p style="text-align: left /p
Andy paced through her condo listlessly, randomly picking up items, knickknacks, memorabilia,
the incongruous wooden paddle that symbolized her time in Temagami; the picture of her taken upon graduating from the Academy; a book on Aztecs she couldn't be bothered to read, a stack of pamphlets for tropical vacations, the keys to her building and front door on their Toronto Raptors keychain
making a mental list of items to be kept or discarded.
Maybe the entire condo, the entire city, hell the last five years should be discarded.
Occasionally her pacing turned frantic, almost frenzied, as thoughts forced themselves to the surface of her mind.
She didn't deserve this. Her life was supposed to be different. Perfect. Easy. Her mother had left her - that earned her the right to a simple perfect life, free of complications. She deserved 2 or 3 kids who would be just like her and an adoring husband who worshipped her and her children
It was the crash of a painted vase shattering on the floor that tore her abruptly from her thoughts - she had caught her hip on the corner of a table, jarring it and sending the vase and her phone crashing to the ground. It was the sight of the phone lying face-up more than the broken glass on the hard wood floor that finally penetrated her mind. At that moment the screen lit up to signal an incoming text. She didn't have to pick it up to know who the sender was. He had never denied her time and space (even though she had often denied him that same understanding) but after a full day and night of silence from her his thoughts would be consumed with worry.
And that was part of the problem. He worried.
about her. about them. and about HER. and in three or four months, about THEM
It was his nature. She knew that. Hetook it upon himself to keep the people he cared about safe and happy. He carried their weight on his shoulders even when it was beyond his control. It was a part of him she both loved and hated.
loved when it was benefitted her; hated when she felt it implied that she wasn't capable; loved when it extended to her friends and family; hated when it was directed at HER and affected her, Andy's, life
The real problem, which she couldn't ignore or escape, was that he had never been able to be the person people needed.
He had shared his history with her, his lifelong pattern of letting people down; of not being enough. There were the many times he had lied to protect his father. He had been doing what he thought was the right thing to keep his family together but in doing so he had failed his mother. When his sister was attacked he tried and failed to help Sarah by telling jokes instead of helping her to feel safe. He had finally done right by his family as a teenager but it was years too late and came at the cost of his integrity and the betrayal of his father. He had promised his brother in arms that he would always have his back, but wasn't there when he was needed the most.
That was his history; those were his limitations, his failures as a person. And that was the reality. Her reality. She couldn't discount it or pretend ignorance. She had experienced it firsthand. He had failed her as well. She had needed him to lead the first time they were together but had proven too much for him. She had needed him to share his pain when tragedy happened but he denied her for weeks and by the time he was ready to open himself to her again she didn't care. She needed him to prove he would always wait for her, no matter the reason or how long but he had given up and moved on. She had needed him to put her first ahead of others who needed his help and he had chosen the other. He couldn't be loyal to one without betraying another. That was the long and the short of it. He couldn't be the person she needed and deserved if his loyalties were torn.
Less than 24 hours had elapsed since Dov had come to her with the news, but during that time her world had shifted on its axis. No longer could she look to the future in the same way. Her children would never be his first. His only.
He had said everything she wanted to hear. He had insisted the baby wasn't his but even if it was nothing would change how he felt about her. He had implored her to not walk away from them again. He had repeated over and over that he loved her and would do whatever it took to make things work.
She knew he meant it all. She knew in her soul that he loved her unconditionally. He had proven that time after time. His limitless love was the one facet of him that was clean and simple. It was the only aspect of him that wasn't complicated and messy and that fact scared her the most because her love for him was complicated and messy. It had conditions and limits and she had smacked headfirst into that reality.
Andy sat down on the floor amidst the broken glass and faced the facts; Sam had to make a choice. Them. Or THEM. Her or his baby with Marlo. But even if he chose her
when he chose her
would it be enough? Could Sam truly be the person she needed him to be?
If he could walk away from his child, he wouldn't be the good and decent man he worked so hard to be. Would she even want a man who could do that? But if he didn't, if he split his love between them, would that be enough to make her happy?
Could she be with Sam if he didn't put her first above his child and could she still love him if he did?
A/N: There you have it. This is how I see Andy's thoughts based on what we know of her character/mindset and her default behavior in relationships which is to pass the buck and run away instead of trying to work things out. Is there interest for more, perhaps Sam's thoughts or Marlo's?