had complained about not being able to breath in her mermaid gowns, even though her mother had scowled at her and told her to "suck it in" it surely did not help the situation. Additionally, the trumpet dress had made Ursula look like an oversize napkin and while the tea-length was fit for a princess, Ursula looked like she was ready to go party at an 8th grade dance.
As Ursula had throw the gowns at Dawn, the young stylist had her back against the wall. "If I don't pull something out now, Ursula will ruin me…"
Suddenly, right before Dawn's eyes was a very elegant ballgown from the Paris Bridal collection, it was one of Dawn's very first projects when she decided to pair up with Paris.
"Let's see if this princess gown is made for the Queen of Hell." Dawn pulled out the dress for Ursula and left the dressing room, she suddenly heard ear piercing screams that almost made her fall.
"This is it! This is it! I must have it!" Ursula came out of the dressing room shrieking, modeling the dress to Dawn. "It's beautiful! I feel like a princess in this!"
"I do say it is very charming" her mother commented, analyzing every angle of the dress. Dawn had taken incentive and provided a tiara and veil to Ursula.
"If you really want it. Then I can have it fitted today. Whatever you wish." Dawn said, praying to the Gods of Sinnoh that she would never have to see these people again.
"No need." Her mother waved off. "The wedding is next Friday. I would just appreciate it if you just steamed it the day before and we'll pick it up and pay for it early Friday morning."
"Not a problem. Congrats to you Ursula, I wish you and Paul a lot of happiness." Ursula smirked.
Her mother pulled her daughter by the arm, rushing her to the exit. "Good day ."
As the two left, Paris entered the shop with a cheerful smile. "Hey Dawn! Oh…are you okay?"
"I need a drink."
Dawn's Apartment
Dawn never felt more miserable in her life.
While the news of Paul's engagement had bummed her out, the fact that she played a role in helping with Ursula's wedding had certainly depressed her.
"What does he see in her…" Dawn hugged her knees, restraining the tears. "She's such a snob…"
"Pip?" The starter had noticed the mood of his trainer and tried to comfort her.
"I don't know Piplup…" Dawn admitted. "Maybe I did have feelings for Paul, he was always different then a lot of guys I dated."
"Piplup?" The penguin Pokémon looked confused.
"I don't know…" Dawn started. "He always had an aura that was so mysterious, I just wished I could have gotten to know him better… Or at least told him that the night before we left for Hoenn…" She sighed as Piplup snuggled next to her.
Deciding to turn on the T.V, Dawn turned on the news with a young bouncy reporter.
"In today's news! We are excited to announce the wedding of Ursula Urara and Paul Shinji will take place tomorrow! I am here with the Sinnoh League Champion Paul Shinji right now! Can you tell us about how you're feeling about your special day?" Before Dawn could throw the remote at the T.V. she noticed something strange about Paul's face.
"Hnn." He scowled, his face had shown anger and stress. Paul then turned his back and walked away.
There was definitely more to the story that Dawn had originally picked up herself.
"Avoiding Reggie, not speaking to anyone and that reaction can't be him." The young girl said to herself, "I have to figure something out before it's too late."
Dawn's Store
Placing the wedding dress in a garment bag, Dawn had anticipated the Bridezilla and her mother to storm in at any moment now. She sighed looking at the dress.
"I just wish I can tell him how much I…" Dawn spoke softly to herself, before she heard the front door flew open.
"I'm here for my dress!" Ursula loudly proclaimed. Her mother clipped her head. "Where are your manners? Did those classes I paid for not help? My God."
Dawn handed Ursula the garment bag with a fake smile. "The dress is steamed and ready to go! I hope your day is very special."
Ursula smirked, "Oh it definitely will be!"
Ursula's mother rolled her eyes. "Ms. Hikari, do you happen to have the tiara and veil? I assumed Ursula would come pick it up herself…." Her mother once again shot her daughter a glare.
"Oh yes! I held it, please give me a second." Dawn made her way into the back closet.
The young stylist managed to hear the babbling of Ursula as she retrieved the items. "I can't believe I am going to marry one of Sinnoh's best trainers!" She squealed.
Her mother made a comment, "It's nice to know your grandparents lend his parents money before they died. Such losers, we definitely got way more then what we bargained for." The young stylist felt the wind knocked out of her.
Dawn fell to her knees, it all made sense. If Paul's parents owed Ursula's family money, what a better way to request payment by having their daughter marry one of the most powerful men in Sinnoh? Especially if Paul wanted to protect Reggie and Maylene from losing everything.
"I got to do something…" Lost in thought, Dawn felt startled when she heard Ursula's voice.
"Hello! What's going on back there? I have a wedding to get ready for!" Dawn recollected herself and picked up the veil and tiara.
"My apologizes, I was just making sure they were in perfect condition." Her mother nodded and handed her the money. Both mother and daughter took their leave.
"I know what I got to. "Dawn said, her heart about to jump out of her chest. "Hopefully it's the right decision."
Hearthome's Catheral
I am not the kind of girlWho should be rudely bargin' in on a white veil occasionBut you are not the kind of boyWho should be marryin' the wrong girl
The wedding of Paul Shinji and Ursula Urara was about to take place soon, the Cathedral itself was white and gold and contained magnificent glass stained windows of the Gods of Sinnoh. The venue itself was decorated lavishly, with white roses decorating the aisles of the Cathedral.
While the both the groom and bride were getting ready, Drew, who happened to be Paul's best friend and best man had raised an eyebrow at Paul.
"You don't seem so happy." Drew remarked.
"Hm."
"We really need to work on your vocabulary." Drew rolled his eyes. "Look no one is forcing you to marry Ursula, if you're trying to prove something then it's gone too far."
Paul glared at him. "I would appreciate the lack of commentary on my personal life."
Drew shrugged. "And I would appreciate you manning up and telling me what's going on Paul. You haven't spoken to our friends in months, dissed your bro and left Dawn out in the open."
"Dawn?" Hearing that name left Paul a bit flustered, his face turning red, but Paul quickly brushed it off.
Paul faced Drew. "I am happy with my life as it is now. Leave it alone Drew."
I sneak in and see your friends
And her snotty little family, all dressed in pastel
And she is yelling at a bridesmaid
Somewhere back inside a room
Wearing a gown shaped like a pastry
This is surely not what you thought it would be
I lose myself in a daydream
Where I stand and say
Dawn had managed to sneak into the Cathedral, wearing a navy-blue choker dress with black heels. Afraid of getting caught without an invite, Dawn hide behind a curtain and glanced at the event. On the left side of the Cathedral contained individuals dressed in expensive suits and dresses, some of the women were fanning themselves while the men look like they were speaking of buisness. She turned the other way to see Reggie and Maylene, along with some gym leaders, Elite Four members and Cynthia.
"Are you a moron? How dare you make a mess of MY wedding!" Dawn could hear the shrieks of Ursula and the whimpering of a bridesmaid, obviously this day couldn't have gotten any worst.
What was she possibly going to say?
"Don't say yes, run away now
I'll meet you when you're out
Of the church at the back door
Don't wait or say a single vow
You need to hear me out"
And they said, "speak now"
In the back of her mind, Dawn just pictured Paul refusing to marry Ursula and sneaking of with her instead, as radical as that seem, no one seemed happy about this commitment.
"Please listen to me Paul." Dawn silently prayed, hoping that he shared her feelings if Dawn was to speak up.
Fond gestures are exchanged
And the organ starts to play
A song that sounds like a death march
And I am hiding in the curtains
It seems I was uninvited by your lovely bride-to-be
She floats down the aisle like a pageant queen
But I know you wish it was me
You wish it was me, don't you?
The moment of death had finally arrived.
Still hiding behind the curtains of the Cathedral, Dawn watched as Ursula flaunted her way to the alter to meet Paul, his face just showed pure indifference.
Dawn couldn't get over on how cute Paul was, he wore a black suit with a dark purple tie and his hair had grew since the last time they saw each.
The young girl let out a small giggle. "Bet you wish it was me Paul…"
Don't say yes, run away now
I'll meet you when you're out
Of the church at the back door
Don't wait or say a single vow
You need to hear me out
And they said, "speak now"
The wedding ceremony had started, the Preacher had started reciting lines while Ursula and Paul locked arms.
"Paul I know you're stronger then this…Just leave the alter…Walk away…Ursula isn't worth your time or your life…Just walk away…" Dawn started to cringe onto the curtain, tears escaping her blue eyes.
Don't say yes, run away now
I'll meet you when you're out
Of the church at the back door
Don't wait or say a single vow
Your time is running out
And they said, "speak now"
A rush of anxiety had taken over Dawn and she felt the Preacher get closer to the vows, was this really a good idea? Was it really right to stop a whole wedding just because of her own feelings?
"This is more then that." Dawn thought. She felt confident and took a huge breath. "When they say it, I'll tell him."
I hear the preacher say
"Speak now or forever hold your peace"
There's a silence, there's my last chance
I stand up with shaking hands
All eyes on me
Horrified looks from everyone in the room
But I'm only lookin' at you
"Now," The Preacher spoke, "If any person can show just cause why they may not be joined together, let them speak now or forever hold their peace."
Dawn, finally with an urge of adrenaline, walked out of the curtain. "Wait Paul!"
The young woman suddenly felt all eyes on her hair, her body was shaking but she looked directly at Paul, "You know this is wrong Paul!"
Ursula, with a face as red as a tomato had yelled at the top of her lungs. "Are you kidding me? I have a right to sue you! How dare you get in the way of my wedding!"
Dawn had ignored Ursula's threats and continued to look straight into Paul's coal black eyes, "Paul I know the real reason you're marrying Ursula."
"Yeah fill me in Dawn! That be great!" Reggie gave her a thumb up.
"Enough!" Ursula said. "If you don't leave I will get security to escort you out! Leave!"
"If you are willing to ruin your entire reputation then I suggest you leave!" Ursula's mother shouted.
Dawn, shaking her head, had turned her head towards Ursula. "I'm actually surprised at you Ursula, I figured your mother taught you to not bribe others to marry your sorry ass."
Everyone gasped.
I am not the kind of girl
Who should be rudely bargin' in on a white veil occasion
But you are not the kind of boy,
Who should be marryin' the wrong girl
"Paul, I love you." Dawn calmly stated. "I couldn't watch you actually go through with this without me saying how I felt."
Paul looked back at her, "Troublesome…I can't believe you would do all this…I don't know what to say…"
Ursula got in the middle, "You are going to say your vows!" Ursula got in Dawn's face. "And you're leaving!"
"Oh really?" Paul raised his eyebrow. "Are you also going to say how you forced me into moving out of my brother's house, separating myself from my friends and making me show up to this place just because of money your family gave my parents?"
"Burn!" Reggie cheered. Maylene elbowed him. "Whoops sorry."
Paul faced Ursula. "Let's get something straight. I don't love you, I rather be set on fire and eaten alive then commit myself to you."
With a swift moment, Paul walked over to Dawn, grabbed her shoulders, and planted his lips on hers, Dawn's face flushed but returned the kiss.
"You really are a troublesome girl… I guess that is what I always liked about you." Dawn grinned.
So don't say yes, run away now
I'll meet you when you're out
Of the church at the back door
Don't wait or say a single vow
You need to hear me out
And they said, "speak now"
Ursula, in a fit of rage, threw her engagement ring at Paul. "Forget it! You and your whole family are so pathetic!"
"At least I can exchange this…" Paul smirked. Dawn started to laugh.
"Anyway," Paul continued. "I don't know about you but I'm about of here." He took Dawn's arm.
"Shall we?" Dawn nodded.
"Please…They look like they're going to grab their pitchforks…"
And you say, "let's run away now"I'll meet you when I'm out of my tux at the back doorOh baby, I didn't say my vowSo glad you were around when they said, "speak now"
As both Dawn and Paul got into Paul's car, Paul found himself with his head in his arms. "This nightmare is finally over."
Dawn gave a small smile. "I have something to ask you."
"Which is?" Paul looked over at her.
Dawn sighed. "What did you mean when you said, "When one life meets another life, something will be born?" Paul, for the first time in months chuckled to himself.
"You really were clueless back then were you?"
"Hey!"
Paul shook his head. "It took me awhile to realize this but…It all started that night you spoke to me after I was done talking to Reggie. For once I felt like I wasn't judged based on how I handled on my Pokémon or people, you spoke to me as if I had feelings and I mattered to someone."
"I missed you…" Dawn admitted. "I always thought about how I should have let you know how I felt that night we spoke."
Paul smirked. "I guess I am pretty irresistible." Dawn clipped his head. "Alright, enough abuse. I missed you too." The young girl pecked his cheek.
Dawn found herself laying on Paul's shoulder. "I'm glad I decided to speak during your corny ceremony."
"Please corny isn't a good word for it." Paul started to play around with her hair. Dawn stood up.
"We should head over to Reggie's, you owe him some answers."
"Do I really have to?"
"I mean" Dawn said. "It's either that or you go get hitched with little miss premadonna over there."
Paul immediately started the car.
2 Years Later…
"Dawn you look absolutely stunning!" Maylene chirped. "I love this dress that you designed!" The dress itself was a simple ball gown with lace sleeves. Her other bridesmaids, May and Misty, worked to smooth out her dress and provide final touches to the bride.
"Hey guys it's time." Zoey informed them, Dawn took a deep breath.
"Nervous?" Maylene teased her.
"I mean, after everything, I shouldn't be right?" The young bride joked, Maylene hugged her and started to cry. "Thank you for what you did Dawn, you still don't understand how much it meant for Reggie to have his little brother back." Dawn returned the hugged and was taken to the front of the church.
"Ready?" Reggie grinned, considering Dawn did not have a father to walk her down the aisle, Reggie had no problem filling in that role.
Dawn had just remembered seeing Paul's light smile as she walked down the aisle with Reggie, the tearful vows they exchanged to each other and how Paul had grabbed her shoulders and kissed her before the Preacher had said "You can now kiss the bride."
End
OH MY GODDDD O.O
I cannot believe I just did that. Looking back, I really should have made this into more chapters but YOLO right? Does anyone even say that anymore?
I really didn't mean to make this sappy, in my next fic maybe I'll add some spunk, I don't know. We'll see what life has in store.
Writing this fic has really gotten me to love writing fanfiction again, thanks to everyone who decided to read through this crap :"D