A/N: Hello McFly fan fiction lovers, here is my first attempt at a story featuring the boys we all love so much (one more so, especially)! It's rather sad and dramatic, but that's all good! It's loosely based on the songs 'Collide' by Howie Day and 'Holes Inside' by Joe Brooks, and you'll find that the events of each chapter is loosely based on the lyrics of the song it's titled after!

That is all. Enjoy! :)

Chapter One: BEING HERE

And the wind is blown and cold

And I can't escape the tears

One for every broken bone

And a hundred for all the years

- 'Being Here' by the Stills

It would have been a year ago tomorrow. It was the 14th and a Thursday, I remember; the anniversary of the day Danny left.

I remember praying for rain, or wind, or lightning, a storm of any kind really; any pathetic fallacy by means of acting out the pain I felt. I remember the pain. And I remember the disappointment and the unfairness when the entire day had been clear and sunny – an uncharacteristically beautiful day for mid-April in London, pairing with my uncharacteristically broken heart after being with him for two years.

I remember a lot of alcohol that night, and a throbbing headache the next morning, along with an overwhelming amount of disbelief, pain, and tears. There were a lot of tears.

I remember the unanswered calls, the perpetual ringing. I didn't know what was wrong, where he went, or if he'd ever return, and it seemed, I would never know. He didn't leave behind a note or any message for me to find. And of that I'm not quite sure if I'm thankful or resentful; either or, it wouldn't have made a difference, he was still gone.

I remember what we were, happy, together.

And I remember what we could have been, married, forever.

The diamond ring seemed to mock me as it sat discarded on our... my... bed; thoughtful, planned, holding so much promise and yet forgotten so easily.

He left his best friends too, similarly without any word. I had been the one to break the news to the three of them, painfully, and we all drowned together in the distraught.

What now? was a very popular question both personally and amongst the group. Even Tom, the strongest, the leader, the eldest, the one who always held it together, was emotionally thrown and at a loss as to what to do or to think or to feel, much like I was.

But after a bit of time for thought, Tom, Harry, and Dougie conceded that business matters had to be tended to before personal matters. The remaining three-quarters of the band McFly held a press conference after being given a week to regroup themselves. They explained that Danny Jones had left the band on his own accord for personal reasons, also explaining that they will be taking a long needed break. Finally they requested they not be asked further questions.

They missed him – all three on different levels of course; Dougie and Harry less than Tom who had been his best friend longer than the others.

I missed him too, and still miss him now. Dougie says I shouldn't miss him so much and should hate him instead because of what he did.

My boyfriend, my lover; their friend, their brother; the man who walked out on us all – there should have been hate.

But I couldn't, I could never hate him, and the wariness in Dougie's arguments as time passed, proved it to be true for him as well.

They couldn't hate him, they loved him.

I love him. Love, present tense.

I sometimes linger on the thought that he still loves me too, after all, we were together for two years, and he had gone so far as to buy the ring, meaning he had the intention in mind... but he left. So maybe it all hadn't been enough.

Danny left me, yet I still love him. I fear the pain, yet I would take him back in a second. This only leaves me conflicted a million times over.

It would have been a year ago tomorrow, if I wasn't here right now, sitting nervously in the waiting room of the Royal Bolton Hospital awaiting an update on Danny's condition. I figure, I had known all along that Danny was here with his family, but I had been afraid to see for myself; it would have only further proved that he'd rather be home in Bolton than home with me. But when his mother called relaying news that Danny had been in a car accident, fear for his life preceded the previous.

But now, I don't know where I stand. Danny had escaped without any major injuries, even though the doctor said it had been a serious accident. A few broken bones and some scratches; nothing that wouldn't heal with time, until he went on... "The physical and emotional trauma I believe will result in amnesia," he said sympathetically. "Now, Mr. Jones may or may not remember everything, but I think it would be best if the people closest to him help him out as much as possible..."

Amnesia... That word alone should have driven me away from there; far away from the horrors that were sure to ensue from this turn of events. I would have to remember. I would have to relive it all. Remember and live it, all over again, and no one wants that.

But yet, here I am.

Part of me is begging to go back home because it will hurt too much to relive how we fell apart; I need to move on and forget. The bigger part of me believes that I can never forget, but maybe in helping him remember I will finally find out why he left, as a means of closure. But the biggest part of me knows that I am still here because although Danny is a physically and emotionally strong man, I have seen the sadness and fear plague his eyes far too many nights to know how much he needs familiarity when he's vulnerable.

And, I'm here because I love him and I want to be here.

Maybe the pain will be less this time, I think to myself. I know it won't, but still hope it will be.

"Katherine..." a tired voice pulls me from my thoughts. I look up into pale blue eyes and just now notice my trembling hands being clasped firmly by warm, confident ones. "Maybe you shouldn't be here."

I frown at the detection of patronization that is being masked by concern. "Maybe it's you who shouldn't be here," I say a little more harshly than intended, pulling my hands to wrap around myself defensively.

"Please, don't do this again," Dougie sighs.

I know what those words really mean: "Katherine, please don't shut me out like you did when Danny left... I know you need me..."

This was true. I hadn't ever needed Dougie more than I have needed him over the course of the past year, especially during those first few months. Living without Danny had been painfully lonely. And though we both knew he could not give me exactly what Danny had, Dougie tried his best.

I hadn't meant for it to happen the way it did. But one night, too many drinks, and an overwhelming feeling of loneliness later, I realized that I liked the comfort I found from waking up next to Dougie, and just being with Dougie. I was being selfish; he was being selfless.

And I couldn't help but feel that he isn't being as honest as he should be, because on several occasions I have ill-advisedly pointed out that he isn't Danny, and he would say he knows and doesn't mind, but I saw the disappointment every time.

I breathe out slowly, keeping my eyes glued to the floor. "I know, Dougie, I'm sorry."

Dougie wraps his arms around me as I snuggle into his chest. Dougie smells like a Friday night out – mint and cologne and hair gel; not at all like Danny's scent of a Sunday afternoon at home – coffee and deodorant and clean laundry. Nothing smells quite like that anymore.

"I want to be here," I say. "But I don't know..."

"Don't know what?" Dougie encourages, stroking his fingers through my long dark hair.

"I just... don't know, Doug," I frown, defeated.

Dougie pulls back and holds my face, placing a kiss on my forehead. Frustrated, confused, and exhausted, I bury my face into his neck, drawing the comfort I need from him.

Dougie whispers into my hair, "Well you're going to have to figure something out, Danny is being discharged today."

I nod in understanding, remembering he had gone in to see him, unlike me; afraid to face him. "So, how is he?"

"He's fine."

The question plagues my mind – I need to know, need to know what I have to fill in for him, what I have to relive. "What does he remember?"

"More than we thought, actually," Dougie answers. "He knows where he is, who I am, and that his mum is well over forty..."

I shake my head, "I mean, about me. What does he remember about me?"

Dougie takes a moment, sighing heavily before connecting our lips in a long kiss. I know it's just a distraction; he's avoiding the question. But I allow Dougie to kiss me anyway, as I have allowed him to kiss me for nearly a year, and I still couldn't help but feel guilty – unfaithful to Danny, and unfair to Dougie.

I pull away, and look at the ground. My heart belonged to Danny, it always has. And Dougie had just cleared up that being with me is what Danny remembers, and I'm not quite sure if I can handle everything that comes with that.

At the sound of doors swinging open Dougie and I both turn to see a doctor walking briskly down the hall, with Danny behind him being pushed in a wheelchair.

Apart from being unshaven and his hair having grown, he still looks very much the same, except for his eyes. He looks scared and confused, and my heart aches seeing those crystal blue eyes lost and searching for something familiar. I see the vulnerability.

I am suddenly compelled to hold him, comfort him, and kiss him until he's breathless and there's no more pain... but, that wouldn't be good for either of us.

Then for the first time in nearly a year, my dark chocolate eyes meet with his crystal blue ones and I see them sparkle. He hasn't looked at me like that in a long time and that makes me hurt – he remembers being together.

But he doesn't know that he isn't mine anymore, he doesn't know how we fell apart... and saying that after a year, the pain is still fresh.

I take a deep breath and brace myself, taking in those eyes again, seeing the sparkle falter drastically at my frown.

I definitely shouldn't be here.