My first FanFiction ever. Made it at a sleepover. Just a peaked curiosity between Fifty Shades of Grey and Freed interchange. Especially Christian Grey's POV. Always intrigues me the most. No kinky stuffs here though. I focus on his feeling and well-being, not his lust; I want to give him a certain perspective and edge even though he's not mine. I like the way he loathes himself; not many guys or men would go as far as Christian Grey to hate his wretched life.

"Good-bye, Christian."

"Ana, Good-bye."

She left. She fucking left. I closed my eyes. I'm numb but afloat; my mind is lost. My pride, joy, and, I believe, heart, is broken. It already broke and froze before I met her and now it's crumbled to pieces and I have no strength left to gather it up again. Suddenly I felt it's so hard to walk. All my thoughts are scattered and my eyes is as dark as my soul. She's not mine anymore. I can't hold her anymore. She's gone. She slipped through my fingers.

"This is what you like? Me, like this?" My mind recalled the memory that just happened. Fucking happened just seconds ago. I stare at my hands. Yes, you're a beast. You're a disgusting beast; you don't deserve any of her.

Yes, I don't deserve any of her.

"Don't touch me!" No, no. Don't. Ana, don't, I recoiled. Just don't, Christian, I told myself. I was still standing in front of the elevator; still couldn't grasp what happened. I disgust myself. Why the fuck I hit her that much? Why the fuck can't I stop? Where's my so guarded self-control? I've warned her. I have warned her.

I froze as if waiting for the elevator to come back to my floor; still staring at those double metal doors waiting for something. No. Not something. I'm waiting for Ana. Will she come back? Please come back. I decided to wait. Wait a little bit more.

I close my eyes. No. She won't come back. Fuck! I ran my hands through my hair. What the fuck happened?

"Well… I'd better go, then." Yes, she better go. Don't go. What the fuck is this? Why do I need her so much?

I went back sulkily to my double doors and reached out for the nearest seating. What? Why? I put my head in my hands. I need you too, Ana. I need you, too. Please come back, I need you. I really need you. Please. Just, please.

But Ana doesn't need me. She's good without me. She's better off without me. I closed my eyes and recalled her face smiling to me. She's beautiful. She's a goddess. My goddess. Not anymore. And will never be.

"I've fallen in love with you, Christian." Oh, good God, no. She can't love me. She's not in love with me.

I love you too, Ana. What the hell am I thinking?

She's right to leave me; I'll never be good enough. This is how it's supposed to be. She'll never be mine and I'm not good enough. She's sweet, innocent, smart, witty, and I'm just a broken piece of shit and it's a miracle she stayed with me in the first place. I covered my face with one hand, the other on my thighs, and sighed. My life is over.

Yes, this is bound to happen anyway. I'm not right for her; I'll never be right. I'm a savage beast. She'll never forgive me.

"I've fallen in love with you, Christian." Why? I love you, Ana. I love you; I love you.

No. I bet she doesn't love me anyway; she left. She's not in love with me; maybe she's just… She's just… what? Did she really love me?

I just have to let her go. I'm not good enough for her light. Her beautiful beguiling light where I have no control whatsoever whenever she's near; my mind denied itself to clarity and common sense. Seems like my past has slipped to shadows from me when she's near. She's my solace, my savior; my life. And she's gone. Forever.

I need you, Ana. I love you. I'm blind. Blinded by everything that is – was – Anastasia Steele. My palms twitched and my feet are trembling like crazy, my head pounding, and my chest is ready to combust at any moment. I felt submerged and I can't do anything about it. I'm lost. I'm lost again. Everything's colorless again; everything's grey.

Ana. Ana. My Ana. I want to die; I wanted to die since a long time ago. I don't want to live anymore. Not when she's not with me; empty can so easily be defined. It's dark again. Snippets of my bloody memories of the pimp and the crack whore went with a charge and as quickly as Ana's presence ebbed away from my apartment, they're back. My demons are chasing up with me after she's gone. Fuck! Why can't they just leave me alone?! I sighed, stood up and reached the fridge for some water. Calm down, Grey. Control. What control? She's gone. Ana's gone.

I never felt these emotions before. My heart hurts. It hurts more than what the pimp did to me. My nightmares could beat me up all the way to hell but nothing will replace how I felt right now. It hurts as though nothing has any meaning – if they had ever any meaning at all; I felt poor, so poor. I want to wail. I want to wail for her big blue eyes that stares into my soul, I want to wail for my lost love, wail for everything that is left for her in me, wail for her to come back. Staring into my glass of water I recalled her smile, her laughter, her soft lips, her beautiful flawless skin, her touch. The way our skin touched. The way her brown hair brushes against my skin. Her bitten lip. Her hands in my hair, her smart words, our arguments, our moments in the elevator, our adrenaline; our time together.

It struck me like lightning; I need her more than anything. She's the one I'll always need; I'll do anything for her. Every cells in my body are alive when I'm near her; just being near to her. Why, why can't I realize this sooner? Why can't I need her this bad sooner? Now she's gone and nothing will undo my grudging damage. My beloved damage. I didn't regret driving to Clayton's. I didn't regret her first night with me or chasing her to Georgia. I don't regret anything; I can't and won't forget. I'm so thankful she happened in my life and I need more. More of her, more of us, and more of everything.

I stared up to the big windows overlooking Seattle and sighed. I found her in just a short time period and I depend on her almost immediately and bid goodbye to my proud self-control. Since then, every piece of music I played on the piano was surrounded with my thoughts of her. My e-mails are filled with little daily conversations and normality that I missed the most. My bedroom feels like haven whenever she's asleep beside me. One night, I remembered watching her sleep. She slept with such serenity and her face turned to me and I froze; I thought she was going to wake up. But instead, she mumbled "I'll never leave you, Grey". I felt at ease. I felt I'd risk anything for those words. I'd never leave her too. For the first time in my life, everything's just going to be fine; I calmed down. I silently brushed her hair – beautiful brown hair – and tuck some strands to the back of her ear. I touched her cheek, tracing the blushes she used to have the first time I met her in the office. I touched her lips where her teeth had bitten them. How could someone be so beautiful and dreamy at once?

This is unusual; I was never the melancholy guy. I sighed. Who's Anastasia Steele? What has she done to me? Why her? I just don't fucking care anymore. I don't care who she is. As long as she wants me back. If she wants me back. I have to say sorry. Will she ever forgive me?

I put down the glass on the kitchen counter and strolled around upstairs to her room – used to be her room and which she never used. I smiled at the memory. Yeah, she never sleeps here. She slept with me. She ended her days with me. I know I am pathetic. I know and I hate myself for everything I am. But she opened her hands and reached out to mine. I've never felt what alive means, I merely survive for my life up until I met Ana.

Opening the bedroom doors; I felt the depravity of my hollow and sadness. She's really gone. I stared around the bedroom and found myself lost in chaotic state of mind and heart. I've never deserved her in the first place anyway. I felt the eerie silent like a shadow, ready to fillet you alive with no mercy. I walked further into the bedroom and found a box on the table with her scribbled words.

This reminded me of a happy time.

Thank you.

Ana.

I opened the box and found parts to a similar mini Charlie Tango. I ripped the plastic cover off and started to assemble them. I spent my leftover focus on this. I have to finish this. I just have to. Slowly the numbness slipped away; altered into ambition and passion for that small model glider kit.

After the glider was finished, I glanced at the clock and it's a little over 3am. How's Ana? What is she doing? Is she asleep? Does she mumble in her sleep? What is she mumbling about? Is she crying? Is she okay? I need to know if she's okay.

All of the sudden I recalled her tears earlier. Her blue eyes were clouded with water, her beautiful face turned bleak and I'm the one to blame for them. Her eyes. Her tear-stained eyes. They made me unhappy; I want to kiss them away and caress her cheeks to clam her down. I closed my eyes, I miss you, Ana. I miss you so much. I touched the glider. Such a beautiful gift. I sighed. The hollow, sadness, and the numbness went slowly back again. I want her here. I want her now; she knew how to take this pain away. I turned to her barely used bed and lied there. I took the pillow and pressed it to my face. I need to feel her, even if it's only by my nose. I felt a faint rosy odor and I knew in an instant it was hers. Ana's here. I held the pillow tight and my heart crunched and twisted so bad. I miss her. I need her. Over and over again I kissed the pillow, pressing my head even harder into it. Suddenly faint wet pillow disturbs my reverie. My tears stained it but I don't care. They fell continuously without precaution and dried away. I rolled up and with numbness, darkness, and all of that is left of my emptiness dried up on the fabric of that Anastasia Steele's pillow.

I am really pathetic. Let her go, Grey. She deserves better. My subconscious whispered to me. I know, I know. I know I have to let her go. I know she can have better, someone more than I can never be. Now, calm your erratic thoughts down, focus, and washed the tear-fucking-stained face. Control, Grey, control. I sighed for the hundredth time. Yes, I know. But my heart won't oblige. My heart longs for Anastasia, my Ana. I felt the pang and smeared tears passed again through my cheeks. This is not me. I've never cried so far in my adult life. She made me cry, I snorted. Ana made me cry.