Author's note: This was inspired by Will-Write-For-Pocky's parody of Star Wars: A New Hope and Empire Strikes Back (both were removed from the site, but the first chapter of Empire Strikes Back is back). But while writing ANH, he stated he wasn't going to do the prequel trilogy (Episode 1, 2, 3). So, I will write the episodes for you.
Another author's note: I know what I'm doing with the character assignments. Some are made to fit Episode 2 (Strong Bad as Obi-Wan, Homestar as Anakin). Some are the same as WWFP's Star Wars parodies (Strong Sad as C3-P0, Homsar as R2-D2). Some are for comedy (Strong Mad as Mace Windu). And some will change, probably for Episode 3.
Another author's note: For the love of Pete, PLEASE don't spoil what will happen later on in Episode 1 and what will happen in Episode 2 or 3. Yes, I do know who Darth Sidious is, so don't put who you think he is in your reviews.
HOMESTAR WARS
Episode I
The Phantom Menace, Whatever that Means
Characters:
Qui-Gon Jinn: Coach Z
Obi-Wan Kenobi: Strong Bad
Captain: So and So
Pilot: No I in Team guy
Nute Gunray: Blue Laser
TC-14: Robot (from Homestar Enters the Strongest Man in the World Contest) (TC-14)
Nute Gunray's assistants: Blue Laser Minions
Darth Sidious: ? (Darth Sidious)
Queen Amidala: Queen Marzipala (described later)
Padme: Marzipan
Senator Palpatine: Homeschool
Battle droids: Battle droids
Droideka: Droideka
Captain Panaka: Man with Huge Mouth (Captain Mouth)
Bibble: Mr. Bland
Jar Jar Binks: Reynold
General Tarpals: Gunhaver
Boss Nass: Flashfight
The fishes: Eyeless fish beast, Deep-Sea Fanglerfish, Crap on Strings (underwater version), and Trogdor (underwater version)
Ric Olie: Senor
R2-D2: Homsar
Darth Maul: Stickly-Man (Darth Stick)
Watto: The Cheat
Anakin Skywalker: Homestar
Vendor: Bubs
Sebulba: The Sneak
Shmi Skywalker: Girl from Dancing Bubs game (Unnamed) (She's not really Homestar's mom. Only in this movie, and the next)
C3-P0: Strong Sad
Anakin's friends: Frank Bennedetto, the painting of the Man with the Big Knife, and Fat Dudley
Kitster: 1936 Homestar
Fode/Beed: The Announcer
Jabba the Hutt: Da Huuuuuudge
Jabba's servant: The King of Town
Chancellor Valorum: The Prince of Town (a.k.a. Princey)
Mace Windu: Strong Mad
Yoda: Pom Pom
Bravo 2: Larry from Limozeen
Bravo 3: Cheerleader
Bravo Never made it to Space: Gary from Limozeen
Other characters: Other characters
A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away….
HOMESTAR WARS
Episode I
THE PHANTOM MENACE, WHATEVER THAT MEANS
"Turmoil has engulfed the Galactic Republic. The taxation of trade routes to outlaying star systems is in dispute. Hoping to resolve the matter with a blockade of deadly battleships, the greedy Trade Federation has stopped all shipping to the small planet of Naboo.
While the congress of the Republic endlessly debates this alarming chain of events, the Supreme Chancellor has secretly dispatched two Jedi Knights, the guardians of peace and justice in the galaxy, to settle the conflict....."
Chapter 1 – The Invasion is about to Begin
Outside of Naboo and near the armada of Trade Federation battleships, a ship was flying towards a battleship fairly larger than the other ones, which contained Blue Laser, the viceroy of the Trade Ferderation.
"Corptain?" asked one of the ambassadors.
"Yes sir?" asked the captain.
"Tell them we want to boored at once," ordered the ambassador.
"Okay," replied the captain as she looked at the view screen, revealing Blue Laser, "With all due respect blah, blah, blah, blah, the ambassadors of the Supreme Chancellors want to board at once."
"OKAY! SINCE OUR BLOCKADE IS LEGAL, IT'S OKAY! WE'D BE DELIGHTED TO HAVE THE WHOEVERS!" screeched Blue Laser.
So, the Republican ship landed in the battleship. Battle droids and spider-like droids who were supposed to be ships looked at the new Republican ship that arrived. Then the two hooded ambassadors, one tall, one short, exited the ship and were led to the conference room by TC-14.
"I'm TC-14, and I hope you'll be comfortable in here. My master will be with you shortly," said TC-14 as the robot bowed to the ambassadors and left the room.
Then the ambassadors lowered their hoods, revealing the tall one to be Coach Z and the short one to be Strong Bad.
"I've got a bad feeling in my head somewhere, and it's not a headache," shared Strong Bad.
"I dorn't," replied Coach Z.
"But it's not here. It's, um, somewhere, um, not here," added Strong Bad.
"Don't let your mind wornder, concentrate here."
"But Pom-Pom…" began Strong Bad.
"Master Pom-Pom," corrected Coach Z.
"Right… But Master Pom-Pom said I should be mindful of the future; or something like that."
"But not now. Be morndful of the force, my young Padawan," said Coach Z.
"Ugh, I hate it when you call me that! Besides, how do you think Blue Laser will deal with the Chancellor's commands?" asked Strong Bad.
"I don't know. I hope it's short. I have to watch the cooking show in one hour," said Coach Z.
"What the crap did you say?" asked Strong Bad.
Meanwhile, in the battleship bridge, Blue Laser was talking to one of his minions.
"WHEN AND HOW ARE WE GOING TO CRUSH THE CHEAT COMMANDOS?" asked Blue Laser when TC-14 came.
"The ambassadors are Jedi Knights, sir," said TC-14.
"WHAT???" screeched Blue Laser out of astonishment.
"We've lost sir," said the Blue Laser Minion.
"NO WAY! I'LL TALK TO DARTH SIDIOUS! YOU DISTRACT THE JEDIS!" ordered Blue Laser.
"I'm not going in there sir. Send the TC-13, sir," said the Blue Laser Minion.
"IT'S TC-15!" corrected Blue Laser.
"I'm TC-14," corrected the robot.
"SHUT UP TV-16!" shouted Blue Laser.
While TC-14 served the impatient Jedi Knights with drinks and Swiss Cake Rolls, Blue Laser and his minion talked to a hologram of Darth Sidious, a hooded figure.
"Your scheme failed. The blockade's finished. It's because of the Jedi. Lord," said the Blue Laser Minion.
"Viceroy, I don't want this scum in front of my face again!" said Darth Sidious as Blue Laser kicked his minion away.
"DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEAS, MY LORD?" asked Blue Laser.
"Just accelerate our plans, Viceroy. Begin landing our troops," ordered Darth Sidious.
"IS IT LEGAL?" asked Blue Laser.
"I'll make it legal, hopefully."
"WHAT ABOUT THE JEDI?"
"Kill them, duh," ordered Darth Sidious.
"OKAY!"
In the cockpit of the Republican Cruiser in the docking bay…
"So, do you want to go out with me? I'm totally blasting!" said So and So.
"What's that?" asked No I in Team Guy as he pointed to the gun turret pointed at the cruiser.
Then the gun turret blasted the ship. BOOM'D!
In the conference room, the explosion was heard and the startled Coach Z lit his green lightsaber, making the startled TC-14 spill the drinks he was carrying, making him fry his circuits and shut down. Strong Bad was busy with the Cold Ones and Swiss Cake Rolls.
"Strong Bad, stand up," ordered Coach Z.
"After I finish these Swiss Cake Rolls," said Strong Bad as he continued eating.
Suddenly, gas began pouring through the vents.
"Gors!" exclaimed Coach Z.
"I'm one step ahead of you, maybe not," said Strong Bad as he and Coach Z held their breaths.
In a hallway outside of the conference room, a hologram of Blue Laser was talking to the battle droids.
"I HOPE THEY'RE DEAD! KILL THEIR DEAD BODIES!" ordered Blue Laser.
"Roger, roger!" said a battle droid.
Then the battle droids gathered in front of the conference room, where clouds from the gas were leaving the room. They had their weapons ready.
"Where's TC-14?" asked a battle droid, "He, or it is supposed to come out now."
"Roger, roger!" said the same battle droid who said that before.
"Will you cut that crap out?" asked the first battle droid.
Suddenly, Strong Bad with his blue lightsaber and Coach Z with his green ran out of the room and began slicing the battle droids into pieces. Blue Laser and his minion were watching the scene from the bridge.
"WHAT THE CRAP IS GOING ON?" asked Blue Laser.
"Have you ever fought Jedi Knights before, sir?" asked his minion.
"UH, SEAL OFF THE BRIDGE!" ordered Blue Laser.
"That won't be enough sir," said the minion.
"OH SHUT UP! BEFORE I THROW YOU INTO SPACE!" threatened Blue Laser.
So the door to the bridge closed.
"I WANT DESTROYER DROIDS, OR DROIDEKAS! WHATEVER THEY'RE CALLED!" shouted Blue Laser.
In the hallway outside the bridge, Coach Z cut some droids in half with his lightsaber. Strong Bad raised his hand and used the Force to throw three droids crashing into a wall. Then he raised his hand and used the Force on two battle droids.
"You will kill each other," ordered Strong Bad.
"Roger, roger!" replied the two battle droids as they faced each other and shot at each other, destroying each other.
Then Coach Z went to the door separating him from the bridge and began to cut through it with his lightsaber. Meanwhile, a battle droid came while Strong Bad used his lightsaber to destroy it.
"OH CRAP! CLOSE THE BLAST DOORS!" ordered Blue Laser.
A huge, thick set of doors, followed by two more made a thicker wall between Coach Z and the bridge. So Coach Z stabbed the doors with his lightsaber, starting to make a hole in the doors.
"They're still coming through, sir," said the Blue Laser Minion.
Huge chunks of molten metal began to fall of the doors.
"THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE! MORE IMPOSSIBLE THAN US DESTROYING THE CHEAT COMMANDOS, I MEAN NEVER MIND!" shouted Blue Laser.
"Where are the destroyer droids, or droidekas, or whatever they're called sir?" asked the minion.
Suddenly, three destroyer droids rolled to Strong Bad and Coach Z, got into their shooting positions, and began shooting at them. Strong Bad tried to deflect the droid's shots with his lightsaber, but the droids' deflector shields deflected the shots.
"Oh crap! They have shield generators! Why can't we have those?" asked Strong Bad.
"I dunno! Run away! It's something bad!" said Coach Z as he and Strong Bad ran away to their left.
In the bridge, Blue Laser and his minion were watching the view screen of the hallway.
"We have them on run, sir," reported the minion.
"I KNOW THAT MR. OBVIOUS! DON'T YOU KNOW I HAVE EYES?" shouted Blue Laser.
"Uh sir? They went up the ventilation shaft, sir," said another Blue Laser Minion.
"UGH! WE STILL DON'T HAVE THEM!" screeched Blue Laser.
In the main bay of the battleship, Coach Z and Strong Bad appeared at a large vent in a giant hangar. They spied on the thousands of battle droids being loaded into ships.
"Bortle droids," said Coach Z.
"Duh, it looks like an invisible army," said Strong Bad.
"No it's not. I can see it!" corrected Coach Z, "Well, I guess we should go and warn Neeboo, contact Chancellor Princey, and uh, do some stuff. Let's go in different ships. We'll meet in the plornet," explained Coach Z.
"Well, you're right in one thing. You won't watch that cooking show," said Strong Bad.
"It's a real shame, I was going to learn how to make Or Diories for the Jedis."
"Or Whats?" asked Strong Bad.
"Or Diories," replied Coach Z.
"Glad you aren't making it. You blew up the Jedi Temple kitchen the last time you cooked," muttered Strong Bad.
In the battleship bridge, the second minion received a transmission.
"A transmission from the planet, sir," said the minion.
"It's Queen Marzipala, sir," said the first minion.
"AT LAST! WE GOT RESULTS, SO WE CAN CRUSH THE CHEAT COMMANDOS!" screeched Blue Laser.
"No, just Naboo, sir," said the first minion.
Then the view screen revealed Queen Marzipala, a girl with a red dress, baseball bat shaped head, face painted white with red dots on her cheeks, and her hair was curled up in a weird fashion, sitting on her throne.
"AGAIN YOU HAVE COME BEFORE ME, QUEEN! THE FEDERATION IS PLEASED!" screeched Blue Laser.
"I don't think you will be pleased at this, not pleased at all. But, we, as in me, Mr. Corn, Eggplant, and Grapefruit, have decided that your boycott has ended," replied Queen Marzipala.
"WHAT THE CRAP DID YOU SAY? DOES THAT MEAN WE LOST?" asked Blue Laser.
"Well, the Senate says that they want to vote on this blockade of yours," replied Queen Marzipala.
"I THINK THE SENATE ARE ALL IDIOTS!" shouted Blue Laser.
"Oh be quiet Viceroy, you're delaying my tea party. Anyway, I think the Supreme Chancellor sent some ambassadors to deal with you. I think they are Jedis, but I don't know," said Queen Marzipala.
"WHAT AMBASSADORS? WHAT ARE AMBASSADORS?" asked Blue Laser.
"What? They didn't come? Lazy bureaucrats. By the way Viceroy, the Federation is going to far with this," said Queen Marzipala.
"WE WOULD NEVER DO THAT TO YOU? WOULD WE?" Blue Laser asked his minions.
"Yes sir," replied his minions.
"GUESS WHAT? YOU'RE WRONG! BY THE WAY QUEEN, YOU ASSUME TOO MUCH!" screeched Blue Laser.
"We'll see," said Queen Marzipala as the view screen went black.
"Uh sir, do you think…" began a Blue Laser Minion.
"OH FORGET THAT!" shouted Blue Laser.
"Do you think she suspects an attack now, sir?" asked another minion.
"I DON'T CARE! LET'S JUST DISRUPT THE COMMUNICATIONS! I JUST HATE THEM SO MUCH!" screeched Blue Laser as he walked away.
In the throne room of the Naboo Palace in the planet of Naboo, Queen Marzipala, her handmaidens, Captain Mouth, and Mr. Bland were listening to a hologram of Senator Homeschool.
"How can that be true? I think the Chancellor says he sent… Ambassadors… arrived," said Homeschool as his hologram began to fade away, "Negotiate… I hate…"
Then his hologram faded.
"Senator Homeschool! Captain Mouth, what's happening?" asked Queen Marzipala.
"Uh, the Foundation JAMMED us," reported Captain Mouth.
"Uh oh, this means invasion. I'm allergic to them," said Mr. Bland as he began sneezing.
"Don't jump to conclusions, Governor. The Foundation won't go that far, would they?" asked Queen Marzipala.
"The Senate would REVOKE their trade whatever, and they'd be FINISHED!" said Captain Mouth.
"Let's rely on negotiation."
"Uh, we lost communications, and we don't know where the ambassadors are, we can't negotiate, we must prepare the defend ourselves, I think I'm getting the hives," explained Mr. Bland.
"Well, I will not do anything that will get us into war," said Queen Marzipala.