The trouble with jeans by Kizzykat
Maybe Alexander and Hephaestion fell asleep in a magic cave and woke up 2,300 year later. Or something.
Just so you're not confused, the ancient Greeks obviously didn't have zips, but neither did they have buttons or buckles.
"Alexander, I need some help with this thing."
"What thing?" Alexander, sitting on a beanbag, his arms around his knees, and engrossed in the images flowing over the television screen, looked up to see Hephaestion standing in the middle of the room, struggling with something in his crotch. He craned his head around Hephaestion's hips to get a better look.
"This metal contraption," Hephaestion said, his voice wobbling slightly in vexation. "I need to use the flushy-thing, and I can't get these silly clothes off."
"Here, let me."
Alexander leant forward as Hephaestion turned towards him and caught hold of the zip on the jeans Hephaestion was wearing. "Can I flush the shiny thing?" he asked, looking up eagerly at Hephaestion. "I love the way all that fresh, clean water just appears out of nowhere and disappears. It's like magic."
"That's not the point, Alexander! I need to go, and talking about running water isn't helping."
"It's not moving."
"Pull downwards," Hephaestion said in vexation. "Why can't I just go outside? That thing scares me. I keep thinking the water won't stop and will flood everywhere."
"The young lady told us not to go outside."
"We can't understand a word she says!"
"She made it quite clear we were not to go out of that door! And we need to find out as much as we can about this world first. This is stuck."
"I know it is! I hate these clothes! Why did she give them to us? They're hard, and tight, and uncomfortable!"
"She gave them to us so that we would blend in. I'll pull them off." Alexander knelt in front of Hephaestion. The jeans were indeed very tight on Hephaestion's hips and he struggled to get both forefingers hooked inside the material against Hephaestion's skin.
"Ow," Hephaestion protested. "Your nails are digging into me."
"Stop complaining." Alexander gripped the stiff cloth and pulled. It barely moved but cut into his fingers. He rocked Hephaestion backwards and forwards and managed to lower the tight band a little.
"This isn't going to work." He looked up at Hephaestion. "Can't you wait? She's gone to the market for food, so she can't be too long."
"No! I'm bursting!"
"Then you'll have to do it down your leg."
"Don't be ridiculous! I'd have to stand in a bowl or something, and then I'd be wet and smelly. Oh, Alexander, I hate this place! It's so restrictive, and noisy, and strange. And that box thing is driving me crazy!" he cried, waving with his hand at the television, from which music was coming. "Doesn't it ever shut up?"
Alexander stood up and looked gently at Hephaestion. "Where's your courage?" he asked.
"It drowned in my bladder," Hephaestion answered peevishly. "Oh, Alexander, let's get out of here! I haven't set eyes on a horse, a bird, a tree or a blade of grass since we've been here. I want to get outside where I can see the sky and feel the sun."
"There's a tree out the back."
"It's not a proper tree. It hasn't even got any leaves."
"It's winter." Alexander took Hephaestion's face in his hands and kissed him gently. "We will overcome this world, Hephaestion. We'll get you out of those things, find you some of the stretchy things like the ones I've got on, and then go out and explore. It's high time we got moving."
"Good. I'm about ready to start knocking some heads off."
"Not allowed," Alexander said, lightly touching Hephaestion's nose in admonition with his forefinger. "Seriously, Hephaestion, we need to be careful here. This is a violent and dangerous place from what I've seen on that box thing. They have these little hand weapons, no bigger than a dagger, that shoot invisible arrows. You can't see them coming and they're lethal; distance and darkness make no difference to them. And everyone has them, even the women; they kill their husbands with them."
Hephaestion stared at Alexander in horror. "We won't be safe until we get ourselves some."
"I know. And one of those horseless chariots too. Although they seem just as dangerous as the weapons; they're always crashing."
"The ones I've seen out of the window don't crash. They go in straight lines and stop when the lights turn red. And they have these great big wagons to deliver things. We could do with some of those when we go back."
"We've got to find a way to get ourselves back first. And to start with, I will go and get a knife."
"What for?" Hephaestion asked in alarm.
"To cut you out of those things."
"No! They belong to that young man and he might not like it. He already doesn't like the way you keep looking at the young lady."
Alexander looked a little flustered. "Well, she's very pretty. And very kind to have brought us home with her last night when we arrived."
"And her clothes are tight," Hephaestion said, pulling at his jeans. "They leave nothing to the imagination."
"She's not interested in me," Alexander defended himself. "But she blushes every time she looks at you."
"Does she?" Hephaestion looked up in surprise from his crotch. "Why? Isn't he her husband?"
"I don't know."
"He acts like her husband. He's got his clothes here. But if he's her husband, why doesn't he live here?"
"I've no idea!" Alexander cried. "Lie down over there and I'll try and pull those things off."
Hephaestion sat on the couch and lay back. Alexander knelt between his knees and began trying to work the jeans down over Hephaestion's hips and buttocks.
"How did you get these things on in the first place?" he asked in vextion.
"I didn't. He did. I left them open, and he came and did them up. He gave me a dirty look, like he was glad to lock me up, and I didn't see what he did. I've been stuck in them ever since, but I didn't think it was polite to complain."
"So you complain to me."
"But you always manage to fix things. I have faith in you."
Alexander gave him a rueful smile. Hephaestion gave him a gleeful smile in return, quite happy to have Alexander struggling to free him.
"How does that box thing work?" he asked Alexander, nodding his head towards it.
"She gave me a little hand-sized box," Alexander said, pulling a face as he worked at the tightly bound clothing around Hephaestion's hips. "And sometimes, when I press the symbols on it, the picture changes. But not always. It's like looking out of different windows at different people and places. But sometimes it changes itself and becomes night or a different place without me doing anything. I don't understand it. This is killing my fingers, and it's barely moved. You're going to have to let me cut it."
Hephaestion ignored him. "But is that a real window, or is it like the box thing?" he asked waggling his hand towards the window.
"It's a real window!"
"But it's got that hard, clear stuff on it like the box thing, and it keeps the air out. So are we living inside one of those noisy box things?"
"Oh, shut up and stop asking me questions I can't answer!" Alexander cried in exasperation, yanking at Hephaestion's jeans. "I spend my whole life answering your unanswerable questions."
"Sorry."
Alexander stilled, a small smile warming his eyes as he gazed at Hephaestion. "You know I wouldn't have it otherwise I would get bored if you didn't keep me on my toes." With a mischievous grin, he yanked again at Hephaestion's jeans. "These are moving."
"Ow, you're going to rip my manhood off! But if we're inside one of those boxes, are other people watching us?"
"All the more reason to get out of here! Can you get yourself out yet?"
"I don't want to if people are watching."
"Hephaestion! If you don't pull it out, I will!"
As Alexander reached to free Hephaestion's manhood, the door opened and the young lady came in, carrying bags of groceries. She stopped, her eyes wide as she saw what they were doing and began to back out of the room, fearing she was intruding.
"No, no!" Alexander cried, jumping to his feet. He stopped, smiled with friendliness, and held out his hand carefully. She stood still and he moved nearer, indicating she should put her bags down. Still watching him cautiously, she did so.
Alexander rewarded her with a dazzling smile and slowly took her hand with a light touch, drawing her encouragingly towards Hephaestion, who couldn't get up because he was crippled by the jeans which Alexander had pulled down across his buttocks.
Hephaestion gazed up innocently at her as she drew near, Alexander waving his hands over Hephaestion and trying to indicate the problem. She met Hephaestion's eyes briefly in embarrassment, and Hephaestion clapped his hands over his groin, suddenly aware he was perhaps revealing too much to a member of the gentler sex.
Alexander batted at his hands, and when Hephaestion wouldn't move them, pulled them away.
Blushing furiously, the young lady leant forward and, struggling somewhat because it was so tight against Hephaestion's body, undid the button on his jeans. Freed from the tension holding it in place, the zip flew open, revealing Hephaestion's manhood in all its glory.
Hephaestion let out a high-pitched moan of relief, and the young lady giggled in reaction. She clapped her hand over her mouth to smother her spontaneous amusement, and Hephaestion curled up in embarrassment struggling to pull his tee-shirt down to cover himself and at the same time trying to free his legs from the jeans.
Alexander ducked in to help him, grinning widely. They both ended up on the floor as Hephaestion kicked his legs free. He bolted for the bathroom.
Alexander scrambled to his feet and, grinning widely, bowed to the young lady with amusement as he backed out of the room and ran after Hephaestion.
Laughing, he came up behind Hephaestion, wrapped his arms around his shoulders and laid his head against him.
"She must think we are such fools!" he said, shaking with laughter.
"Stop it! You're making me spray everywhere!"
"Hurry up, we're going outside."
"About time too," Hephaestion said, turning around with a bright-eyed grin at Alexander. "Where are we going?"
"Who knows? But I think we're going to like this world. It's such a silly, strange place,and with such power! Stop kissing me!"