WAYS TO ANNOY EDRINGTON:

Call him Eddie

Ask him why he doesn't have a cool heroical death like Clayton or Archie

Bow in an extravagant manner every time you meet and call him "My Lorrrrrrd"

Hug him

Neglect to call him "My Lord"

Whistle or sing incessantly

Tell him red isn't really his colour

Remind him Archie has more fans than he does

Remind him that Mariette gets more screentime than him

Take him on board the Indy. Once he's stumbled around a bit, tsk loudly and say, "I can

see why you chose the army"

Walk ahead of him wherever he goes proclaiming "Here cometh the Earl!" and "Make

way for Head Lobster! Out of the way!" and ignore his entreaties for you to cut it out

Tell him his horse is looking underfed. Make sure his men are listening

Ask him when he last got his uniform cleaned, while shaking your head in disapproval

Pet his horse and give it sugar cubes while he's on it, trying to direct his troops

Forget his title: "Are you Count Edrington? The Duke of Edrington?"

Tell him horses are overrated and that he'd be much better off riding a wolf

Read out statistics about how much likelier you are to get shot if you're wearing red

.....and then inform him that he is a "Red shirt"

Every time someone mentions lobsters, raise your eyebrows at him appreciatively

Remark with interest that Voldemort is also a Lord – are they related?

WAYS TO ANNOY HORATIO

Sing or play an instrument without pause

Insist you can yell "FIRE" louder than him

Devise a points system comparing him with Archie and occasionally award or deduct points at random, muttering things like "You're catching up" or "Falling behind again"

Call him "Jonah," on account of his having the tendency to cause bad luck to everyone around him

Refer to him as "Lancelot" or "Mr Fantastic" and claim you forgot his name

Instead of using his title, just use "Leftie H." It's much easier

Pester him incessantly about the Mariette thing, citing his incompetency with catching her

Beg that he accompany you to a concert on his next shore-leave

Ask if he can make his frog-face at fancy dinners

Wake him up every morning by singing upbeat showtunes ("Got no mansion, got no yacht, still I'm happy with what I got, I got the sun in the morning and the moon at night!")

Insist that no matter how big he gets, he'll still really be a "Midgetshipman!"

Give him a "theme song." Sing it loudly

Burst into his cabin yelling "The French are coming! The French are coming!" Then, once he's in a flap and on deck, say "April Fool!"

Tell him that his name is in "Lord of the Rings" (It is. Bilbo thanks both Hornblowers and Bracegirdles in his farewell speech)

Say very seriously, in a stern tone of voice, that the Sidekick's Union has been watching his treatment of Archie and isn't too pleased with what it sees

Initiate a staring contest with him

Buy him a puppy, and act hurt when he doesn't want to take it on his ship

Make snide remarks about his being Pellew's favourite ("Of course, SOME people get promoted at the drop of a hat. But *I* had to work for it)