Hello my dearest readers! I decided to post my little rantbook here, because I have no idea where else to post it... It's probably alright here, considering it is mostly parody in it. But anyway, I hope you'll enjoy it and have comments to add! Enjoy and let me know how you feel about it :)

We all know the "Sisters before misters" and "Chicks before d*cks" phrases, and we all think our friendships are going to last forever and ever.

Maybe your friendship will really last for years on and all the way until you two are old friends. That's the best that could ever happen.

But what if this friendship is not meant to be?

Imagine this next scene.

You and your BFF are sipping coffee together one day, talking about clothes, shoes, college/school or work, about other friends and maybe some guys and many other things you share interest in. Everything is fine and perfect and you have a great day and when you part in the evening, you know this friendship will last for a very long time, if not for years.

And then suddenly the other day you wake up to the PM saying "We really need to talk". You'll probably feel nervous, maybe even feel sick in your stomach because of fear that something's wrong with her.

And then when you finally talk about it, she tells you your friendship is not the same anymore.

The feelings that appear in that exact moment are indescribable. A mixture of guilt, anger, hate, sorrow, confusion and so much more.

How do I know this? Because it happened to me.

There was this girl whom I knew from before when we were children, but we never really talked to each other. After we started an activity together (dancing) we started to talk and type to each other when we couldn't talk in person. We pretty much grew close and she was like a sister to me, and I'm not exaggerating it at all. We would tell each other our secrets, our fears and wishes. And we understood each other so well.

At least I thought we did.

We were best friends for 4 or 5 years, and then troubles came.

With time we started to have little fights over such stupid things.

In this friendship she was the one fighting and bringing up most of the arguments about how and why we ended up fighting, and I would be the one apologizing while crying, saying I'm sorry. It never mattered to her who was to blame, I was apologizing every single time.

We were a pretty strange couple of friends now when I look back at it. She's tall and thin, while I'm shorter and chubby. She's from a wealthier family, while mine is pretty poor. She's a real fighter when it comes to any situation; she's active and loves to move, dance, ride a bike or do anything that involves speed. I'm the slower kind of girl who prefers to stay home and write while listening to music, or take a walk in the nature while listening to all the sound it offers.

Emotionally we were quiet different as well; she would hold all her emotions inside herself instead of telling me and she would rarely (if ever) talk about the problems that were troubling her. I always told her everything that bothered me, how I felt and sometimes when I really couldn't take it all anymore, I would sob in front of her.

She was fine with all my flaws and so was I with hers.

But there was that one thing she usually did to people who got too close to her. She would emotionally push people away. Just stop talking to people who cared about her, without giving them a reason why. Once she explained that she did that often because she was afraid they would hurt her sooner or later, but she wasn't aware that she was hurting those people that way.

All in all, we are pretty different, but we were great best friends.

She's the kind of person who hates to cry in front of others because she thinks it makes her weak. I told her on few occasions that it doesn't make her weak but strong because she puts up with it instead, but she always just waved it off. I remember that I only saw her cry twice in my whole life.

Once when she was hurt by her other two friends who called her a wh*re because they disliked her behavior. I was there for her when she was crying over it, listening to her and trying to comfort her as well as I could.

The second time she was crying because of her father with whom she had problems back then. I hated to see her cry because I knew how she felt about it and because she was hurt by it all. We were besties without any trouble in the friendship for around 5 years, and then we started to argue.

There were fights when we would blame each other for things others would simply laugh at. We didn't talk to each other for a few days after them, but then I'd apologize (because I couldn't bear the thought of my best friend being angry with me), she would still huff and puff for a day or two, and then everything would be good. The next two years went by so-so, with some fights here and there, some silent days between us, but I thought it was all because we were both nervous about things that were happening in our families at the time.

And then finally the day came when she was pissed at something and I wanted to help her. She got angry at me, told me all the things she hated about me, how she didn't say anything before because she didn't want to hurt me, how she danced with a guy and I was jealous about it (I liked that guy some time before it, but I never really explained it because it was already in the past) and many more things that were obviously building up in her all those years. I tried to talk to her about it all, to explain how I felt and how I saw it all, but she didn't care.

I tried contacting her many times after that fight, but she ignored me. Even worse, she told me to leave her alone and stop trying to talk to her.

So I did exactly what she told me.

The worst part was that I saw her every day. We waited for the bus on the same station only a few steps away from each other, we would come home on the same bus as she would sit a few seats in front of me. I saw her talking happily and having fun with her other friends, while I was sitting alone and listened to music so I wouldn't hear her voice at all.

The only thing I could think about was "Why are you happy while I feel empty?"

It was a depressing time for me: my grandmother was really ill, my mother was near a breakdown, we had debts and I simply couldn't find anything that would make me happy. My sister would often call me to come over to her, but I would always try to find an excuse.

Slowly I learned to ignore everything about her, although I would still ask myself what have I done so bad that she decided to completely delete me from her life.

And then suddenly one day I got a PM from her. I wasn't sure if I want to open it and I was just staring at it for an hour or two. And then I finally opened it. What I read was really personal and I knew she actually meant it, and that she was really sorry.

She apologized for her behavior and everything she said, that she realized she has pushed me away like many others but that she didn't want to do so, and finally said that she misses me. At the end of the message my face was wet with tears and I knew I still saw her as my sister, even after all that happened.

But could I forgive her?

Yes, I could.

And I did.

Although it was awkward to talk to her again I got over it, and in less than a week we were alright once more.

But somehow, somewhere deep I felt it's not completely the same anymore. I would often check twice the message I was about to send her; rethink the things I wanted to tell her. And often I didn't feel right around her and wouldn't exactly agree with things she said, but I didn't want to lose her again so I kept quiet.

How did that work out at the end?

In yet another disaster where I have completely lost my best friend, and my trust in people.

For another year or so after that huge fight we were friends, until last year things changed, once more. At this final fight she didn't confront me right away.

We went to a college trip where she was with her 3 friends and I was with my one friend. I tried to interact with her and her group of friends, but something was odd. She wouldn't talk to me like usually and even her friends seemed completely cold with me. When we arrived in the capital city my friend and I asked them all to go for a coffee, but they said they had other plans. All day long they were ignoring us and she was even pretty rude to me, messaging me she was too busy to talk to me.

It hurt me, but I left it at that. When we were returning she completely ignored me, and I had a terrible feeling.

A few days later she MESSAGED me that she doesn't feel the same about our friendship anymore. That she feels she can't tell me anything anymore. I asked why she felt that way, but there was no reasonable answer. The only thing she said was that SHE changed and that we can't be friend anymore. It felt like the end of the world for me, not knowing what caused this.

I assumed that we won't talk anymore and I honestly said I will miss her, miss every silly little joke we shared, all the puns only we knew, the hours we would spend talking about books and stories and the comfortable feeling that would surround us when we just shared a moment of silence. She said that I shouldn't talk like we're saying goodbye forever and that we won't have all that anymore. She promised we'll go on coffees together and go for long walks and stuff like that.

I believed her.

When was the last time I actually talked to her?

It was almost a year ago, and I haven't even seen her in more than 4 months now.

At one occasion I have promised her that I won't let her push me away and that I'll be her best friend and sister no matter what, but I couldn't keep that promise. She was hurt me too much, and I stopped fighting for everything I held dear about her.

Do I miss her?

Yes, I miss her a lot and everything we did together.

Sometimes I wonder how would she react if I would walk up to her house one day and tell her how I feel about this all, how much I miss her and how I would love to have her back as my best friend. But then I remember that if she'd feel the same, she would have told me so. I think of her here and there, if she's happy, if she has problems like she used to, if she still cares.

It's weird how we shared such a strong bond and then it just vanished as if it never existed.

I haven't tried to make friends ever since, being afraid I might end up just like this once more.

Don't get me wrong, I have some friends, but it's not the same.

There's this one girl though, who keeps trying and stays by my side no matter what I say or do. She's an awesome girl and she makes me a better person day by day. But we'll talk about her another time.

Her awesomeness deserves a post on its own!

So how do I feel about my ex best friend at the end of the day? I feel sad, but also happy.

Sad because it has all ended, but happy because our friendship happened.

And this is it for now! Did anything like this happen to you? Do you have any thoughts about it? Let me know :)