Part 1 || Albino in love with Sunshine
Do you believe in angels?
No, not the ones who live up there, in an imaginary place called heaven, show us around, offer some whisky. I meant the ones live among us. The ones who fell down from sky for some unsolved reason and act like Earthen.
I admit, I never was a believer. If you had been living a life like mine, surrendered by demons in shape of human, I bet you wouldn't either.
My life, it was not full of unbearable family problems, nor deeply tragic deaths; unlike the rest of the F4. Though, I also lived through unendurable things in life, nearly all of them was evil. I witnessed men got killed for senseless reasons, I had to watch them die.
I learned to watch them die.
Being stuck in the middle of the underground world, left me no choice but to fall back upon deceiving masks.
Maybe,that's why me and Yi Jeong; we were like real brothers. So alike. We both had to split into different characters and eventually lost our true selves. He had to be stronger after being abandoned by his own father, his own mother, even by his own brother and first love, and on the other hand me, I simply needed protection to survive.
All started like a childish game. Yi Jeong wore his favorite Casanova mask, I wore my Don Juan and we started to hang around as if they were our real faces, right from the very beginning.
Building invisible walls between the real world and us, playing an endless hide and seek; everything, lasted till F4 met a new world, a world we were perfectly unaware of.
That change was, surprisingly, thanks to a commoner; Geum Jan Di.
Well, Sunshine at least indirectly.
If we go deeply, deeply into the fact; " Jeux D'enfant" came to an end when an uninteresting, true born spoilsport entered our lives.
Yi jeong's and mine.
A girl with autumn in her eyes, a girl who had lost her wings long ago ...
Like I said, angels are sinful, deceitful creatures.
If you were given a chance to make magical wishes, what would you wish for?
I turned the page and continued reading the torn page of my 4nd grade English Homework.
Chu Ga Eul:
First; to be able study abroad in Vienna ,the capital of Classical Music, and become world's best cellist ever.
Second; to live a long healthy life with all my family.
Third, to meet my soulmate and love him forever. I sighed heavily trying to ignore the stupid rush to tear the page into billions of little prices,
And lastly; for the sake of the others, I hope everyone would be able to live their first loves happily, and marry the one they love. The page managed to escape from my trembling claw like fingers and I surprisingly decided not to catch it. Well, honestly two seconds ago, it was officially confirmed that I used to be a total douche ten years ago.
Only if I had been cleverer, or at least a little bit more realistic, maybe I could have guessed that it was gonna be impossible for me to go overseas due to our financial problems, I could have seen that being loved endlessly was just a childish dream and not everyone could find their destinated one, which probably do not exist at all.
Just imagine , I was so stupid that I wished every single love to be reciprocated, to end happily without causing any person to go through any pain, as if each was gonna fall for different people. As if there wouldn't be any triangles.
I mean if Jan Di had found happiness with Ji Hoo Sunbae, Jun Pyo Sunbae wouldn't receive any love from her, being left behind. If Seo Hyun Unni had fallen for Ji Hoo Sunbae, Jan Di would never be able to let go of him completely.
Then.... If, Yi Jeong Sunbae could have seen that Eun-Jae Unnie had indeed loved him, there wouldn't be a chance for me to fall for him, or even if I did I would fail, once again.
Complicated isn't it? Guess nothing seemed that difficult when you were only nine, it was easy to believe that changing the way things really were and to make the world a better place, full of love and pink flowers was possible.
Now, I see, that's quite not true, world has many colors other than pink. You can't survive with chocolate cake and strawberry milkshake. You can't watch your favorite movie over and over for years, you can't date your childhood love forever.
It's a must to learn to get it over, to wish simpler things, like finding your ideal hair color, buying some shoes matching your new dress, getting a B+.
At this very moment, even if I had a chance, my wish wouldn't go any further. Just like Prof. Dumbledor, a simple pair of socks would be enough.
|| 2 Days Before Christmas ||
"You did what?" my shocked voice echoed in the almost empty classroom. "Jan Di I think, no I must have heard wrong. Can you repeat what you just said?" I tapped my fingers nervously, hoping what she had said was a lame joke after all.
"Well, she since you react like this I assume you completely understood me." my best friend answered from the other side of the phone. " Yes, Ga Eul, I asked Woo Bin Sunbae to accompany you, as a favor."
My heart sank, causing me freeze at my spot for a second. This was ridiculous. No, it had to be a joke, absolutely a joke.
" As a favor, you said?"
"Yep, as a favor."
My world began fall apart.
"Jan Di, don't you have to protect me from your womanizer friends?" I asked in disbelief. What was all that about?
"Come on. We both know that you are off limits for him."
" Is that so , cause I have already been dumped by his best friend, right? That makes me off limits? Oh my god I said dumped again as if we had a thing for god's sake!"
Jan Di sighed uneasily and tried to change the mood.
" Well, it was his own jerkiness to leave for Sweden so selfishly, which proves us that he is definitely not your soulmate."
" What so ever, like I cared," I bit my lips softly to gain the strength to continue. "Let me repeat. I do not want anything about F4 in my life. Seriously Jan Di where exactly you have difficulties in this sentence?"
" Ga Eul- ah..."
"Look I know, OK? They are your close friends but that doesn't mean I gotta be friends with them. F4 is unwanted in my life." after taking a deep breath, I added "...or F4 except Jun Pyo Sunbae."
Basically; Jan Di probably hadn't meant upset me, tho' hadn't wanted me to stay at home all alone on Christmas night either, what a confusing dilemma for my caring friend. Well, only if she could be thoughtful enough to let me take my own decision.
" Plus, let's forget about me not wishing to go see F4, why would Woo Bin Sunbae wanna spend Christmas with me, doesn't he have his own plans, like partying with thousands of girls?" I felt very proud of my question, it could be easy to persuade him and ditch Jandi.
I mean, a member of legendary F4, going to a commoner party, with a commoner girl was unusual, but going that party on Christmas night sounded really, really weird. Come to think of it, I didn't have anything personal against Song Woo Bin, it was unavoidable that he was one definitely nice, handsome and funny guy, going anywhere with him would be fun. But my current mood wasn't strong enough to deal with another playboy, not yet... not even for a single night.
" Yeah, that's the good part my dear friend, he has his own plans."
"Huh?" I blinked my eyes few times. So he had his own plans, Jan Di asked and he rejected and happily ever after?
" We've already agreed on it, you'll first go to your college party, then his family's. Isn't it great so you'll also return his favor by accompanying him! Totally fair, nothing stays unsolved."Jan Di explained cheerfully.
"Wait, wha-?"
"Oh, Ga Eul I gotta go the door bell..." she was obviously ignoring my backlashes. "See you soon, OK?"
"No wait a second, I di-" I tried to protest but failed by being hung up on. " - dn't agreed on it yet!" my sentence ended whispering. Seriously that much F4 crab was more than enough! I sighed a big time and put my hands upon my face praying to disappear under them.
Let's admit it; being the empathizing person I was, I actually understood how she felt and it would be way too unfair to blame her blindfolded.
One simple word to describe~ Guilty.
She regretted causing me meet So Yi Jeong and was trying to make it up with her own ways,or more like Jun Pyo Sunbae's ways, which were basically consisting of the "Never-Leave-Ga-Eul-Alone" plan. There was a time that I had started to get really worried, afraid that she would try to arrange blind dates or something like an annoying mother. Luckily, she couldn't find time to go that far after me realizing no guy worth destroying my life.
To be honest, now when I turn back and take a look at the past, it's pretty much clear that my love had eventually left a remarkable part of its place to plain obsession. I was being an idiot, wanting all of him to be mine, to become a part of me. I had even tried to learn and remember every single detail about him. Strangely, as the time passed, it proved me the opposite. No could do that, nothing managed to stay in human memory so perfectly, everything flew away. All of it happened so fast, passed right in front of my eyes, began to get erased when I thought I had finally caught it up. He came up with different characters just when I had started to understand the old him. New ones appeared, only to disappear one after another. Now, all that's left was blurriness, a beautiful or simply a sorrowful blurriness. Other than that; his smile, his voice, his face all had gotten lost. Probably they weren't real for me right from the beginning, had already gone missing before I could touch.
Long story short, the results of my blind actions were hurt and disappointment, to no one but myself. Yi Jeong Sunbae had moved on easily and I was the one who had been left behind. Well, it was what I deserved, for aiming too high, for putting an eye on someone who wouldn't bother to feel the same things back, tho' apparently I had realized it a little bit late . Only when he completely left.
The day I found his atelier totally empty.
First thing appeared in my mind was that I wouldn't, couldn't ever get to have him. It was time to give him up. Guess, amongst everything that had happened during those years, including the time he had dared to offer me to his very own father; accepting failure was the hardest. Till that moment I had always lived in delusion, believing that we would be together sooner or later. However, his long disappearance meant he was never going to return, ever. For the first time in my life; I felt hopeless, entirely in darkness.
Just as expected after being stuck in emptiness for a while, I decided to follow the opposite way I used to be and stopped being the good girl. His first love had hurt him, he had gotten even by hurting me and I presumed I needed to hurt some guy. Though,unfortunately I was not that material, being a player lasted only few months and five boyfriends for me. Perhaps, I was just too nice to be one ...
...or too weak.
That winter was most probably the whitest winter Seoul ever saw. Everywhere was covered with crystal like snow and the city had a magical Christmas aura. Slowing my steps, I started to listen the early new year songs coming from several stores. Well, it was still the 29th of December but, obviously everyone except me was just too excited about the upcoming year.
I gasped while my eyes roved around the street. Winter nights were just ~ fairy. Everything looked too unreal, too beautiful; so much that you thought all of this was indeed an enchanting dream. Still, despite of its glamor, the coldness lying behind those white cottons, woke me up mercilessly.
I was 15 when I was forced to see the dark side of those beautifulness. One of my friend's older brother whom I also had a huge crush on, was escorting me home after our usual late night homework séance. We had been silent for so long that I had wanted to end the awkwardness by trying to start a conversation about the easiest topic.
Right, the weather.
I began to talk about how beautiful winter was and how I wished for more snow, enough to cause a school closure for few days; only to get a sarcastic answer blaming me for being too careless and not thinking about homeless people, who were forced to live outside in that freezing air. Few days later, after he blamed me once again, this time for wasting water by showering too much, I saw that he was one exaggeratively worried guy and ended my crush right away, forever.
Yet, his exaggeration cost me a lot. I was no longer able to enjoy the winter as much as before.
Letting out a disappointed sigh, I squeezed my eyes shut and chased the images of trembling little children away from my mind. Did you ever heard of people say when you block one of your 5 senses, the other four get stronger? Seemingly, that was true. As my eyelids covered my eyes, I felt the billions of cold knifes stabbing me all over my body and opened my eyes and rubbing my hands together, man it was cold.
"Need a ride?" a hoarse voice brought me back to reality.
"Woo Bin Sunbae!"
"Ga Eul long time no see..." Song Woo Bin my unwanted soon-to-be-party-partner was standing there, watching me with an amused grin on his face. ".. you seem to have cold, let me drive you home." Yeah, right
"No, no it's okay Sunbae, you don't need to, I'm fine." I reassured him cheerfully, last thing I wanted was having an uneasily silent half hour with him, avoiding any eye connection and crawling not to ask about Yi Jeong Sunbae.
"Come on." he literally dragged me into his car. "Do you wanna ruin my reputation? What happens if someone sees me leaving a such beautiful young lady alone in cold, this late?"
I blushed at his compliment but then sharply reminded myself that it was his usual behaviors towards any female living species. Yet, it couldn't keep me from feeling warm inside strangely.
"So how have you been?" he asked his eyes completely fixed on the road. So fixed that, I wondered if he would notice if I said something like 'No, actually I have been busy trying to kill myself.' But instead I mumbled an usual answer while looking at my hands as if they were the most interesting things I had ever seen.
" I've been fine, and you Sunbae?"
" Fine." he replied shortly after silently cursing the driver who had just passed us and making the car slide on ice.
Both of us suddenly fell back into muteness. Frankly speaking, that was much more disturbing than having a boring daily conversation, therefore I decided to take the control, but the was faster.
"Thanks for accompanying me to the party Gaeul." My jaw dropped. Not because he had said my imaginary line mot-a-mot; but because The Song Woo Bin, The Can-get-any-woman-any-time Song Woo Bin had he just thanked me for accompanying him.
"No, no I should be thanking, since you are willing to spend your Christmas with me." I replied completely annoyed; and added "even if I didn't ask for it" in my mind. He chuckled after a while.
"You know your face says the opposite."
I put on a warm smile.
"Of course not Sunbae, it's just that I'm a bit cold." Just great, lying without any hesitation, that couldn't be considered as a real good sign for someone like me. Maybe I just had to shut up.
"We are here, my lady." he broke the deathly silence after five minutes. I thanked him getting out of the car then bowed with a grateful smile.
"One more thing, I'll send you a dress so don't think about it, OK?" I bowed again.
All my intentions had failed in his sincere smile, I was stuck, I had to give it up and accede to go to those parties, nothing had left.
…. besides convincing him that Christmas with me was the worst idea ever.
|| 31th December ||
"Ohhhm..." I faked a cough and bit my lips fighting hard against the the incredible rush to laugh.
"Ga Eul do we really have to wear these ~ things? " he asked, obviously trying not to sound rude.
OK, from now on, no could ever dare to claim that I was a person without any sparkle of imagination. I mean what kind of dress would you dream of when you were going to a costume party? To a costume couple party actually...
Maybe a Prince and Princess ~ Royal Couple, maybe some Greek Gods or even two Evil Pirates, right? What ever it is, it would certainly be better than ours ~ an amazing Sailor Moon and Male Luna costume.
"I'm so sorry Sunbae. I just wanted something original" I smiled angelically while fixing his cat tail and wondering how come he had managed to look cool in this suit. "Yeah we are ready. Let's go in."
" Why Luna? Why not Mamoru? We are a couple, if you are the princess I need to be the prince. Then why the Servant !? " he nagged irritated.
"They were out of it. So I just thought Luna would b ~ Wait a sec, Sunbae? You know Mamoru? You know Luna? Don't tell me you watch Sailor Moon."
He moved uneasily trying to hide his reddish cheeks. " My sisters do. I don't."
" Oh, OK." I smiled at his surprising silliness matter-of-factly, to show that I hadn't believe one bit.
"I can't believe I'm doing it" Woo Bin Sunbae continued to mumble under his breath and took a step in. Who knew, this guy here, who claimed to be Mr. Party Killer of Seoul, or more like Asia, had never been in a costumed party.
"So we don't wear masks?" I heard him ask which caused me to roll my eyes.
"No we won't. Sunbae this is NOT a masked ball. Let's go just go. " I dropped my head helplessly, some people couldn't really get the difference between the two worlds.
"Your word, my order." he grabbed my hand cheesily, still, managed to attract all attention of the girls in the huge bar. From the corner of my eyes I caught him winking an Ahjumma dressed as Snow White, dancing in the middle. Guess, what they told about him, hanging out with older woman, was true after all. Somehow the idea disgust me so much that I freed my hand from his with a sharp gesture. He turned his glarses at me, thus, our eyes met.
"Sorry, I kinda knew her." he explained apologetically. They knew each other? What a surprise. "Well, we had met in a club." he went on even more surprisingly.
"Oh, I see." I whispered half hearted. Okay, he was interested in older woman, so what? That shouldn't have upset me, why would it anyways?
"You know these clothes are somehow cool." He made an act to change the subject, confusing me more and more. Weren't we just complaining about them. " I mean look at that guy. He wears a chicken costume?"
"Chicken?" I nearly chocked and turned to see who he was talking about, accepting his move gladly to end the crankiness.
"Sunbae that's The Rooster!" I exclaimed trying hard to stop the laughs forcing my throat. " Foghorn Leghorn? Cartoons? Looney Tunes?" I asked with disbelief. How could someone didn't recognize Foghorn?
"Looney Tunes? I know Bugs Bunny." Just for a second I tried to imagine him in Bunny costume, Prince Song VS. Bugs? God, that would worth watching. A small chuckle escaped from my hardened lips, making him to retake my hand still glaring.
"Hmm?" I asked raising my eyebrow puzzled.
" I'm asking you for a dance here, Sunshine. Are you listening to me?"
I nodded and put on a soft smile as he guided us to the center of the gazes. In fact it felt so uncomfortable. I gulped. The old me should already have lowered her eyes tho' that was the last thing I would do right now. Erasing your unwanted memories meant erasing the reason of your mistakes. It meant change. Therefore I needed to be braver, to show that I was willing to change.
I took a step forward and returned the jealous glares of the crowd with my sincerely smiling ones. It was easier than I thought. Nay, it was fun.
" I saw that." Woo Bin Sunbae whispered slowly after we literally hugged each other in order to move along with the rhythm.
" Yes?"
" What was with that glares. Man, women are sure scary."
I giggled, even the famous Prince Song was afraid of women. Well he was pretty much right, more than one could ever imagine.
"They are just ~ " my own words held me back for a while, making me remember their true owner. " ~ the type of girl I dislike the most."
"Wah, sunshine I didn't know you hated other women."
I rolled my eyes, there were tones of stuff he didn't know about me, yet hating other women wasn't one of them.
" I don't. Hate, it's such a strong feeling, too strong indeed ."
He stopped and stared at me until I lifted my head annoyed.
"Guess it is." his words were spoken with the softest tone I had ever heard from him. It was like they both desperately meant and despised the meaning. I had to admit. Song Woo Bin, definitely had his own mysteries, but this time I was determined not to dig them deep.
"Are you cold?" I opened my eyes and let my lips curve into a light smile. For the son of a Mafia Leader, he was too kind, probably the kindest of his genre. I wondered how all members of F4 managed to worry about the girl besides them that much.
"No, not at all."
"Your hands don't seem to agree with you, sunshine." He smirked at my blushing cheeks and took my cold hands into his ones despite of my hiding attack. His warm hands in winter felt like holding burning embers with your bare hands. Painful but calming at the same time.
"OK, you are not cold but I am so let me enjoy your warmth for a while."
Liar, I thought as my hands started to melt under his touch.
To be honest, I had always believed that Song Woo Bin was the most easygoing, most reckless member of F4, who didn't care anything but his fun. Yet, seemingly tonight proving me that I didn't know a single thing about him was what he had put on his mind.
" I like the winter." I cut off the long silence to end my unnecessary thoughts of him.
" I thought so, you were in the balcony for all night." he replied after a while, showing me that I was easy to read.
" Did it bother you?"
" No... I like it's silence."
I nodded in agreement and didn't try to start a conversation again. In the middle of the last cold December night, we stood there and listened the voices whispering to us, silently.
"It's ten ." I turned back at him surprised to hear his voice after a long speechless while. "We gotta go."
"I see... where do we change our clothes?" My voice had sounded a bit more disappointed than I wanted it to be. Eventho' it had only been an hour of bearing those envious glares, before getting out to the balcony in the first opportunity, I was sickened enough. Staying up there and enjoying each others silent company was absolutely better than putting on a fake smile, trying to make people believe that we were more than we seemed to be. And now he was standing there and telling me to get back at bearing that torture. I mentally sighed. Eventho' I didn't wanted to accept, it was too obvious that I had childishly hoped him turn into tonight's Prince Charming and fulfill my Christmas wish.
"Is there a problem, sweety?"
" No, at all." I lied faking a happy smile. He didn't needed to know my unwillingness. At least one could enjoy the night.
" Ga Eul...." he nervously tapped his fingers on the railings. " You know, erm, are you okay with going to my parents party?"
I lifted my head, his voice had sounded way too understanding. Apparently even if I hadn't wanted to leave such an impression, he still was aware of my uneasiness.
" Of course Sunbae. You helped me, I'll help you and we'll be even."
" So you'll do whatever I want." I squinted.
" Yeah, you could say that way." Great, this conversation wasn't seem to end well. One moment he acted like he was enjoying the night with me, but almost immediately banality that, he was asking me to go back. His behaviors were just confusing me. I hoped he wouldn't ask me to pretend being his girlfriend., or worse fiancé.
" Then, actually I thought maybe..." he sighed staring at outside. ".. you know you don't have to force yourself. I mean we don't have to go."
" Wait a minute, you mean ~ asking me if I was OK with it, were you implying on not going there?"
He frowned.
"You don't wanna go?"
" You could say that."
" Do you have other plans, is that why you agreed on going with me?" I asked a little bit irritated, wondering if every single F4 member was seeing me as someone they could use to get rid of things they didn't wanna do. But on the other hand, if he did wanted to ditch me here and go elsewhere I couldn't have my dreamy Christmas. Plus, by giving him what he wanted we would still be even.
" Not exactly sunshine."
" Then? What do you mean Sunbae?" I asked dumbfounded. He didn't mean that way, nor the other; so what did he want?
" Long story short, I wanted to see what a commoner Christmas looked like, you know the one with the Christmas tree and red funny hats and ~ tombola? Maybe?" My eyes grew bigger, one thing that couldn't animate before my eyes was Son Woo Bin singing happy Noel songs, and the second was Son Woo Bin singing happy Noel songs with a red Santa hat.
"Sunbae are you sure? I mean you don't need to spend your Christmas with me you know."
" I don't have to. But I think that will be...", he paused for a second as is he was searching for the right word to describe, ".. entertaining."
" Entertaining?"
He grinned.
"Sunbae?" I looked into his eyes to see his real motives, had he problems with his family, maybe he really did have an affair with a married woman as they had been telling about him. I opened my mouth to ask but then snapped myself remembering my previous decision of not poking my nose into someone else's business.
"Actually that's the best idea I've heard for a while." His grin grew wider making me wonder if he ever get tired of smiling, if he also had a lonely sad part.
" I knew you'd agree." I smiled as he dragged me out of the bar to get into his car. He looked overjoyed, like that was what he planned to do all along, which somehow bugged me. I felt the same old feeling of being used all over my body and something inside me wanted to make things difficult for him as well.
"Sunbae, I thought you wanted to spend it like a commoner, commoners don't ride expensive cars."
He looked at me lost, then, surprisingly his eyes softened slowly.
"As you wish, Sunshine. Let's go then."
I nodded annoyed that he didn't even bother to argue back. Looked like Jandi was right all along, Song Woo Bin was the nice one; meant whatever you do, whatever you say it wouldn't manage piss him off. Maybe he would just get bored and give up a while after, but seeing him angry or jealous was just impossible for a woman. It wasn't even worth trying.
"Sunbae! Can we ~ just ~ slow down ~ a little bit?! " I asked panting. In the middle of the Christmas night we were crazily running from a store to another when the rest of the humanity seemed to enjoy it.
" No. We gotta hurry. It's getting late."
" I know, I know but I'm ~ about ~ to ~ die!" I replied sarcastically just before bumping against his back.
"Ow! Why did you stop?!"
" I thought you asked me to stop."
" I did but, you shouldn't have. Ow, my nose hurts."
He looked at me puzzled, yeah I also knew I was being unreasonable but I couldn't help it. Probably he already had reached his limit and was about to ditch me right there. Even I was sick of my little nagging game. But the thing is I wasn't sure if that was what I wanted anymore.
" Sorry, Sunshine.."
" Huh?"
" I said sorry." My jaw dropped. Seriously didn't he have a limit? Just how far was it?
" Oh. It's ~ it's okay."
" Then should we sit for a while?"
" No. It's okay." I smiled slowly, he was too gentle to get angry. Truthfully despite of his playful image, he was behaving so mature and caring, enough for me to feel childish beside him.
" You sure?"
" Yeah Sunbae, thank you but we should hurry, right? Let's go." I started walk into a supermarket and grabbed a basket.
" Hmm, I think we should buy some chips and some chocolate, god Christmas with out chocolate is a waste ~ and then ~ I think there was no coffee left at home either. And ice cream, too. I remember finishing it. Sunbae which flavor do you like? " I turned my in order to ask him to choose one between my favorites but he was just standing there staring at me with an odd expression.
" Uhm, Sunbae ~ ice cream?" I waved the boxes to get his attention.
" You are limping."
"Eh?"
"We just bought new clothes I thought they were comfortable." He questioned with a worried expression.
"Uh. That. They are comfortable." I replied looking down at my new red dress and high heels.
High heels.
Pretty, right. Comfortable, not. But then again he didn't need to know every single detail. Ignoring the pain I was feeling, I stated to smile at him lightly.
Next thing I knew he was rushing towards my direction. ~ Then I was on air, then I was in the basket...
"Sunbae? What are you doing?!"
" I don't wanna hurt my reputation." He muttered under his breath.
" And having a girl in a basket doesn't hurt it?" I whispered embarrassed while hiding my face from amused glares of few other people. "Aish, it's embarrassing."
" So what flavor did you want?" He asked taking a look at the refrigerator.
"Cherry." I replied behind my hands covering my face.
He put the ice creams in the basket and started to push it slowly. Well it was sure childish, but also fun. Felt like I was five once again.
"Uhm..Sunbae?" I asked still not taking my hands off my face. " Can you push uhm you know ~ a little faster?"
He chucked and fastened the basket. Five seconds later I had taken off my hands and was laughing like crazy.
"Woah this is so fun!"
He laughed harder, pushing the basket even more faster then ever.
"Stop! Stop! Stop! There, those stars, I want them." I literally yelled pointing the shiny tree decorations. " So pretty."
" Hey, hey calm down Sunshine. We'll get them for our tree."
Our he said. Not your, not mine. Our Christmas tree. I felt a tiny little happiness sparkle in my stomach but it soon died down as I remembered who the person beside me was. Song Woo Bin, the official definition of impossible.
"Uhm. Okay." I lowered my head down and didn't look at him till I felt something heavy on my head. Even so, when I raised both my hands to take it down, the feeling suddenly disappeared.
"Sunbae?"
"Here you go, Sunshine." He winked and handed me a pair of white converses.
"What's this ?"
" Can't you see Sunshine, shoes, you know, we wear them on our feet, like socks."
" I see that." I rolled my eyes trying hard to get annoyed by him. " .. but why?"
" Do I have to recall it? Your feet hurt. Aish what an ungrateful girl, not even says thanks."
I bit bottom lip and mumbled a silent thanks. No, I couldn't let him affect me, I couldn't let him see beyond my barriers. True, I needed someone to set me free from that darkness of mine, but Song Woo Bin wasn't that man. The thing he could only be was one word. Off Limits.
"God I can't believe you did that!"
"Hey Sunshine no need to exaggerate."
I put the bags on my hand to floor and opened the door wider for him and ~ the tree.
" I am not. Sunbae admit it already, you stole it!"
" I did not. Let's just say I borrowed it, OK?"
"Yeah. Yeah."
"Tell me would they give it to me even if I had asked for?"
I shook my head to say no while trying hard not to burst into laughs.
" And it's not me who begged not to buy a living tree, claiming that it would be murder."
" Oh come on. I just said that we needed to find one which was already cut off. And it was not my fault that there were no trees left in stores."
" And that's why I borrowed one from that house, they had three. Who needs three trees? Plus Sunshine, I left money for them."
"Ok~kay." I finally gave up and showed him the living room to put that down. Normally I would have continued that argument but with him, it was pointless.
" Heavy."
" Told so." I send him an angelic smile fixing my long red Christmas hat the he had insisted to buy and went to kitchen to plce the stuff we had bought.
"So what do we do now, Sunshine?" he asked coming along with me, like a little puppy.
"Well, we got chocolate, we got chips, we got beer and wait for it we got tortured commoner emo rock. Guaranteed fun for Christmas night."
"Awesome." He winked. But then suddenly fathered as if he had not been laughing- not at all.
"Sunbae is something wrong?" Somehow I was feeling incredibly worried.
"Well, guess you are good at reading people,huh?" He smirked while sitting on a chair. "What do you see in me, I was wondering."
I turned my gazes from fridge to his face and studied his expression carefully. Just now he had sounded so different, as cold as The Ice Queen, which actually was good cause I had stared to doubt if he was for real or not. Seeing his attitude, I decided to give him what he wanted.
" You hide behind those happy-go-lucky postures. And you make jokes because you are afraid to take anything seriously. Because if you take things seriously they matter, and if they matter..."
"... then when things go wrong, I get hurt. I'm not tough, I'm vulnerable. Is that what you are trying to say?"
His eyes were shining with amused gleams. As if he wasn't annoyed right from the beginning or as if he had wanted me to say those harsh words to prove me something. I felt like a little puppet he had fun playing with.
"I barely know you. And I don't know if I am right. I just hope I am. Because the alternative, you really are as confusing as you seem to be."
" So basically I am confusing, huh?"
"Guess you are." I cut it off, to be honest I never liked those kind of conversations. People always wondered my opinions so I told them. Then once again, right, it was true that I was interested in learning other people's inside worlds but when things started to get complicated, I got bored easily. Problematic, pessimistic people reminded me of him.
"So what time is it?"
He stared at me for a short while then answered with an understanding smile.
"Almost eleven."
"Then why don't we head inside Sunbae, I thought you wanted to celebrate the new year, not to discuss our pathetic inner selves ."
"Definitely."
Following him to the living room, I threw myself on the couch and turned on the TV. When I celebrated the new year with my family, we always watched some stupid programs and played games. So games should do a nice beginning for the rest of the night.
"So let's play something, Sunbae ?" I offered feeling uneasy all of a sudden. Actually strange thing was how come I had been so comfortable just a while ago, I mean just from where you looked at it, I was alone with Mr. So Famous Don Juan, greeting 2010 together? This was definitely bizarre.
"Sure." He sat next to me and started to zap between different channels.
"Uhm, then let's play Truth or dare?"
"Nice idea but we are only two people here sunshine." Yeah, I thought, one more reason to wish Jan Di was here.
"Then, well uhm~" cutting me off, he sharply turned me and smiled slyly sending shivers down at my back.
" We should play Truth and Dare.." didn't he just said we couldn't, I wondered. " ...but with out the dare part, we'll ask random questions and the one who can't tell the truth will receive a punishment."
"What kind of punishment?"
"Haven't decided yet and also we can count the points and choose a winner."
"Winner? Sounds fun! Then that's the award?"
"Haven't decided yet." He rolled his eyes. So he had came up with an idea and had no plans for the next step, so Song Woo Bin like. "Are you in?"
"Most definitely." I sent him treating glares.
"Let's get started, Sunshine." he took the remote control and spun it. Well, I thought bottles for this were there for that.
"Ready?" I held my breath and watched the remote with my concentrated eyes. It turned and turned and turned than stopped in front of me.
"Damn." I muttered between my teeth and looked him expecting an extremely personal question. At least, that was what I'd do.
"Are you leaving alone?"
"Yeah." I answered my mouth wide open, were we going to play it like that whole night?
"Why?"
"That makes two questions Sunbae." He frowned spinning the remote once more which gave me an opportunity to ask my questions, but since he was kind to me I decided not be too harsh at the very beginning.
"Have any brothers or sisters?"
"Sisters, twins." He answered spinning.
Five minutes we were bored from spinning and had started to ask questions haphazardly, well, that was after I showed him a three bear dance and he rapped Big Bang's newest song in slow motion.
" What did you think at the very first time Jun Pyo Sunbae admitted that he liked Jan Di?"
" I already knew it so I thought: Finally Man! "
"How did you reacted when you learned Jan Di liked you know ~ someone richer?"
" I thought she liked Ji Hoo Sunbae so I tried to convince her to think once again."
"Why didn't you go try studying something you liked, I heard you were very good at drawing."
"Family business ."
"Oh."
"Why do you have a cello in your house?"
" I used to play it actually I still do."
"So why don't you studying classical music?"
" I did actually, I went conservatory during high school."
"You did?"
"Yeah to after school and weekend courses."
" I wonder why Yi Jeong didn't tell me about this." he whispered tho' I managed to hear him.
" I don't think he knew anything personal about me." It sounded cruel but I had gotten it long ago so those facts couldn't really hurt me anymore.
" Uhm, then... Do you play any instrument?"
" I played bas guitar during middle school."
"Did you drop it?"
" I stopped taking classes but kinda improved by myself."
"Why do you leave alone?" His question caught me unawares. In past no matter whoever asked this question I had chosen to lie, but lying was not actually my thing. It cost me minimum an hour of unbearable guiltiness.
" I didn't wanted to live with my parents anymore."
"Why is that?" I intervened, actually was hoping him not to dig anymore.
"Isn't it my turn?"
"We weren't counting it recently."
" I missed the remote control."
" Why did you want to live alone?"
" It's my turn."
"No it's not. Do you want a punishment?" He winked.
" Arg, Sunbae! Well I can't say we had the happiest family life, OK?"
" Huh?" Guess my honest answer had surprised him, even I didn't know why had I decided to be honest with him all of a sudden. Him of all people.
" Uhm... My parents argued a lot. Each second frankly. They were really creative people you know.." I tried to curl my lips into a smile, ".. I mean who can have an argument about the shape of the dining table?"
"Sorry." He muttered, yet my unexpected honesty had already placed new question marks into his eyes. Scariest thing is for some unfathomable reason I sensed what he wanted know, but didn't ask cause of his over politeness.
"That's why I was obsessed with the soulmate thingie. I believed there had to be a perfect person for you, someone you love no matter what, someone you can't stop understanding. And if there was a such person for me, I had to find him."
I lowered my head after realizing I had just shared the most untold, most humiliating memories of my childhood with someone I shouldn't have. He was the number one guy I had to be careful with, he was the one I shouldn't have trusted, shouldn't have let in. He was everything I was afraid of yet he was the only one there.
I shook my head and took another slip from my beer trying to convince myself that it was alcohol what had affected me. And he ~ just stared at me.
Song Woo Bin was eying me for at least ten minutes that it had started to feel uneasy. Meantime I studied my wallpapers counting the number of little fishes on them, which I had already memorized. Then watched the hand of the clock and wrote a song from the tick tocks, then played Debussy's cello sonata on mind. He just didn't say a word nor tried the change the mood with a lame joke. I waited and waited and waited just for him to react in any way, maybe I sought for a comfort or a little fake concern. But all he had been doing was remaining silent.
"Uhm.. so well Sunbae what is your family like?"
"Strange." He answered with a simple word without removing his eyes off of my face.
"How so?"
"My sisters are too childish and my mom has no difference, and my dad simply spoils them."
"And you?"
" I think I'm the main reason why they are so spoon-fed."
" I see." My mind kept telling me to continue speaking but I was literally out of words. Time just had stopped flying off and didn't show any interest in fastening.
"Since when are you leaving alone?"
"Uhm.. almost a year." I answered uncomfortably, ignoring the hole growing inside, attempting to warn me; too personal.
" Are you leaving with your family, Sunbae?"
" Yeah. My sisters won't let me go."
" Now, I'm curious about them."
" You should meet." he confidently smiled, yet his last words had already send a second warning to me, way too close...
" Hmm." I nodded. We still had thirty minutes left to the new year. I jumped out of no where. New Year! How come I had forgotten, that was why we were here, together.
"Sunbae!"
"What's the matter?!" he looked around with a startled expression, apparently affected by my sudden outcome.
" Christmas tree! We totally forgot about it!"
"Yah, silly girl! I thought something serious had happen." he sat back to his seat.
"This is serious. Did you ever heard or seen a naked Christmas tree?! We have to decorate it!" I argued back taking the ribbons, angels and balls out of the bags. Finally I also took my stars and threw the last item in the bags, which happened to be our long forgotten tombola, at him. " Come and help me."
" Is this how you speak to your Sunbae?" he asked playfully.
".. please" I weakly muttered between my teeth.
" Way better."
"Sunbae come on. You can't say you had your very own tree unless you decorate it yourself. Don't be a couch potato."
" Alright." he faked an hurt expression and turned on the music before coming next to me, at last. "Music's good for your soul, Sunshine."
I smiled sheepishly wondering how come the most cheesy words sounded way more charismatic when it was him.
"Yah, yah, yah Sunbae! Put that star on the top. That's why I bought it."
" The angel is prettier." he objected while putting the star away.
" I hate it." I lied.
" You hate nothing, hate is a strong word remember?" he continued teasing me with a mischievous smile.
" Argh, I hate you!"
" No, you don't; and if you don't want me to prove you the opposite tell me now, Angel or Star?"
"Fine, angel..." I gave up as his face lit up like a three years old child immediately.
"Done." he chuckled and tugged my head. " Cause you know angels are prettier than stars." I nodded silently while sending apologetic glares to my poor star.
"Hey! Frowning people are annoying, put on a smile, Sunshine." I turned my face back at him and forced my lips into a crooked smile.
"Way better." he reached for the remote but I took it before him after flopping on the couch.
"How many minutes left?"
"Ten."
"How come? It was an hour five minutes ago." he asked, his eyes dancing all over the room. For some reason he was acting much more relaxed and easygoing which also eventually had made me behave so carefree.
"Then Sunbae you wanna eat some popcorn?" I offered clapping my hands together. Popcorn was a necessity in fun section. Having fun with no popcorns was like visiting Italy without eating pasta.
"Can you make it on time?" his eyes twinkled, daring me to.
"Of course!" I jumped out of the couch and ran back at kitchen. But popcorns were left by the door so I had to run and retake them while Song Woo Bin was busy watching me immensely amused,pretending like I was his personal Christmas clown.
"Five minutes left!" He shouted from the other side. I turned on the machine and started to wait impatiently. 250 seconds left, 230 seconds left ~ the light turned into an orange color ~ 200 seconds left, last two minutes... Finally the light turned into read and I put the popcorns into a huge plate with my hands shaking.
"What are you doing only 50 seconds left."
"What? Here take the plate." I handed him the plate and poured the salt on it.
"Man. How are we going to eat this now, Sunshine?"
" More salty, more tasty." I stupidly babbled, trying to hear the counting on the TV.
" Last ten seconds to the 2010. Ready....!"
" No!" he shouted excitedly. "Run!"
" Yah! Wait!" I ran after him.
"Six, five, four.."
He took some popcorn before putting it on the floor and lied down, which I followed by collapsing right next to him and started to laugh.
"Three,two...."
|| 11 January ||
"So you passed Woo Bin Sunbae's three dates limit,huh?" Same question for the billionth time.
"No, no,no it's not like that, we are not dating." I struggled desperately to free myself from her endless questions. It had been almost two weeks from Christmas and Jan Di was asking me the same things over and over for the past days. Just because Woo Bin Sunbae had taken me to a recital, she had complained for three days., then when she learned that I had invited him to grab something to eat, as a payback, she had lectured me till I begged for mercy. And today, it was no different than yeaterday.
"Ga Eul, who are you kidding? You met his family!" she cried out loud, as apprehensive as always.
" I did not meet his family, I met his sisters. And that was only because I am going to give them cello lessons."
" You what?"
" I'm going to teach them how to play cello, and you know it's really beneficial for me too, I'll gain money, I'll play cello and I'll practice for my future job as a kindergarten teacher."
"Lucky you ~" her intimidating glares passed through me as if they were ready to hunt me alive.
"Jan Di- ah..."
"Can't you see it GaEul, I'm only trying to protect my best friend, aren't you hurt enough? Why, why do you have to be this careless about yourself?"
" Jan Di, it's over, I got over him, So Yi Jeong, he's over don't blame yourself anymore." I plead knowing her true worries.
" And what if So Yi Jeong is over? You are done suffering cause of him and decided to open new wounds with his friend?"
" You know, we are not like that."
" Then say it! " she demanded stubbornly.
"Say what?"
"That you don't like him."
"Okay!"
" Don't okay me say it." I opened my mouth burning with a low blue flame but instead of yelling her that I didn't like him one bit, only a little gasp managed to get out of my lips, I slowly blinked my eyes feeling something shift in my chest.
" You see it now?" She lifted my head to look right into my eyes with a washed out expression on her face.
" I do not like him." I whispered slowly ignoring the miserable pain. " I can say it thousands of times."
" I don't like him. I don't like him. I don't like him." She let go of my face and smiled in a mother like way.
" I see."
" Can I leave now? Am I free?" I asked and left the café without waiting her response.
I also knew that I had associated with idea of spending time with him as if it was extremely natural. And that was way too abnormal for me. But the comfort I had been feeling was too good to relinquish. Apparently, with out my knowing he had grown essential to me in freakin two weeks. Even the idea had started to pierce my soul, bringing more tears and longing to my eyes. I took a deep breath and stared to babble hoping if I say it over and over, till it gets enough, the feeling would go away.
I don't like him.
I don't like him.
I don't like him.
I don't like him, I repeated the same sentence in each step until my feet couldn't take it anymore. Closing my eyes I gasped in need of saying it one last time. The wind smelled cold enough, the people were silent enough and my soul felt ready enough. I put on a smile and opened my eyes staring straight up the sky. Ready to let go.
" I do like him." I whispered in a stern voice.
This feeling won't go away...
I liked the way he laughed, the way he smiled as if there was nothing to be scared of, I liked how he had described me as an angel to his sisters, how he wanted to be a part of my world, how I wanted to be a part of his. I liked how he had told me that it was okay to feel happy, it was normal to feel the way I felt. I liked how he disliked talking about his problems, or any other problematic thing in the world. I liked how caring he behaved towards his family, how many different faces he wore just to amuse his sisters, how adorable he looked when he was lost in thoughts. It was simple, yet complicated. I liked him, yet, we were out of question.
Few days later, I stopped ignoring his calls and called him back wanting to meet up. I had missed him, despite of all other reason I had been trying to convince myself, the main reason was,one day I had woken up and had realized that if I didn't see him one more second, I was going to die.
After wasting half an hour to choose an appropriate outfit and matching shoes I went to the park we had agreed to meet almost twenty minutes earlier. I was wearing my prettiest pink dress along with my lucky shoes and had put on my favorite perfume, besides all the way there I had mumbled myself that it was an easy thing to do and there was only two possible consequences.
I looked up to the sky observing the shapes of clouds, that was a game I used to play a lot. Actually Jan Di had invented it when she had found me crying in a park, devastated because of our endless family arguments, when were both only four. In order to play it, you had to forget everything and dream about the world upon those clouds, where ever single thing, ever single person was happier. Then right after you were finished daydreaming, when your eyes fell on the ground once again, you would pretend that it was all better, bad things were over, and nothing mattered anymore... Surprisingly, that turned out to be my very own savior when I got bullied without her around or when someone made me cry or even when I was simply feeling down.
Feeling the soft breeze I opened my eyes, and set them down painstakingly. Everything will be okay, I'll find happiness, I'll cure myself, I'll not regret doing this, muttering silently … By the time I blinked my eyes slowly he was standing right there, with a bouquet of wildflowers in his hands. My heart jumped up and down as he came closer and closer showing me his pretty smile. The smile I wanted to be mine forever, the one I wanted to see whenever I wanted to cry, the one I had memorized wishing to remember for the rest of my life. My lips curved into a trembling smile.
God, I was so stupid, I really had came up there ready to tell my feelings for him, only thinking about myself again. I had tried my best to ignore his friendship with Yi Jeong Sunbae. I really had believed he was going to be happy with me. But now, as he kept approaching to me, I saw everything clearer. I was so,so stupid, entering between those two, I was going to wipe that smile off, I was going to lock him up in my world, taking his one away. My lips hardened. I knew it was impossible, I knew I couldn't do it. It was going to ruin everything. Seeing him right now was enough to face it.
"Sunbae..." my voice wavered. The smile on his lips froze immediately, and the joy twinkling in his eyes just a second ago left its place to sharp disappointment. My words were needless, he had seen it, he knew it.
"Why? " I bit my lips, what was the reason? What kind of question was that? Wasn't he also aware of the things between us? Didn't he know that if he was to choose being with me he was going to drown in his own sorrow.
" It's boring." I replied, as his eyes darkened with the shadow of lifelessness. He believed me, he believed what I just said, screams dinned in my mind hopelessly.
" No, what is the real reason?" he insisted. I had to be crueler, I had to tore his heart into little pieces, so much that he would have left no choice but to forget me.
" I wanted to hang out with you just because you reminded of him" I lied looking right into his eyes, " but finally I saw that you hadn't- not at all. You can't compare with him, you can't replace him. I'm sorry, I can't let go of him." tears started fall down inside me.
He was staring at me speechless, only anger written on his face.
"Then you are free to go."
"I thought so." I whispered and left him there, crying a river.
I love you but I can't even let you know. Isn't it the most senseless thing you have ever heard? Isn't it the dumbest thing you've ever heard?
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