Title: Some Pain Cannot be Healed
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, Romance
Warnings: Yaoi, Sadness, Suicide
Pairings: KiddLaw, One sided LawLu, Mentioned KillerLu, Eventual KiddxKiller.
A/N: This idea has been bugging me for months now and I finally decided to write it down! It's only a Oneshot and let me warn you, this will not have a happy ending. I love LawLu, but this time they won't have a happy ending.. well, not really anyways.. I hope you enjoyed anyways!
"A person doesn't know true hurt and suffering until they've felt the pain of falling in love with someone whose affections lie elsewhere."
- Rose Gordon
"I'm sorry, Law.. I love you. Goodbye."
Those words kept repeating itself in Law's mind like a mantra as he ran as fast as he could to his friends apartment, after having tried to call him back several times, but no one ever picked up.
As he reached the door to his friends apartment he knocked on the door as hard as he could and tried to catch his breath. The one that opened the door was Luffy's boyfriend. Killer. He wasn't wearing his usual mask and looked at Law frowning, before stepping aside and letting the dark-haired man enter his apartment.
"Killer. Luffy-ya's here, right?" Law asked hastily, looking around the living room, but he froze as he heard the door being locked. "Sit down. I prepared coffee." Killer replied and walked over to the kitchen, filling a mug with coffee. "I don't have time for that! Where's Luffy-ya?!" he nearly screamed at the blonde that was walking to the kitchen table and sitting down. "I told you to sit down." He said, his voice telling Law to do as he was told or otherwise he'd be killed on the spot.
Killer passed Law the coffee and they looked at each other for a few seconds before Killer spoke. "I know why you're here. Luffy sent me a message." He explained and leaned back into the chair. "I know that you didn't come here running because he told you that he loves you. You came because he said 'Goodbye', right?" Killer questioned, his arms crossed in front of his chest.
"Yes." Law replied, looking at Killer with a deep frown. "And I know that he can't be in love with me, because he's in a relationship with you." Law said, though his statement sounded more like a question, causing Killer to chuckle. "Have you ever heard either of us say that we're in a relationship?" Killer asked, but didn't wait for a reply and decided to answer the question himself. "No. And that's the truth. We've never considered dating either, it just happened to be easier for us if we lived together." He said and then leaned on the table, looking at Law with piercing eyes. "Now let's get to your main question. I don't know where he is, but I can assure you that you won't be speaking to him again."
As the words reached Law's ears his entire body froze. What happened to his best friend? He's known Luffy for at lest 5 years and he's spoken to him every single day and now all of a sudden Killer tells him that he won't be able to ever talk to his friend again?
"What's with this bullshit?! Tell me where he is!" Law burst out, grabbing Killer by the throat and pulling him in closer.
Killer grabbed Law's wrist, nearly breaking it, before he finally let go of his throat. "I told you I don't know. And there is a reason for why I wanted to speak to you. Sit back down and I'll tell you." He said as he sat back down again, waiting for Law to do the same. And so he did. There wasn't any other place he could look for Luffy anyways. He decided to just listen to what Killer had to say and try and figure out if he could answer his questions.
"You know. I knew this was going to happen. I'm sure a few others noticed the changes that he was going through for quite a while now, but no one ever tried asking him about it. You're probably the only one who didn't notice, because he always tried to act the same around you, so you wouldn't worry about him.
There was a rule Luffy had set up when we decided on doing something; namely, getting
You and Kidd to understand that you don't fit together and break up. The rule he made was that we weren't going to hurt either of your feelings. I agreed to it, because I didn't want to hurt neither you nor Kidd.
When you two had first introduced me to Luffy I thought that he wasn't interested in love in any kind of way and to be honest, I wasn't interested in anyone besides Kidd, either. I don't know how he found out that I was in love with Kidd after having only seen me once, but I like to believe that it was because he could feel my pain when I saw you two kiss." He explained, a small smile painting his lips.
"That was 4 years ago and you and Kidd had only been in a relationship for 2 months. We both still had hope that maybe we still had a chance. And after a year of trying and failing time and time again, I made a huge mistake. Luffy had told me not to do it and he even yelled at me, telling me that it could only backfire, but I ignored his pleads and did it anyways, without telling him of course. I called Kidd and we met up a few hours after that. If I could change what I said that day, than I most definitely would. If I would've never brought up marriage than you two would've never gotten married I think." His smile had completely vanished from his face and his voice was filled with sadness.
"Nee, Luffy-ya, Kidd brought something up a few days ago and I've been wondering.." Law began, looking at his best friend, who was currently playing with the cherry on his ice cream. "What did he say?" Luffy asked, now fully focused on Law. "He asked if I wanted to marry him, because if I wouldn't want to spent the rest of my life with him then there wouldn't be a point in us being together, right?" he questioned and Luffy nodded, the gears in his head had already begun moving and had managed to put all the pieces together. Killer had talked to Kidd about it. Even though he had asked him not to. "And? What are you gonna do?" he asked, trying not to let his fear show "I wanted to ask if you'd like to be my best man, Luffy." He said and Luffy stared at him for a while before nodding.
"Sure.. Oh damn.. It's already this late! I have to get to Killer! I'm sorry Law, we'll talk later, okay?" he asked and quickly grabbed his stuff and left.
What Law was unaware of was that the second he asked him to be his best man everything inside of him began to shatter. Luffy ran to his and Killers apartment and as he entered he fell to his knees in front of the door. Tears streaming down his face as he realized that he would have no chances with Law anymore. It was over. His love would remain unrequited for the rest of his life.
"When I got home that day I found Luffy sitting against the wall, looking at me. I had never seen him look at anyone like that. His eyes were completely swollen, while tears kept on streaming down his cheeks and the way he looked at me told me enough and I cursed myself for not listening to him. To be honest, it was the first time I had seen Luffy cry in the entire year that I had lived with him. No matter how many times I had cried and he had tried to comfort me he never let a single tear escape his eyes, because he thought that there was still hope, but at that point I realized that we had lost our fight. And we cried that night. The entire night we kept on crying and even now, after 4 years he never even once blamed me for what happened. And I'm thankful for that."
"Luffy. We have to get going now. You're the best man so please pull yourself together, the wedding will start in a couple of hours." Killer said, taking the liquor out of his friends hands. "They're going to suspect something if you show up drunk you know." Killer tried to reason with Luffy who only laughed at him.
"Says the one who tried to kill himself for the past 2 weeks." He said as he wiped away the tears and straightened his suit. "I'm fine, let's go." He lied, but Killer decided to ignore it and they made their way to the wedding.
Luffy managed to keep himself together during the ceremony, but as soon as the party started he could no longer hold back his tears as Law and Kidd cut the cake and everyone applauded for them.
He jumped them both from behind, hugging them tightly while tears streamed down his face. It were tears of pure sadness. "I'm so happy for you guys!" he squeaked weakly, and he wasn't lying. He was truly happy for both of them, because even if he would never be able to obtain Law's love, he was happy that Kidd could make him look so happy.
"While you two went on your Honey Moon, I did my best to forget about Kidd and even after that, I did my best and after a year it worked out for me. I could never find anyone I would want to be in a relationship with, but at least I could be with the both of you without wanting to break down in tears. Luffy was different though. While you two were on your Honey Moon he locked himself up inside his room for 2 weeks, starving himself and the only thing I could hear when I passed his room were muffled cries.
After that he managed to be as normal as possible while he was in public, but when he was at home he never smiled even once. No matter what day it was, he never smiled. And every night he cried himself to sleep. Even though I knew his pain, there was nothing I could do for him, because I never loved Kidd as much as he loves you.
When your second wedding anniversary came I asked him how exactly he felt and he told me. I'm going to use his exact words and I believe that you deserve to know how he felt every day for the past 4 years."
"I feel like dying. Whenever there's a day that I don't see him I feel like dying because I miss him too much. My heart feels like it's being squished every hour of ever day. Every minute of the day I'm thinking of him and it causes me to have a souring headache, accompanied by a horrible heart ache. When I'm with him I feel even worse. I want to cry every time I see him, because I know that he'll never love me the way I love him. Whenever I see him kiss Kidd it's like a stab to the heart and I'm sick of acting all happy around everyone. I wish I could just die."
"That's how he felt most of the times. Though there were several times that he felt even worse.
I know, because those were the days that I had to treat his cuts, because he couldn't treat them himself. He never hurt himself while he wasn't under influence, but every once in a while he couldn't take the pain anymore and took many drugs and I don't even know how much he took nor which he took, though it always ended in him cutting his body open.
There are a couple of his friends that won't be surprised when they hear what happened. No one ever tried to help him with his depression and neither did I. I knew exactly what was going on, yet I never helped him and do you know why?" Killer asked and Law shook his head, still trying to understand everything that had been said.
"I didn't try to help him even though he helped me, because I knew that he would be better of dead. It may sound cruel, but in those years I understood one thing. He cannot live without you and you will never return his feelings. I would've never been able to heal the wound of his heart. The only one who could've healed it, would've been you, but he would've never allowed it.
You know, it doesn't surprise me that it happened now, because lately he's been having nightmares. I've been woken up every single night for the past 2 months by him screaming your name in pain.
Lets go now. I think I told you enough for you to see him." Killer said and got up, not looking if Law would follow him or not, he kept on walking, not bothering to put on a jacket and he went outside.
"Killer, stop it, you shouldn't kill yourself." Luffy said as he took a seat on the edge of the building Killer was standing on, ready to jump down. "You should now best that this pain is unbearable, Luffy. I just can't take it anymore." He said, tears streaming out from under his mask.
"Yeah, I know. But you know, I'm sure this whole thing will have a happy ending for you, because, you know, You're heart hasn't been consumed by your love entirely. There is still this tiny spark of hope for you. The tiny spark that I lost that day." He said, a pained smile painting his lips.
"What day?" Killer asked, sitting down next to Luffy. "Ah, I never told you, did I? Well, it was the 2nd month of me knowing Law. I had fallen for him upon meeting him, but I never had the courage to tell him I guess.. Anyways, on the second month we went to a friends birthday and we were simply talking. Just talking and that's when he smiled at me while I was telling him a story. It wasn't his usual smile. It was a smile only meant for me. I've never seen him smile at Kidd like that and I don't know what that smile meant, but at that moment I fell for him and hard. I've never been able to think of anyone else in that kind of way ever since." He smiled, a smile filled with joy that Killer had thought Luffy no longer had.
"You know, he stole my heart that day and never returned it. And I don't blame him for that either, because that's just how he is. I would do anything for him. I mean it. If he'd tell me to kill Ace, I would. If he'd tell me to sat a store on fire, I would, If he'd tell me to rob a bank I would. And if he'd tell me to kill myself, then I would. But you know what the best part is? I know that he'd never ask any of that of me, because he cares for me and my friends and family. That's why I love him so much, even though he could take advantage of me, he doesn't." Luffy finished and turned his head towards Killer.
"Killer, I will die one of these days and when that day comes, please tell him one thing from me. 'Never lose that smile that made me love you so much, because otherwise I won't be able to rest in peace.' Let's go inside now. It'll start raining soon."
"Trafalgar, one last thing Luffy wanted me to tell you." Killer said as he kept on walking down the street, not bothering to look behind him to see if Law is actually following him. "Luffy wanted me to tell you something, before you see him." He began and heard a grunt as a reply, telling him to continue. "Never lose that smile that made me love you so much, because otherwise I won't be able to rest in peace." He finished and they both stopped in front of a hotel.
There were police cars and an ambulance was there, accompanied by many bystanders. Law immediately ran over to the ambulance, pushing through the crowd and ignoring the police, pushing past them and pulling the sheet off of the person that they were transporting to the ambulance. Law froze as he saw Luffy's face, splattered with blood. He couldn't stop the tears streaming down his face as he held the youngsters head in his hands.
The police tried pulling him away from the body when the hand of one of the doctors stopped him. Looking at the policeman with a sorry look in his eyes, before he spoke. "They're close friends." He said and his eyes fell onto the dead boy on the cart. The man knew Luffy. There wasn't anyone in the hospital that didn't know him. He came by on a daily bases, visiting Law and everyone in the hospital had grown fond of the young man.
The doctor put his hand on Law's shoulder, pulling him closer and leading him into the ambulance. "I'm really sorry Law, but it was suicide. There was no one who could've gotten onto the roof of this hotel. The door to it had been locked from the outside for the entire day. I think he's been up there for quite a while before jumping." He explained, but he knew that his words wouldn't reach his colleague anyways.
You never know what you have until you lose it, and once you lose it, you can never get it back.
- Joni Mitchell
It has been forty years since Luffy committed suicide and in those forty years a lot happened.
A year after Luffy's death he divorced Kidd without ever telling him any reason and soon after that Killer confessed to Kidd.
3 years later Law was invited by Killer to their wedding, but never went.
Law continued to work until he turned 67 and never stopped smiling even once. He never dated anyone nor did he ever leave the town Luffy killed himself in.
Law has been in grief for all those forty years, because only as he held Luffy's dead body did he realize how much he actually loved the young man.
Everyone makes mistakes in life and he had to pay for his with time. Time that he didn't have anymore. He was at a dying age and he knew it. He hadn't been a doctor for all those years without being able to see the symptoms. All of his organs slowly stopped working, but he never stopped smiling.
In those forty years, not a single day went by that he didn't go visit Luffy's grave. And in all those forty years he never shed a single tear in front of his grave either. He smiled. Just like Luffy had asked of him. He continued smiling. Day in, day out.
The kids in his neighborhood had started calling him 'that nice geezer', because he always smiled. He never liked kids, but their recklessness and honest attitude reminded him so much of Luffy. He couldn't help but smile whenever he saw them.
And today, once again, was he on his way to Luffy's grave. It was his usual routine.
He wakes up at 6 am, gets dressed, washes himself, eats breakfast and then around 8 am he leaves the house. He walks to the florist and buys a huge bouquet and than he walks to the closest café and buys himself some coffee.
With both coffee and flowers in hand he walks onto the graveyard and walks to Luffy's grave. Sitting down in front of it.
"Good morning, Luffy-ya. Today they got new winter flowers. I'm sure you'd have loved them." He said as he placed the flowers in front of the grave stone.
Law sat in front of the grave for the rest of the day, not moving from his spot until the grave keeper walked up to him at 9 pm.
He shook the old man, but no reply came. He tried again several times and when he didn't get a reply he decided to call an ambulance.
As the ambulance arrived they checked his pulse and determined him dead for at least 8 hours.
When Killer was called into the morgue he didn't expect to have to identify a person he hadn't seen nor spoken to in at least 30 years, but he agreed to do so anyways.
"Good day, sir. I'm sorry to call you for this and we are aware that you haven't spoken to this man in many years, but even though I had known him myself I'm no longer certain if it's truly him." A young man said as he helped Killer towards the table Law was lying on.
"What do you mean? Why wouldn't you be certain about it if you knew him yourself?" he questioned and before the young man pulled the covers away from Law's face he looked at Killer.
"Because, in all those years we have seen him smile a lot, but we have never seen a smile like this on him. And usually, when a person dies, the muscles relax, but no matter what I do, I cannot get his facial muscles to relax." He said and pulled the covers away.
Killer looked at the face for a few seconds before tears started streaming down his face. "And I'm afraid that the only person who could tell you that this is truly his smile has died forty years ago." Killer smiled.
"Are you talking about Monkey D. Luffy?" he questioned and Killer nodded. "How did you know?" he asked, his eyes not leaving Law's face. "Because that's the name of the grave he died at. According to the grave keeper he came everyday for the past forty years and as he got pensioned he came every morning at exactly 9 o' clock and left at exactly 9 in the evening." The young man said, reading it off of some chart.
"Law." Killer began as anew tears streamed down his cheeks. "You've kept your promise well and now it is time for me to keep my promise." He said, kissing the dead man's forehead.
"Killer, if Law should die someday, I want you to promise me something, and if you're no longer alive I want you to get someone else to keep that promise." Luffy said, as he put on his shoes and got ready to leave their apartment, even though it was only 8 am. "What is it?" Killer asked, looking at his flat mate seriously, wondering where he would be going. "Make sure that…." The words Luffy spoke were registered by Killer, but he couldn't believe what his friend asked of him, but agreed on it anyways.
And that's when he left their apartment, for the very last time.
A year had past since Law died and the streets were full of posters of a best selling book, which had only been out for a week, yet everyone was already talking about it.
Killer was walking through the streets, smiling as he looked at the posters and walked onto the graveyard.
As he spotted Law's grave he stopped and sat down. Killer managed to get Law the grave right next to Luffy's. He looked at the grave stones of his old friends before putting down a book in between their graves and walking away again.
Here lies Trafalgar Law
10.08.1988 – 08.26.2059
Sometimes, a smile is all that's needed to make a person fall in love.
Here Lies Monkey D. Luffy
Beloved brother and friend
05.05.1995 – 08.26.2019
Sometimes, loving too much can kill you on the inside.
The book that Killer had put in between their graves remained their, until nature decided to destroy it, because there wasn't a single person who had dared to remove it.
The pen name of the author was: Soldier.
And the title of the book was: Sometimes it's too late.
Acknowledgements
To keep a forty year old promise to my best friend, who killed himself the same day.
Luffy, I know that you will never be able to read this, but I felt like thanking you for everything.
I thank you for never blaming me.
I thank you for keeping up my hope.
I thank you for doing what I never did for you, stopping me from killing myself.
I thank you for having lived and for having met you at the time I did.
And I want to apologize for many things, many things that I never managed to apologize for when you were still alive.
I apologize for not having stopped you when you took those drugs.
I apologize for not having stopped you from cutting yourself.
I apologize for not having listened to you when I should've.
I apologize for not have held you and told you that everything was going to be alright when you woke me up in the middle of the night, screaming out of pain.
This book is our story and how only one of us survived this unbearable pain. And it is to help those who have to go through the same thing we did.
If anyone happens to read the acknowledgements, which I highly doubt, I want to warn you. If you go through this with someone else, never let them try to struggle themselves, only because they managed to keep your hopes up, because they will never find a way out themselves.
Surviving alone, without ever being able to hear that persons voice again will kill you more than the pain you felt before, because you could've prevented it from happening.
Luffy, this book is in memory of you and your undying love for a man who kept on smiling until his death for your sake.
- Soldier.