Grief is supposed to come in five stages. That's what they all say, right? I wasn't so sure; I had been stuck in bargaining for what felt like a lifetime. In reality, it had been something like three days. I wasn't really keeping track, though. It's not like I'm a stranger to grief either, my entire family is dead. But when they died, I had expected it to hurt. When Anders left me…that dealt a blow far more painful than I expected.
I was sitting in the middle of a clearing, surrounded by the dappled green light of the sun through summer leaves. If I was feeling less depressed I would say it was a beautiful day. But instead, the world felt oddly juxtaposed against the harsh reality of how I felt. I leaned back and closed my eyes, cursing the gentle warmth of the sun on my skin when it suddenly started to rain. I smirked. Much better. I let my thoughts wander as the cooling rain pelted my bare skin, though the sun still shone with not a cloud in the sky.
Anders…Where had I gone wrong? He wanted us to travel into Tevinter to offer our full support for the mage resistance. At first I wasn't reluctant to the idea; I had sided with the mages in Kirkwall, after all. But the longer I travelled with him, the more I began to notice a distinct change taking over. I finally gathered up the courage to confront him about…well, about everything.
"Maker's breath Katrin, I thought you stood with the mages?" Anders asked as he paced the length of the small cave we were sharing.
"I did, up until a certain mage decided to take matters into his hands and blow up the chantry!" My voice rose until I was shouting, which seemed to happen a lot lately. Anders rounded on me.
"How many times do I have to apologize for that before you let it go? I did what I had to, love. The Chantry and their ilk will never let us go free. Without some sort of catalyst, mages throughout Thedas would have been content to let the Templars make every one of them Tranquil. Now they know that they can fight back, that there is so much more to life beyond the confines of the Circle. I don't regret what I did." He pinched the bridge of his nose. "Do you?"
I regarded him for a long, silent moment. "Yes." I whispered, tears beginning to track down my cheeks. "Yes, I do. Anders, look at what this has done to you, to us. Look at how many innocents we've killed! Elthina was trying to stop this from happening and you…" I paused and looked at the ground. "Now, all that death seems so incredibly pointless. Thedas has descended into civil war, with more people dying every day. No one is free." I continued quietly.
Anders stopped his pacing and gently gripped my shoulders. "That is the price we pay."
The sudden flashback left me disoriented. Where in Thedas had that come from? And was the world…feeling a little fuzzy around the edges?
"I am Justice! I am the fight against the Templars! Sweetheart, there isn't much left when you take those two away." He looked down at his hands, eyes tight at the corners. "Why would you wish for me to be anything less than what I am?"
"I don't, Anders. I want you to be more. I know you can be more. Justice and the mage resistance are not the be-all-end-all of who you are. Please, come with me. We can go to the Anderfels and let the world sort itself out. We've done enough, don't you think?" I was pleading with him, hoping that I could get past the spirit and speak to Anders – my Anders. I had hoped that if we left and hid – something I was loathe to do – that Justice would quiet down.
"No, Katrin. We will not have done enough until every mage in Thedas stands free and unshackled. No more children torn away from their mothers at the first inkling of magical talent. No more phylacteries. No more fear." He wouldn't look at me. "There was a time when I thought you loved me enough to fight for my freedom. But I see that is not true."
"Don't you dare play that car with me. This is not about my love for you. My refusing to go to Tevinter has nothing to do with how I feel about you." I balled my hands into fists, tamping down my fury before I did something I knew I would regret.
"It has everything to do with how you feel about me."
"Loving you does not mean I will blindly follow where you lead! I am a person too, Anders."
"Loving me means that you would see me freed."
"Did we wind up in the Gallows when I wasn't looking? You are free, Anders. Please, I'm begging you, don't do this…if you do I don't know if you'll be able to come back from it. Justice is taking over and-"
"I'm in control." He interrupted.
"Bullshit," I glared at him, "because you didn't tell me the truth, I couldn't stop what happened; and the only person who told you to lie to me was Justice. Anders, he is taking over more and more every day. He told you to lie to the one person you could trust. And because of that, we are now refugees hiding in the outskirts of the Free Marches while we watch the world descend into Chaos." I sat down on a rock and hung my head in my hands. "I don't know where he ends and you begin. Is the man I loved even in there, anymore?" I asked softly.
Anders only stared at me. "Loved?" He asked quietly.
"Yes. No. I don't know." I bit my bottom lip and drilled a hole through the floor with my eyes.
Anders stared at me for a long time, long enough that I lifted my head to look at him. He turned away and grabbed his staff.
"I need to leave before Justice makes an entrance." He muttered as he stalked past me and out of the cave.
"Nug-humping, thrice-blighted, damnable demon." I yelled after him. He flared blue for a moment, but kept walking. And he never came back.
A choked sob escaped my lips as I watched the argument, and I pulled my knees up to my chest. Anders had never loved me, not really. Or maybe he really had, in his own way. But I was still a tool, and my love for him was the key to my manipulation. I had been a fool.
I furiously wiped the tears from my eyes and looked around. I was sitting in a forest, in the middle of autumn. When had I decided to sit in a forest? And wasn't it summer only minutes ago? Confusion slipped into my mind as I ran my hands along the dead and rotting leaves beneath me.
"Where am I?" I murmured.
"In the Fade." I tensed at the sudden voice behind me, gathering my magic in preparation of a fight. But when I turned, I saw a face I recognized.
"Feynriel!" I scrambled to my feet, releasing the magic as I wrapped him in a friendly hug, then held him at arm's length. "Wait, what are you doing here?"
"I'm…a dreamer. This is where I go." He smiled ruefully. I poked his chest.
"I know that. I meant why are you here," I gestured around me "in my dream?"
"Oh. I'm here to give you a warning."
"A warning?" I raised an eyebrow. Feynriel gave me a grim smile.
"The mage resistance is not what it seems. Most, probably all, of the mages that are leading the resistance are possessed by demons." I raised both brows in mock surprise.
"That's not that surprising, Tevinter is at the head of the charge." I considered him a moment. "That's not why you're here, though. What's wrong, Feynriel?" He fidgeted before answering.
"Hawke, they're going to tear the veil."
"And how would you know this? The Chantry would get involved the minute anyone even thought of that." I raised a skeptical brow. Feynriel frowned, shifting his weight so he could lean against a tree and cross his arms.
"Oh, the Divine knows. So do most of the leaders of Thedas." He said. "The Magisters in Tevinter have used blood magic to force these demons into unwilling hosts. I think the King of Ferelden is the only leader still…himself." I felt my stomach drop into my feet. If this was true…
"How do I know you're not a demon? Again, how do you know all of this?" It had happened before. I was a mage; a demon plaguing my sleep was part of the job description.
"Calling a demon out usually forces them to drop the ruse." He pinned me with his stare. "And I'm apprenticed to a powerful Magister in Tevinter. Word gets around." He straightened, took one of my hands in his. "You're in danger. They need powerful mages to tear the veil, and you're a very powerful, very well-known, mage. Though they don't know where you are, yet."
"I would never go along with that. Besides, there are Magister in Tevinter far more powerful than I." I scoffed.
"Think." He gave me a significant look. I crossed my arms and looked at the ground while I thought.
"Well, a blood mage wouldn't need my permission." I said slowly. I chewed on my lip while I considered my second point. "I still don't see why they need me."
"The mage that tears the veil will die. And the only Magisters more powerful than you got that way by supporting this plan." Feynriel sighed.
"Oh." So they needed someone else to die for them, and not just any mage would do. Still, nice to know I was above average.
"Don't get involved Hawke. Don't go to Tevinter, and stay away from Orlais. You alone cannot stop this." He locked his pale blue onto my honey eyes. "Please, be careful."
"I'm the bloody Champion of Kirkwall. I'm sort of known for sticking my nose where it doesn't belong." I muttered. "But I'll be careful. I promise." I sighed, leaning my head back to let the rain fall in fat drops onto my face. "Do me a favor?" I asked.
"Of course." He tilted his head.
"Get a message to Fenris…"