Title: The Almighty Harry Potter
Series: Harry Potter
Summary: In which the Powers That Be And Grant take on The Task of explaining to the curious dead why Harry James Potter, the most powerful wizard in all of history is, well, Harry James Potter, the most powerful wizard in all of history.
Warnings: Super!Harry, mpreg (mentioned), pointless-but-funny!footnotes, shorts bits and pieces of an entirely too long conversation, crack, sex-machine!Harry, small amounts of description but hideous amounts of dialogue, crude language, abuse of capitals
A/N: So like... Don't take this seriously. Really. Don't.
The Almighty Harry Potter
It was an accepted fact of all wizarding life and afterlife that Harry James Potter, son of James Potter and Lily Potter (nee Evans), was the most powerful wizard in all of history. After all, he came from a great lineage (1), could call The Great Dark And Evil Overlord Of All That Is Bad And Evil (Dark Lord Voldemort for short) by his name, could do wandless magic of all things, and he also possessed super powerful semen that was able to get even men pregnant.
The reason for all this awesomeness that is Harry Potter was great mystery, however. There were a great many theories, but no one knew for sure just why Harry Potter was what he was. Some thought that it all was an outcome of his lineage. After all, being a direct descendant of all the founders of Hogwarts as well as Merlin was a bit of an overkill (2). Others thought that he was just lucky (3). Most, however, just believed that some deity got drunk one day and decided to create Harry.
No one was quite sure which was the correct theory.
It was because of this that, one day, all the dead that had personally met Harry had decided to join forces and ask one of The Greater Powers That Governed for the answer to this mystery that plagued them all.
"Ermm.. Excuse me?"
The Powers That Be And Grant would have raised an eyebrow if it had had eyebrows. Unfortunately, it did not since it was just a Great, Big Ball of Light and thus, was forced to skip the eyebrow raising. Instead, it settled for answering with a loud, booming, "Yes?"
The group of the dead just stared at one another uncertainly, trying to figure out just where the voice had come from. One would think it had come from the Great, Big Ball of Light but it hadn't seemed like it. In the end, Fred Weasley decided to ignore the mystery and voice the question they had been dying to know the answer of (pun fully intended).
"Er. Yes. Erm. We had been wondering if you could answer a question for us. We were wondering... You see-"
"Just get on with it!"
It is at this point that the Powers That Be And Grant would have rolled its eyes had it had eyes.
Sirius stepped forth. "We were wondering why Harry, great shag that he is-"
"You shagged my son?"
"You shagged your godson?"
"Oh. You too, huh?"
"Remus!"
"Gotta agree with you there! Bloody sex machine, that Harry."
"Fred?"
"Yum yum yum! I loved-"
"COLIN?"
"As I was saying, we were wondering why Harry is so powerful."
The Powers That Be And Grant were silent for a moment. "Jerry...? You mean that funny little mouse?"
"Er... No. Not Jerry. Harry. Harry."
"Are you calling me hairy? That... that hurts! I'm sensitive, you-"
"No! We weren't calling you hairy! We were talking about Harry! My son! You know-"
"What a cruel father you are. I mean, what would your son say if he heard you calling him hairy?"
"I never said that he was hairy! Harry is his name!"
"Temper, temper! There's no need to shout."
"JUST. ANSWER. THE. DAMN. QUESTION."
"... What was it again?"
"Why is Harry James Potter the most powerful wizard in all of history?"
"Oh. Him. I had forgotten about him. Are you sure you want to know?"
In one unison motion, the dead all nodded rapidly. "YES!"
If the Powers That Be And Grant had shoulders, it would have shrugged. "Okay. Remember, you asked for it."
The group nodded rapidly.
"The truth is..."
"Yes...?"
"Harry Potter is what he is because..."
"Yes...?"
"Oh this is so embarrassing!"
"JUST GET ON WITH IT!"
The Powers That Be And Grant sniffed. "Fine, fine! It's because We were really bored that day."
The group all fell, having leaned too forward (4). "What?"
"You've got to be kidding me!"
"How does boredom equal Harry?"
"We were bored so We took all the experimental powers and gifts, both stupid and incredibly powerful - things that had all been discarded for a reason - and shoved them into Harry James Potter to see what would happen."
"..."
"It also gives explanation to Harry's crappy life."
"Huh?"
"All the good had to be leveled out somehow."
"Explain."
Twenty minutes later...
"... so he was given the harem ability which was leveled out by the trouble that comes with a harem since there are bound to be fights. But all the fighting was deemed too much and overpowered the harem ability. This is why he was made gay and given his super semen."
"... I see..."
Fifty minutes later...
"... the parseltongue thing. Oh yeah. That thing solved itself all together. It gave him a year of hell but it's also a great sex technique."
"Oh yeah. Wonderful! Especially when he-"
"And then he-"
"And you get that-"
"RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! LILY IS COMING!"
"Oh shit!"
Five hours later...
"... And his great looks! They're beautiful looks but totally uke looks that beg for him to be raped! Even the plants want to ass rape him!"
"Pssst! What's 'uke' mean?"
"I don't know..."
Twenty hours later...
"Pizza?"
"Thanks."
"Sure."
"... and his pancake ability! Great amazing pancakes but he can't cook anything else! He'd burn even water!"
"... how much longer is this going to go on?"
"Who knows?"
Forty hours later...
"... super saiyan hair..."
"What the hell is a super saiyan...?"
"I have no idea."
Two days later...
"... glow in the dark balls..."
"... Does he mean bouncy balls?"
"They can be bouncy. Especially if he's pounding his cock up your as-"
One month later...
"So you see! It all evens out! The whole wandless magic, super lineage, harem ability, amazing sex, super powerful semen, great looks, thousands of super rare animagus forms, the time travel and even the power to tell what color underwear someone is wearing - they all have an opposite that counteracts and makes up for it all! All the bad things that have ever happened to anyone related to him? It's all to make up for it!"
"Wait," Fred interrupted, holding out a hand. "Are you saying that, technically, we could blame Harry for our deaths since our deaths were a part of the consequences of having uber incredible powers?"
"... Well, yes."
There was a pause for a moment before the congregation of dead people all looked at one another, coming to the same conclusion all at the same time. Dead people weren't all too special, after all. They were dead. And dead was dead.
"Let's go haunt Harry and give him nightmares."
The End!
(1) Lily Potter, previously thought to be muggleborn, was outed as having come from a long line of squibs. It turns out that she had direct connections to the lines of Ravenclaw and Slytherin, not to mention Merlin. James Potter, on the other hand, turned out to be a direct descendant of Potter, Hufflepuff, Gryffindor and Peverell.
(2) "Overkill? OVERKILL? It was abso-bloody-lutely-"
"James! Language!"
"Sorry, dear! Now where was I? Oh right. It was NOT 'overkill'! How can the product of the beautiful union between my Lily and I be OVERKILL? YOU'RE OVERKILL!"
"... Actually, I do think all those bloodlines coming together is a bit overkill, dear."
"Lily? You're supposed to be on my side!"
(3) "The poor chap had to suffer through the Dursleys. You think he's bloody lucky?"
(4) "Ow! Dammit! Sirius! Get your fat ass off of me!"
"My ass is not fat! It's nice and tight and beautiful!"
"The... the pain!"
"Who... who touched my ass? I know it's beautiful but that doesn't mean you can ass-rape me!"
"Eek!"
"My ass!"
"... My crotch!"
"... Lupin?"
"Snivillus?"
"Oh circe. I think I'm going to be sick!"
"You're the one that touched my... my!"
"I thought you were Lily!"
"You thought I had a penis!"
"No! I-"
"You! Stay away from my wife!"
"I... I won't be able to get married anymore!"
"Remus. You're already married! To me!"
"Tonks! Oh yeah. I ermm..."
"What dear Moony, dear cousin, meant was that he won't be able to have babies anymore. Because Snivillus's touch was sure to have killed all his sperm. It was just a slip of tongue."
"Hey!"
"We're dead. We can't have babies."
"Exactly! It just hit him!"
omake: The consequences of having a Veela!Draco
"So, you see, all the crap of his life evened out the super awesome powers he has."
Fred snickered. "Figures. Draco's very presence was enough burden to even out having a perfect equal."
"... Where'd you get that idea?"
"Well, you never mentioned an opposite to it. So I thought..."
"No. That was a doozy to even out. Making him a veela and making sure he lived as long as Harry would? Oh man. That was..." The Powers That Be And Grant trailed off.
The audience all stared, confused. "But you said it all evened out. You listed everything! If the burden of having Draco as a mate didn't balance everything, then what did?"
"Well... We had to balance it out somehow. So... Well... We killed all of you."
"What...?"
"We - "
"We heard you!"
A/N: ... it was originally supposed to be a lot more but... I accidentally lost it. And I lost the fire. This is what came out. R&R!