The Legend of Zelda:

The Great Warrior

Chapter 1: New Lands

I awoke from my stupor with a head filled with strange visions. I tried to make sense of all this, but seeing as I just woke up, it just didn't happen. I heard a loud, somewhat irritating beeping in my ears, so I raised my head to try and discover the source. It was my alarm clock, going berserk and telling me it was four thirty-two, time to get off my lazy ass and… Oh man!

I threw back the covers and hurled myself right out of the bed, crashing to the ground in a disoriented heap. I staggered to my feet, my mind still sticky, but the one thought, the only one that mattered at this point, was shining like a beacon in the darkness of my useless, empty brain. I was so freaken late.

I pulled on my cloths and hunted around the disaster area that was my room, looking for the keys to my truck, cursing my horrible luck as I did so. I found them under an orange peel that was for some bizarre reason lying right in the middle of my floor. I wrestled my shoes onto my feet, then went flying to the back door and practically ran into it as I was trying to open it.

I got out to my truck, jumped behind the wheel, and slammed the key into the ignition. giving it a turn. I half expected the thing not to start but, as luck would have it, it sputtered to life and flew down the driveway as if it had been stung.

I got onto a small dark road and, paying absolutely zero attention to the speed limit sign reading thirty five, sped down it doing around seventy-five. I wasn't enjoying getting up this early and was yawning impulsively. In the course of a particularly big yawn, I realized I was coming up on something. Something big. I took the best look I could but was unable to properly register it. I'm guessing that if I had been able to see it properly, I wouldn't have able to identify it anyway.

It seemed to be a ring of bright blue fire, smack dab in the middle of the road. And in the center of the fire was some sort of rippling black water. Now, as one would expect, I didn't want to drive directly into whatever that thing was, so I put my lead foot on the brakes and turned the wheel to the left. Suffice to say it wasn't enough. I was going seventy-five as I said, so I began to skid and slid right into the thing. Oh…crap.
I can't explain what happened next. I felt as if I were floating in a sea of pure light. And as if this wasn't disturbingly creepy enough, my stomach felt like it was moving from its proper place, my gut, and relocated itself into my throat.

All the while I was thinking to myself, Oh this is too perfect. What in the hell did you do now, man? One minute we're running late and the next we're falling through a transdimensional rift from a tear in the space-time continuum. Wow…didn't see that coming. I was so deeply absorbed with analyzing my somewhat usual predicament that it was a shock to me when I hit.

For the second time that day I had to practically pry my eyes open. I had more trouble this time around because I really didn't want to know what had just happened. Then something plausible and yet so simple occurred to me, which made me feel so much better. I was still asleep. That had to be it. No strange rift on the highway, no being late, no being sucked into a wormhole. Everything was hunky dory while safe in my bed. So now, with that taken care of and no worries, my eyes popped wide open and took in the sights. "Oh man, this ain't good."

I opened my eyes and I saw, grass? Not my chaotically dirty bedroom, complete with its funky smell. But sweet smelling grass. So, this tells me that my driving through some weird gateway wasn't really a dream after all. But I was driving on asphalt! No, this grass is not really here. I refuse to accept it. Then I feel the wind and hear some birds tweeting nearby. Then it hits me like a ton and a half of bricks. I'm dead. Or dreaming. Whatever. Regardless, to me it seemed that being late now was far less of an importance than it had been, so I banished those thoughts from my head. I stood, stretched and looked around.

I saw all sorts of different landscapes, dotting my field of vision. Mountains, rivers, large forests and a lot of grass. Very pretty. I turn in three hundred sixty degrees. No sign of my truck. Oh well, no big loss there. Anyway, I didn't see any people, but I did see evidence of some manner of higher intelligence. A road. Not a fancy one, made out of asphalt or even cobblestone, but more of a dirt path.

It traveled along a wood I was near, and then turned into it. It was covered with tall grasses but it was still a road. And if there was a road, then people were not far away. I was pondering all this when a massive whoosh came from the nearby forest. A large number of birds came flooding out, squawking and shrieking. I had a pretty good idea what this meant, but I can't say it made me feel good. Those birds left those woods because something spooked them. Then I began hearing it. Footfalls. Rushing footfalls. And it was growing louder. Something was coming.

I stood there like a deer caught in headlights. I was fearfully wondering what should be done. Seeing as how I was new to this place perhaps I should hide. I mean, the average creature here may be as big as Godzilla. I didn't know. And that would be bad. Oh yes, very bad. So using my better judgment, I bolted to the tall grass on the side of the road and hid from view. I moved about so I could still see the happenings from my hiding spot but remain unobservable myself. For quite some time I saw nothing and heard the running sound growing louder.

Then before I could properly register it, a bright green flash came hurtling out of the woods, flew past me, and vanished. I raised my head to try and track whatever it was, when I heard another sound. The sound of more footfalls as well as the snapping of branches. I popped back out of sight and watched. I saw four shadowy figures tramping out of the woods. And I screamed.

Okay, I didn't actually scream, but it was a close call. I mean, when a person sees something that doesn't even belong in a nightmare, you would think he or she would normally scream. I didn't, because that would have undoubtedly been certain death. As I'm sure one would have gathered from my ranting, the four figures that came out of the forest were, well… monsters. There really was no other word to properly describe them.

They were dressed in strange black cloaks and a heavy looking black armor. And all over this armor were a bunch of skulls and symbols that were proclaiming the word "Evil" for the world to see. But their faces. They were all scaled as elevens on the Ugly-Meter. They had these bright red eyes, resembling burning embers, and huge tusks off their pig-like faces. But no pig in history had green scales instead of pinkish skin, covered with long greasy shaggy black and brown hair.

Now, they were at least a hundred feet away, but a horrific stink was still making its way to my nose. I mean, this was rank! Could have choked a horse, had one been nearby. And to top this all off…you know the cherry on top? They were all huge; at least seven feet tall, and they all had equally large and sharp looking weapons in their possession. Two had spears and the others were holding halberds.

Now as I was saying, they were marching out of the woods, looking this way and that, snorting like the mutated pigs things that they were. I had a bit of a hunch that they were hunting for whatever that green flash had been earlier. Good luck, thought I. That thing was moving faster than the speed of sound. They moved to the edge of the woods and stopped. For one hopeful moment I thought they would be unable to step into full sunlight with out perishing, kinda of like vampires.

No such luck. They hesitated but stepped beyond the threshold into the sun, obviously not enjoying it, their already grotesque faces contorting even more, squinting and the like. Their path was set, as they started down the road moving in a tight group. This made me somewhat uneasy, mainly because they were moving in my general direction. All of a sudden it felt as if my hiding spot wasn't really living up to its name. I was toast.

About thirty feet away they stopped and they all crouched down and started to inhale sharply through their noses. To me, it sounded as if they were going to hauck a loogie but I think they were actually sniffing and smelling. This provided me with a little insight. These ugly things tracked by using their pig noses, so they could keep up with that green blur.

Another thing that kinda bothered me was if they happened to pick up my scent they may find me and feel somewhat obligated to introduce me to the business ends of their weapons. I felt this was quite a good time to perhaps do something rather wise like, run like mad. I stood slowly and started away. As I no doubt mentioned earlier, I have extremely bad luck, so it was no surprise to me when I felt a twig under my foot snap, sending the equivalent of a sonic boom right to those monsters ears. Uhhh…Oh.

All four of the creature looked round and jumped to their feet, staring at my spot. I felt as if they were looking right through me.

Perhaps, I thought to myself, they didn't hear it and they will get back to their hunting, and ignore me. As a further precaution, I tried to use my mind to will them to take a hike. Needless to say, that didn't work too well.

All at once, they were pounding towards me, screaming at the top of their lungs and whooping like a horde of cannibalistic barbarians.

Well that's it, I thought to myself, I'm boned. They are either going to stomp a mud hole right in the middle of me or horribly puncture me with those big sharp sticks. However, after a moment, nothing happened. I felt no searing pain of any sort. My eyes cracked, my head rose, and I looked around and got a serious shock.

I saw them, but quite frankly, I didn't really believe it. All four of them had streaked past me and were now running full tilt towards a lone tree that stood maybe one hundred yards away. I mean, they passed me without a second glance. I got to my feet to watch them. I mean, what did I have to worry about now?

They were past me and were moving away a hell of lot faster than they had come. All four of them ran right around the one tree and stopped. They all looked around and started to sniff again. I quickly lowered myself to hide once more. But from my current position I couldn't see them, so I started to crawl forward to get a better view, curiosity overriding better judgment. What a surprise.

I assumed they had seen that green flash from earlier and went tearing after it. Now they seemed to lose track of it once again. At around one hundred feet I could see everything fairly well even though I was still hidden by the tall grass. I didn't dare move closer than this. All of them were hunkered down sniffing and moving this way and that.

All at once, they climbed to their feet and charged the trunk of the tree bellowing like trains, ramming their combined weight on to it. The whole tree shook and swayed. The four creatures backed off and waited. I watched as well, seeing nothing out of the ordinary, wondering if they had a bone to pick with that tree. Perhaps it owed them money. Then suddenly, a young guy in green hopped out of the tree.

He was clad in a green tunic and green hat, holding a large silver sword in his left hand and a multicolored shield in his right. Once he landed all four of the creatures let loose roars and charged him from all four sides.

Quick as a snake, he took a fantastic jump so he was at level with their heads, and he delivered a stout kick squarely on ones neck. As he was coming back down he twisted himself around and plunged his sword in to the chest of another. Those two went down.

The others dropped their weapons, turned back to the woods and took flight. Before they got fifty feet, the guy in green pointed his sword at them, and emitting a loud yell, an arc of lightning flew out of the tip of the sword and slammed into the back of one of the retreating monsters. It pitched over with a cry. Another loud yell and another arc of lightning burst forth and nailed the other one. Down they went.

I sat watching, utterly flabbergasted at this erratic and equally efficient incapacitation of those four hulking creatures, by this incredibly skilled swordsman. And even more inexplicable was the bodies. The moment they perished, they seemed to spontaneously combust in a weird blue fire, leaving little or no trace. Never before, not anywhere, had I seen a spectacle anything close to as fanatically crazy as to what I had just witnessed. And I doubted I ever would again.

And there was the green guy, squatting in the grass as if he had just got finished picking his teeth. Un-freaken-real man. Also, seeing as how those big smelly monsters were now ash, I felt much safer. I decided to reveal myself to the green guy, so I stood, and stepped out of the grass.

Well, that certainly startled him. He let out a brief shout and sprang to his feet, pulling out his sword and shield, taking a defensive stance. For about two minutes we stood there watching each other, neither one of us moving nor speaking. Seeing as how I looked somewhat like him, he probably didn't see me as much of a threat, so as time passed his stance began to deteriorate.

But when I took one little step forward, he quickly brought his defenses back up again and studied me even more closely. I started toward him one step at a time, and soon closed the distance between us to no more than twenty-five feet or so. I was now close enough to get a pretty good look at him, but he seemed rather tense so any rash moves were out of the question.

He was actually a bit shorter than me maybe, five foot nine while I stood at six foot one. He was indeed wearing a green tunic and matching hat. He had a big brown belt with a large silver buckle. On his feet were two large leather boots with silver tassels. He himself had flowing blondish hair under his hat. He had a brilliant set of indigo eyes and even pointy ears like an elf. A sturdy pair of deep red gloves were over his hands. And yes, I got a very good look at both sword and shield, seeing as how he was pointing them in my general direction.

The shield was large but not oversized, with a polished metal surface, and blue, red, and white designs all over it. Not the American Flag though. In the center were three golden triangles, two on the bottom, one on top, making a pyramid with a hole in it. The sword was a real thing of beauty. The hilt was a blue metal, which was painstakingly shaped with elegant designs. The blade itself seemed to shimmer with a bright pure light, which, I suppose in someway, explained why it had the ability for lightning to shoot forth and blast ones foes into tiny foe shaped bits, and to be incinerated by blue fire.

I moved my hands up into a gesture of peace because; this was the guy who almost effortlessly took out those four nasty creatures as easily as we trim our toenails. I said earlier that the absence of the monsters made me feel better. That was true up until now. Seeing as how this guy might run me through unless I could calm him down, I'm going to say I felt more secure with the monsters. So, to avoid being blasted into oblivion by his magic sword, I decided to say something.

"Hi" I waved and smiled but it felt as if my head was locked in a vice, which was slowly being tightened. And unless I did something to release the tension, my head was gonna blow like a watermelon with a couple sticks of dynamite strapped to it. And I do mean that literally. Seeing that my word of greeting didn't change the direction he was pointing his sword, I continued as friendly as humanly possible.

"Man those were some serious moves you just pulled on those guys. I mean you just leveled them! I'll bet you if I punched them as hard as I could, I'd break my hand. But you, man that was so cool." I started jumping around swinging my mock sword in the same way he had done to try and put his apprehensiveness to rest.

It seemed to work. He was lowering his sword so it was no longer pointing directly in my face. Perhaps he thought I was just an idiot, and no longer deemed me a threat. Whatever the case, I stopped my frolicking and plopped down on to the grass and looked at the sky, listening to what he would do next. This also seemed to calm him down even more.

He shrugged and put his shield away but held on to his sword. He went back to what he was doing before, which was poking through the grass where the first two monsters fell. Apparently they dropped something that this guy wanted. As I watched, a shimmer in the grass to my right caught my eye. I slowly got to my feet, as to not spook the green guy, and casually strolled over to the shine. I bent over and scooped it up. After studying it for a second, my eyes nearly bugged out of my head.

What I had picked up from the body of one of those ugly monsters was a gemstone resembling an emerald. I won't say it was, but I won't say it wasn't either, as I'm no geologist, but it looked valuable. It wasn't huge, mayhaps the size of a quarter but a gem that size could be worth a boatload of money.

Whilst I was deep within my own calculations of my sudden claim to wealth, I suddenly felt eyes upon me. I looked round and saw the green dude sitting in the grass, staring intently at me. All at once, I felt rather low trying to claim the treasure this guy had worked so hard to obtain. Well okay, it wasn't that hard for him, but still…it's the principle. So although it greatly pained me, I stood up and started over to where he sat.

I slowly made my way over to him, never taking my eyes off him, not even for a second. At this point he had put his sword back into a sheath that he had on his back, but he was also watching me, following my every movement as I advanced. I soon was standing right in front of him and I bent, offering him the jewel.

"I think that big ugly guy dropped this," I said "And I guess you want it, right?" His eyes never leaving mine, he extended his hand and with the snap of his fingers the little green gem vanished up his sleeve. I straighten, stuffed my hands into my pockets, and watched what he did next. He opened a little pouch that he had on his belt and dropped the green gem in to it. I heard it collide with something and I took a peak. The pouch was filled with a whole bunch of multicolored jewels. I saw sapphires, rubies, diamonds and more emeralds. This guy was seriously loaded.

I sat down next to him, contemplating what I should say or do next, when a tremendous roar split the silence down the middle. Three more of those creatures were stampeding right at us from out of the woods. Almost simultaneously, we jumped to our feet. The green guy once more pulled both shield and sword to the ready. I was standing there like a defenseless cow.

Then I spied a halberd in the grass, courtesy of one of the previous four beasts. I lunged for it and raised it up. I was a bit staggered by its surprising weight, however I adjusted my stance and my grip accordingly so I could use it comfortably. When I felt ready, I took a glance to my right. He was watching me. I gave him the grin of a maniac, let out a booming yell, and charged onto the field of battle.

All the while, my inner mind was screaming at me in a state of hysteria.

Are you nuts? Those things are like freaken bulldozers and your blindingly charging them like a mad man. Run you idiot, RUN! Only two things stopped me. One was, even though I knew the green guy could reduce these things to mere gunk under his boot, I wanted to take a crack at them. I guess seeing this level-headed and braver guy had inspired me. And far more importantly…it was WAY too late to break off.

In an instant I was there, face to face with all three of these massive ugly pig things. Oh the horror! They were even uglier up close and their smell was enough to strip paint off a wall. Without stopping, I used my momentum to position my halberd for a wide arc swing. And swing I did, hoping to survive the encounter.

The result was the most unexpected thing I could have imagined. I figured that they would bat the halberd aside and proceed to mangle me with their own weapons. Instead, I took my swing gripping it by the haft so my swing had maximum length, roughly eight feet. The one in the lead never saw it coming. The blade went right through its midsection, and then kept on going. Normally, when an attack like this is preformed, one usually hits something that stops your weapon. Instead, it went right through, so the arc became more of a full circle causing me to loose my balance and fall.

Although I was somewhat dazed, I regained my feet and got a most unexpected but very welcoming shock. The two unhurt creatures were just standing there looking blank and somewhat clueless. One scratched its head in a way to suggest it was confused. The creature in the lead was looking at its wounded midsection with a look of surprise and something like stupidity. I would guess what was going through its head was along the lines of, "Oh well look at that. I'm dead." I suddenly realized something about these creatures. When they are coordinated they can be somewhat dangerous and noisy. But when startled, they are practically harmless, like a couple of cue tips. Oh, what are the odds?!

The leader had by this time collapsed to the ground and was being consumed by the blue fire. The other two, like me were watching this, dumbfounded. Soon the fire was gone with no trace of the monster. Retuning to the present and noticing the glazed look in their eyes, I decided to take them out. I let out another yell and lunged forward. They obviously had seen more than enough of me, because after dropping their weapons, they ran like terrified sheep.

Although they had been only a couple of feet away they still got ahead of me, what with their long legs, and were pulling out of range. Determined to get them, I wound up and launched the huge polearm. The blade missed entirely, but the wooden shaft still cracked one of them on the back of its skull and it went down. I knew I had killed it when the tell tale blue fire erupted from its form and consumed it. I had done it!

After my second kill, I watched the third one make good his escape. No question he was scared out of gourd. It was making a desperate beeline back to the protection of the woods, moving at a tremendous pace. I could have tried to catch it, but it was far beyond overtaking. As I was turning away, a quiet twang reached my ear and a blur of color flashed right in front of my nose. This was followed by a wailing cry.

I swept my head to the right and saw the green guy still poised. In his hand was a massive hunting bow, its string still quivering. Turning back to the woods, I had a hunch of what I would see. Yep, the running monster was running no more. It had an arrow imbedded in its head. The green guy had pulled off a major shot. The monster was maybe one hundred and twenty yards away. That's three hundred and sixty feet. What a shot!

It didn't take long for the last creature to burst into flames and be burned away. As for the green guy he was straightening out after his shot. He then placed his bow behind him, somewhere under his shield and seemed to hook it onto something. When his hand came back around, the bow was gone. I blinked several times, but I still couldn't find where that bow went. Weird. As I hunted for my weapon, I saw a blue sparkle in the grass and nabbed it. It was another gem, but blue this time. I clenched it in my hand and looked around.

The green dude, much to my surprise was slowly jogging in place. This really didn't make a whole lot of sense to me except maybe he was stretching after the fight. I tuned my attention back to my treasure and was studying it intently when, without warning, I was nearly toppled by a sudden blast of wind.

I regained my footing and looked at the sky. Only one or two puffy clouds. Odd. I looked around for the green guy, but was shocked to see he had vanished. A rustle behind, caused me to spin around fast and whom did I behold? Why, the green dude of course, now standing where his monster had fallen, poking in the grass. This was utterly perplexing until I put two and two together. The green blur earlier was him. When he wants to, he can move at unreal speed. Sweet.

I walk over to the green guy just as he was straightening from his search. It seemed that the monster he brought down didn't have a little gem on it like mine did. As I stood next to him, I extended my hand, the one with the sapphire or what have you, and was completely prepared to fork it over should he want it. However he looked at my hand, then at me, shook his head, and turned away. This surprised me somewhat, but then I think I understood. The first four monsters were all brought down by this guy so he got the reward. I took out two, one of which had the jewel, so I keep it. So it's kinda like finders keepers. Alright then.

As I finished my own intricate thoughts, I was suddenly aware that my fellow monster slayer was no longer nearby. I looked round and saw his green hat vanish behind a large hill farther along the road. I never even asked the guys name or even thanked him for helping a stranger like me out, so I started after him. However I stopped, went back, retrieved my halberd, and then dashed after him.

I ran as fast as I was able. If he decided to use his super speed though, I would never be able catch up with him, unless I happened to come across a high performance supersonic aircraft lying around somewhere. I picked up the pace even more and scaled the hill as quick as you please. Once on top, I looked around. No sign of him.

While on the summit, I studied the lay of the land and took note. This was the first I could see the entire expanse of wherever I was. It kinda reminded me that I wasn't really on my block anymore, what with monsters and superfast green swordsmen running around. That and the landscape. Needless to say I was stupefied. Never before had I seen such a divine and unique stretch of scenery in such a small area. From my perch, I counted almost half a dozen different kinds of natural settings.

I saw massive forests stretching as far as the eye could see, mountains that seemed to disappear into the sky, water perhaps as big as an ocean, swamp lands, great canyons and beyond that, deserts. National Geographic's…eat your heart out. Almost every kind of terrain imaginable and all within sight of one another. And also within my sight range, was right at the base of the hill. A town.

It didn't appear too large, maybe twenty to twenty-two buildings, some larger than others. Most had chimneys with little trails of smoke curling from them. How quaint. I thought back to resent events. The green dude went over this hill, that's true. But did he go to this town? I looked around. Nothing but wilderness terrain surrounded me. That town was definitely the friendliest looking of all the other places he could have gone. I put my money on the town. Besides, I may get an answer or two there. Towns mean people, and at this point, I wouldn't mind talking to someone to get the basic laydown. I started down the hill.

One would think this is easy as pie but its not. Unless you want to go head over heels, you have to walk slowly and very carefully. For this hill was far steeper on this side and rather slippery to boot. Steep hills, I've learned are not fun, in either going up or down. I moved one step at a time using my halberd as a walking stick to maintain balance. I tell you, whoever said going down hill was easier than going up, must have not given it his full consideration. At long last, and only slipping three times...I had arrived.