More or Less
It's so hard being me.
Cram school seems to be gettting harder, and the hours at work seem to be getting longer. I was still reeling from the shock of learning about antidifferentiation when the boss ambushed me with three hours' worth of dishwashing duty. It's amazing that the customers' livers don't explode, the way they drink!
I don't know if I can go on like this... but I have to! If I don't, I won't have enough money to eat, to pay Shinbo back all the money I owe him, to pay the electric bills, the gas bills, the rent...
...to buy porn...
Wait. One of those things was important. Let's see... it was...
Porn! NO! Damn this teenage hormone-driven pornlust!
It was something else...
The rent! Oh my God, I haven't paid the rent! It's been due for almost a week, and I keep forgetting about it! Hibiya-san is going to kill me!
No, I don't think she'll make it that easy...
She'll throw me out! I can see it now, the loser who failed the university exams will be going to cram school and work by day, and he'll be walking around the streets of Tokyo by night. I won't be able to take baths and brush my teeth, and by the end of two weeks I'll smell like a corpse! My poor hygiene will get me kicked off of work, and I'll be forced to dig through the garbage for scraps of food! AAAAAAUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!! MY LIFE IS RUINED!!!
No! It's not ruined yet! I'll just ask Hibiya-san to wait until tomorrow, when I get my week's salary. Then I'll be able to pay the rent! Then I'll work overtime in order to keep one step ahead of my expenses. Even if I have to clean the toilets using only a toothbrush and a bucket, I'll do it! I have to plan for my future...
...for Chii...
There I go again. What am I thinking?
She's only a persocon. IT's only a persocon. It's not alive. It can't feel hunger or thirst. I suspect that she doesn't even need to sleep--that she only needs to be recharged three of four times a week or something, and she could go on.
IT...doesn't feel pain. It doesn't feel anything.
Shinbo says that no persocon can feel pain. You can try to hurt it, damage it. It will be broken, but it won't be hurt. Shinbo knows a lot more about this stuff than I do, so I guess what he said is true.
Chii can't get hurt. If she's broken, she can be fixed. It won't make a difference.
And yet... I can't think of it that way.
I can't help thinking that Chii needs me. Somehow, I can't shake the idea that I do something for her...it... that no one else can. And I feel as if I have to take care of her...it.
It sounds crazy. And I know it's crazy.
I don't want to let anything happen to it...
...to her.
It's not as simple as taking care of what belongs to me. I don't normally get attached to posessions; most of my stuff are in boxes or in the closet, and I only look for them when I need them. I don't really care about what shape they're in, as long as they're still usable.
Chii is different. I'm always concerned about her.
She's not very useful, as far as persocons go. There are lots of things other persocons can do that she can't. Even so, she seems to be more than an ordinary persocon. Apparently, she has a lot of potential to become very powerful, much more powerful than others.
I don't understand all of it. In fact, I don't even try to.
As for her being my possesion...that was true at first.
But things changed.
Little by little, she became more than just something to be owned and to be used. She became more than a possession, and more than a pet. With each passing day, she grew more like a companion, and became less like an object.
She has become an important part of my life, and I have learned not to treat her as if she belonged to me.
Right now, she belongs to herself.
How long will it be before I belong to her?
Where did that come from!?!? I must be going insane!
It can't go that way... it's not right. I know it isn't. A human and a persocon...we can't possibly be like that. That can't be how the journey ends for us.
But I have to admit we've come a long way.
I remember the first time I saw her. She was very cute. Why anyone would throw her out was beyond me. Then again, it was none of my business if the previous owner didn't want her anymore. There's no harm in taking something that someone else threw away. If he didn't have any use for her, maybe she'll be more useful to me.
I was very excited to get a persocon, and I thought that my life was going to get so much easier now that I have one.
Once she had started up, though, I realized that my life would become much more complicated.
She had a woman's body, but she was like a child. She couldn't say much aside from "Chii!" and seemed to copy my every move. Every time I turned around, I'd look back just in time to stop her from doing something stupid or embarrassing, or anything that would stimulate my already overstimulated imagination.
I knew that I shouldn't let anything happen between us. It wasn't just that she was a persocon, although I knew that was a problem. It was also because Chii was an innocent. One with a very attractive body, but still an innocent. It was hard for me to let anything serious come into our relationship.
At the time, I didn't know what to make of her. Judging by her actions, she considered me to be more than a master. I was confused. How could a persocon put value and importance into anything or anybody?
In any case, she was my responsibility. The moment I picked her up, it was my obligation to take care of her. When Minoru told me about Chii's learning program, he said that it would be up to me to teach her.
Some people would've considered it annoying to have to teach a persocon each and every little thing. After all, they're used to the idea of just downloading the data straight into the hard disk, and that's that. But a working ronin like me can't afford such luxuries, so I had to go with Minoru's suggestion.
I really didn't mind at all, though, even if it was difficult. I've been very lucky my whole life, because there were always people around to help me with things I didn't know about. That's still true today, especially with Shinbo, Minoru and Hibiya-san to go to.
With Chii, it's a chance for me to be the one who helps out. It's not about saving money. Everybody was always there for me, and I've decided that I'll always be there for Chii. I want to make sure that Chii is happy...
Why do I keep forgetting? Chii isn't a person!
But she isn't just a persocon, either.
Persocons can be affectionate, but Chii is more affectionate than most. That's why it feels great taking care of her. Every time I'm with her, she has an expression that makes me feel as if I was the most important thing in the world to her. That she depended on me somehow.
I decided that there was no reason to read anything into it. Even though she was a persocon that had no emotions, it must be very hard for any persocon not to have a master. She had been thrown away, and she didn't want it to happen again.
I had no intention of throwing her away, of course, and I let her know that. I never made her feel unwanted or unneeded.
I never liked the idea of throwing her away.
Now I'm finding it harder to accept the possibility of letting her go.
I've gotten used to her.
I've gotten used to those bright, chocolate-brown eyes, looking up at me. To the way she hugs me every day, when I get home from work. Waking up in the morning, and finding her next to me.
I've gotten used to the way her pale skin shimmers in the moonlight... and the way her hair glows in the sun. I could swear that the late afternoon sky blushes with shame whenever she goes outside.
I've gotten used to her scent. It's not sweet and strong like fruit, or perfume. It doesn't smother the air. It doesn't overpower every other aroma in the room. But unlike other aromas, it lingers, reminding you of her.
She feels soft... warm to the touch. I know it's not real flesh that touches me when I'm in her embrace. Even though it's soft and warm, it's not the right kind: it's the softness that comes from synthetic fibers and plastic, the warmth that comes from electricity and friction in her internal machinery.
Yet somehow, it feels right.
Everything about Chii feels right.
I often question myself. Is it right to invest so much in a machine? Is it okay to consider Chii to be as important to my life as my friends and family? If so, would it be all right for me to say that she's become the most important thing?
Do I love her? Seriously?
I don't know.
But persocon or not, Chii is Chii, and that's worth more to me than her being more than a persocon or less than a human.
Finally. I'm home.
I've got to stop thinking. I'm too tired for this. I'll just go into the apartment, and all these troubling thoughts will go away.
Until tomorrow, that is.
But tonight...
"Hideki!"
...I've got something more important to take care of.
"Hideki, Okaeri!"
"Tadaima, Chii."
It's so hard being me.
Cram school seems to be gettting harder, and the hours at work seem to be getting longer. I was still reeling from the shock of learning about antidifferentiation when the boss ambushed me with three hours' worth of dishwashing duty. It's amazing that the customers' livers don't explode, the way they drink!
I don't know if I can go on like this... but I have to! If I don't, I won't have enough money to eat, to pay Shinbo back all the money I owe him, to pay the electric bills, the gas bills, the rent...
...to buy porn...
Wait. One of those things was important. Let's see... it was...
Porn! NO! Damn this teenage hormone-driven pornlust!
It was something else...
The rent! Oh my God, I haven't paid the rent! It's been due for almost a week, and I keep forgetting about it! Hibiya-san is going to kill me!
No, I don't think she'll make it that easy...
She'll throw me out! I can see it now, the loser who failed the university exams will be going to cram school and work by day, and he'll be walking around the streets of Tokyo by night. I won't be able to take baths and brush my teeth, and by the end of two weeks I'll smell like a corpse! My poor hygiene will get me kicked off of work, and I'll be forced to dig through the garbage for scraps of food! AAAAAAUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!! MY LIFE IS RUINED!!!
No! It's not ruined yet! I'll just ask Hibiya-san to wait until tomorrow, when I get my week's salary. Then I'll be able to pay the rent! Then I'll work overtime in order to keep one step ahead of my expenses. Even if I have to clean the toilets using only a toothbrush and a bucket, I'll do it! I have to plan for my future...
...for Chii...
There I go again. What am I thinking?
She's only a persocon. IT's only a persocon. It's not alive. It can't feel hunger or thirst. I suspect that she doesn't even need to sleep--that she only needs to be recharged three of four times a week or something, and she could go on.
IT...doesn't feel pain. It doesn't feel anything.
Shinbo says that no persocon can feel pain. You can try to hurt it, damage it. It will be broken, but it won't be hurt. Shinbo knows a lot more about this stuff than I do, so I guess what he said is true.
Chii can't get hurt. If she's broken, she can be fixed. It won't make a difference.
And yet... I can't think of it that way.
I can't help thinking that Chii needs me. Somehow, I can't shake the idea that I do something for her...it... that no one else can. And I feel as if I have to take care of her...it.
It sounds crazy. And I know it's crazy.
I don't want to let anything happen to it...
...to her.
It's not as simple as taking care of what belongs to me. I don't normally get attached to posessions; most of my stuff are in boxes or in the closet, and I only look for them when I need them. I don't really care about what shape they're in, as long as they're still usable.
Chii is different. I'm always concerned about her.
She's not very useful, as far as persocons go. There are lots of things other persocons can do that she can't. Even so, she seems to be more than an ordinary persocon. Apparently, she has a lot of potential to become very powerful, much more powerful than others.
I don't understand all of it. In fact, I don't even try to.
As for her being my possesion...that was true at first.
But things changed.
Little by little, she became more than just something to be owned and to be used. She became more than a possession, and more than a pet. With each passing day, she grew more like a companion, and became less like an object.
She has become an important part of my life, and I have learned not to treat her as if she belonged to me.
Right now, she belongs to herself.
How long will it be before I belong to her?
Where did that come from!?!? I must be going insane!
It can't go that way... it's not right. I know it isn't. A human and a persocon...we can't possibly be like that. That can't be how the journey ends for us.
But I have to admit we've come a long way.
I remember the first time I saw her. She was very cute. Why anyone would throw her out was beyond me. Then again, it was none of my business if the previous owner didn't want her anymore. There's no harm in taking something that someone else threw away. If he didn't have any use for her, maybe she'll be more useful to me.
I was very excited to get a persocon, and I thought that my life was going to get so much easier now that I have one.
Once she had started up, though, I realized that my life would become much more complicated.
She had a woman's body, but she was like a child. She couldn't say much aside from "Chii!" and seemed to copy my every move. Every time I turned around, I'd look back just in time to stop her from doing something stupid or embarrassing, or anything that would stimulate my already overstimulated imagination.
I knew that I shouldn't let anything happen between us. It wasn't just that she was a persocon, although I knew that was a problem. It was also because Chii was an innocent. One with a very attractive body, but still an innocent. It was hard for me to let anything serious come into our relationship.
At the time, I didn't know what to make of her. Judging by her actions, she considered me to be more than a master. I was confused. How could a persocon put value and importance into anything or anybody?
In any case, she was my responsibility. The moment I picked her up, it was my obligation to take care of her. When Minoru told me about Chii's learning program, he said that it would be up to me to teach her.
Some people would've considered it annoying to have to teach a persocon each and every little thing. After all, they're used to the idea of just downloading the data straight into the hard disk, and that's that. But a working ronin like me can't afford such luxuries, so I had to go with Minoru's suggestion.
I really didn't mind at all, though, even if it was difficult. I've been very lucky my whole life, because there were always people around to help me with things I didn't know about. That's still true today, especially with Shinbo, Minoru and Hibiya-san to go to.
With Chii, it's a chance for me to be the one who helps out. It's not about saving money. Everybody was always there for me, and I've decided that I'll always be there for Chii. I want to make sure that Chii is happy...
Why do I keep forgetting? Chii isn't a person!
But she isn't just a persocon, either.
Persocons can be affectionate, but Chii is more affectionate than most. That's why it feels great taking care of her. Every time I'm with her, she has an expression that makes me feel as if I was the most important thing in the world to her. That she depended on me somehow.
I decided that there was no reason to read anything into it. Even though she was a persocon that had no emotions, it must be very hard for any persocon not to have a master. She had been thrown away, and she didn't want it to happen again.
I had no intention of throwing her away, of course, and I let her know that. I never made her feel unwanted or unneeded.
I never liked the idea of throwing her away.
Now I'm finding it harder to accept the possibility of letting her go.
I've gotten used to her.
I've gotten used to those bright, chocolate-brown eyes, looking up at me. To the way she hugs me every day, when I get home from work. Waking up in the morning, and finding her next to me.
I've gotten used to the way her pale skin shimmers in the moonlight... and the way her hair glows in the sun. I could swear that the late afternoon sky blushes with shame whenever she goes outside.
I've gotten used to her scent. It's not sweet and strong like fruit, or perfume. It doesn't smother the air. It doesn't overpower every other aroma in the room. But unlike other aromas, it lingers, reminding you of her.
She feels soft... warm to the touch. I know it's not real flesh that touches me when I'm in her embrace. Even though it's soft and warm, it's not the right kind: it's the softness that comes from synthetic fibers and plastic, the warmth that comes from electricity and friction in her internal machinery.
Yet somehow, it feels right.
Everything about Chii feels right.
I often question myself. Is it right to invest so much in a machine? Is it okay to consider Chii to be as important to my life as my friends and family? If so, would it be all right for me to say that she's become the most important thing?
Do I love her? Seriously?
I don't know.
But persocon or not, Chii is Chii, and that's worth more to me than her being more than a persocon or less than a human.
Finally. I'm home.
I've got to stop thinking. I'm too tired for this. I'll just go into the apartment, and all these troubling thoughts will go away.
Until tomorrow, that is.
But tonight...
"Hideki!"
...I've got something more important to take care of.
"Hideki, Okaeri!"
"Tadaima, Chii."