I do not own Naruto. I also do not make any money on this. I'm just bored.
A genius.
Thats what Hatake Kakashi felt like as he watched the gennins exit the classroom.
An absolute genius.
Of course, he knew he was a genius but there were times when he even amazed himself. Like a week ago, when he came up with the idea of convincing the Hokage to make Umina Iruka give the 'mission bush time' talk to the new gennin teams.
As he watched the uncomfortably red faces of his new team as they quietly slinked their way out of the class, he just knew this little idea would provide hours of fun in the very near future. For the first time since accepting this team he was actually looking forward to their first mission together.
One week ago it occurred to the silver haired prodigy that his team would soon get their first mission. One week ago the Hokage called the Jounin instructors to his office to remind them they needed to talk to their teams about 'private time' on missions and inform them of what foods to not eat. One week ago Kakashi realized that he had two orphan males who didn't have ninja guardians to tell them about such things, and one female whose family was civilian and therefore didn't know about ninja needs. One week ago Kakashi was wondering if it were possible to fail ones team after initially passing them.
But, just when all hope seemed lost, the unfortunate tanned academy sensei wandered into the office. While Iruka politely chatted about the bunch of heathens he now called students, Kakashi devised a brilliant plan to remove a potential headache from his future. He was just not up for dealing with Naruto's loud and ridiculous comments during the talk not to mention..
There was no way in hell that he, the last of the Hatake bloodline, was going to discuss tampons and other feminine hygiene products with his 12 year old female gennin. What if she had questions? What was he suppose to tell her? Man up? No, he didn't think that would work out well for him.
So, once Iruka left the room Kakashi volunteered ideas to the Third on how to go about explaining such a sensitive subject.
His idea for drawing pictures was immediately denied. As was his song with explicit directions on wiping from front to back. It took the other Jounins a minute but they eventually realized what Kakashi was doing and joined in.
It seemed the suggestions of charades was what finally tipped the Hokage's hat. The Third informed all of them that they were not 'sane' enough to have such a talk with young minds and that he would hand pick a suitable teacher.
Kakashi nominated Iruka.
Speaking of the scarred chunnin, he looked ready to dismember all of them still standing in the back of his classroom.
"Mah Iruka-sensei, it wasn't that bad. You handled that well." Iruka seemed to glare harder as Kakashi gave him a happy eye crease.
"I want to know why I was picked to do this. I was informed that the you all were suppose to give this talk but after a Jounin meeting the Hokage had a change of heart." They were all getting a nice once over by the chunnin now. He was openly sizing them up as if he could scare the culprit into stepping out.
"Come on now Iruka-sensei," Asuma laughed, "He just thought you were better with the kids. They are more comfortable with you."
Iruka turned his head to study Asuma, his pony tail swinging wildly with the momentum. He stared hard and long, making Asuma slightly fidget, before turning to leave the room. Right before exiting he glanced over his shoulder to fix them with a knowing stare.
"I will get every single one of you back for going along with this and I will find out who put this idea into the Hokage's head." He turned his head back to the door and continued without looking back, "You guys better be careful what you eat. It would be horrible if a laxative found its way into your system before you next mission." And he was gone.
All of the Jounins laughed at the threat. Kakashi laughed the hardest. Seriously, who threatened their fellow ninjas with loose bowels? He meant no offense to Iruka, okay maybe a little offense, but there was a reason they were of two different ranks. It would be a cold day in hell before he pulled a fast one over Kakashi.
***
It was three days later when he found Asuma chain smoking in a corner booth of a local bar that Kakashi came to realize Iruka was not someone to blow off.
Apparently Iruka had been popping up all over where Asuma was in the last three days. The first time was at a small cafe' where Asuma and Kurenai sat for lunch. They were sitting along the bar where they could watch the food being made, so it was of no suprise when another person sat down next to them. They both took noticed of Iruka but continued talking and waiting for their food. Several minutes after Iruka sat down the couple's food was served. Asuma was just about to dig into his plate when Iruka spoke up.
"You should take a drink first Asuma."
Confused by the statement, the wind user turned a questioning look to the academy teacher.
"You should take a drink first. It will help the food go down faster." Iruka gave a not so innocent smile. "A nice big gulp should do it."
Asuma immediately started to think of all the times he took his eyes off of his glass while talking to Kurenai. There were several moments that Iruka could have done something to it. Was the man bluffing? It was hard to tell while having such an intent stare focused on him.
In the end Asuma made up some bull about not drinking while he eats because he gets full too fast. He thought it would make the chunnin go away but it didn't. Instead Iruka just shrugged and continued to watch every single bite Asuma took. When the Jounin claimed he was full Iruka smiled sweetly and left the restaurant. This somewhat unnerved Asuma but he figured it was just a joke.
The next day Kurenai came back to their shared apartment claiming she had run into Iruka at the market. She had been picking out tomatoes while the chunnin stood by just watching and smiling. She assumed it was another attempt to make her nervous and chose to merely smile back. It wasn't until she was walking out with her purchase that he approached her and in a very friendly tone spoke to her.
"Those are very good tomatoes you bought. I checked them myself."
"Oh, well I didn't know you helped out at the market Iruka-sensei, thats very kind of you."
The Chunnin shrugged and gave that same smile again.
"I don't."
After he walked away as though he had not just dropped a ominous load on the poor brunette, she went back into the store to question the clerk.
According to the cashier Iruka did not work for them and had thoroughly creeped out the workers because he had simply stood by the tomatoes all day picking each one up, smiling, and putting it back down.
While Kurenai was interrogating store workers, Asuma was turning a corner to bump right into the creepy chunnin.
Both of them managed to stay on their feet and Asuma was the first to sheepishly apologize. He felt foolish for not noticing the man coming around the corner. Iruka just gave a gentle smile and waved the apology off.
"Oh don't worry about it. These things happen. Sorry but I have an appointment to keep. Enjoy your salad tonight."
Asuma was left standing in the road very confused while watching Iruka's retreating back.
Later when he spoke to Kurenai about the market incident he made her throw away the tomatoes. Even the other vegetables found their way into the trash. He wasn't taking chances.
Kakashi listened intently while Asuma spoke. All the situations that followed the market encounter were similar in fashion. Iruka would show up, say something creepy, and leave with a smile. By this point Asuma and Kurenai were afraid to touch anything that they didn't kill themselves.
He had to hand it to Iruka. Jounins were a very fragile bunch, mentally, and who knew that better than the man who processed their mission reports. Iruka had played on that weakness. You want to knock a Jounin off their game then you make them think you are conspiring against them. Paranoia would finish them off. Eventually they will second guess EVERYTHING you or anyone else does within a mile vicinity.
"Think about it Kakashi," Asuma dubbed out one ciggarette and lit another, "The man hands out all lower rank missions. He knows when and what mission our teams will have before we do."
"I think he accomplished what he was trying to do to you Asuma. You look like a mess." He spoke the truth, Asuma's hair was starting to look worse than his own silver mop.
"You think I'm bad, have you seen Gai? He said Iruka keeps showing up and telling him that he has a loose thread."
Kakashi blinked for a second.
"The first six times he showed up and said it Gai could never find the thread but bought a new jumpsuit each time just in case. Something about damaging the inegrity of the suit." Asuma waved the thought off, "The seventh time Gai asked him to show him where this thread was. Iruka reached around and when he pulled his hand back there was a green thread." Kakashi slapped his forehead. Gai was so gullible. "Then, get this, Iruka proceeded to inform him of how un-youthful and unbecoming it was for a Konoha shinobi to walk around with an unkept uniform."
Asuma dabbed out another ciggarette and then proceeded to cover his face with his hands.
"Since that time, Iruka has shown up twenty three times and each instance produces a thread from Gai's jumpsuit. He has bought thirty new jumpsuits in three days and is, at this very moment, at his seamstress accusing her of jumpsuit betrayal. He is in hysterics Kakashi."
Gai in hysterics was nothing new to Kakashi. The man got hysterical for butterflies. But, for Iruka to push him so far as to make him accuse that poor woman that makes those Kami awful outfits of betrayal. That was a major feat.
Kakashi sighed, shook his head and patted Asuma on the back before excusing himself. He was attempting to do the friendly thing and not laugh outright in his comrade's face.
One little chunnin had three Jounins ripping their hair out in a fit of paranoia. This was ridiculous and hilarious at the same time. To top it all off, Iruka had not made one attempt on Kakashi. As a matter of fact he hadn't seen the tanned man since the day of the lecture. Perhaps he was having a hard time plotting his revenge.
Well, whatever Iruka was planning would have to wait for the time being. Team 7 was receiving their first mission which would take Kakashi out of the village until tomorrow. Grant it, it was just a night watch mission right on the outskirts of the village but he seriously doubted Iruka would wander all the way out there. Hell, he might welcome Iruka's company seeing as his team would spend the night guarding some crazed old man's favorite tree.
It amazed him what people would spend money on these days. Some spent it on thirty jumpsuits, others on a random tree in the middle of the woods because its leaves were pretty. He doubted any leaves were pretty enough to make him pay ninjas to protect it from letting squirrels climb on it.
Now that he thought about it, Iruka wasn't even there to hand his team the mission. Then again, he was probably still at the academy when Kakashi picked it up. Or maybe he was too busy tramatizing Gai at the time.
****
About two hours after the set time to meet at the gates, Kakashi came strolling up with his favorite orange book in hand. All three of his subordinates were looking ready to murder him, but they managed to keep their calm. The excitement of their first mission seemed to have lightened their moods.
"So, is everyone ready to leave?" A chorus of voices replied 'yes' in response. They seemed both anxious and hesitant to leave the village. It was a feeling he could remember from his gennin days, short lived as there were.
"Hold on a second!"
All faces of team 7 turned towards the voice. Umino Iruka was waving them down and walking towards them with purpose. Oh boy.
"Good day Iruka-sensei." Kakashi gave his best happy eye crease, but Iruka ignored him.
"Did you all bring your canteens?"
Three heads looked away. Iruka sighed and slouched his shoulders.
"Look guys. I know that you may be a bit uncomfortable after that talk, " Just like that three faces were red as tomatoes. "but it is important to keep hydrated. Simply not drinking anything will not solve your bathroom problems." When they didn't seem to respond Iruka sighed again. "All of the teams have been pulling this since that lecture. This time I'm prepared. Here."
Sliding off his bag, Iruka opened it to reveal several cooling canteens. He reached in, pulling two out and handing them to the two boys. Then pulled another two more and motioned to hand one to Sakura, but in one smooth motion by passed her and handed it to Kakashi, while giving her the remaining one. Kakashi noticed what Iruka had done. It was a little too obvious a move for a ninja, which meant he was SUPPOSE to see the switch.
Apparently Iruka was trying to psych him out now. This brought a smile to Kakashi's face.
"Mah, so kind of you Iruka-sensei."
Iruka scowled at him before leaning in close enough for only Kakashi to hear him.
"You should lead by example. Make sure you drink in front of them so they see even the Copy-nin drinks water on missions." And then with a smile, "By the way, I have been informed that you are the one I should thank for my impromptu lesson on using the bushes."
Weak bastard Jounins ratted him out. Some warriors they were. He was going to recommend some bouts of torture to the Hokage to toughen up his fighters.
"Someone had to do it Iruka-sensei and I felt it was best for it to be you." He smiled happily at the flush of anger on Iruka's face. "And simply implying that you will do things to my water is not going to work on me Iruka. Nice try but I'm already on to your game."
"I've no idea what you're talking about Kakashi. I would never imply any actions against you. I would simply do them."
Kakashi laughed out loud as Iruka stomped off in a rage. He was really going all out with this mental sword fight. This was too much fun. He was looking forward to getting back to the village now just to see what else Iruka would try to pull.
Looking forward to an exciting return, he gathered his team together and started them off on their mission. But not before switching his canteen with Naruto's, just in case Iruka did put something in his own. One couldn't be too careful.
***********
Iruka watched team 7 until they disappeared in the distance. Smiling to himself he made his way back to his little two bedroom apartment. Kakashi would certainly learn his lesson with arrogance when that mission was over. He was not the only ninja with a good brain for scheming.
Iruka allowed a small skip to his step, passing Asuma and Kurenai on his way. He was in such a wonderful mood he didn't notice them duck into an alleyway to hide from him.
Kakashi would learn to not mess with Umino Iruka. Just like Iruka figured simply trying to make the man paranoid would not work, Kakashi would come to realize that Iruka knew his students a hell of a lot better than the Jounin.
If Kakashi knew them half as well, then he would know that his students, even though forced to take the canteens, would still not drink from them after such an embarrassing talk. So if a strong flavorless laxative found its way in to all four of the canteens, they would never know since they would never drink it.
He could hardly wait to get this mission report.
*****
(Mean while 2 hours away in the middle of the forest…)
*****
"Damn Kakashi sensei do you have the plague or something? My sense of smell is not nearly as good as yours and I can still smell it."
He was going to kill Umino Iruka. Right after he killed that loud mouth Naruto. He was going to slice him to shreds with his damn mission report.
"Kakashi-sensei! The medical books say you should keep yourself hydrated when you have… uh.. you know. Should Naruto bring you some water?"
"Sakura-chan! I'm not going over there. You can smell it too! I'll pass out from the fumes. I think its sticking to my clothes now."
He was going to skin that blonde headed little shit too.
"Shut up Dobe. Lets not announce to the whole world where we are."
"You shut up Teme! If that smell isn't alerting anyone then I doubt yelling would."
"Ew Naruto stop. Just bring Kakashi-sensei some water. Maybe he will feel better and this will pass."
They would all be dead by morning. All of them. He would just tell the Hokage that his team drowned themselves in their sleep at the nearby stream.
He sighed again for the hundredth time as he sat hunched over his third dirt hole of the day. He was actually feeling thirsty now. Not surprising since every bit of fluid he had was being expelled from his body en lou of solid waste. He ran out of that an hour ago.
"Sasuke!"
"What?"
"I want you to throw me one of the canteens." He thought about it for a minute. "Throw me Sakura's canteen." He was wrong in assuming Iruka wouldn't put a laxative in Naruto's drink. He wouldn't make the same mistake twice. This time he would make the safest choice and take Sakura's. Soft hearted Iruka wouldn't chance the pink haired girl's fragile confidence.