Mutants Deliver Good Pizza by Batman100
"Hurry up with cleaning the Danger Room, Scott! It's past midnight and I'd like to get some SLEEP!" Jean hollered as Scott frantically swabbed down the floors of the Danger Room before the phone rang
"Whoa whoa whoa! I got it, I got it!" Scott ranted hysterically, lunging for the phone only for Kurt to port to it first
"Gotcha" Kurt snickered as Scott plopped on the floor, before picking up the phone and answering "Xavier Services, how can we help?" when all of a sudden Jean could make out dollar signs in Kurt's eyes. "Pizza? Of course we have pizza! Cheese, extra-crispy, veggie, pepperoni, heck, the whole dang wazoo!"
"Uh… Kurt?" Jean asked before Kurt clamped his hand over Jean's mouth and babbling excitedly "Our delivery redhead mutant will bring it right over", loudly slamming the phone down before zooming into the kitchen, stampeding over an oblivious Kitty
"Kurt?! What Are you DOING?! GET OUT! Out, out, out!" Kitty's voice shrieked before a loud sizzling noise was heard along with a very large irate scream, followed sooner by…
"GET THAT FLIM-FLABBERJABBERIN' PIZZA OUTTA MY KITCHEN!" Kitty bellowed, booting Kurt and the pizza order out the door, and to land on Jean, with a large goofy smile on Kurt's face, seeing that how absurd the situation, Jean had no choice
"I know I'm gonna regret this…" Jean muttered before sighing "I'll take the darn odor", grabbing the box before hearing Scott cackling insanely "What are you laughing about, you crazy hyena?"
"Hee hee hee! You said Odor! Bahahhaha! Oh waiter, an odor for a extra-cheese pizza with some Axe-tra crispy breadsticks!" Scott cackled maniacally, banging his hands on the floor silly. Jean then grumbled under her breath before Kurt popped up
"Oh and, before I forget… There's one little favor I need you to do for…me, me, me,me!" Kurt belched in an overly falsetto voice before an equally annoyed Rogue came up and clobbered Kurt with a hammer
"SHUT UP! SHUT UP! FOR THE LOVE OF ESTHER FRICKIN' WILLIAMS, SHUT UP!" Rogue screamed, continually hammering Kurt as Jean and Scott watched, jaws dropped as Rogue then heavily panted before heading upstairs and then slowly facing Jean
"And while you're out, take Mr. Laughing Box with you" Rogue snarled, directing to Scott who gazed at Jean with bugged-out eyes. Jean's eyes visibly shrank upon seeing the disastrous events that would follow
"THAT'S NOT WHAT I HAD IN MIND!" Jean screamed in horror
Several restraints and strait-jackets later…
"When I get my hands on that conniving elf, I'm gonna…" Jean grumbled, irately seated in her red Corvette while Scott inspected the vehicle
"Rudder, check." Scott stated, checking the rudder with a ruler. "Antenna, check", Scott continued, flinging the antenna top. "Bumper sticker, check!" Scott continued, looking at Jean's bumper sticker, with the legend "We Break 4 New York Knicks" before sucking the tire pressure with a straw as an equally mortified Jean watched Scott expand to the size of a blimp
"Oh why me? Why me?" Jean drawled sarcastically as Scott floated around before, in a squeaky voice rasped "Tire pressure…" before slowly exhaling the hot air, the air blowing into Jean's face as Scott slowly shrunk back to normal
"…Check." Scott finished in his normal voice. Jean slapped her forehead in disgust as Scott zipped into the driver's seat
"Vehicle inspection, complete. We're making history tonight Jean. This lucky customer is gonna get the First! X-Men! Pizza Delivery!" Scott hollered, waving his hands wildly like he was speaking at an Inauguration Speech before Jean grabbed his shirt collar and reeled him back in the car
"Would you please?! Your antics are gonna have the whole neighborhood in an uproar! Now get the silliness outa your head, and back the Corvette up." Jean muttered, popping a Tic Tac in her mouth as Scott faced the driving wheel with a blank expression
"Er… Que pasa?" Scott sheepishly asked as Jean banged her head against the glove box
"Back the freakin car up!" Jean snapped as Scott started to panic, his hand clenched on the parking brake, only to see the controls written in Latin language
"BACK IT UP!" Jean repeated madly before Scott finally went nuts "BACK IT UP!" Scott babbled, flooring the Corvette as it roared straight for the mansion door
"NO! NOT THAT!" Jean shrieked, huddling in a fetal position, sucking her thumb while Scott laughed wildly
"Run for your lives!" Kurt screamed, as the X-Men scrambled for cover before the Corvette crashed through the front door
"AAH! Runaway Corvette!" Remy shrieked, cowering behind Rogue, holding her like a shield
"Get your hands off me before I let them run over you!" Rogue hissed as Remy then started nibbling on her toenails in fear "Ugh… Men!"
"What the Hell is going on here?!" Madame Hydra barked, standing on the staircase in her nightgown before seeing the Corvette driving near her direction
"Scott! Stopthecar! Stop the car! P-PULL OVER" Jean rambled as Scott continued to speed recklessly
"Meep." Madame Hydra whimpered before being saved by Warren, who flew her out of harm's way
"Don't worry milady. The mansion is safe now." Warren boasted before hearing an enormous crashing sound as the Corvette sped down the street, with the mansion's grandfather clock falling on top of Tabitha's beloved grand chalice mouse collection with a deafening CRASH!
"…Or not." Madame Hydra replied sarcastically as Tabitha then chased after Scott and Jean, spouting out curses like a maniac, with a giant axe and a machine gun in her hands
"YOU GET BACK HERE SUMMERS! WHEN I CATCH YOU, YOU MANIAC, I'M GONNA…" Tabitha ranted, kicking frantically and giggling inhumanely as Peter and Roberto had her strait-jacketed
A few miles later…
"Well…you backed it up." Jean exhaled, apparently exhausted and shell-shocked after Scott's road rampage before continuing "And you wanna know what? I think we're out of gas. And else? We're in the middle of NOWHERE!" her voice echoing in the distance
"And you know what else else? I think the pizza's cold." Scott whimpered as Jean's eyes bulged out of her sockets "AND THE PIZZA'S COLD! Oh the PIZZA's cold! Not the frib-flaming PIZZA!" She ranted, inadvertently starting up the Corvette's engine with a loud kick. Scott and Jean could only view as the Corvette sped off back to the mansion, leaving a fog of dust in their face
"So…What next, genius?" Jean sarcastically asked Scott, as the two now traveled to their destination through the hazy Bayville desert area
"We could hitchhike using break dancing. I saw it in a movie once" Scott answered giddily as Jean rolled her eyes before taking a deep breath
"…What?" Jean replied flatly. Scott repeated "I said we could do the old pioneer's hitchhike. C'mon, I'll show you" before heading over to a nearby road
"I have a feeling this is gonna be a LONG night" Jean grumbled, sitting on a dusty rock, watching Scott perform jagged dance moves, waving and swaying his arms like a scarecrow in a cornyard, not noticing Logan's Monster truck approaching as Logan could make out Scott's form
"Crashin, flashin break-dancing MANIAC! I'll show him, the little weirdo!" Logan hissed, blaring his horn loudly as Jean then noticed
"Scott! He's stopping! He…" Jean ranted, only to slowly come to a shiver, as Logan was not stopping. Instead, he was planning to squash Scott like tumbleweed. Jean managed to get Scott out of harm's way, only to collapse facedown on a large mound of snow crystals
"Am I in…Alaska?" Scott mumbled, his face buried in the mound
"Smells like… Calcutta." Jean replied, before clawing her way out of the mound, spitting particles out like crazy before hoisting up a snow-covered Scott and the two then continued trekking, not knowing the road sign behind them proclaimed "WARNING. NOW ENTERING THE BAYVILLE OASIS. SEVERE SNOW MOUND STORMS AHEAD."
A few more miles later…
"Scott, we've drove and destroyed half the mansion, nearly got ran over by Logan's fuel truck, got buried in a mound of lousy dust, and now we're stuck in this blizzard with this lousy stinking PIZZA!" Jean ranted as Scott then hovered over and around Jean, the box providing flight since Scott had his hands on it, obviously.
"Ugh… For crying out loud, would you please get rid of that pizza" Jean snapped as Scott then bounced over her "I cant, its for the customer!" Scott retorted
"Who even cares about the customer?" Jean replied hoarsely "I do!" Scott echoed "Well I DON'T!" Jean screamed
Scott loudly gasped in horror. Suddenly the winds stopped as Scott narrowed his eyes and muttered "Jean" before the winds kicked up again, this time more stronger as Jean felt her body rapidly moving toward Scott's direction
"For God's sakes, let go!" Jean sputtered as a large dust tornado tore through the crop fields, her hands now grasped to Scott's feet
"I'm not letting go!" Scott shot back. Jean then realized it was either the pizza or being pulled into the tornado. Instantly, Jean then changed her mind
"HANG ONTO THE ORDER, SCOTT!" Jean echoed as the two entered the tornado's funnel before both went soaring through the atmosphere and clear into outer space, conveniently in the midst of a nearby spaceship, where an astronaut was on space-walk
"Uh, Houston? We have a problem…again." The astronauts announced as he witnessed Scott and Jean then rapidly descend back to Earth like a large torpedo
"HANG ON JEAN!" Scott screamed as they rocketed straight down through the stratosphere at breakneck speed before heading into a clear plain field desert location and then crash-landing into a nearby cornfield.
The next morning…
"Ugh, dear Odin above… What in the name of?" Jean drawled dazedly before coming face-to-face with a crow, nibbling at Scott's hair. Jean's eyes narrowed down to hostile slits before shooing the bird away
"Out! Out, out, out, you pesky vulture! Go peck on someone else your own size!" Jean ranted, as the crow flew away "Heh. That oughta teach him a lesson" Jean chuckled to herself, hoisting up a snoring Scott and the still-in piece pizza box and wading through the cornfield, before swatting several black feathers from her hair, walking on. Then she stopped in mid-stroll. Black feathers? Jean slowly turned to see a whole gaggle of vultures perched on the trees, all of them staring at her and Scott's direction. Then Jean's left hand came across a shiny, silver-glinted object.
Bingo. Jean thought, as she brandished her Colt Peacemaker gun, aiming it at the swarm of buzzards "No one and I mean NO ONE messes with me, my husband and my order and gets away with it!" She hollered, shooting one down before firing an echoing shot into the air.
As if on cue, the vultures then flew off in fear of being shot down as well. Jean then made a loud triumphant roar before she saw Scott start to stir
"Jean? Did I…*miss* anything?" Scott asked hoarsely.
"Eh, not much. Just a little bit o' vulture-hunting" Jean chuckled before adding "I haven't had bagged that much buzzards since the great Buzzard Season of '10" as she and Scott safely traversed down the hills
"Oh great, here we go with one a' those long stories…" Scott moaned as Jean continued to ramble about her fame in the buzzard-killing business
One hill-walk later…
"…So then came the Turkey Vulture Clearing Championship of '11, and that was the time I bagged nearly a hundred-sixty million in one, just one sit! And I won a whole load of trophies, even m' old Golden Buck Deere blast range rifle!" Jean continued rambling as Scott listened intently, his mind off somewhere else
All this over shooting down vultures? Hmm. makes me wonder if there's ever been a snow-mound sledding contest before. Nah, that'd be silly. Scott thought to himself in suspicion before he and Jean saw a pale, bearded stranger trot up to them on a menacing-looking black steed. It had a collar with the name "Bloodbath" on his neck. Jean slowly extended for her pistol behind her back
"Where you muties from? This here's Snow Mound Territory. I suggest you an' your weird-eyed pardner best git, before I sic ol' Bloodbath on ye, y'hear?" The man threatened sinisterly, blowing a haze of cigar smoke in Scott's face
"Let me show you my response, old-timer." Jean snarled, drawing her pistol and popping the thug in the head. The stranger collapsed on the dusty ground, and then Scott and Jean ran like crazy as Bloodbath stampeded after them, snorting angrily
"Well, that was a bright idea? Now what?" Scott asked, trying to stay one step ahead from the monstrous beast, it's nostrils flaring fire. Jean then gasped in fright as large, bony wings extended from Bloodbath's chest as it then soared into the air, before making a nosedive toward Scott and Jean
"Try to trod on this, you filthy nag!" Scott roared, blasting Bloodbath's head clear off with a bullet to the brain cavity. The now-decapitated corpse crashed on the sand, seeping blood on the ground
"Bullseye." Jean commented in amazement as Scott twirled his pistol before holstering it. "That was some fine shooting there"
"Hey, you know me. I never miss a target." Scott chuckled as the two shook hands before continuing on their journey
"What a delivery this is. We survived a storm, got launched into space, took on a swarm of vultures, butchered a killer, got chased by a mutant flying horse monster, killed that also, and now here we are at the customer's house at LAST!" Jean cheered triumphantly as Scott noticed the address seemed familiar
"Hey Jean, look who lives here!" Scott hooted excitedly, directing Jean's attention to the mailbox, which only had the number 18. Scott then rang the bell and waited, the door opened and out stepped Android 18, as beautiful as ever.
"Hey Scott. Hey Jean. How's it going?" Android 18 asked, happy to see them before seeing their cargo "See you managed to get my pizza. What took you two so far to get it here?"
"18 my dear, have we got a story for you!" Jean started as the three entered the house, oblivious to the cornfield crow perching on the mailbox before turning to the camera and winking
"That's all, folks!" The crow cawed as the Looney Tunes music echoed in the background