As the Dust Settles
Post-Episode 2.08 "Aisle 13"
Summary: Sam confronts his true emotions after his "talk" with Jules.
For all the courting, watching, waiting and finally getting, Sam felt as though his heart had just been ripped out of his chest. A totally unnatural feeling, almost as if someone had taken a hack saw and just gone at it. His chest just hurt.
He knew why, but he just couldn't wrap his head around the idea. He had always believed that hearing about people "having their heart ripped out" were just making up a bunch of bull. He never thought he would be one of those people, or that it would actually hurt so much. Actual pain, not just a mental thought.
He never would have believed it, but Jules had taken his heart and stomped on it. He didn't fully understand why, but all he knew was that he was broken, falling apart slowly. His heart was bleeding, not literally, but he thought it sure felt like it was. His girlfriend, well ex-girlfriend, and probably best friend had told him she loved him for the first time and then threw it away like trash, making it clear she was not ready to jump back in.
"It's not if its when I'm gonna go back on the team, Sam," Jules insisted.
Sam interlaced his fingers, bringing his hands up to his mouth. "Okay. So, the boss knows."
Jules quickly replied, "Right. Which is exactly why we can't be together if I'm gonna go back. You know that."
Sam leaned back in his chair, clearly not happy with what he was hearing.
"I love you Sam, but I've worked my whole life for this job, and the team, and I'm not gonna let getting shot stand in the way of me going back." The look on Jules' face revealed her regret at her statement, but she didn't recant.
Sam looked up, "You mean I'm not gonna stand in your way." He paused, looking her straight in the eyes, "Jules, that's the first time you told me you loved me. I didn't think it would be like this."
"Sam . . ."
"No, I get it. I get it, I do," Sam replied.
Only he didn't get it. He didn't get it at all. She tried to make it all better, to repair the damage she had just done, by saying that one of them should leave their team, their family. He didn't think that was an option. He wasn't going to leave just because she thought he was standing in her way.
If anything Sam was the one who wanted Jules back the most. He wanted her to come back, he wanted her to be with him everyday, to work side by side like they used to. He missed her: seeing her everyday, interacting with her, their playful banter. Everything.
Most of all Sam missed just being with her, off duty. She had been avoiding him this last week, and after she had stopped by the station, he knew that she was going to break up with him. She had inferred it. Whenever Jules got fed-up with something she always avoided confronting her emotions when they first appeared. Sam understood that she was guarded. He wouldn't have her any other way. That's what made her Julianna.
He just didn't understand why she hadn't just been upfront with him. She didn't give him anyway to counteract her feelings. He loved her too, but she didn't give him a fair chance to just show her how much he really cared about her.
He didn't want the boss to know, but now that it was out, it was over. Jules didn't understand that, for Sam, not having her meant not having anything.
She had become his whole life, another thing that Sam would have never expected. He never would have guessed back when he was in the Army that he would have a woman he loved so much that he would do anything for her.
In that moment, realizing this, that he would do anything to have Jules, Sam realized something else. To do anything for her, he would have to let her go. He loved her enough to respect her wishes, however much he disagreed with them.
If she didn't want to be with him anymore because of work, Sam would have to deal with that. He loved her so much that he would not think to go against what she asked of him. His heart broke to think that he would have to go without Jules in order to love her.
Sam decided he would love her from afar. When she came back he would still be there, by her side, just not in the way he used to be. He made up his mind, however, to show his unconditional love for her through his actions. He would have her back, make sure she was okay, be her friend. This was the only thing he knew he could do for her. He would stand by her, even though she wasn't choosing to stand by him.
Sam knew that Jules still loved him, she just didn't know how to love him enough to still hold on to what they shared. Sam considered that he would still love Jules, just not in the same way he had before.
He lost a little piece of himself that night, and sitting alone in his apartment didn't help matters. He popped open a beer and let the tears stream down his face. Sam wasn't usually one to show emotion, but the feeling of love and loss he had just experienced poured out of him like a stream, with no holding back.