Author note; My first ever Merlin fic! This was written at 3 AM in the morning- ah the joys of insomnia. I'm not sure if I entirely like it, I haven't written for ages so this is my first real attempt...You may notice that this story is written in a weird sort of POV, I am not really sure why I did this. Because Australia is wayyy behind in the UK with Merlin (I think it's been actually finished over there for some months?) this may not actually be complaint with the rest of the series, I tried to make it as vague as possible. In Australia we have only seen up to Freya's episode, so my apologies if I say something in this that does not happen or somehow doesn't fit in with the rest of the series... Tell me what you think about this!
Disclaimer; I am obviously not one of the marvelous creators of the Merlin BBC show, nor am I in anyway associated with them.
Time passes quickly in Camelot, quicker then anywhere else in fact. With each new sunrise brings a brand new day, each new day brings more chores to do ,more adventures to be had and sometimes more problems to be solved.. Slowly the days turn into weeks, the weeks turn into months, and time passes with a blur until one day you finally pause, stop and take a break from the busy hectic routine that has almost become second nature to you; and through this break you begin to process all that has transpired.
A great deal, as it turns out, has happened. Far more then you ever expected or ever thought. Some things important, others not so.
Some things happy, others sad.
The one thing your mind keeps returning to however, the one thing you always dwell on even when you try not to, is the one that causes you the most pain, the most sadness.
Because no matter how fast time goes in Camelot, no matter how busy you have been with chores and other activities (eg, saving Arthur's butt time and time again) nothing, no amount of work or time can ever fill the void inside of you caused by her.
Freya.
Even just thinking her name makes you sad.
You did not know her long; yet it felt as though you knew her for an eternity.
She's the only girl you have ever loved, the only girl who has made you feel this way.
You often think to yourself with a bitter wry smile that only you, Merlin, could fall in love with the most dangerous female to exist within miles.
But she wasn't all that dangerous. At least not to you. To the poor unsuspecting souls, she was admittedly a force to be reckoned with, but to you, to you, she was okay.
It wasn't her fault, she was cursed. Who she became and who she was were two very different things, you know that, even though others don't. You know.
You would have loved her anyway. You would have protected her, cared for her…
It's only now as you sit here and think about it, that Arthur flashes through your mind… You wonder why you never considered him before- had Freya of lived, had it all worked out, you would have run away with her, leaving behind Camelot and Arthur without a second thought.
You feel selfish and guilty, because you know it's your destiny to protect Arthur to help him become the king he needs to be… You like Arthur a lot, you may even love him. As a brother of course… But even so, you know if Freya was alive right now and it was a choice between her and Arthur, there would be no competition. You love Freya.
Besides, Arthur has Gwen- even if he doesn't fully admit his feelings yet. At least Gwen is near by, within sight, for Arthur to talk to, to steal glances at and exchange secret smiles with. At least Gwen is ALIVE.
Freya's not alive.
Freya's dead, gone, forever.
Though for some reason you always half expect her to appear. Something within you believes, against all logic, that she's still out there, somehow alive. Even though you were with her when she died. Even though you put her body on the lake to rest in peace… A fools fantasy, you guess.
You go on with life as though everything is normal that everything is okay. Even though it's not and you doubt whether you will ever fully be alright again. You wear a mask trying to fool everyone. You smile, even when you don't feel like it, you work harder then you ever have before and when it comes to protecting your loved ones particularly Arthur who is the closest thing you have to a brother, you give it your all, willing to do anything to ensure their safety. Because you never ever want to feel the grief and pain of losing a loved way in such a manner again.
Time passes quickly in Camelot, but you know no amount of time will make your heart whole again. You know no amount of time will let you love in the same way again- because no amount of time will ever allow you to forget her.
Freya.
Your one true love.