~ THE SECRET SUN ~
A Cold Case Fanfiction By BarbaraCB
Note: Sorry for any grammar/language mistakes, I'm Brazilian and not quite fluent...
Disclaimer:
Lilly Rush, Scotty Valens and their interrogation and observation rooms belongs to Meredith Stiehm.
"I believe in fantasies invisible to me
In the land of misery I'm searchin' for the sign
To the door of mystery and dignity
I'm wandering down, and searchin' down the secret sun"
s§s
I pressed the elevator button for the third time and waited for it. Again.
The relief everybody was feeling was like an atmosphere that was involving our entire floor. It was all we could think of and after the absolute hell that lasted almost 24 hours, the air around us seemed to be much lighter. It is unbelievable how people really work as a team when a cop is shot; everything ended exactly how our superiors and the close partners wanted to – meaning our squad and me.
The elevator was taking too long to come – maybe somebody was holding it at some floor below…
Impossible not to think about the first time a situation like this ever happened. At least for me, it was impossible. I knew very well what Vera felt when his hands touched the blood of his almost-dead partner on the floor. Feeling he was losing him. That he had his friend's life in his hands, and for a silly mistake, he let it fall and break in thousands of fragments that seemed too small to ever be fixed. And I saw inside Lilly's irises that she also remembered her almost-death when they focused Will's blood spilled at the crime scene. The awful experience whose presence was slowly being added to her daily life was violently thrown right before her eyes… But she passed through it and now Jeffries was doing the same thing, resting and recovering, while us, the rest of the team, were returning to the normality of the Department.
Finally, I got into the elevator and pushed the Homicide's floor button.
The conversation between me and Frankie played inside my head after I remembered what I was doing up there. I had to apologize. And say another grateful thank you. If it wasn't her intelligence and her hair dryer, we would have taken more time to get to Gabriel and God only knows what that kid would have done – he would probably put a bullet in his head and Lilly and I would get there just in time to see his brain slipping on the walls. Anyway. The boy was very alive and even shot against us. This entire situation proved that Lilly could be a cop that followed the protocol when she shot him back. Obviously she has no intention to kill him, but when it's about guns, there's always the risk - but she definitely didn't want to take a bullet on her face or take another friend to the hospital in less than 24 hours.
I shook my head while I was walking through the Homicide's corridor, removing all that inconvenient and uncontrollable thoughts sometimes we have, involving alternative and not-so-nice conclusions to determined situation.
I walked to our corner, next to Boss's office. I really wanted to get my stuff and leave as soon it was possible. My body was begging for a bed. There was nobody there but Lilly, who was sitting at her desk with a thoughtful look, staring at a silver necklace. A slight curiosity ran inside my mind, but I decided to ignore it – as I always do when this kind of thing happens. Then, I saw that Boss was still in his office, organizing the files of the case with a tired look upon his face, controlled by his will of finally end that thing mixed with something he was drinking. I got some papers related to the case that were still on my desk and went to his office.
- Boss. – I said, stopping at the door. His head turned around and he looked at me.
- A drink, Scotty?
When I got close, I could see that it wasn't just a tired look – he was exhausted. And what he was using with his willpower was Whisky.
- Thanks, Boss, but no. I just came to leave this. – and gave him the reports. – Just statements of some people that live around Pop's.
He put his glasses on and looked at the papers.
- Thanks, Scotty. Now get the hell out of here and get some sleep, you look awful. – he said, looking at me with an amused smile.
I just nodded.
- See ya, Boss. And you don't seem better than me at all. – I answered with a smirk, leaving the room.
- Good night, Lil. – I said, when I passed by her. She raised her eyes after a few seconds, leaving that hypnotic trance she seemed to be when she realized I was talking to her.
- Oh… good night, Scotty.
She was still holding that necklace.
That same curiosity played around my expression, and once more, ignored. Then I walked down the corridor, daydreaming about my bed, imagining myself under that sheets that I haven't seen for so long and…
Shit.
There were still papers related to the case dispersed at the Department that needed to be filed. I thought about doing this after some sleep, but if by any chance those papers disappear, I'll be for it when Boss finds out. Turning around, I thought if it was possible to include hours of sleep I have lost in my pay slip… I knew I couldn't do that, but I could imagine, it's for free. For while.
I entered in the observation room on quick steps, looking for the damn papers that were between me and my bed, finding it without biggest problems. I put them inside an empty folder I found around there and when I was about to leave the room, I saw a movement with the corner of my eye and instinctively raised my eyes to see what was it.
It was Lilly coming inside the interrogation room, on the other side of the mirror.
She closed the door behind her and leant her back against the wall, staring that silver chain coiled around her fingers. I just watched, waiting to see what she was going to do, my curiosity finally winning the inner struggle with the almost non-existent reason I have. She closed her hand, pressing the necklace against her heart. That scene was quite intriguing… So I stepped towards the window to see it better.
The Police Academy, Narcotics and Homicide departments gave me experience and taught me to be watchful for anything that could happen to me, my partners or civilians, and so did my life experience. But neither the Police Academy nor school of life nor any other one could tell me how to be prepared for what I was about to see.
"You will cry all alone
But it does not mean a thing to me"
Lilly collapsed and started to cry, so painfully and broken that I instantly went towards the glass, placing my hand on its cold surface as if I could pass through it. And after the shock of seeing Lilly Rush crying like a little girl lost among the crowd, the doubt came inside my mind – what in the hell I should do next, which decision I should make…
Damn. Why she always do that?
One thing is her will to be alone with her thoughts, but it's another completely different thing when she does it every time she feels lost. The consequence was exactly what was right before my eyes – a stampede of feelings and tears, running out and down in a way that was stabbing me.
I turned the intercom on and Lilly's weeps came to me, uncontrollable and broken for being trapped inside her for too long. I leaned my forehead against the cold surface of the glass. I closed my eyes, listening to my best friend's cries on the other side of the mirror, and feeling like shit as a friend for leaving her the way she was, but on the other hand, I was leaving her alone because she chose to hide her tears inside that room.
I was betraying her just for being a witness of what was happening there.
"The Sun is in your eyes,
But you can't see the Sun
Ever in the darkness"
She was crying more and more and I was feeling weepy myself just for watching and listening to that with tied hands. Suddenly, I remembered of something that happened after Cooper had left. When he left Lilly, I remember of a glint of something she put inside her pocket.
- He heard about Will and wanted to make sure I'm alright… Tells me "be careful"…
She finally understood the meaning of it. Even more because her father said that, the one who disappeared for at least 30 years and came out from the ashes, out of the blue…
Or maybe… she was the one who came out from the ashes.
Everything was making sense – all that times I saw the name "Paul Cooper" on her screen before she closed it, realizing I was getting closer or watching her; the letters she said that belonged to her neighbor; the non-existent traffic she was always accusing of for her lateness. And adding it to the fact that her father was worried about her safety, Will's almost death, the memories of her own almost-death experience, the boy she nearly killed, and 24 hours awake, it wasn't really a surprise she was the way she was in the other room – but it was shocking, considering that she was Lilly Rush, the one who never cries. And it consumes me since I met her.
Oh, hell...
I focused on the white figure on the mirror's opposite side. She was on her feet with her hands resting on the table, face down. If I ignore the fact like I always do and just go home, I would show up the next morning more concerned than I already was, and with more shadows under my eyes than a zombie from "Thriller" for 48 hours without sleeping. If I went to her, she would never forgive me for invading something so personal and secret. Thinking carefully would be a very good idea on that situation, but I had no time for that; sometime she would leave that room and everything would be "forgotten".
Considering the possibilities I had made me face my decision. A wave of anxiety swept through my body. I was sick of that. It was always the same thing. Besides, I was never known as the one who makes the most reasonable decisions…
"If you are near to the dark,
I will tell you 'bout the Sun"
I walked to the door next to me with quick steps and turned the knob. When I got into the interrogation room, Lilly raised her stormy eyes, shocked. She instantly dried her tears with her hands, but her fair face had so many red trails and she was seemed so broken-hearted, that she did not even try to make up an excuse that wouldn't convince not even a five years old – like she always does. She looked at me in silence, half embarrassed, half angry, and waiting for whatever that would happen. And I wouldn't be in silence.
Enough of non-said words.
"You are here, no escape
From my visions of the world"
- I'm done, Lil. I'm tired of seeing you wasted because you can't sleep at night; tired of your silent sadness while you pretend everything's OK. I won't say I know what you feel, 'cause the truth is I don't. But I understand and that's why I respect your silence code. But what see here is just… too sad for me to ignore this time.
Lilly stared at me with surprise inside her grey eyes. I took a step towards her.
To hell with her silent rule of "non-contact-involved" with other people… like one of those sugar-girly movies, I came closer and brought her body to mine, wrapping my arms around her shoulders, holding her in a strong but gently way. After a few seconds of surprise I knew she was, I felt her hands on my ribs, as if she was going to push me away, but she didn't. Instead, she laid her arms on my back.
I supported the weight of her sorrow the time it was necessary to, patting the almost white strands of her hair, and listening to her spilling more tears.
"Knowing the song I will sing
Till the darkness comes to sleep"
Our workmates know her since a long time ago, and they know very well the way she is. That's why they let her with her own silence and almost never ask her questions about it, just like me. I wouldn't ask her what was going on – if she wants to tell me, I would listen carefully what she had to say. However, I thought she wouldn't do it and it didn't bother me at all. The most important thing was that she had to realize that crying alone for years is a burden too heavy to be carried and I could help her on it – a shoulder to cry on. Literally.
Here at the Homicides, we all protect and worry about each other, but the factors that differ this situation from any other are the protective instinct that I always had towards her and this unexpected 'caught-in-the-act' moment that unchained all the rest – and now, reflecting for a second, there's what I think of her and the whole situation.
Everybody here knows that she is a competent officer and a trusty person; but what nobody is able to see and I could perceive since the first time I had knowledge of what happened to her in her past is exactly what I have in my arms right now – a sorrow is too wide for a fragile body and someone that just needed to be sure that she was not going to be left alone ever again….
I felt her hands push me away with daintiness. I let her go and pulled two chairs away from the table. We sat down there for a while, waiting her to get calm. When the slight sobs that remained were gone, I felt her gaze on me. I raised my own gaze and stared at her. Her face was pink, forming trails where the tears burnt her skin.
- I am… getting on well… you know… with him.
I almost heard a choir of angels on the background – not for the 'finally!' that was present in her interrupted sentence, but for the warm wave of happiness that dispersed inside me when I heard that. Finally things were getting right for her…
- I'm glad to know, Lil. – I just couldn't refrain from smiling. – Really.
Her lips slightly turned up and then she looked down at the silver necklace that was still coiled around her white fingers.
- He gave me this today, this afternoon. – she said, giving it to me. It was an image of Saint Jude. – He said it was going to protect me, to help me. To give him some comfort, you know…
She made a pause, resting her chin on her fists.
- He… came here just to see me… - she said, as if she couldn't believe in her own words. But I knew it was only because she was not used to this kind of thing.
"Come to me, I will tell
'Bout the secret of the Sun:…"
- You know, Lil… - I started, giving back her treasure; but I wasn't giving it back to the Lilly-from-Homicides. I was placing it on the small hands of a little girl, happy for the gift that her daddy gave to her. It was the Little-Lilly. The one that I always could see in her eyes.
She looked at me, waiting for what I was going to say.
"…it's in you, not in me
But it does not mean a thing to you."
I was waiting for a long time to hear something like this.
A fragment of a shaken laughter came out from her lips and then she smiled at me. She seemed very different from the Lilly of yesterday or from years ago. Infinitely different. The whiteness that prevailed on her image was glowing, more and more. And, for the first time I could see that she was truly happy, as if nothing in the whole world could knock her down at that moment.
- Thank you, Scotty. – the silence in my expression said by itself that it was not necessary. I was just doing what I felt that was the right thing, nothing else.
I got up, my lips turning up into a tender smile. I extended my hand to her in a gently move, silently asking for her necklace again. She gave it to me; I opened the clip and placed it on her neck. She held the pendant between her fingers, softly.
- Ready to go? – I asked, one of my hands on her shoulder. – It's not that comfort right here to sleep, you know. Supposing you are about to fall asleep at any time, just like I am right now.
She stood on her feet and walked to the door, but before she left, she looked at me again and said almost in a whisper.
- I'll get my stuff.
When she left, I went back to the observation room and got my things, not leaving the folder – blessed papers! – that was on the desk. Then I went to Boss's room, that looked at me with a 'what-the-freaking-hell-are-you-doing-here-yet?' look when I gave him the last reports. I said good bye definitively for that night and walked to the elevator, where Lilly was waiting for me.
We walked in silence to her car at the Police Station parking, where I left her.
- Good night, Lil.
- Good night. – she answered with a tender smile, get into the car.
My car was a few cars ahead, and I continued the walking.
When I was almost getting home, I realized I forgot to say something important to her. I got into my home, pulling out my cell phone and calling her number.
She quickly answered it.
- Rush.
I hesitate for a moment before I answered back.
- I just wanted to say… I'll be by your side, Lil. Anytime you need.
On the other side, I heard her voice in a brief and low laughter.
- I know, Scotty. I'm sure you will.
"The Sun is in your eyes,
The Sun is in your ears,
I hope you see the Sun
Someday in the darkness."
s§s
By BarbaraCB
Quotations:
Intro: "Key of the Twilight"
Inside the text: "Aura"
Both songs belongs to Kajiura Yuki,
and were composed as Original Soundtrack to the anime franchise ".Hack/".
Ok, let's be sincere now:
The truth is that I wasn't going to post this fic. I dunno. It seemed a good idea when I was writing, but then I realized how GIRLY-SUGAR it is x_x. Even that who began this girly-sugarness were the writers (the scene where Lilly stare at the necklace and presses it against her heart, for example).
This fic was a mix of single ideas that I had:
1- "The Secret Sun" thing in the song "Aura". When I was writing "Inside the Shell" - my Cold Case-Law & Order SVU crossover -, I saw this lyrics and immediately thought that "the Secret Sun" was the most beautiful things that Lilly has inside her, and all that sorrow that she feels covers it almost completely. And Scotty can see it, for being the one that is most 'next' to her.
I don't know if it is crazy – maybe yes -, but it's exactly what I think.
2- A speed-paint/doodle that I drew, named "No Contact Involved"(the link to it is on my profile, take a look!), that shows how Lilly would react if Scotty ignored the "silent rule of "'non-contact-involved' with other people" that she 'preaches'.
3- The fact that Scotty is not so unaware as we think he is - see that when Lilly said at the episode "6x17 Officer Down" that the guy was her father, Scotty immediately said: "Cooper". He knew it somehow, and is exactly what I tried to explain with this history.
Even looking so distant from her, he's closer than even Lilly could ever notice. He watches over her and watches her – because he loves her, or if she's just a very important person for him, there's no way to know. The show never made it clear enough and for that reason, I made the same.
Notice that Scotty doesn't say that he loves her or that he has romantic feelings towards her, even if it looks like so.
Anyway, that's it. I hope you like it, I don't know xD. Reviews – positive or constructive ones – are very welcome!
Tell me what you guys could understand/interpret of the story, I would love to know another points of view! ^^
BarbaraCB