Author: amoureuse87
Title: Closing my eyes this time
Rating: K+/T, I'd say it's more K+ tho
Warnings: Slash obviously
Word count: 1617
Genre: slash, death
Summary: Sometimes our hearts get torn open
Disclaimer: I do not own the characters or get any money from writing fics. Also I'm not implying this stuff to happen in the series.
A/N: Not much to be said., really Dedicated to my dad. Reviews would be nice.
"Come on sweetheart, you'll have to eat something," Blaine tried to persuade me, but I just shook my head.
"I'm not hungry," I answered shortly.
"But you must eat! It'll do you no good if you don't eat," Blaine stated, he tried to give me a sandwich. I looked at it and felt disgusted, I couldn't help it.
"I'm sorry, but even a mere thought of eating makes me feel sick," I apologized.
Blaine looked at me, sighed and hugged me. I tried to hold him close in order to make him tighten his grip of me. I was broken in thousands of little pieces but him holding me pushed some of those bits back together. It would take some serious hugging but it sure helped a bit.
I closed my eyes and leaned back, the sofa was almost too comfy. I didn't want to sit in a good position, it was unfair! Dad would never be comfortable again, he wouldn't be hungry, he wouldn't feel a thing. He was way too young to die, I was way too young to lose a father, Blaine was way too young to be forced to deal with me in a situation like this. I had never expected life to be fair but this was way worse than I could have ever imagined.
Blaine stroke my hair, I could see tears in his eyes. I closed my eyes again, I had enough to carry in my own tears, I just held Blaine close. I knew that he had liked father a lot, they'd had a good connection. I believed that Blaine would survive, I just didn't dare to be too sure about myself. This was so different to me. Maybe it was a bit selfish to think about it this way but well, I had every right to be selfish this time.
Never ever would I forget the day when the police came to drop the bomb to our house. Carole and Finn were out and about to return, I was at home with Blaine. I had opened the door and waited for the police to talk. I could remember so accurately the looks on their faces once they realized that only I was in with my boyfriend.
"I'm sorry, but we have bad news," they had said, after making sure that I wasn't underage and that Blaine was kind of a part of the family. Those words would be tattooed on my mind for the rest of my life. The coming was about to crush my life for a good while.
Dad had died.
Died.
D. I. E. D.
Closed his eyes for the very last time.
I had been devastated, I still was. It was more terrible than anything else to hear that kind of news from total strangers. It had crushed me, crushed me deep into the ground. The heart attack had been big, too big for anyone to do anything about it.
I cuddled myself to Blaine's lap, he kept holding me close, gently stroking my arms. I knew I should try to straighten my back and get myself back in some kind of package, we should be planning of the funeral already. It was so stupid that there was a lot of stuff to be organized, in a way. All I wanted to do was to weep after my dad. Everything should've stopped the moment he fell asleep and found out that he wouldn't wake up. The whole world should've moaned with me.
"I'm not going to sing in dad's funeral," I whispered.
"You don't have to, it's okay. Someone else'll sing, if you want it," Blaine stated.
"I don't know. I wouldn't want the funeral to be too quiet but there are too many songs to choose from," I complained.
"There is a lot of time to decide, you know. You'll find the right song, everything'll get organized in a good way," Blaine promised.
I looked at Blaine, I actually believed him. I didn't have too much moving inside my brain right now but I knew that I could count on Carole, Finn and Blaine. Besides, he hadn't tried to say that everything would be OK someday. It would never be okay again. I was only nineteen, I was way too young to have lost my both parents already. Of course I had Carole now, but it was still so different. Even though I was a grown-up, considering my years, I needed parents.
I tried to force my breath deep, use more of my body than just the breast. It actually calmed me a bit, I could feel how everything inside changed slowly. I was numb. I welcomed numbness, it was such a good change. It was almost too much to be heartbroken all the time, at times it was better to feel nothing at all. I had scared the first time, I thought I had lost all of my feelings for good. The sorrow had returned quite soon, it was like a huge wave that hid everything else. I knew that I had a lot of love and other feelings inside, but none of them could be seen right now.
The sorrow had tied it's tentacles around my heart, it was way too close to my heart. It was trying to compress my heart into a very small pocket-sized model. I kept fighting against it but it was strong, stronger than I had even thought. I still remembered how it had attacked me when mum had died but this was even worse. I had turned to dad ever since, he had been all that I had, he had saved me through the most difficult times of my life. Now he was gone.
Dad would be around to cheer me up never more. He would never see me and Blaine making our relationship official. He would never see the kid we were planning to adopt, his grand-children would never get to know their grandpa. I could dedicate everything I'd do to dad, but still, he wouldn't be there to smile for me. I'd have to get my things done without having him behind me, ready to catch me if I tripped.
Tears started falling to my cheeks, I didn't even realize at first that I was crying. It was quite normal nowadays, tears didn't ask for my permission to enter the scene.
"Is something wrong?" Blaine asked, I almost wanted to laugh. Of course, everything was wrong, my dad had died! I just tried to control myself, I knew what Blaine meant.
"Not more than usual. I can't help it," I explained through the tears, my voice was shaky and broken.
"Let me get you some paper, I believe we already used all that I had," Blaine said and tried to lift me. It took me a while to understand that he had more paper somewhere else, I got up and sat on the sofa.
I watched Blaine walk away, even though I was still devastated, it was a small bit easier. For the first two days I hadn't left Blaine alone for a second, I even followed him to the toilet-door. Now I could let him go to another room without me. It wasn't much but it was something.
I decided to get up as it got easier and my face dried up. I wanted to see Carole, it felt the most necessary thing to do at that moment. I wandered around, Blaine saw me and tried to say something, but his voice didn't catch my ears this time. Or actually, his voice did, but I didn't understand words. He noticed my state and followed me with napkins in his hand.
Carole was on their bedroom, she was sitting on the bed, holding a picture of dad. It wasn't much of a picture, dad really didn't want to be photographed. I feared the day when I would no more be able to remember dad's face. He would be in my life as long as I still thought of him and what he would've done, but his image would sure fade slightly.
I sat next to Carole, looking at her made me cry again. Blaine handed me a napkin, I took it but let it fall to my lap. I held Carole's hands in mine and tried to really look deep into her eyes.
"We both sure suffer a lot now, but I wanted to say, that I love you. Mum," I whispered. There was enough space and love in my heart for another mother. I had called Carole mum once or twice before, but now I felt like it should be said.
Carole couldn't answer, but she hugged me. It was more of an answer than any words could ever have been. For a short moment I felt a strange feeling.
Hope.
For a split second, I believed we could survive.
That we could get through this all.
That once everything would be better.
It wouldn't be okay, but it would be manageable.
That would maybe happen some day, but now it was time to cry and feel sad. We had a lot of time to be happy, now it was time to mourn dad's death. He had done great things and should've been able to do many more. It was unfair, but sometimes life just is unfair.
I closed my eyes, let the tears run wide. I hugged Carole, felt another arms around me and thought that I heard Finn's voice. I had a lot of power next to me, I wasn't alone after all. They would help me.