So this fic is dedicated to RemytheReaper, because today's her birthday. Happy birthday! *Yay* But anyways, this is humor, so don't take any of this too seriously, and major Foreman fans shouldn't read unless they have a sense of humor.
So anyways, review, what not! Thanks!
"Where is he?"
Kutner, Thirteen and Taub looked up from the glass table over to House, who was standing in the doorway.
"You're going to have to be more specific," Taub said. "You can be talking about anybody. Wilson, the patient, John Lennon-"
"Wilson is in his office, we don't have a patient, and John Lennon is dead. Sorry to burst your bubble." House limped over to the three doctors and leaned heavily on his cane and motioned towards the empty chair. "Who I am wondering about is Foreman."
House received blank stares from all three doctors.
"Well?" House asked again. "Where our ghetto neurologist that's going out with our favorite prime number?"
"We broke up," Thirteen said.
"Oh. Is he at home wallowing in grief?"
"W-why do you care where he is?" Kutner asked. "I'm sure he's…around – OOF!" Kutner glared at Taub. "Why'd you kick me?" he whispered harshly. Taub sighed and shook his head.
"I want Foreman to go get me a latte. I like bossing him around because it makes him oh-so-happy." House laughed lightly. "Who am I kidding? I just like to annoy him."
The three fellows looked at each other.
…
"Remy, please, don't leave me!" Foreman begged.
"You would stop bothering her if you knew what was good for you," Taub warned.
"But…come on…let's go somewhere else and discuss this." Foreman grabbed Thirteen's arm, but she yanked it away.
Kutner sighed. "We told you to be careful. Now you have to answer to us."
…
"Well we haven't seen him today. We'll let you know if we do," Thirteen promised. If House only knew that she was crossing her fingers under the table.
House shrugged. "Whatever. He doesn't have much of a purpose anyway. He just agrees with whatever I say."
"So you wouldn't be broken hearted say…if he didn't come back for awhile?" Kutner asked. "Oww! Taub stop kicking me!"
House must have been high on his Vicodin or thinking about Cuddy because he didn't catch on to how suspicious his fellows were being. Or maybe he just didn't care. "No, I wouldn't really care."
Kutner sighed with relief.
"Whatever. If you do see him, let me know." House walked into his office and began doing whatever it is that he spends so much time doing in there. Nobody knows whether or not he really does any work. Most assume he goes on the computer to give the illusion of doing work.
"That was close," Kutner said.
"Yeah, but you kept almost messing it up!" Taub pointed out.
"Calm down. It's going to be okay," Thirteen said reassuringly. "Nobody will ever know it was us. Foreman has to have a lot of enemies."
"Yeah, I once saw this one website where these two girls devote stories to their hatred of him," Kutner explained. "Their names start with R's. I can't remember their whole names though. They're part of some army."
Taub nodded. "If we just play it cool, people will forget about him and nobody will even realize that he's missing."
…
"No! Stop…please don't!" Foreman struggled as Taub and Kutner grabbed him by the arms and started dragging him down the hall. "I promise to stop being so annoying and obnoxious."
"Nice try," Taub said.
"But that's impossible for you not to be those things, so we are forced to come this," Kutner said.
Foreman whimpered.
…
The next day, Kutner, Thirteen and Taub came into work a little early. They had some matters to attend to, and thankfully, everything was going to plan. They wouldn't get caught.
Walking into House's office together smiling and laughing, they found House, Cuddy and Wilson waiting for them. They felt a slight sinking feeling in their stomach, but our heroes didn't give in yet.
"What's going on?" Taub asked.
"Have you guys seen Dr. Foreman lately?" Cuddy asked. "He's been missing for an entire day."
Wilson looked over to Cuddy. "Who's Foreman? I thought we were asking about somebody that was from this hospital."
"We are," House said. "Remember? Black dude, weird goatee, his name's Erin. No…Alex. Omar…I don't know. Something. I don't remember. Huh."
"He must not be that important if you don't remember his name," Wilson commented.
"He's not," Cuddy said. "I just have to do this. Hospital policy."
"We haven't seen him," Thirteen answered. And it was the truth; they haven't seen him since yesterday morning.
"When was the last time you saw him?"
Kutner, Taub and Thirteen met each other's eyes, and grinned.
…
"Kutner, put a bag over his head!" Taub shouted.
Kutner looked around. "I can't find one!"
Thirteen ducked when Foreman tried swing a punch at her face. "Just do something!"
Looking around, Kutner found the next best thing. He took a pillow case off of a laundry cart that was near them, and then shoved it over Foreman's head. Foreman continued to yell and fight, trying to escape from their clutches, but the three held him to the ground tightly.
"Now what?" Taub asked.
"I have an idea!" Kutner shouted. When he told the other two his idea, they smiled mischievously and Foreman yelled, because he could hear Kutner talking.
"NO! Anything but that!"
"Shut up," Thirteen said, kicking Foreman in the side.
Then they carried the crying Foreman away, following Kutner's plan. They left him there, knowing that nobody would ever look where they left him and they would never go back there. So it was the last time they would have to ever see Foreman and his ickiness.
…
"We saw him two days ago, here at work. We haven't seen him anymore than anyone else here," Kutner lied.
Cuddy shrugged. "Oh well. I have more important things to do. Like order more gloves, even though we have an endless supply already. Wilson, do you want to help?"
"Sure. Because I don't know this Fore-dude." Wilson walked out of the office with Cuddy.
House looked over at his newer employees.
"Nice try."
Kutner, Taub and Thirteen's eyes widened in shock, but tried to remain calm.
"What…are you talking about?" Taub asked.
"I don't know what you did, but I know you three did something to Foreman," House said.
The three fellows began panicking. They should have known they couldn't have fooled House. They were going to get caught and go to jail… The three thought that it was unfair that they would be punished for their crime, since Foreman didn't really matter, but now they were sure that they were going to get into trouble, and they pictured themselves sitting in lonely jail cell together because of their action to try and better the world by getting rid of Foreman.
"It's okay though, you know," House said.
"W-what?" Kutner asked.
"I'm not going to tell. I'm glad he's gone too. If you guys hadn't of done it, I would have soon. I was tired of seeing his smug face all the time."
The three stared at House in disbelief. It was too good to be true.
"You don't have to tell me where you put him or what you did with him." House walked over slowly to the three doctors that were standing in shock and whispered, "As long as he never comes back, your secret is safe with me."
Watching House go back into his office, Kutner, Taub and Thirteen glanced at each other. House was the only one that figured out their secret (well, somewhat…he didn't know what they did), and by tomorrow, everyone that knew about Foreman's sudden disappearance would have forgotten that he had even existed. They had completed their mission, and they had gotten away with it. They were safe.
Smiling, they went about their business like any other normal day, although now it would be Foreman-free, which made them very happy.
Thirteen sat at the table and began flipping through their new patient's file, while Kutner sat a cup of coffee down next to her and leaned down and kissed her gently on the cheek. Taub rolled his eyes.
"You two better thank me for helping you with the whole Foreman thing. You two can freely date now," Taub said.
"Thank you." Kutner looked over to Thirteen. "Not having Foreman around is going to make everything much better."
The three doctors looked at each and laughed, thinking of the secret that they shared.
--
Foreman was alone and scared. He didn't know where he was. It was cold, pitch black dark and there was something sticky on the ground. All he remembered was getting his head covered with a pillow case and listening to Kutner explain about an evil plan, then nothing. He assumed he got knocked unconscious, or he just fainted from fright.
"Hello?" he called weakly in the darkness. "Is anybody there?"
No answer. Foreman banged on the door, yelling for help.
"Kutner! Taub! Thirteen!"
If he listened closely, he realized he couldn't hear anything. Not even the chirping of crickets.
Foreman sat down on the ground and hugged his knees and began rocking. He came to the fact that he would be stuck here for a very, very long time. He began to cry.
From the other side of the door, no sound of Foreman was able to be heard. Nobody went down that hallway. The others had made sure of that he would never be found.
…
Thirteen watched as Kutner and Taub flung Foreman's unconscious body into the closet that was empty for the most part. There were some old crackers in there and some odd sticky substance on the ground that no one wanted to take the time to identify.
Taub kicked Foreman's leg into the room so he could shut the door, and then he took keys out of his pocket and locked the door so Foreman would not be able to escape. Then Kutner hung a sign on the door (just in case) that said: DANGEROUS DISEASED ANIMAL INSIDE. DO NOT OPEN DOOR UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES!
The three stepped back and admired their work, then happily walked off to go to the diagnostics office, glad to be rid of Foreman.
…
Kutner, Thirteen and Taub never heard from Foreman again, and neither did anybody else.
LOL So...review? Thanks! :)
~Rev