I don't own Loveless. I don't think I could ever write something so complex and (at least in my mind) depressing.
He doesn't feel.
Ritsu-sensei spent years trying to get him used to the sting of pain through means of a whip, but Semei cutting through his skin still held the inescapable burn that he felt the first time Ritsu caused him physical harm. Every single lash, cut, burn, bruise, and scab hurt equally as much as the one before it. The pain never goes away; if the physical pain started to hurt less he would be disturbed. Soubi takes comfort in the fact that it never changes. Emotional pain-mental pain-on the other hand is a different story.
Soubi can't remember when it started, but his passion, his empathy, and his internal wounds started to numb over all at the same time. It was frightening, but by the time he realized it was already too late. He thinks that maybe, in the end, this process of losing feeling in his heart is a good thing. Empathy with his victims would only cause hesitation. Passion would only get in the way of becoming an efficient fighter. Internal wounds…well, why would anyone want to ever feel those?
The feeling of numbness spreads, until that is the only feeling he is left with. Semei is pleased. It makes things easier. Soubi believes it won't be long before his entire heart freezes over. Then Semei dies, and his whole world flips upside-down.
He becomes comatose. He doesn't eat, he doesn't think, and he doesn't feel. There is nothing, nothing except the need to follow through on a final order. He finds Ritsuka at school. They take pictures and make memories. Soubi smiles in each frame, but his eyes hold no warmth. That died years ago.
So he exists. He fights for Ritsuka. Ritsuka, who shouts anger, cries tears, shows passion, and Soubi doesn't-can't-connect. He goes through the motions. Follows Semei's orders, and disobeys the child's so-called commands. They argue, even though Soubi never raises his voice, and Soubi believes he is once again in the position to continue freezing over.
And then shit happens.
Semei's alive. He threw him away. He has his true fighter, his real fighter, and Soubi feels like he's drowning. The ice frosted over his heart breaks, shatters, and melts until it is flooding throughout his entire body, and washing through every single last strand of nerves left. Soubi shows his emotions. Only once, but it's enough.
He knows. He knows his past, and he knows what he did. Everything is burning, and freezing, and dying, and coming back to life. He's thawing, thawing through to the core, and he paints, but his one lifeline isn't helping. He's run out of options. Inside he weeps.
"Why am I always thrown away?"
Soubi thinks that he was right. Emotions are not worth having if they can inflict so much pain.
He secretly wishes for the burn of Semei's knife.