Author: USTVFAN
Disclaimer: Not mine and never will be!
Spoilers: Weeping Willows
Rating: K/CSI1
Author's notes: Written for the Marg's Birthday 50 Fics Challenge. Lyrics: "About you now" by Sugababes.
Summary: Now he knew for sure that he loved her more than life itself and if he didn't at least try then what was the point in anything?
About you now
It was so easy that night
Should have been strong yeah I lied
Nobody get's me like you do
The room is deathly silent, the darkness all encompassing as Gil Grissom lies on the hard leather couch in his living room staring at the ceiling. The music playing softly in the background serves as little distraction as his minds eye takes him back to the look on Catherine's face as he'd left her alone in the corridor and he curses himself for the hundredth time since he got home for being a coward. What he'd wanted to say was that he was mad because she'd put herself at risk, because she insisted on going out looking for some elusive love that he would give her if she just opened her eyes and saw how much he wanted to. She was the only one who'd ever been able to see him for who he was, to see past the walls he put up and see the man inside the man who had been hiding from his feelings for her for so long and now had been hit with them like a tidal wave that threatened to engulf him.
Couldn't keep hold of you then
How could I know what you meant
There was nothing to compare to
Looking back now he couldn't count the number of times he should have realised what was happening, times when now it was obvious to him he'd been slowly falling in love with her and yet he'd ignored those feelings. He'd brushed them aside or failed to notice them at all because he never looked at her that way. She was Catherine, his friend, the person he knew would always be there for him and that was something he never questioned. Now though he realised that all the years since they'd met, all the meaningless, unsuccessful relationships he'd had were nothing compared to what he now knew he could have with her. If she'd let him.
I know everything changes
All the cities and faces
But I know how I feel about you now.
The sigh he gives out as the enormity of the situation hits him echoes around the room , his mind telling him that he should move, do something, anything to take his mind off her to try to rid himself of the image he is now sure will haunt him until he can make amends. When he allowed his mind free reign knew he would always be hit by the same things, the fact that no matter what was happening around them, no matter how gruesome the crime scene or how many people came and went from both their lives, she was the one constant for him.
"God Grissom you're an idiot." He mutters to himself shaking his head in disbelief. "You realise you've probably blown it forever now right? For a smart man you can be really dumb at times, she's never going to forgive you for this even if you do tell her how you feel."
There's a mountain between us
But there's one thing I'm sure of
That I know how I feel about you now
For a second the words he'd used, the attitude he'd displayed and the way he knew he'd hurt her comes flooding back, catching his breath in his throat as he imagines how she must feel about him. They've argued before but it's never lasted, normally a blazing row, one of them screaming at the other, then it's over and they get on like nothing's happened but this is so much different. This time he'd walked away, not caring in the split second how hurt she was or how it might affect their relationship, all he could focus on was the torrent of emotions he was going through himself the ones that are now tearing him apart and making him wish he'd stayed to fight it out.
I know everything changes
I don't care where it takes us
Cause' I know how I feel about you now
Moving swiftly off the sofa he grabs his car keys, the need to see her, to speak to her and know that at the very least she is ok, being more than he can handle. He can't fight the desire to be near her in spite of the seemingly never ending list of reasons why it would be a bad idea running through his head. Change has never been his strong point, normally he tries to avoid it at all costs but this time as he reaches the car and climbs in he promises himself it will be different. He'll not care about the fact they could be straying into an area of their relationship so full of minefields that they may inevitably come out the other side wounded and bleeding. He'll prove to her that he's worth taking the risk on and that he'll stand up with pride beside her no matter what they may encounter. He has to, if she's ever going to forgive him he knows he has to prove he's worthy of her love.
Can we bring yesterday back around?
Cause' I know how I feel about you now
I was dumb, I was blind I let you down
But I know how I feel about you now.
The light's of the city fly by as her house get's ever nearer and for the first time he allows himself to think of how he can even start the conversation he needs to have with her a mocking laugh in his head reminding him that there is no good way to tell someone you've known most of your adult life, and recently hurt more than you can imagine, that you've suddenly realised you're in love with them. If he could just have the previous 24 hours back again he knew he could do it, but with time travel not an option he knew the only thing to do would be to hold his hands up and admit that he was wrong, beg her to let him explain and hope that she could see past it and that there might be some glimmer of hope that she felt the same way. Finally as he brought the car to a stop outside her home, staring for a second at the dim light shining through the gauzy curtains, he felt a tightness grip his chest and saw his hands shake as they reached for the handle. This was it, no going back, he'd make her see that he really cared about her and hope she felt the same because now he knew for sure that he loved her more than life itself and if he didn't at least try then what was the point in anything?