Many people think that I know nothing of hair care, but quite the opposite, I could write my own book. Okay, so maybe I couldn't get it published so I'm threatening one of my students to post the Reader's Digest (yes, I get that Muggle magazine, one of the Hufflepuff's mother is the editor and sends me free issues) version on this absurdity called www.fanfiction.net, but maybe I'll get people recommending that my book be published.
Step One: The Shower
Contradictory to popular belief, I do know how to take off my clothes, open the shower door, and turn on the water. Now, I like my showers steamy, so I recommend putting it on full heat, and letting it warm up for a few minutes, as you may check your shampoo and conditioner. Never have one with out the other. If you use only shampoo, you're hair may not be slick enough to accept the grease to be added after the shower. If you only use conditioner, lets just say that some manner of unpleasant creatures may occupy your hair, not to mention you may acquire split ends without the protection of the shampoo.
After checking Shampoo Formula Number 578, of the Severus Snape Hair Care Experiments, and Conditioner Formula Number 734 of the same set, you place them on the floor of the shower. It is important to first begin to soak your body in the steamy water. Make sure that your body is comfortable with the change in temperature before submerging your head under the shower head.
As you are soaking your body, you may begin to think about Shampoo Formula Number 578 and it's importance, so I have made a list for you
-The first thing you notice is the wonderful aroma of lice dung. Surprisingly, the scent of the remains keeps lice away, they are afraid to approach the wasteland of your head.
-There's also the slight hint of rat poison, that keeps a large majority of other pesks out of your head.
-For possible wormage, I have used a bit of bird feather essence.
-To keep the birds out, I have added petroleum oil, so that they believe you are a dangerous Muggle Airplane.
-Added in there is Fuquaquaqua Root, which strengthens and protects each hair, by creating a small membrane around each one, but may get stuck in banana-flavoured substances, especially since mixed with Fergiegagergin, which paints each hair black, so that it doesn't grey as fast.
-Another point of recognition in this product is the Valkeristaran Leaves, which strengthens the use of the Yomadir Grass in the Conditioner, which is magnetic to the grease.
-To prevent split ends, Elmer's Glue* was mixed in.
And as you soak your hair, you begin wondering about Conditioner Formula Number 734, this one is rather simpler though.
-As mentioned before, the Yomadir Grass is magnetic to the grease.
-Hyperaquatiticicatic was added to infuse moisture into your hair to make it shinier.
-Elmer's glue* was added so that it sticks to your hair, as you do not wash this out.
-Somerfinackeeit makes all of your hairs stick together in locks, rather than spreaking apart massively, often caused by the Fuquaquaqua Root, seeing as the membranes may become massive.
-Okanaren soaks into the hair, making it heavier and denser, so that your hair is less likely to react to the wind and other outside forces, giving it a spark of it's on "life".
*Many a learned Potions Masters may wonder about the Elmer's Glue. I can see your confusion, as one of my Muggle-born students brought it into my classroom one day, and was gluing some of the flowers in the potions kit onto a piece of parchment as his essay on 'The Role of Flowers in Potion-Making'.
Now that you are done pondering and speculating, you may begin to use these wonderful products. First, you aggressively scrub Shampoo Formula Number 578 onto your scalp, and slowly pull it down onto the rest of your hair. You may need to get some more of Shampoo Formula 578 to do so, but do not viciously scrub it into the rest of your hair, just work it into your hair. Rinse and repeat. Now, you are ready for Conditioner Formula 734. Work a small amount though your hair and continue to wash the rest of your body. You might try my Soap Formula Number 2957.
As you are lathering up your body, you think about Soap Formula Number 2957. It is different from any other soap, as instead of being made up of cleansing-type plants, it is many micro-organisms that eat away all the dirt grime, and bacteria from your body.
-Dunilyte eats away at all of the sand.
-Kerphrocyte eats up all of the dirt and it's saliva leaves skin glowing.
-Nicarophic and Yemikitan both eat up bacteria and fungi on the skin.
-Phercolyte excretes all over the skin, leaving it shiny and smooth.
Add another generous amount of Conditioner Formula Number 734 before stepping out of the shower.
Wrap yourself in your Favourite 'Fuzzy Bunnies' Towel. I personally prefer the pink one, and let the little Fuzzy Bunnies run around the towel and wipe the water from your body.
As the Fuzzy bunnies are drying you, you may ponder the next implement to be used on your hair, Hair Grease Formula Number 5. Hair Grease Formula Number Five is so simple a First-Year Gryffindor (other than Neville Longbottom) could do it.
-Natural Gasoline makes hair greasy and flammable for possible show purposes.
-Finkalink works with the Okanaren to clump hair and makes the Fuquaquaqua membranes exist as clumps rather than individual strands, though there are intermixing membranes that are thinned by Estronifix.
-Fantalina weightens hair so that it is not moved easily by wind or other natural forces. It can be also styled upwards for spikes.
As one can see, hair care is a risky process. This is just the beginning of my personal grooming set, there's also Face Cream Number 926 for Sallower Skin, Toothpaste Number 93149 for nastier breath and yellower teeth. I feel that it is my duty, as a gifted Potions Master to share with everyone, my secrets of my beauty.