It's dark inside my head

by angel818

In a few words, what I think was going on in Effy's head during 3x05 and how she thinks all of this while she is laying in the hospital. Rated M for language and reference in illegal substances.

I was getting weaker. I could feel it in my bones every fucking day that passed. I could feel my defenses fall apart every fucking second that passed.

Love. That stupid, stinky feeling was the cause of my problems. I gave my heart to someone, I opened up and then came the down fall. The only think that could keep me from completely turn nuts was the drugs, the booze and the smoke. Anything that would keep me numb. But after a while neither that worked anymore.

Nobody saw it coming. Except me. I knew I couldn't fight any longer. Nobody knew it because I was hiding and denying that it was there every fucking day for seventeen years. But the truth is that this thing inside my head is killing me every time I fall asleep. It's attacking when my mind is unable to fight. Like from the moment my defenses fell apart cause I let fucking Freddie in. I guess one person can make a fucking difference. Wanker.

The voices in my head were getting louder. Creepy, soul-sucking voices ready to consume me. Ready to eat me alive. My end was coming and I could feel it. And I so fucking scared. I couldn't trust anyone anymore. They were all after me. Except Freddie. I could only trust him. Because he had my heart and I had his. How ironic. To trust the person responsible for getting me in this state. For makin me weak.

I couldn't find peace anymore. The demons were stalking me now even when I was away. I could feel them. They were everywhere. In the carnival, in this old men's retirement thing. They were ready. But I wouldn't let them win. So I cut my veins to release my pain. To finally find peace.

I was calm for a minute. But then Freddie saved me. I don't though if he saved me or doomed me to a painful life. When he came to see me, I felt hatred. He was the one responsible for releasing my inner demons. He made me vulnerable. So I said to him "Go. Away." and I meant it sincerely.

I don't know if I can get past this. The only person in this whole world that can really help is far away. Tony. He left for college and I stayed here, all alone. Like when he was in a coma. But got passed it. He is stronger than me in every way. But he left me to fight by myself and I lost the only person I could count on in this life. And I need him and he's not here. Fucking wanker. I once told him that love is good for absolutely nothing. I was absolutely fucking right.