Hyacinth Camps Out

by Carole Jackson

The telephone rings at the Bucket Residence. Rose's latest gentleman friend, the Earl of Crawford (!) has invited the whole family to go camping on his estate. Glowing with the possibilities for social advancement this means, Hyacinth commandeers Richard to buy the necessary accoutrements and off they go, dressed for the occasion. Now, if only everything goes according to plan...

17

HYACINTH CAMPS OUT

A "Keeping Up Appearances" fanfiction

by Carole Jackson

with the greatest gratitude to Roy Clarke,

creator of these wonderful characters

SCENE 1. EXT. ONSLOW AND DAISY'S HOUSE. EARLY MORNING. A tent is set up in front of the door. Daddy is sitting in front of the tent, rifle across his lap, dozing. He is 'keeping watch' against the enemy. A Rolls Royce Silver Shadow limousine pulls up in front of the house. A rather bored, slightly disapproving chauffeur gets out, comes around and opens the rear door. Rose disengages herself from the arms of her gentleman friend and emerges from the back seat. She stands on the pavement, waving her hanky and blowing kisses as the automobile drives away. Dreamy-eyed, she turns and stumbles up the walk to the front door.

DADDY: (scrambles to his feet) Halt! Who goes there?!

ROSE: EEK! Father! (throws her arms up in the air)

SCENE 2. INT. ONSLOW AND DAISY'S BEDROOM. EARLY MORNING. (Onslow and Daisy are burrowed beneath the bedcovers, enjoying a deep slumber)

A bugle suddenly blares out with the CHARGE TO BATTLE!

DAISY: (abruptly sits up in bed and throws the covers off both of them) Phlap. Plap. (pummels Onslow) Wake up, Onslow! There's the call to duty!

ONSLOW: (rolls over slowly) Not this morning, Dais. It's only Tuesday.

DAISY: (rolls her eyes, disgusted)

The bedroom door suddenly bursts open. Rose enters, followed by Daddy, who is holding her prisoner at gunpoint.

ROSE: Oooh, our Daisy! Father thinks I'm a spy! He says I'm hiding enemy secrets.

ONSLOW: Not in that outfit you're not.

ROSE: Oh, our Onslow!

DAISY: (gets out of bed and goes over to Daddy and takes him by the arm) Now Father, just sit down here in the chair and we'll get you a nice cup of tea. It's all right. You'll be all right. Go make him a cup of tea, our Rose.

ROSE: It'll have to be black tea. The milk lady hasn't been able to get past Father's tent all week. (exits)

ONSLOW: (calls after her) And bring us a bacon butty!

DAISY: (puts on her robe and looks lovingly at Daddy, who has fallen alseep in the chair) We've got to do something about Father, Onslow.

ONSLOW: (lights a cigarette) I'll tell you what you can do with your Father.

DAISY: Onslow! And give me that cigarette, Onslow. You know Father's allergic. (she comes to Onslow's side and takes the cigarette from him and stubs it out in the ashtray)

ONSLOW: Aww, nice.

SCENE 3. INT. BUCKETS' KITCHEN. MORNING. The table is set for breakfast. Richard is sitting at the table, staring into space, eating his cornflakes. Hyacinth is bustling about the kitchen making tea. She is singing 'Oh what a beautiful morning. . . .'

HYACINTH: (stops what she's doing; stares at Richard) Richard. You're eating your breakfast, dear.

RICHARD: (looks confused)

HYACINTH: I wish you wouldn't start eating your breakfast before I sit to the table, Richard. It's very inner city.

RICHARD: You told me to start, Hyacinth.

HYACINTH: Yes, well I was being polite, wasn't I? I didn't expect you to do it, dear.

RICHARD: (rolls his eyes)

The telephone rings.

HYACINTH: Oh, dear! I know it's an emergency this time of the morning. I hope Bruce hasn't gone off again. Pour the tea for me, will you, Richard. (she clanks the tea pot down on the table and rushes out to answer the phone; pops back in just as Richard dips his spoon into his cornflakes.) And don't start without me, Richard. (purses her lips disapprovingly)

SCENE 4. INT. BUCKETS' HALLWAY. MORNING.

HYACINTH: (harried; anxious) The Bou-quet Residence! The Lady of the House speaking! . . . . Ohh, Sheridan! It's you! But what's the matter, dear? It's very early, Sheridan. Daddy and I are just having our breakfast.

[cut to RICHARD in the kitchen]: (eating his cornflakes furtively)

HYACINTH: Are you eating your breakfast, Sheridan? . . . . What? You and Tarquin don't eat breakfast? Now Sheridan. You need a "Full English Breakfast" if you're to do your best work, dear.

[cut to RICHARD]: (pauses with a spoonful of cornflakes halfway to his mouth, closes his eyes and nods agreement)

HYACINTH: What's that, Sheridan? . . . . You can't afford to eat breakfast? . . . . Well of course Daddy will send you a cheque, dear. That's what he's here for. Good byeee!

[cut to RICHARD]: (teapot in hand; sighs; shakes his head)

SCENE 5. INT. BUCKETS' KITCHEN. MORNING.

RICHARD: (putting the teapot down; he looks up as -)

HYACINTH: (enters) That was Sheridan, dear. He's not eating properly there at university. You must send him a cheque, Richard. (Sits down and begins to drink her tea.)

RICHARD: (closes his eyes; nods) Um-mm.

HYACINTH: (Stops. Stares at Richard.) Well, you can go ahead now, Richard. Eat your breakfast.

RICHARD: (purses his lips as if to whistle; trying to look innocent)

HYACINTH: (squints at him suspiciously; leans over and looks into Richard's "empty" cereal bowl; and then, disappointed) Richard.

The telephone rings.

HYACINTH: Oh dear! Poor Sheridan. He's forgotten something important! I knew there was something more he wanted to ask his Mummy! I can always tell. We have such a close psychic bond, Sheridan and I. I wonder what he wants? (jumps up and rushes out to answer the phone)

RICHARD: (shouts towards the door) Whatever it is, the answer's NO!

SCENE 6. INT. BUCKETS' HALLWAY. MORNING.

HYACINTH: (picks up the telephone; concerned) Now Sheridan, don't worry, dear. I know how to get around your Father - Oh, Daisy! (nervous) Ha ha! How are you dear? (serious) And how's Daddy? That noble old man. I'd have him here in a flash if he didn't leave his teeth in odd places . . . . What? . . . . Daddy wants to do what? . . . . Camp out? . . . . Daddy wants to camp out in a battle zone? Well, pitch him a tent in the garden, Daisy. He won't know the difference, dear . . . . Hm? Daddy's done that already? And now he's pitched his tent . . . . WHERE? Daisy, I think I misheard you, dear. It sounded like you said the Earl of Crawford . . . . (eyes light up) You did! You did say the Earl of Crawford! (She dashes to the kitchen door, pops her head in)

[cut to the kitchen]

HYACINTH: (standing in the doorway, telephone in hand) Richard! Daddy's pitched his tent on the Earl of Crawford's estate!

RICHARD: (drinking his tea; looks blank)

[cut to the hallway]

HYACINTH: (rushes back to the hallway telephone niche) Now Daisy, I want you to tell me this again, dear. You are certain about this, Daisy? You know how confused you get sometimes . . . . You did say Daddy's bivouacking on the Earl of Crawford's estate? (eyes glittering at the possibilities for social advancement this brings) . . . . Well, I know he has a large property, dear. Richard and I are quite familiar with the Earl of Crawford's estate. He has a very photogenic herd of cows. We often come in contact with them when we're out for a drive.

cut to SCENE 7. INT. DAISY AND ONSLOW'S LOUNGE. MORNING. Daisy is talking on the telephone; Onslow is sitting in his favourite chair, watching racing on the telly. He has a packet of crisps in his hand and is dipping into it at regular intervals. Rose is sitting on the sofa, painting her fingernails.

DAISY: He's Rose's new gentleman friend, our Hyacinth. And he's invited Father to pitch his tent there . . . . Yes! That's right. The Earl of Crawford.

ROSE: (speaks with bored superiority over her shoulder) Tell her I don't only know riffraff.

ONSLOW: This poor bloke'll be riffraff when you've finished with him.

ROSE: Shut your face, Onslow!

ONSLOW: And they're off! (He thumps the chair with his hand and the crisps go flying.) Awww.

DAISY: (covers the phone) Quiet, you two. I can't hear our Hyacinth.

ONSLOW: Now that's the miracle we've all been praying for: not hearing your Hyacinth.

ROSE: (smiles in agreement)

ONSLOW: (shouts over his shoulder) Oi, Dais! Give us another packet of crisps!

DAISY: (hangs onto the phone and maneuvers a packet of crisps out of the oversized box sitting on the floor next to Onslow's chair) Yes, our Hyacinth, that's right. Tonight. (tries to hand the crisps packet over to Onslow just as –)

ONSLOW: (jumps up) Aww would you look at that – he had him by a mile! (the packet of crisps drops on his head) Oww! Mind my head! (he sits back down, gives Daisy a look of disgust, and rubs his head) A lot of respect I get for being the breadwinner around here.

ROSE: Oooh! All this commotion! I can't do me nails properly.

DAISY: Be quiet! . . . . No, not you, Hyacinth . . . . Yes, that's right. Yes, Hyacinth. We're all invited. We're going to camp out! . . . . Yes, tonight. It's all arranged . . . . So you'll come? . . . . (to Rose) She's coming!

ROSE: (smiles with satisfaction)

ONSLOW: Aww, nice!

DAISY: (to Rose) She wants to know what colour tent the Earl of Crawford will be wearing.

ROSE: (confused) Oh he won't be wearing a tent, our Dais. He's a Naturist!

SCENE 8. INT. BUCKETS' HALLWAY. MORNING. Hyacinth is just hanging up the phone. She's grinning like the Cheshire cat. Bustles off towards the kitchen.

SCENE 9. INT. BUCKETS' KITCHEN. MORNING. Richard is working the crossword puzzle, pencil in hand.

HYACINTH: (grabs the newspaper out of his hand and folds it all in one motion) Richard!

RICHARD: (startled; breaks the pencil)

HYACINTH: Change into your better suit, dear. We're going camping . . . . (she sings with a little 'lilt')

RICHARD: Camping?

HYACINTH: Yes, Richard. We're going camping on the Earl of Crawford's estate! Oh what a coup. I knew Rose would come through for me one day! I shall organise a Casually Captivating Campfire Cookout with Synchronised Singalong! I must make a list. Who to invite – or should that be 'whom'? (she grabs the pencil out of Richard's hand; sees it is broken; puts it on the table; disappointed) Richard.

RICHARD: (shrugs) The Earl of Crawfor—

HYACINTH: Yes, Richard. The Earl of Crawford has invited us to camp out on his estate! (pulls him up out of the chair) Don't dilly dally, dear. Go and change your clothes. And wear an outdoorsy tie with your suit, Richard.

RICHARD: A suit and tie? For going camping? Hyacinth, even if it is the Earl of Crawford, I don't think -

HYACINTH: No no no! Not for camping, Richard! (she propels him into the bedroom) For going into town. We shall need a tent, dear! And quality accoutrements for better-class campfire cookery. Come along, Richard. We haven't got all day. We must be there by dusk! Oh, I must telephone Elizabeth. Emmet will never forgive me if I don't have them both join us for an evening singalong by the campfire! (she rushes out of the bedroom)

RICHARD: (shakes his head) Camping.

SCENE 10. INT. LIZ AND EMMET'S LOUNGE. MORNING. Emmet is sitting in a chair, cup of tea in hand, looks stunned. Liz hangs up the telephone, looks stunned.

EMMET: I am not going camping.

LIZ: It's only for an hour or two, Emmet. We don't actually have to camp.

EMMET: Then what, pray tell, will we do there (mocks Hyacinth's voice and pats his hair) on the Earl of Crawford's estate? (back to a normal Emmet voice) Sit around the fire and sing camp songs? (suddenly looks stricken)

LIZ: (nods her head and smiles ruefully)

EMMET: (looks sick)

SCENE 11. INT. ONLOW AND DAISY'S LOUNGE.AFTERNOON. Onslow is sitting in front of the telly, holding a remote control with both hands, concentrating hard on the screen, flipping channels methodically. Daisy enters, dressed in slacks and a blouse and jacket. She brings a sweater and proceeds to try to get Onslow into it.

DAISY: Here you are, Onslow. Here's your sweater.

ONSLOW: This is great, this remote. Save you a lot of trouble, Dais.

DAISY: Come on, Onslow. Get your sweater on.

ONSLOW: I'm not at me technological best all bundled up, Daisy. You can't expect me to operate my remote and wear a sweater as well.

DAISY: You can play with your remote later, Onslow. Come on. (gets him to stand up; takes the remote from him and puts the sweater over his head)

ONSLOW: Oww! (rubs his head) Mind my injury. It's from that packet of crisps.

DAISY: (hugs him excitedly) Oooh, I love it when you're injured and helpless!

ONSLOW: (disgusted) Just give us the sweater, Dais.

DAISY: Well hurry up, Onslow! Father's waiting for us. And Rose is ready to go!

ONSLOW: This should come as no surprise. Your Rose is always ready to go. Tell you what, Daisy. Why don't you go with her? I'll just stay here and keep the remote warm till you get back.

DAISY: We're all going, Onslow. Rose has told her gentleman friend that we're all going camping!

ONSLOW: Well I'm not sleeping in that tent with your father.

DAISY: You don't have to! I got hold of Steph – she's bringing the van! We're going to have the van, Onslow. Steph'll stay here and mind your remote and we'll have the van all to ourselves. Oooooh, it'll be just like old times. My mother always said you looked like an old van. (she has gotten him into his sweater; laughs; hugs him)

ONSLOW: Well just be sure and pack my bevvies. I'm not going camping without my bevvies.

DAISY: I've packed your bevvies, Onslow.

A backfire is heard.

DAISY: Oooh, that's Steph! She's here! Come on, Onslow. Let's go camping! (rushes out the door)

ONSLOW: Aww, Dais. (follows unwillingly)

SCENE 12. EXT. THE EARL OF CRAWFORD'S ESTATE. AFTERNOON. Hyacinth is hiking over hill and dale, dressed in dungarees, multi-coloured plaid flannel shirt, 'the pearls', hiking boots, gloves, shoulder bag, a tweed Sherlock Holmes type cap with ear flaps. She is using her walking stick and carrying a hand-sketched map. Richard is following behind, similarly dressed, but with one exception: you can hardly see him for the heavy backpack that's weighing him down.

HYACINTH: (shouts over her shoulder) Step lively, Richard! Keep up, dear!

RICHARD: Uh.

HYACINTH: (stops and consults her map; Richard continues walking, head down; bumps into her) Ooomph! Richard! Mind where you're going, dear. You never mind where you're going. How are you going to avoid life's little pitfalls if you don't mind where you're going?

RICHARD: (collapses on the ground, backpack leading the way) I'll do what I always do, Hyacinth. Wait for you to tell me.

HYACINTH: Richard. Don't make it sound as if I order you about, dear. (consults the map) Now! I think we want to go – this way! Come on, Richard. On your feet, dear. Faint heart never won fair maid!

RICHARD: (sighs; struggles to get up) That's the trouble with me. I've never been faint-hearted enough.

HYACINTH: (takes off up over the next hill leaving Richard in her wake, singing, 'Give me some men who are stout-hearted men!')

SCENE 13. EXT. CAMPSITE ON THE EARL OF CRAWFORD'S ESTATE. LATE AFTERNOON. In a clearing, a small pup tent is set up under a tree. Daddy, in full WWI uniform, is standing sentry duty in front of the pup tent. Next to it is a hippie caravanette. In front of the hippie caravanette, under a canopy, Onslow and Daisy are relaxing in lawn chairs. Onslow, having divested himself of his sweater, is sipping a bevvy while Daisy is savouring a Mars Bar. Situated at a discreet distance is the Buckets' campsite where every possible sort of camping gear is laid out in tidy array. Richard is struggling to pitch the tent while Hyacinth stands by and supervises.

RICHARD: I don't know why you won't let Onslow lend a hand. He was in the Scouts too, you know.

HYACINTH: Richard. I will not have my superfine teflon-coated nylon fully-waterproofed two-person tent installed by someone who drinks beer in his undershirt! What if the Earl of Crawford should suddenly appear?

RICHARD: He invited them!

HYACINTH: Yes, well he was being polite, wasn't he? The aristocracy are unfailingly polite. Especially when they're landed gentry like the Earl of Crawford. And as he is Rose's gentleman friend, I'm sure he felt honor-bound to invite Onslow and Daisy. But I assure you, Richard, he did not expect them to accept!

RICHARD: Now why didn't I know that?

Richard is fumbling with the tent poles, which have come apart from the tent and go rolling across the campsite.

HYACINTH: (rolls her eyes; sighs)

ONSLOW: (approaches the Buckets' campsite, carrying the wayward tent poles) Here we are, Dickie. Let me give you a hand.

HYACINTH: Richard doesn't need your help, Onslow. He has me.

RICHARD: (shakes his head at Onslow in exasperation)

ONSLOW: Well like I always say, Hyacinth – better late than never! (proceeds to help Richard put the tent up)

RICHARD: (looks at Hyacinth with new confidence and some determination)

HYACINTH: (puts her nose in the air) As you please. (walks a little ways away) Daisy! (beckons to Daisy) Come here, dear.

DAISY: (scrambles up out of her lawn chair) What is it, our Hyacinth?

HYACINTH: When is Rose arriving with her – er – gentleman friend?

DAISY: (puzzled) Her gentleman friend? Oh, you mean the Earl of Crawford?!

HYACINTH: Sh-h-h. Daisy, keep your voice down, dear.

DAISY: (looks confused)

HYACINTH: One doesn't like to go boasting aloud to all and sundry that one's sister is being embraced by the aristocracy.

DAISY: There's only just us.

ONSLOW: Your Rose has already been embraced by everybody but the aristocracy. She's worked her way up the ladder. Heh-heh-heh.

HYACINTH: Thank you, Onslow. That's enough of the coarse remarks. Richard, when you've quite finished here I want you to organise the campfire. Daisy, give me a hand here, will you, dear. I've brought some tasty little morsels for roasting round the fire. (goes to a cooler and begins unloading it, depositing plastic boxes into Daisy's arms) Here, dear, you can commence threading these tasty little tidbits onto sticks.

DAISY: (takes the armload of boxes back towards the hippie caravanette)

HYACINTH: Just a minute. Where are you going, Daisy?

DAISY: I'm taking these to the van. There's a table in the van. I can do these in the van, our Hyacinth.

HYACINTH: Well all right. But just be sure the table is clean.

DAISY: (mutters) It's clean.

ONSLOW: There we go, Dickie. You're all set now. (wipes his hands on his sweater and opens the tent flap)

RICHARD: (hesitatingly enters the tent; we hear him say) This is smaller than I thought.

ONSLOW: (makes a deep bow to Hyacinth) Enter, O Queen of the Desert. Your Sheik awaits you within.

DAISY: (stops at the door of the hippie caravanette; excited) Oooh, Onslow! Why don't you say that to me! You're my Sheik, Onslow.

ONSLOW: (rolls his eyes) Tsk. Uh.

RICHARD: (emerges from the tent backwards)

HYACINTH: (raises her eyebrows and closes her eyes; pursed lips)

DAISY: You're just so romantic, Onslow! Isn't he just so romantic, our Hyacinth?

But before Hyacinth can answer, Daddy suddenly bounds up to the Buckets' superfine teflon-coated nylon fully-waterproofed two-person tent, blowing his bugle "Sound the Alarm". He points towards the crest of the hill, where two figures are seen trudging along.

HYACINTH: It's Elizabeth and Emmet! I knew they wouldn't let me down. Nobody else could come to my Casually Captivating Campfire Cookout with Synchronised Singalong Event. But I knew Emmet, of all people, would never forgive himself if he didn't come.

EMMET: (out of breath, looks pained; mutters to Liz) When I recover from this all-day forced march, I'm going to strangle her.

LIZ: (aside) Sh-h-h, Emmet! (brightly) Hello, Hyacinth! Hello, Richard, Daisy, Onslow. Yes, we're here! Emmet insisted. He wouldn't have missed this for the world.

EMMET: (gives Liz a little shove)

LIZ: Ohh! (stumbles a little)

RICHARD: (stops tending the campfire and comes to her aid) Here, Liz, sit down here. (he draws up a camp stool and helps her over to it)

EMMET: (collapses against a tree and sits down on the ground)

ONSLOW: (comes over from the hippie caravanette, carrying a six-pack) Emmet? How about a bevvy to quench your thirst. (hands Emmet a beer) Dickie? (hands Richard a beer also)

HYACINTH: (frowns and looks on in dismay as Emmet and Richard accept the beers)

EMMET: (grins at Hyacinth as he pops the top of the beer; he holds the can aloft) A toast to the Campfire Queen. (takes a big drink)

HYACINTH: (looking pleased, flustered) Oh, Emmet, ha ha ha!

RICHARD: (gets on the bandwagon; nods vigorously in agreement and holds his can aloft in a toast to Hyacinth; then he, too, takes a big drink)

HYACINTH: (takes the can from Richard and gives it back to Onslow) That's enough, Richard.

RICHARD: (looks surprised, then shoots Emmet a jealous look)

EMMET: (grins and shrugs)

HYACINTH: (calls over to the hippie caravanette) Daisy! Bring Elizabeth a cup of tea, dear. And Richard. Is the campfire ready?

RICHARD: (standing by the campfire, poking it with a stick) It's blazing away, Hyacinth.

HYACINTH: Good! (calls over to the hippie caravanette) Daisy, bring the tea, dear. And where did you put my little things on sticks?

EMMET: I know where I'd like to put them.

LIZ: (aside) Emmet!

DAISY: (shouts out the window of the hippie caravanette) Coming, our Hyacinth. Come and help me, Onslow.

ONSLOW: (sighs; goes lumbering off toward the hippie carvanette)

HYACINTH: Richard, make sure the fire is roaring hot. I need a roaring hot fire for roasting these tasty little morsels, dear.

RICHARD: (busy tending the fire) Yeah.

DAISY: Here you are, Elizabeth. A nice cup of tea. (hands over the tea to Liz)

LIZ: Thank you, Daisy. I'm sure I shan't spill this. And so what if I do – we're out here in the middle of nowhere – it won't matter if I spill anything, will it? (giggles happily)

HYACINTH: (suddenly looms over Liz and leans down in her face) It matters enormously, Elizabeth. We're on the Earl of Crawford's estate, dear. This is not the middle of nowhere.

LIZ: (begins to shake her cup of tea) Oh dear.

ONSLOW: Here we go, Dickie! Little things on sticks. (hands over an armload of little things on sticks to Richard at the campfire just as )

DADDY: (rushes up with a bucket of water; he trips -)

RICHARD:Uuumph! (who stumbles and drops his armload of little things on sticks into the fire; whereupon -)

DADDY: (dumps the water on the fire, extinguishing it and -)

LIZ: (spills her tea) O-h-h-h.

HYACINTH: Richard! How could you? You've ruined my Casually Captivating Campfire Cookout! (begins to cry)

RICHARD: Me? It was hardly my fault, Hyacinth.

DAISY: (goes over to Daddy) That's all right, Father. It wasn't your fault. Come and sit down. I'll get you a nice cup of tea.

EMMET: (stands up energetically) Dry your eyes, Hyacinth. I'll tell you what. Liz and I'll hike back to the car and drive into town for supper.

LIZ: (stands up; looks at Emmet) We'll drive into town and bring supper back for everyone, Emmet.

HYACINTH: (goes over to Liz and Emmet, wiping her eyes with a hanky) Oh my dear dear friends. Whatever would I do without you.

EMMET: It is my fondest dream to someday learn the answer to that, Hyacinth.

HYACINTH: (eyebrows twitching; confused)

SCENE 14. EXT. CAMPSITE ON THE EARL OF CRAWFORD'S ESTATE. NIGHT. The campsite is tidy. The hippie carvanette is dark and silent. Beside it, Daddy's pup tent is dark and silent. At a discreet distance is the Buckets' superfine teflon-coated nylon fully-waterproofed two-person tent. There is a light emanating from within. The occupants are still very much awake.

SCENE 15. INT. BUCKETS' TENT. NIGHT. Richard is wearing a pair of red woolly longjohns and white woolly sox. He is unrolling a sleeping bag. Hyacinth is sitting on a campstool, removing her hiking boots. She is still wearing hiking garb, but has removed her hat. In its place is a multi-coloured beribboned hairnet.

HYACINTH: It's so thoughtless of Rose to keep the Earl of Crawford from arriving at my Casually Captivating Campfire Cookout with Synchronised Singalong Event.

RICHARD: I expect they've been waylaid, Hyacinth.

HYACINTH: Well, that's the story of her life, isn't it? Rose is always being waylaid.

RICHARD: (coughs; chokes)

HYACINTH: (raises her eyebrows and looks sideways at Richard) And Elizabeth and Emmet. Going off like that. Promising to bring our supper. And never returning. I don't understand it, Richard. How could they let me down like this?

RICHARD: Perhaps they're lost.

HYACINTH: How could they be lost? They found us the first time, didn't they? A supper of tea and smoky bacon crisps is not my idea of a Casually Captivating Campfire Cookout. And we had no Synchronised Singalong Event.

RICHARD: (gets into the sleeping bag) I'm sure there's a perfectly reasonable explanation, Hyacinth. Come to bed and get some sleep. It'll all look better to you in the morning.

HYACINTH: I suppose you're right, dear. (has removed her shoes and is looking at herself in a handmirror; stops; looks at Richard) Well that's not the Richard Bouquet - Boy Scout - I know. We mustn't forget our manners, Richard, just because we're camping out.

RICHARD: Huh? What are you talking about, Hyacinth?

HYACINTH: My sleeping bag. You're always so quick to take care of yourself first, Richard. You might've taken the time and organised my sleeping bag as well.

RICHARD: This is it.

HYACINTH: Hm?

RICHARD: This is it. This is your sleeping bag.

HYACINTH: My sleeping bag? . . . . You expect me to get in there? With you?

RICHARD: Well we are married, Hyacinth.

HYACINTH: Well of course we're married, Richard. We wouldn't have Sheridan, would we, if we weren't married. But really, dear. I expected rather a more orderly sleeping bag arrangment from you, Richard.

RICHARD: Apparently it's the modern way, Hyacinth. The man at the shop told me one sleeping bag would be enough for two persons who are married.

HYACINTH: (raises her eyebrows; looks doubtful) It's very small.

RICHARD: (exasperated) It's as large as our bed at home, Hyacinth. So get your things off and get in. And then perhaps we can get some sleep and this nightmare will all be over and we can wake up and go home.

HYACINTH: Well no need to shout, dear. (she begins removing her outer garments) And what do you mean 'nightmare', Richard. This is supposed to be fun, dear. Yes, it is fun. Isn't it, Richard? How many people of our social standing do you know who receive invitations to camp out on the Earl of Crawford's estate?

RICHARD: None, to my knowledge.

HYACINTH: Well there you are, you see! (she has removed her dungarees and plaid flannel shirt and she too, is wearing a pair of red woolly longjohns. She slides into the sleeping bag)

RICHARD: (reaches over and turns out the lantern)

SCENE 16. EXT. CAMPSITE. NIGHT. (We see the Buckets' superfine teflon-coated nylon fully-waterproofed two-person tent. It is dark but not silent. In fact, much commotion is evident within. We hear -)

HYACINTH: (surprised) Ooh! Richard, what are you doing, dear?

RICHARD: I'm zipping us up.

HYACINTH: Well you seem to have zipped me, Richard. You've caught my superior woolly campers' sleepwear, dear. Uhhhhph! Richard – mind what you're doing!

RICHARD: At the moment I'm not doing anything, Hyacinth. The zipper's stuck. Ohhhhph! If you could just move off –

HYACINTH: I can't move off! You've zipped me in! Oooohph! And do stop messing about, Richard. There's no room in here for that sort of thing! Uuuumph!

RICHARD: Ohhhmph! I should think that's the only thing there's room for in here. Ummph!

HYACINTH: Unzip me at once! Uuuumph! I order you, Richard! Ohhhph!

Lights are going on all over the campsite. Yes, never fear! As the Buckets struggle to extricate themselves from their sleeping bag trap, rescue is at hand. Onslow and Daisy, bravely fighting off sleep, emerge from their hippie caravanette to bring aid in time of ened. And ever alert, courageous Daddy creeps from his little pup tent with rifle poised to contact the enemy. All three converge – wide-eyed - upon the Buckets' superfine teflon-coated nylon fully-waterproofed two-person tent. . . .

SCENE 17. INT. BUCKETS' TENT. NIGHT. (Richard and Hyacinth are lying stock still, imprisoned in their zip-locked sleeping bag)

HYACINTH: Sh-h-h-h, Richard. I think I heard a noise, dear.

RICHARD: I can't hear anything.

HYACINTH: Listen. I think we're being observed.

DADDY: (enters the tent, rifle at the ready)

RICHARD AND HYACINTH: Daddy?!

DADDY: (abruptly stands at attention, swiping away at the tentpoles with his rifle)

Suddenly the tent collapses!

{{Well you knew it was bound to happen sooner or later, didn't you }}

TABLEAU. THE CAMPSITE. Richard and Hyacinth are sitting up, zip-locked into their sleeping bag, the tent collapsed around them; Daddy is standing behind them, keeping watch for the enemy! He has not waited in vain. Over the crest of the hill loom the large headlights of a huge Winnebago! It pulls into the campsite. The doors open and -

ROSE: (alights from the passenger's side and a distinguished looking man emerges from the driver's side) Oooh! It looks like we've arrived in the nick of time. Hyacinth, I'd like you to meet my gentleman friend, the Earl of Crawford. This is my sister, Hyacinth. And her husband, Richard.

THE EARL OF CRAWFORD: (bows toward Hyacinth and Richard sitting in the sleeping bag) Charmed, I'm sure.

RICHARD: (looks embarrassed)

HYACINTH: (manages a sickly smile)

ROSE: And you remember my sister, Daisy, and my brother-in-law, Onslow.

THE EARL OF CRAWFORD: Yes, of course. Hello, Daisy. (takes her hand and kisses her on the cheek) Good to see you again, Onslow.

DAISY: (looks dreamy eyed, clings to Onslow)

HYACINTH: (laughing, embarrassed) You'll have to excuse me, your Lordship. We had a little family hiccup occur earlier this evening. (apologetic) I'm afraid I can't offer you my Casually Captivating Campfire Cookout.

LIZ AND EMMET: (emerge from the Winnebago)

EMMET: Oh yes you can! We've brought supper enough for everyone! (starts unloading an armload of little cardboard cartons) What'll you have, Hyacinth? How about a Number 36 with fried rice and spicy prawn balls?

HYACINTH: (her eyes roll up in her head and she falls back in a faint, taking a zip-locked Richard with her)

"Keeping Up Appearances Theme Tune"

by Nick Ingman

* * roll the credits * * *

"Keeping Up Appearances"

produced and directed by Harold Snoad

starring

Patricia Routledge as Hyacinth

Clive Swift as Richard

Geoffrey Hughes as Onslow

Judy Cornwall as Daisy

Mary Millar as Rose

Josephine Tewson as Liz

David Griffin as Emmet

originally played on BBC1

1990-1995