There she stood, the former captain of the greatest ship in Starfleet. All of Voyager's former crew was there in attendance. It was surreal that everyone was back under one roof again after being home for the past five years. Being together every waking hour of every day for seven years may have seemed like hell to some, but to the crew of Voyager it was some of the most blessed times any of them could remember. They became one crew, one family. They will always be that, one family, no matter where the future takes them. The crew always managed to get together during special occasions, there to support each other not only during the good times, but also during the bad. Today was no different. Today was a very special day; a day to celebrate. A day many of the crew never thought would happen, a day even Janeway never thought would happen.
As Janeway looked out at all in attendance, her gaze settled on Tom, B'Elanna and young Miral Paris. How Miral had grown, Janeway thought to herself. Miral was no longer the little, screaming infant she once had been. Now, nearly five years old, Miral was a beautiful combination of her parents. If the way Miral was systematically tearing her baby doll limb from limb were any indication, Janeway suspected Miral's temperament favored her mother's side. At this, Janeway smiled to herself. She then noticed B'Elanna observing her former captain. The two strong women locked eyes, silently conveying how they both were feeling at this life changing occasion. Kathryn steeled herself against the rising emotions and looked away from her equally emotional friend.
She continued to scan the room filled with her former crew. Among the sea of bright beaming faces, Kathryn spotted her beloved friend Tuvok. There he sat with his wife T'Pel, side by side, silently observing the ceremony. His seemingly expressionless face stared straight ahead. If a stranger were to see him, they would think he was simply bored or merely tolerating this human observance out of an obligation to his former crewmates. However, Kathryn saw deeper into him than most. She saw under that emotionless façade, a man fighting within himself, battling between conflicting emotions, emotions he no doubt felt were illogical and unnecessary. Or, maybe, she was projecting again, projecting her own uncertainty, her own battle from within, the battle keeping her up at night, not allowing her to feel at peace day or night.
Before Kathryn allowed her imagination to run away again, she quickly scanned through the crowd once more until she found her dear mother and sister, Phoebe. They were seated together off to the side of the room. Her mother was holding a crumpled handkerchief in one hand on her lap and holding Phoebe's hand in the other. They were both a bundle of nerves, smiling at times, tearful at others. Kathryn locked eyes with her mom. Her mom gave her a quick heartfelt smile before she looked down at her own lap and squeezed Phoebe's hand a little harder. Kathryn couldn't help but notice how much older her mom looked at this moment. Maybe she thought this day would come…maybe not. Maybe she was concerned about her daughter's happiness, her future. Would she be around as often, or would she throw herself back into work right away following the ceremony? At this very moment, Kathryn herself, didn't know the answers to these questions. Uncertainty seemed to be a constant companion to Kathryn in recent days.
Janeway shuddered nearly imperceptibly at the thought of time. How quickly it had flown by upon her return to the alpha quadrant. Life had managed to keep Kathryn very busy. She spent her first year or two completing Starfleet obligations. Meeting after meeting, debriefing after debriefing silently stole moments away from Kathryn, and she just now realized she would never get those moments back. There were endless interviews from all around the federation. Everyone wanted a piece of Kathryn. Everyone wanted something different from her, but what almost everyone got was her time. Kathryn managed to give up her time to just about everyone. However, the one person who she never seemed to have time for was herself. At that time, she thought she was doing the right thing. Kathryn thought she was happy. At times she DID feel happy, complete. But how could she have felt complete with such a huge void in her heart? Kathryn blinked. She blinked back memories, regrets and tears. She had missed so much. She missed being apart of her crew, she missed being apart of this strong extended family. How could she have let that happen? Sure, when Kathryn saw everyone as they came tonight; she shared in the conversations the embraces and heartfelt warmth of the crew. However, there was a tiny voice in the back of her head, nagging her, taunting her and reminding her that she could have done more, could have been more a part of everyone's life. Had Kathryn gotten her crew home, simply to abandon them to their own lives?
Kathryn closed her eyes and turned her head away from the crowd. This is when she felt IT. She felt the familiar presence that she longed for day and night. The calming, lovingly intense presence of the one man whom she loved from the moment she set eyes on him. Kathryn slowly opened her eyes to look up in his direction. There he stood on that very same stage in which she currently stood; and there he was looking directly at her, his eyes searching for hers. Their eyes met and she immediately felt his stare intensify. He was no longer looking AT her, he was looking WITHIN her. This man was her very best friend. He was her confidant, her dream lover. He was the very reason she wanted to be alive; the only reason Kathryn wanted to breathe and wake up every morning. She could feel him searching her heart, her soul. He was looking at her as if he was searching for answers. An answer to a question that didn't need to be asked. At this point why did he need an answer at all? Didn't he already know? Kathryn felt her pulse quicken. Her heart began to race at the thought of his touch. She began to feel light headed, had she forgotten to breathe? Her legs wanted to buckle. Kathryn willed them to remain strong even while she wanted them to fail so he could catch her before she fell. She would give anything right now to be in his arms where she truly felt safe; the one place she knew she wanted to be forever and always. Again, as Kathryn looked into his eyes she noticed his expression change. His intense compassion and love gave way to uncertainty and regret. Panic began to rise within her, like a wave threatening to capsize a boat. Uncertain of what to do, say or feel…Janeway looked away.
The room began to melt away in her mind, Kathryn's vision clouded, her hearing deafened. She could no longer hear the quiet, calm voice of the spiritual leader as he continued with the time honored reciting of vows. With what seemed like an eternity, but actually happened within seconds, her body once again betrayed her desires. Kathryn once again breathed. Her lungs filled with air as she inhaled deeply. Her vision cleared and she could again hear the ceremony, the quiet chatter of the crowd, the whoosh of the ventilation system and the incessant pounding of her heart.
Kathryn looked up once again. She was just in time to see Chakotay blink a tear loose as it fell down his dimpled cheek. He ever-so-subtly glanced at his beloved Kathryn one last time. Silently, Chakotay expressed his undying love, devotion and unrelenting desire to keep her safe. That's when it happened, he looked away from Kathryn. He looked down at his own feet, pausing as he placed the ring on a beautifully manicured finger. He was whispering to himself, but for all to hear: "I do." It was done; finished, complete.
The spiritual leader joyously announced to the adoring crowd, "I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss your beautiful bride, Chakotay." Chakotay leaned in and tenderly kissed his bride. Their lips sealed the pact and bond between them forever. The two turned toward the audience who were all on their feet clapping, waving and crying. Never one to not complete all her duties to the fullest extent possible, as the maid of honor, Kathryn Janeway smiled and handed a bouquet of flowers to Seven. Seven took the flowers from her mentor and friend, took Chakotay by his hand, and walked off the stage into the crowd of family and friends.
For her part, Janeway watched as the man of her dreams walked away, out of her life forever. Her fearless warrior, protector and friend, will forever and always belong to someone else.