A/N: Guess whooooooo's baaaaaack! So sorry I've been gone for so long but my schedule has lightened up so now I can write again! :D Why did I return with angst straight away? I'm not entirely. Please don't hate me! It's not that great, but I was moved to write it. As always, if you see any errors, feel free to message me!
It's been a while since the two of us talked
About a week since the day that you walked
Knowing things would never be the same
With your empty heart and mine full of pain
So explain to me, how it came to this
A stale taste sat heavily on Bucky's tongue, his eyes swollen as he takes in the empty room. The black suit that adorned his fatigued muscles seemed to suffocate him. Everything was too tight, too bright, too loud. It was all wrong. The world should not keep spinning. Life should not be moving on as if his very existence weren't crumbling around him.
Steve tries to talk to him, saying something about how he was there if Buck needed, but his kindness fell upon deaf ears. Blood pumped too loudly in his ears at the thought of returning to his room alone.
The door opens slowly, the hinges creaking as light spilled into the dim room. Metal fingers linger on the doorknob for a moment before he finally wills his feet to move forward.
Your clothes are still on the floor, things scattered amongst his own and his heart lurches heavily at the sight. He swears he can hear your laughter, feel your fingertips against his laden shoulders.
Take it back to the night we kissed
It was Dublin city on a Friday night
With vodkas and coke, I was Guinness all night
The first time Bucky ever laid eyes on you, he knew you'd snake your way into his heart. You were a confident young woman who didn't take shit from anyone. He would watch you from afar, smirking amusedly as you turned down any man who dared even glance your direction. They'd never be enough for you, he knew. Couldn't keep up, couldn't handle you.
But he could.
A thrill rushes through his veins when you immediately give into his advances, farther than any man he had seen, and asks you for a date.
You, of course, say yes.
Bucky takes you to a bar in the middle of the small town, telling you what he knows of the area and the people there. You do your best to put on your poker face and resist the suave assassin, but he charms the hell out of you. The two of you spend hours laughing and reminiscing. Before you know it the bartender is closing your tabs and telling you to wrap it up.
We were sitting with our backs against the world
Saying things that we thought but never heard
With the alcohol bubbling in your veins and the way the light catches Bucky's impossibly deep blue eyes, you find your lips against his own before you can stop yourself.
He's stunned at first, that much is obvious, stiffening for a moment before his large hands settle on your waist and pull you closer. Confidence surges through his chest along with a scalding heat and he pulls away only long enough to mumble something about a hotel and needing to get your clothes off as fast as possible before he's on you again.
The night seems to go on forever, with Bucky's impossibly large frame surging against you own in a mess of sheets, limbs, and hair. His kisses set your blood aflame, the way he moves his hips makes you body sing. When the sun crawls its way over the horizon, the two of you fall to the mattress, sated and exhausted in each other's arms.
Oh, who would have thought it would end up like this?
Where everything we talked about is gone
And the only chance we have of moving on
Is trying to take it back before it all went wrong
Your relationship is causal. The two of you decide that it's better this way, that you should not share a life together. Him being with S.H.I.E.L.D. would be unfair to you, and you being a civilian would be difficult for him. You would remain friends and find each other whenever you needed to blow off some steam. The arrangement works, happiness lasts for a while, but doubt seems to seep in everywhere you turn.
Would he just find someone else to lose his cares in? Would he fall in love with some perfect agent instead of boring old you?Would he tire of you the way you knew you could never tire of him, of his touch, his voice, his taste…
When the two of you decide to live together it's more of a split second decision, both agreeing that it would be best to help him cope with his nightly terrors. You'd shared a bed on many nights, both platonically and intimately. This would be nothing new, hell it would even be more convenient for whatever needs the two of you have. What neither of you expect is the way your feelings would blossom over the next several months. The nights spent wrapped in each other's arms pull the two of you ever closer, creating an intimacy you never experienced before.
Before the worst, before we met
Before our hearts decide
It's time to love again
Bucky professes his love on a whim, lost in the way your eyes twinkle as the two of you laugh with his team over a game of Cards Against Humanity.
You're laughing helplessly at the combination of cards in front of you, shocked but also used to the perversion of your friends. Your cheeks even begin to hurt as you all howl. Except for Bucky. No, Bucky is staring at you attentively, his eyes flickering to capture every movement you make. It's not a stare you're used to. It's nothing like the look he gives you when he's about to devour you or the look that washes over him as his face pales and terror sets in.
No, this look you can't place.
Until he speaks, that is.
"I love you." He sighs, his knuckles tracing your own. The room falls silent for a few moments as your cheeks turn red and your eyes widen. Did Bucky just say that out loud?
No, you're dreaming.
Bucky is your best friend - that you fuck on occasion - he doesn't can't have feelings for you. He's got to be joking or having an episode, or something.
But then he doesn't stutter and try to cover up his admission, he just smiles hopelessly at you and you feel your heart pounding in your throat. He leans forward quickly, pressing a quick kiss to your lips - something he never does in front of the others and repeats himself.
"I love you, Y/N."
Finally, another voice breaks the silence.
"Well, it's about damn time!" Tony huffs, claiming the winning card for himself as you lose yourself in Bucky's affections.
That night, for the first time, he doesn't fuck you. Instead, he makes love to you.
Over and over again.
Before too late, before too long
Let's try to take it back
Before it all went wrong
Bucky's empty eyes find the mattress as he lazily loosens his tie to fall into the sheets. When your smell all but envelops him, he can't help but choke back a sob, tears welling in his eyes. He rolls onto his side, fingers grazing over the soft navy sheets the two of you shared. The gold band wrapped around his silver finger glints in the sunlight that dares peak through the blackout curtains you had installed for him. Numb eyes catch the movement, fleshy fingers pulling the offending object into a soft palm. His wedding band feels heavy in his hand and if he didn't fear losing yet another part of you, he would have chucked it across the room.
There was a time, that we'd stay up all night
Best friends, yeah, talking 'til the daylight
Took the joys alongside the pain
With not much to lose but so much to gain
Your relationship with Bucky was never normal, but you wouldn't trade it for the world. From strangers, to best friends, to fuck buddies, to the greatest thing that had ever happened to the other. He was so special to you, and you to him. You saved each other, each and every day. But your love was never normal, and never perfect.
Though you would ever say it out loud, you worried.
Would he remain your Bucky, or would Hydra find another way to take him away from you.
He has his own fears as well, darkness weighs heavy on his mind - a darkness that can only be chased away by your love.
Are you hearing me? 'Cause I don't wanna miss,
That you would drift on memory bliss
It was Grafton Street on a rainy night
I was down on one knee and you were mine for life
You weren't one for PDA, or even anything remotely flashy. It was one of the many things Bucky had learned and loved about you.
So when he proposed, it was in a hotel on a rainy Autumn night after one of his missions.
He admitted he couldn't stand to live his life without you. He held you as he spoke of how you saved him when he expected everyone else to give up on him.
We were thinking we would never be apart
With your name tattooed across my heart
Oh, who would have thought it would end up like this?
Bucky stared at the hole in the wall where his fist had been just a few seconds ago. Tears flowed freely down his cheeks and he relived the greatest moments of his life - his moments with you. Moments that now left a sour taste on his tongue.
Where everything we talked about is gone
And the only chance we have of moving on
Is trying to take it back before it all went wrong
He sobbed openly, loudly, as the memories of you replayed behind his eyelids.
Then that moment crept through his subconscious and all he wanted was to reach inside of his chest and rip out his own heart.
Why?
Why did they ever accept that mission?
Before the worst, before we met
Before our hearts decide
It's time to love again
Before too late, before too long
Let's try to take it back
Before it all went wrong
If the clouds don't clear
Then we'll rise above it, we'll rise above it
Heaven's gate is so near
Come walk with me through
Just like we used to, just like we used to
He knew something was wrong the second they returned to the tower. The air was heavy and all the lights were off. When Bucky called out for Friday, she didn't answer.
His stomach fell hard as he approached your shared apartment in the tower.
The door was slightly cracked, and it was clear the lock had been broken.
"No, no, no. Y/N." Bucky chanted breathlessly as he ran as fast as he could down the hall and into the apartment.
Before him, you struggled against a huge mountain of a man who's gnarly fingers were wrapped tightly around your throat. You were bloody and bruised before Bucky's very eyes and it was clear this gorilla had gotten too many good hits on you.
Everything happened so fast, and your legs failed you as a particularly harsh blow connected with your skull. Somewhere beside you, Bucky roared and bones snapped. A few seconds later your assailant fell to his knees, neck askew and eyes lifeless and before he could fall on top of you, Bucky was shoving the body away from you roughly.
"Y/N, God, are you alright?" Bucky is frantic, eyes washing over your wounds. You open your mouth to answer but gasp instead as you find yourself choking on blood.
"B-Bucky…"
"Christ, Y/N, just hold on. You'll be ok, don't worry." His large yet gentle hands scoop you up into his arms as he kneels beside you. He calls for Steve desperately, doing his best to stop the bleeding that is soaking straight through your clothes. The familiar weight against your abdomen is anything but comforting now.
It's when the pain subsides that you know what's coming. Blood is still gushing from the multiple wounds that litter your chest, but you can't feel it anymore. Your heart lurches at the realization and in that moment you would give anything to still be able to feel that pain, to feel the life that you know is slowly fleeing your body.
"James," You murmur, a weak hand coming up to cup his strong, handsome jaw. "James, baby, it's ok." You coo, wiping at the tears streaming down his face. By the look that washes through his heartbroken eyes, you know you sound too calm to actually comfort him.
"No, Y/N, I can't lose you, Doll. You're my whole world."
"And you're mine. Baby, I'll be ok." You whisper, pulling him closer with as much strength as you can muster. It isn't much, but Bucky leans in none the less and rests his forehead against your own. Somewhere behind you, Steve's heavy footprints approach with Nat's much lighter ones only a few paces behind. When they take in the sight before them, Sergeant Barnes a crumbled heap cradling his now crippled fiancé, their pace slows.
"Doll, We'll get Tony or Dr. Cho. You'll be ok. You're not going anywhere, ok? Not without me."
"Bucky," Natasha sighs and if you didn't know any better you'd say you could hear tears choking her normally calm voice. Beside her, Steve's hand finds her shoulder and he shakes his head slowly. You all know what's coming, know there's no way you could make it now.
You're going to die.
"Bucky, marry me." You whisper against his skin. He chuckles, the sound humorless and broken.
"Didn't I already ask you that, doll? We can wait, the ceremony's tomorrow. You're going to be ok. We'll get married tomorrow."
"James, I'm not going to make it. But God help me if I don't meet my maker as a Barnes." Tears mix with dried and fresh blood on both of your faces as Bucky searches your eyes. When he sees that the light he fell in love with in their depths is fading, he reaches into his pocket, pulling out his wedding band.
Without a word, he places the cool metal in your hand and traces the engagement ring around your finger.
"James Buchanan Barnes, you are the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. I can't imagine a life without you, and I wouldn't trade a single second that we've had together for anything. You're my heart, Bucky. These aren't exactly the vows or circumstances I was expecting, but God help me I promise to love you for the rest of my life. I promise to love you until the end of time."
"Y/N Y/L/N, I promise to love you and only you for the rest of my life. I promise to worship you like the queen that you are, to listen to you even when we're angry, hell, I even promise to do the dishes every day and to make sure I put the seat down." When you laugh, your abdomen flutters painfully. "You're worth everything I've ever had to go through, Y/N. I can look back on all of those years and know that it was worth it because I got to meet you. I got to marry you. You're the woman of my dreams. Y/N Barnes, I've never loved another person more than I love you."
You're smiling through his whole speech, sliding the ring onto his finger, giving him your engagement ring for him to do the same.
"I'm so glad to have met you, B-Bucky." Your breathing slows, labored now. That's when the fear sets in. "Ja-James." You whisper desperately, weak fingers clutching to his shirt. You didn't want to leave him. You didn't want to be without him. "James, I'm scared." You sob.
"You're going to be just fine, Doll. Stay with me." He reassures you, tugging you tightly into his massive arms. "I've got you. I've got you."
"I love you, James…"
"I love you more, Y/N." Bucky replies.
A beat passes.
"Y/N?"
Before the worst, before we met
Before our hearts decide
It's time to love again
The air in the room seems to flee as Bucky looks down at the woman in his arms, the woman who is his whole world.
Steve is the first one to speak, but Bucky doesn't hear it.
He doesn't move for a long while, not until they're pulling you from his arms.
It's all a blur then.
He doesn't live the next few days, not really.
Just watches them go by as he spends the hours numb in bed, or toying with his ring.
Before too late, before too long
Let's try to take it back
Before it all went wrong
To say the last few days had been agonizing would be a gross understatement. You were gone, and Bucky could only blame himself. If it hadn't been for him, you would still be alive. Would probably be married to some perfect man with children. You could've lived a long, normal life, but instead, you had died because he couldn't protect you.
He wished he could take it all back. Wished he could go back and never introduce himself that night that he fell absolutely head over heels for you. He could take not being able to hold you and not being able to love you if it just meant you could be alive. He would much rather live alone and let you be happy with someone else besides him,
Let's try to take it back
Before it all went wrong
A few days later, he stands above the open ground, adorned in his wedding tux, holding the bouquet your mother had designed for the wedding as she sobs across the grave from him.
He smiles sadly at the pristine flowers, and when Steve places a strong hand on his shoulder he tosses them in where they belong.
With you.
The day of the wedding had come and gone, but instead of taking you into his arms and promising his life to yours, he's forced to lower you into the ground and say goodbye forever.