A/N: Hi guys, this is my first fic so I was hoping you could leave a review after you read, critisism is always welcome of course. I also wanted to warn you that I'm not a native english-speaker and I don't have a beta yet. I've reread several times to fix any mistakes but I thought you should know in case I missed anything.
Warnings: This chapter contains mentions of suicide attempt, I don't think I was excesively graphic but I don't like downplaying a horrible situation like that. So let me know what you think, too much? Too little? Let me know!
All that said, enjoy!
"Guess who else isn't coming, Sweetheart."
I snort. "No one will come, right? We're all that's left." I couldn't really blame Peeta being how he is now, though I did resent deep down to be left behind. As for Gale, we weren't on the best of terms right now, to tell the truth I felt relieved I didn't have to deal with him.
"Some family I've got" I mutter thinking of my mother, who is too busy dealing with herself to take care of her own daughter. Her only daughter left. I shut my eyes tight and begin rocking slightly at the thought. Prim is dead, I killed her, just as much if not more than Gale did.
I feel something pressed into my hand and when I look down I discover it's a bottle. "The pain never goes away, but this helps to numb it" I look into Haymitch's eyes, so similar to my own I realize now. Not because of the gray color but because of the haunted look they have. We've both seen too much violence and felt too much pain and despair to ever be whole again. I tilt my head back and drink as much as I can in one gulp, which is nothing compared with what Haymitch drinks.
"Do you think it will get better with time now that we don't have to go back again and again?" I ask with a small broken voice that makes me hate myself even more than I do. I used to sound so strong and sure before. "I don't know Kitten" he answers "I don't know." We don't say anything for the rest of the trip, Haymitch drinks and I stare blankly out the window, not really taking anything in but the pain in my heart.
We arrive at District 12 a while later and I follow Haymitch blankly, he drops me off at my house and I sit by the fire. Somewhere at the back of my mind I hear him linger at the front door and mumble something about not being able to do this and getting help but I don't really pay attention to anything but the fire. Everything in my life was so messed up by it. The girl on fire, what a joke. I wasn't the girl on fire, I was the burning girl and I consumed anything that crossed my path. I close my eyes and fight the knot in my throat and the tears in my eyes, I will keep consuming everyone who cares for me and right now the only one left is Haymitch. It's a wonder he hasn't burnt already with how much he drinks really, one would think he'd blaze easily.
A few hours later I hear Greasy Sae but I'm determined not to acknowledge her or anyone else, I don't want them to die too. There are too many dead already. She busies herself around the house, trying to get me to eat to no avail and eventually leaves. I get up from the chair only to relieve myself in the bathroom and drink water from the sink. I've decided I will starve to death but after my first games I could never let myself die from dehydration. I know this will only make my suffering longer but I don't care, I deserve to suffer anyway.
A few weeks go by like this, Greasy Sae has tried anything to get some food in me, from pleading to threatening with calling Haymitch, she even tried to force me to eat but after I pressed a knife I kept next to me to her throat she never forced me again. She didn't come back to the house for that matter.
I wonder why Haymitch hasn't been around but I guess he realized he was better off without me. It didn't matter much anyway; I didn't have a lot of time left. Every day it got harder to move the few steps to the toilet, I could feel my muscles wasting away leaving me looking like a bag of bones. A charred bag of bones at that with all the burnt skin patches. I found it very fitting.
A murmur brought me out of my daze; I've found myself slipping in and out of consciousness lately. When I focus myself a bit more I realize it was not a murmur but screaming that brought me back. I try to focus on Haymitch's face and make out his words through my dizziness.
"…come back dammit! I can't go back to being alone now, not after you've stuck around for so long!" I stir at the sight of Haymitch's tears in front of me, even after all we've been through I don't think I've ever seen him cry. "Please sweetheart, you can't die on me too." He adds in a softer voice. And then it hits me, he's just like me, everyone he loves is taken from him too so maybe we can be together without destroying each other for a change. I smile. Worst case scenario we both die and finally get some peace.
I lift my hand with some difficulty and touch his cheek. The sad and hopeful look he has when he lifts his face is heartbraking, I never thought Haymitch would miss me so much if I was gone. "Sweetheart? Can you hear me? Will you eat some food, for me? I won't leave you again, ok Kitten? I promise, I'll even stay sober if you want." I smile at this and nod my head a little "you get cranky when you're sober" I try to say, but it sounds more like croak than anything else. I don't think Haymitch cares though, he looks ecstatic that I agreed to eat some food.
"Grasy Sae said that you should eat this if I could convince you" He hands me a plate with some sort of soup that looks more water than anything else. "She said to build you up slowly and make you eat heavier time with time. She agreed to cook for us in my house but after the knife she won't come anywhere here Sweetheart, I'm sorry" I shrug a bit and that's all I have strength to do right now. I try to take a spoonful of soup but I end up making a mess on the floor. Haymitch smirks and takes the spoon from me "I guess I'll have to do this for a while sweetheart. Might as well enjoy having you at my mercy before you go back to being a pain in the ass." I glare halfheartedly and open my mouth for the spoon, I know he didn't mean that but I had a reputation to uphold. After eating half the soup I realized I could take no more, so much to my consternation Haymitch carried me upstairs like some damn princess and put me to bed, muttering all the while about girls who should weight more than an empty bottle.
I close my eyes and fall instantly asleep. I don't have any dreams that night.