This is When...
The bath water is hot on my aching muscles. The bubbles make a pleasant crackling sound in my ears as they pop.
This is when the thinking starts.
This is when the heartbreak rears its ugly head.
I'm tired.
I'm always tired these days.
I think I lost myself in that gaping hole that used to be the hellmouth. Every day it's the same thing, train the new slayers, eat, patrol... lift stake, impale vampire, rinse, repeat... Save the world...Again. Take a bath. With Bubbles.
What I think he would say about it changes depending on my mood. When I'm not thinking about throwing myself upon my own stake, he tells me in my mind, complete with that infuriating cockney accent, "Come on, Slayer, you know you love it. Grab that sword and lets go decapitate something!"
...But then, there are those other times, most of the time, these days. The times when I almost stop fighting and let whatever baddie-of-the-week I'm fighting end it all for me... Those are the times when his voice gets softer, his eyes less harsh.
Those are the times when he calls me by my name... When he tells me, "I love you, Buffy. Let me take you away from here. Come with me. I can take care of you." Only, he can't. Because he can only say these things to me in my head... He's gone.
This is when the anger comes. Every time, without fail. Only, I'm not angry for the right reasons.
"Lucky bastard, you had it easy! You put on that necklace, tell me you love me, then you leave me here! When do I get to rest?!"
The words are cold and harsh and echoing in the quiet bathroom. Even though I startle myself with the outburst, it doesn't stop there...
"You left me here! You get to sleep peacefully, while I have to stay here and fight! Well the fighting never stops! It never stops and I hate you for leaving me here to deal with this whole mess of a world! I hate you!! I could NEVER love you!!"
...Only I do.
And this is when the tears come...
They flow freely down my cheeks now. Hot and salty and hated. My sobs louder than my anger before. I can't breathe. Can't think. Can't feel anything other than this sadness.
And this is when the self-loathing sets in.
How dare I be so angry with him. How could I foul the memory of the man that I love? How could I spit back everything he ever did for me?! How could I claim to love him, and then blame him for everything?
And this... This is when the blade comes out.
No one can ever know what these baths are for.
I bring it to my wrist. I feel the cold of the blade against my skin. It reminds me of him, cold and hard and thrust deep inside me. I feel almost nothing as the blood starts to bead, then run slowly down my arm. I see nothing but him in the red drop that quickly thins out then disappears into the water, stretched so thin it becomes nothing. Reminds me of me.
And this is when the fear sets in.
A slayers survival instinct is strong. Even when that slayer is trying to kill herself. I throw the blade across the room. In fitting with this gruesome ritual, it sticks into the wall amongst one hundred and thirteen other holes... I wonder what he would say to me now. Only my mind can't come up with an answer. It never can.
I remove myself from the bathtub and wrap a soft towel around my naked form. I look into the mirror...
I'm hollow without him. I'm an empty shell of what I used to be...
And I hate myself for it. And I hate myself for the fear. The weakness.
But most of all... I hate myself for leaving him in that cavern. Leaving him there to die alone.
Maybe one day I can overcome the fear and finish it. Maybe then, I won't hate myself anymore.
Maybe then, I'll be with him again...
And this is when the mask comes back.
I dress, put on some make-up, smile big, and walk into the dining room full of people.
They can never know.
I don't own Buffy tthe Vampire Slayer Sniffle The story is mine, though : ) Please review, I thrive on it.