Finally Seeing It
"A little over to the right. No, your right- not mine. Yeah, good. No, right there. Okay now don't move," I rubbed my hands together. Even in my gloves they no longer felt like fingers, but elongated ice cubes.
I smirked as Charlie mumbled incoherently to himself something about a sack of coal. He turned to look over his shoulder at me from the top of the ladder.
"This meet your standards?" he asked, still fixing one of the plastic clips hanging off the gutter.
"Yeah, it looks great Dad. Now we just need to pull out those little lightup reindeer from the attic somewhere. Hmm..." I tried to remember if I had any idea where they might be. I wasn't exactly around for the Christmas festivities last year- or I was, but no one was really home in my head. I shook the almost-betraying thoughts and gave him a thumbs-up as he stepped down.
He peeked his head inside to flip on the switch and our brand new Christmas lights sprang to life. Except for the three-foot section right overtop the front window- those for some reason wanted to die by Charlie's twitching hands. I couldn't help but chuckle a little when he walked outside to stand next to me and his eyes bulged out of his head, taking in the 'dead' section of lights.
"It's okay Dad, remember I insisted on getting the light-tester? We'll figure it out. Besides, we've been out here for a few hours anyway. Let's go inside. I'll even make some hot chocolate- my treat for you hours of slaving away with the ladder," I smiled, grabbing his arm to pull him inside.
"Oh and uh, Dad? Maybe next year we can do the whole holiday decorating thing...I dunno. Maybe a few weeks before Christmas instead of the day before?" He shook his head some more, pulling his coat off.
I grabbed the mugs out of the cabinet, still smiling to myself. All I could think about now was how I just couldn't believe the way one year could make such a difference.
I was almost able to breathe freely again. I mean, sure, I had those psychotic break-downs every now and then...the ones where I had to pull myself together and breathe through the ache that comes from the huge hole-shaped scar in my chest. But it became easier and easier for me to handle them. And I like to think that this came from something within me. No one else brought on my epiphany- just me. And, well...maybe Angela.
We'd been spending a couple of days together each week during that summer- attempting to sun-bathe on the unreasonably warm days. Listening to (some) of the songs of the summer. Swapping books that had nothing to do with romance and everything to do with culinary mysteries. And yeah, I was a little sad to see her go when the time came for her to pack up her things.
So when the last day started to fly by, I was trying to hold back the feeling of slight despair. It was true- I was getting closer to Emily practically every day, but Angela was my friend from the very beginning of life here in Forks. Even though I never seeked her out through the days with the Cullens...she was still there when my mind decided to wake back up and re-inhabit my body.
Angela and I were walking around in Port Angeles one day in August, trying to find something to do on her last day before shipping off to a university in Massachussetts.
The coffee shop we went into was an absolute picture of silence. Everyone sat in their own little corners with cups of steaming hot liquid, either buried in a book, a newspaper, or their laptop. We both giggled as we went and ordered our drinks at the counter.
As we sat down, I couldn't help but immediately recognize the song that Angela started humming to herself. Because of the scene in the shop, the way everyone was hunched over...and the way Angela was moving all the way across the country...I busted out laughing as hard as I ever had before. She looked up from her drink half-scared to death and taking in the way everyone else was startled too, I laughed even louder.
It was so uncharacteristic of me to make any noise that would draw attention to myself, or show me off as inconsiderate or rude but at that point in time...it just clicked together in my head. I calmed down my hysterics and grinned at Angela. Then in weakly-thought out moment...I began softly singing the words that she was humming.
"In my own little corner, in my own little chair...I can be whatever I want to be.
On the wing of my fancy, I can fly anywhere...and the world will open it's arms to me."
We both laughed at this poor excuse for carrying a tune and in that instant- I just got it.
Here I was, not going to college because the flurry of the pack catching and killing Victoria...because of my depression over a love lost...because my self-hatred over constantly breaking Jacob's heart...it had left me all out of time to apply for school. Even with the money I made by working at the Newton's store...it was all for nothing. I would have to wait a whole year to get into a university of my choice. Or the local community college in January.
But...why? Wasn't I always the responsible one? Wasn't it me who always made sure to have the table set and dinner ready and to make sure that Mom didn't leave her contacts in overnight, or that she remembered Phil's game schedule was on the refrigerator door? Every time she asked?
Wasn't I the Queen of Scrambled Eggs and all things breakfast-related? Wasn't I the one who made sure all our bills were paid and that Charlie had a place to put his gun belt that wouldn't possibly cause it to go off?
Didn't I just spend a whole summer working to set aside money for school?
So what the hell was I doing now? I'll tell you what I was doing.
I was being a damn baby about everything. A selfish baby, at that.
Everything was always concerning me and try as I might, no self-less act I conveyed took away from this fact that in my mind, the world seemed to rotate around me.
Yeah, Edward left me. But for whatever reason, he gave me a whole six months to be ridiculously in love with him. I was shattered when he left...and I still haven't been able to find all the missing shards of me...true.
But shouldn't I leave well enough alone and move on? I didn't have to be a child about this anymore. I'm getting ready to turn nineteen and for once in the past year, that doesn't scare the hell out of me.
So I decided then and there, in the midst of the laughing and the singing way off-key that I would live it. I would free myself from the constraints of The Hole and all things vampire/Cullen related. I would be myself...my old self. The self that I let Jake see. And Jake...well, I'd still have to work on that.
I picked up the envelope my dad had thrown my way and eyed it hopefully. I figured I'd get in, but the letter sitting in front of me still made it all the more official. In January, I'd be starting college at Peninsula College, in Port Angeles. Far enough away to stretch out my legs, but close enough home that I'd be around friends and my Dad whenever I wanted. And plus all the money I had went towards tuition and there was no money left for an actual apartment. So I was kicking it with Charlie until I could get a full time job or my Associates Degree...whichever came first.
"Congratulation, baby. I know you were worried about getting in, with your straight A's and all," Charlie grinned, clinking mugs with me.
"You know I worry about anything and everything, Dad. But thanks."
"Oh, I forgot to mention this to you this morning- hope you don't mind. But I invited Billy and Jacob over for dinner tonight. Jake says they've been eating fish for a week straight down there. I didn't want them to miss out on a tasty Christmas Eve dinner courtesy of yours truly," he said, pointing to himself. I raised an eyebrow.
"You're going to be cooking the ham and all that, huh? Good thing we installed that new fire extinguisher by the door," I nodded to the opening of the kitchen. He made his 'I'm not amused' face and shook his head.
"No, you will be cooking the ham and all that, as you planned. I will be showing them the courtesy of providing them with a roof under which they can eat. And maybe some heat, if they're lucky," he answered, winking at me. It seemed that even Charlie had fallen under the spell of the happy season...
Once the ham was done and I sat it out to let the juices sit, I ran upstairs to start getting ready.
Now comes the fun part, I thought to myself cringing at the small selection of dressy clothes I had to choose from. Red and green just weren't a big part of my wardrobe. Nothing against the colors, but I was more into blues and purples myself.
After almost ten minutes of searching, I was able to pull out a pair of black stocking from who knows how long ago, a black skirt and a fitted red, scoop-neck sweater that I had never worn before. I grabbed pair of black ballet flats and threw my hair half up. I frowned as I looked in my mirror.
Did I need anything else? Any makeup or anything? I reached over to my dresser where my mascara was and applied it quickly to my eyelashes. Much better, I thought.
Looking at my alarm clock, I threw on some clear lip gloss just for good measure and nearly tripped as I ran through my doorway. They'd be here any minute and I hadn't even set the damn table yet.
I practically hopped the last two steps of our stairs but skidded to a halt to find a tall figure obstructing my pathway to the dining room.
There, setting the table, was Jacob. My heart picked up it's pace as I took in the sight.
He was dressed in dark-wash jeans that judging by the way they were still pants and not cut into shorts or shredded somewhere, were brand new. I smiled as I noticed that he was wearing a dark green velvety looking button-up shirt that fit nicely over his shoulders and back. I wondered lightly to myself if he had to shop at the big & tall store for these new clothes. His hair was trimmed back again, short like it was when I first found out the situation with him being a werewolf and all. But this time, it looked like he tried to keep it a little longer...and was that hair actually combed through? I thought in amazement. He tried the looking nice thing too, it seemed.
It took me a few seconds to float back to reality and realize that my guest was setting the table and I blushed and this big no-no.
"Sorry, Jake. I was trying to hurry up. Go ahead and sit down. I'll get the rest," I stepped over to him and took the plates he had in his massive hands. He snorted and grabbed the last two from me.
"I got this," he replied, rolling his eyes mockingly and laying the plates down in their spots.
"No," I replied through gritted teeth, "I got this. You're my guest so go sit down, Jake."
"Um no, Bella. We're family, so I'm helping. Get over it, honey," he laughed at my ferocity. I pouted.
"Fine! But stay the hell away from the food. No one eats until we are all sitting down and ready."
"I wouldn't dream of getting in your way, Bella! You might gasp, throw a fit!" he retorted, setting the silverware at each plate.
In the kitchen, both Charlie and Billy were both 'testing' the ham.
"Guys! Hey! Yeah you two with the pork product in your hands, how about we don't and said we did? Please remove yourselves from the kitchen and let me handle this," I whined, shooing the chuckling men out.
"Sure you don't need any help?" I heard his amused voice right behind me, so close he could exhale and I would feel it on the back of my neck. I shivered at the close proximity.
I nodded, somehow managing a "Yes".
"Bella! Is everything ready or what?" Charlie boomed from the dining room. I glanced at then ten different plates and baskets full of food ready to be put out on the table by two clumsy hands. I huffed, genuinely annoyed at the fact that I didn't have ten hands to put to use.
Jacob was already in line with my thoughts as he whisked away the basket of rolls and three other plates full of food. A smile tugged at the corner of my mouth as I watched him strut into the other room gracefully as possible. Always trying to one-up me.
I gathered that dinner was a success, the way both Charlie and Billy mentioned something about having to undo the top button of their pants. Me and Jake both laughed because nothing is more awkward than sitting in the room while you hear something like that come out of not only your father's mouth, but your best friend's father's mouth. It felt great to laugh at something so mundane.
After Charlie demanded me to go sit and hang out with Jacob while he washed the dishes, I was pulled away into the living room and onto the couch.
Sometimes when I look at Jake, I see me smiling back at myself in his eyes. Is this how I look to him? Whole and complete...warm and laughing all the time? There are lots of times that I wonder to myself what I must've looked like our first few months hanging out. I've even asked him what he saw in me that he deemed worth saving. His reply was a short and sweet one, as usual. "I saw you still in there somewhere." It took me a while to fully understand what he meant by that, but once I did, I couldn't silently thank him enough.
Things with him and I...I wasn't sure where we stood.
After the whole cliff-diving effort of mine in my darker days, he stood right there and helped me on the mend. I cried when he was almost killed by Victoria that fateful day Sam took her out once and for all. I cried and cried and cried because he almost didn't make it. They had Dr. Gerandy come and look at him, telling him that they just wanted him to tell them what they needed to do. That he couldn't test his blood (he hated needles) and that he just needed to figure it out, doc. I don't think I even left his bed to do more than use the bathroom. Showering could wait a week. Or almost two.
Then, almost two whole weeks later, I was sitting on the far edge of the bed, starting to fall asleep when I heard him cough. I whipped around to see him looking over at me half in a daze. It was then that I realized my feelings for him were past being friends, yes, but they took on a whole meaning of their own. I yelled out his name and nearly choked him to death as I hugged him for what felt like forever.
"Oh thank God, Jacob. Thank God. I was s-so worried a-about you!" I sobbed into his chest, pulling away when my tears started to leak out.
I made sure that I was the best friend anyone ever had, after that moment. Anytime he needed me, I was on the phone, or I was there in my roaring truck. Anytime he had an issue with someone in his pack, I was a shoulder to lean on. When he confessed he felt that he was to be held responsible for the accident that took his mom's life...I cried with him.
And when he confessed to me that he was scared of the imprinting gene, I shook in fear with him. I wasn't sure where our lines blurred together in the friendship/romance way, but I knew that if he imprinted, I would lose him forever. And I wasn't sure I could fully cope with that.
Especially in October, when I got so jealous of Amber, a girl he ended up having to take to the senior/junior Halloween dance with him because of the way his school wouldn't let outsiders attend their social gatherings. In an immature fit of supremacy, Jacob told me she kissed him and how he figured 'oh, what the hell' and kissed her back...I tried to be subtle about the tears, but he caught my face and pulled it to face him.
"Why can't you just understand Bells? You and I both know it. You're mad because it was another girl. It was someone else and it wasn't you. WHY can't you just say it?" he stared hard at me.
"I don't know what-"
"Don't play dumb Bella. You're way too smart and open for that. Plus you suck at lying. A lot," he said, letting go of my face. I dropped my gaze to the floor, angry that I'd gotten upset over this. If Jake wanted to go kiss another girl...or girls...he could do whatever he wanted.
"Please, Bella. Say it. Tell me what you're thinking," he pleaded, looking me directly in the eyes.
"No. Just...do whatever the hell you want. It's your mouth," and with that, I walked to my truck and went home. Where I didn't see or speak to him until a week later, when he came by to apologize for trying to get a rise out of me. Damn charming boy.
We sagged into the small couch and Jacob leaned his warm head down against my shoulder and I could feel his lips upturn into a smile.
"Guess what?" he whispered, causing more shivering. How the heck could I be so cold with my own personal space heater?
"Hmm?"
"I got you a present," he whispered again, his warm breath meeting my exposed skin not covered by the sweater.
Usually, and almost always I hated presents. But for some reason gifts from Jacob were welcomed with open arms by me. Something he thinks is a small miracle.
"Really? Let's see it then," I replied, smiling and ruffling my hand through his groomed hair. I played with his black hair for a second, trying to mess it up so it looked more normal. There, I thought, when it was sticking out every which way.
He hopped up quickly, nearly pulling my arm out of it's socket as he brought me with him. Wincing, I rubbed my elbow. Jake rolled his eyes at my theatrics.
"Now, follow me," he commanded, tugging at my hand once more.
Jacob led me outside, probably forgetting that I was not superhuman and not able to warm myself as easily as him. Charlie called out for me to "Grab a damn coat, for Christ's sake Bella! Aw, shoot, I mean-" before I shut the door behind me.
We slid into the Rabbit, where he turned on the car and heat with it. I immediately clung to him for dear life in a way that almost made me blush if there was any blood left in my face. I felt him inhale sharply as he reached underneath his seat and pulled out a small box. I stared at it as he held it up and shook it lightly in front of him, before leaning his head overtop mine and handing it to me.
"Okay, now close your eyes. I'm going to put it on you," he and I both laughed at how ridiculous and cheesy the last statement sounded.
I felt him take my wrist and I breathed slowly hoping it wasn't some fancy piece of jewelry. Because a). I wasn't big on jewelry,(much less fancy) and b). Jacob giving me jewelry was a big step in our relationship that I wasn't quite sure I was ready for. I would always be committed to Jake no matter what. The commitment in jewelry was no problem- it was the fact that he was a guy giving a girl jewelry. And I was the girl receiving it and it was all so much to take in. Almost more than the simple fact that his blazing fingers carefully hooked a bracelet around my wrist.
"Now open them," he said.
I did and I directly looked at him first with a curious glance before he nodded to my left hand.
Around it, was a silver chain with a small, wooden wolf charm dangling from it. Immediately I teared up, not able to think about the million things that were just implied with this. It was safe to say that I was frozen in place at this moment, not able to move an inch.
"Bella? Do you, uh, like it? I mean I made it so it may not be so-"
"You made it? Yourself?" I asked, snapping out of my dumbfounded state, still holding my wrist up to examine it.
He nodded, and flipped the little wolf charm over and pointed the three little symbols on the back of it.
J & B ...
I took in a deep breath, not sure if I could really compliment him on his crazy ingenuity or if I could even laugh at how stupid I was being. This was Jacob and Bella and this was okay and I could take this present, this...this amazing little thing that meant so much now...and I would thank him any way I could...
"Jake...oh my...God. Wow. I mean thank you. Thank you so much. Just...wow. I can't believe you actually made this!" I laughed, twisting my wrist back and forth and watching the wolf baying at the moon sway back and forth.
He laughed with me, letting it die off at the same time. I heard him gulp, and watched as he nervously fidget with some green thing he had picked up from the dashboard.
It was mistletoe. And I was trapped by Jacob's arm and the fact that I couldn't bear to pull myself away from his heat...and from him.
"You know what they say about mistletoe..." he trailed off, shyly smiling at the way I kept blinking at him and the ballsy-ness of this situation.
"Yeah. It's poisonous," I replied, also gulping.
He turned to face me and held the mistletoe up over our heads. I still sat there unsure of what to do. Jacob waited patiently, waiting to see if I would give in and finally kiss him after all this time. I could feel the deep sadness that he would surely feel after the ultimate rejection.
"Well, I hope you like your present, Bella," he said, before tossing aside the mistletoe and opening the car door.
"Wait, Jake! Please wait a minute," I cried out, desperately grabbing his arm. He peered back into the car, looking down at the seat.
"Just come back for a minute. I have something I want to say," I said, still trying to think of what exactly it was that I was going to say. He nodded, and slowly sat back down, hunched over and trying to not look like I just shot him down.
I took his hand and placed it over my other one.
"You keep me warm," I stated, slowly scooting closer to him. Placing our hands in my lap, I ran my hand through my hair.
"You saved my life. In an assortment of ways...You, you...gave me the tools? I guess? To realize that I'm still here. Still inside my head somewhere. You let me do my own thing. You...picked me up constantly when I fell. You only have ever told me the truth. You don't think I'm crazy. You never keep things from me. You held your family together when it fell apart. You held your pack together when it almost fell apart. You hold me....so tightly together every time I fall apart. You want me to be happy even away from you. There is nothing you can't fix. There aren't any happy, good words...that don't describe you. You change into a giant wolf and take on things that no one else knows exists.
I only make sense of things because you made me see how smart I've always been. I was hurt but you healed me. If I had to choose to go back and do it over again...it would've never happened and I would've driven to your house and been your friend a long time ago. And then me and you-"
"Bella...what...what is all this you're talking about?" Jake murmured softly, squeezing my hand.
I faced him and saw it all. I saw the one that I had been waiting on. The gentle, soft and caring boy who was now a man. The one who couldn't carry a tune in a bucket...couldn't make any food other than macaroni and cheese and sandwiches. I saw him and I smiled inwardly because only now could I really see him. And when I saw something this beautiful, I just had to reach out and make it mine.
"I choose flame." I mumbled.
"You what?" his eyes grew concerned. I looked up at him almost sheepishly.
"Those were all the reasons that I don't need a stupid piece of mistletoe to make me want to kiss you," and with that and his widened eyes, I lunged at him.
I wrapped my arms around his neck and quickly tilted my head to one side before crushing my mouth against his, almost knocking teeth in the process. He gasped as I took away his air supply, before meeting my lips again, greedily this time. He wrapped his arms around my waist, before hoisting me up and sitting me in his lap with my legs on either side of him.
Even though it was only twenty degrees outside and I only had a sweater on...I was melting. I felt my face and my lips melt into something entirely different. I think maybe his face.
His arms pulled me as close as possible, even closer still. I almost wanted to rip his stupid shirt off and feel his warm skin under my numbed fingers. I felt his tongue trace my lips, as he sighed. We both panted for a few seconds, trying to regain our hold on reality and all things not JacobandBella. I tilted my forehead to his, and placed my hands under his shirt, bringing them around his back and tracing the skin I met there. A small noise came from the back of his throat, as he brought his mouth to my neck and earlobe, kissing and sucking at the sensitive skin he found there. Moaning, I raked my nails down his back at this incredible sensation. He pulled my hair out of the way and kissed all the spots around my collar bone that made me feel alive. I leaned back for him to get a clearer shot and suddenly backed into the wheel, causing the car to honk loudly. We both jumped and stopped, looking at each other and what was going on.
And at the same time, we both started laughing and scrambling to pull ourselves together and off of each other as Jacob mentioned Charlie looking out the window at us. Jake took my hand nudging his face against it, and smiled. I smiled too.
"Guess what?" I murmured, holding my hands up to feel the softness of his arms under his sleeves.
"Hmm?" he smirked.
"Merry Christmas Jacob," I replied as I leaned forward to kiss his nose. He placed his hands on the back of my head to hold me there.
Leaning in slowly, he kissed me softer than before all while smiling.
"Merry Christmas Bella. Now lets get inside before Charlie kills me for giving you hypothermia."
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