Disclaimer: I don't own Prince of Tennis. All I own are my ideas…
A/N: The quote I used in "Letters to Nobody" has stuck in my head. I've been having a few problems in school lately, which may influence my tendency to write unrequited love fics (although I'm not the one with unrequited love… o.O). So… sorry people, but I'm not writing anything lemony or happy for a while… gomen!
Regret
He told me he liked me just after the Nationals in gr. 7. My mind went blank. I was in shock. I didn't know what to say, or what to do. All I knew was that I didn't like him in that way, had never even considered the possibility of dating him.
Well, for that matter, I'd never considered dating anyone, so that wasn't too surprising.
But I didn't know what to do. Momo was my best friend, and all of a sudden, he was telling me he liked me? What did that make our friendship? Had any of it been real? Or had it all been a ruse just to get closer to me, leading up to this moment?
More importantly, would I lose this friendship if I refused him?
Because I wasn't going to date him. I didn't like him in that way. It would just be awkward. Maybe I was an idealist, but I didn't think anyone should date someone they didn't like or love. It was just wrong.
So, watching his eyes carefully, I told him I didn't like him in that way.
He didn't seem too surprised by my answer, but he still looked depressed. His eyes were so bright, I could almost see my reflection in them. I was sure the sheen was caused by unshed tears.
Then he asked, "Is there someone else?" I wasn't prepared for that question. I'd never even thought of that. "Oh, no," I said. "No, there's nobody that I like. It's just that I didn't really think of getting into a relationship at this stage."
He stayed silent, and I felt like I should try to lessen the blow. "You're one of my best friends. It would just feel… weird to me if we started dating, you know? I never really considered you as a boyfriend…" I was sure I was making the situation worse.
He didn't say a thing, just nodded mutely and turned away.
As he started to walk away, I called, "Can we still be friends?" Again, I was probably being idealistic, but I really didn't want to lose Momo as a friend. He'd been my first friend in Seigaku. I didn't want to see that end.
He didn't even turn around. I almost didn't hear his reply. "No. I don't think I could take it. Goodbye, Ryoma." He continued walking.
He'd never called me Ryoma before. It was always Echizen.
And now, he would never call my name again.
Now, I've gotten older. Wiser, one might say. But all that seems to have changed about me is that I've learned what love is.
I hadn't really noticed it before, but I always had an unhealthy obsession with Tezuka. You know, he was so calm and cool, and he drove me to greater heights. Without him, I probably couldn't have taken my tennis to the level it is today.
But the point is, I realized that I loved him. Really, really loved him.
I found myself wavering. I didn't know if I should confess or not. I mean, what if I was wrong? What if I'd misread my feelings? And also, what if he were to reject me? Could I take it?
I didn't know. But I also knew that I couldn't keep it pent up any more. I had to tell him eventually, so why not sooner rather than later?
I told him just after his graduation from high school. It had taken me over 3 years to figure out my feelings for him.
In one instant, those feelings and hopes were dashed to pieces.
"I'm sorry, but I can't return your affections." He sounded cold, clinical. He'd probably rejected so many people before me that it didn't even faze him anymore. I could feel tears welling up in my eyes.
I couldn't help myself. I had to ask one more thing. "Is… is there someone else?" It would make me feel better if I knew that he liked someone already. Then I wouldn't feel like such a failure.
"… Yes." He replied. And then, of course, I wanted to know who it was.
"… Fuji." I shut my eyes tightly. Of course. I should have known. It should have been so obvious to me. They were together so much of the time, and also there was their telepathic conversations, and also how they were the only ones that could match each other in tennis. They were practically made for each other.
I could feel my heart breaking all over again. I never had a chance.
Slowly, I turned away, feeling the tears burning in my eyes. I had to get away to cry in private. I wasn't going to shame myself by crying in front of so many people.
Just before I got out of the school grounds, Tezuka called to me. "Echizen… do you mind keeping it secret? I don't want anyone to know just yet."
Without turning around, I just waved and yelled, "Hai." If I turned around, he would have seen the glimmer of that first tear.
As I continued to walk away, my vision blurred, and I left a trail of tiny droplets behind me.
Momo found me that day wandering the streets aimlessly. He was the one that comforted me as I broke down. He was the one that forced me to pull myself together, to become my old self. He was the one that helped me regain my self control.
But I still found myself broken into pieces, unable to heal. Now that I thought about it, Momo must have been incredibly strong to have stayed together after my rejection. I had broken down completely.
I didn't think I could recover. But slowly, slowly, I began to heal. I became my old self.
But I shut my heart away in a case of stone. I wouldn't let anyone near its still-broken pieces. I wouldn't let myself get hurt again.
But even stone can get worn down, bit by bit.
Even stone will give way before a river of tears.
After the incident with Tezuka, I found myself hanging out with Momo often. We became close friends all over again. It seemed that Momo had moved on- for which I was thankful. I didn't think I could bear knowing he still liked me.
He listened to me whenever I felt a need to talk about the situation with Tezuka. He held me as I cried again and again, night after night. He helped cover for me whenever I didn't go to school, rather going to the street courts to burn away my frustration.
Slowly, so slowly I didn't notice it, I stopped pining for Tezuka. I accepted that he and Fuji were a pair. I stopped thinking about all his good points, and why I loved him. I started to respect him. I lost the obsession that I used to have.
Perhaps the separation had helped, but I found that I didn't feel pain anymore whenever I thought of Tezuka. Now, all I thought of were fond memories of the times we had spent together as a team, with Tezuka watching over us stoically. I just respected him as a great tennis player and inspirational captain now.
But the change was so gradual; it was easy for me to mistake my respect for love still. I thought I still loved Tezuka.
That was a mistake I don't think I will ever forgive myself for.
It was during my second year of high school that it happened.
Momo called me after school, while I was at a street tennis court.
Gleefully, he told me he had asked Kaidoh out- and he'd accepted.
My mind was in a state of shock. Momo had asked someone out? And he was now in a relationship?
Realizing I was silent, Momo said, "Echizen? Are you ok?"
Echizen… I couldn't help thinking of that time so many years ago, when he'd called me Ryoma for the first and last time. Suddenly, I wanted to hear him call me that again.
What was wrong with me?
Forcing a smile on my face, even though he couldn't see, I told him, "Congratulations. I wish you all the best." I sounded detached, even to my own ears. Why was I so upset?
I could practically hear his delight through the phone. "Thanks so much. I just knew you would be happy for me. You're the first person I told."
He rambled on excitedly for a few more minutes before finally hanging up. I didn't say another word except "Bye." I was still trying to figure out what the hell had happened.
What did I care that Momo had asked someone out? Why would it matter that he hadn't asked me? Why had it hurt so much when he called me "Echizen"?
I thought back to all those times when he had held me, comforted me, listened to me as I tried to get over Tezuka. I remembered the pain in his eyes when I refused him so long ago.
I realized, too late, that I had come to love Momo. And he had already found someone else to love. The tears started to fall as the last of the stone cage around my heard dissipated. It had been steadily crumbling over the year- each time I saw Momo, another crack had appeared without my even noticing it. And with my tears, the last of it had finally washed away, leaving me vulnerable and shaking.
Even now, I regret my decisions. Momo used to love me: why hadn't I just accepted when he told me he liked me that first time? I had thought I still loved Tezuka: how come I hadn't noticed that my obsession had faded into respect? Why had it taken me so long to figure out my true feelings?
I had no answer to that. I still don't. But all I know is that, as I stand here, watching Momo and Kaidoh standing side by side at that altar, I had a chance for perfect happiness. And I threw it away.
Just as they complete their vows, I stand and walk quietly out of the room. Nobody notices me leave.
I have nothing left. There is only one more thing I have to give…
And using a small blade, I take it.
*** Owari ***
A/N: I still don't quite like the way this ended. It feels a bit rushed to me. And can SOMEBODY help me name these goddamn things? I'm so bad with titles…
God, why am I writing so many suicide fics? There must be something wrong with me… what happened to all those light-hearted lemons that I used to write? I gotta do something and get out of this depressing stage… urgh.
Well, review anyways! Feedback is greatly appreciated~