Part 1

The instant Kaidan had closed the doors to the escape pod he regretted leaving Hope behind. Truthfully, the second she commanded him to go he felt snake-like fingers of terror grip at his insides.

But he had no choice. She was Commander Shepard and he of all people knew she would carry him there if he refused to obey her orders.

And she would do the same with Joker because knowing him he'd think he could still save the ship.

"She's going to be fine, Kaidan." He felt a gentle hand on his shoulder and looked up to meet Liara's wide eyes.

To him, she had always appeared to be less capable than she really was. Her eyes held knowledge of course but he struggled to get past the innocence in them. Although her obvious attraction to Shepard did cast a bit of a negative light on her at first.

He was aware then that he had been clenching his fists so tightly he could feel his nails digging into the flesh of his palms. He relaxed his hands and released the breath he had been holding.

"Yeah…" he nodded.

"She's Shepard," Tali spoke in her quirky accent. "She'll be more than fine."

He smiled the slightest bit, appreciating their efforts to calm him down.

He had been hesitant at first, about accepting all of these aliens into a crew he had assumed would only be human. But Shepard's decision had been the right one as always. Although Wrex did still set him on edge.

But despite the girls' reassuring tones, even after they had been picked up by a fellow Alliance ship he still wasn't able to calm down. Not until he had Hope next to him would he be able to relax.

His footsteps were keeping a constant tempo as he paced up and down the metal floor.

"Kaidan, please, I need to check to make sure you're alright." Dr. Chakwas' eyes followed him.

He hadn't told her about the gash in his side. The constant throbbing and stinging had dulled enough where he was able to hide it. He had to make sure Shepard was alright. That was all that mattered right then.

An alarm sounded suddenly, signaling an approaching object and Kaidan ran to where the pod would dock.

As soon as the door opened, the air releasing with a whoosh, he felt his heart sink.

"Where's Shepard?" His voice was hoarse with worry.

Joker sat alone and his eyes met Kaidan's and dropped to the floor.

He felt the anger grow inside him and he yanked Joker up by the front of his shirt.

"Tell me where she is, Joker. Where is Shepard?" He demanded.

"She's gone, Kaidan! I'm sorry…"

He felt the other man's shirt slip through his fingers. Everything felt numb. The only feeling that bubbled over was anger- fury even.

"You mean she lost her life protecting you? If you had just agreed to abandon ship-" He froze.

Lost her life.

He could barely see Joker, too many thoughts and emotions were blurring his view of the outside world.

"She's not here…You don't know she's dead. She could still be alive. We have to go back and look!"

"Kaidan, she's gone. She was thrown off the ship. There's no way she survived." Joker's voice was softer than usual, knowing this was no time to be his trademark funny self.

Liara's bright blue eyes had darkened and were filled with tears, one hand covering her mouth. Tali stood next to her, placing a friendly hand on the small of her back. Garrus was looking away and Wrex was nowhere to be found.

This team was nothing without Shepard and they knew it.

Kaidan couldn't stand this room anymore, he felt like he was suffocating. He knew this is how Hope have felt. Her air would have run out eventually, if she was lucky enough not to have the tank damaged. And as the air slowly faded away it would have gotten harder and harder for her to breath…

He felt his feet moving but he wasn't sure where he was headed.

A fog had encased his thoughts, he couldn't escape.

What had her last thoughts been? She knew she was dying. She must have had regrets.

Why had he left her? He punched the nearest wall.

His chest was struggling to hold itself together. The cracks were forming like an overfilled dam and he felt sick to his stomach.

He fell to his knees, shutting his eyes tightly against the bright, spinning world. But all he could see was her face.

And then he began to cry. He sobbed, harder than he had in a long time. The Alliance crew around him meant nothing. He couldn't hold it in and fall apart in private; he had no control anymore.

Pain wracked through his body, stemming from his heart.

Why did she always need to be the hero? Why couldn't she have accepted his help and let him stay? Maybe then she'd be alive. Or he'd be dead instead of her.

Too many people had died to protect him already and he felt like Hope was just another to add to the list.

He was still trying to get over her choosing to save him over Ashley and now…

It was supposed to be a new start, they would finally be able to commit to their relationship. Everything would finally be…okay.

She made him smile, made his heart skip a beat, stomach fill with butterflies and could have him babbling like an awkward idiot by just looking at him with those ice blue eyes.

Ashley would always tease him about being the girl in the relationship, but strangely he didn't mind.

But without her he was falling apart. He needed to breath and he couldn't see past his tears.

He could feel footsteps vibrating against the floor. Voices were close but so far away. The burning in his side was growing more intense by the second and he struggled to keep his eyes open. Someone had a hand on his shoulder and was helping him up.

He was involuntarily gripping his side and he shut his eyes against the spinning. He felt the floor rush up to meet him and the grip on his shoulder tightened.

"Whoa there, Kaidan," Garrus' voice met his ears. "This looks bad…"

"Kaidan? Can you hear me?" Someone else was speaking.

Suddenly he was lying down, his armor and shirt being removed to assess the damage.

"Oh dear…That crash gave you quite the beating didn't it?"

"I don't know much about humans, doc. You think he'll be alright?" Garrus questioned from somewhere in the room.

"He's lost a lot of blood…"

The voices were fading away like the light.

Someone was urging him to hold on but he just didn't have it in him anymore.

He felt her name form on his lips and it escaped, only as a whisper.

"Hope…"

And then he let the darkness envelope him and he felt at peace.

He heard her voice.

"Don't you dare let go, Kaidan. This is not the end for you, do you hear me? Don't let go!"

He could feel her presence. He knew she was there. And if he lost this feeling…he would lose himself.

"As your Commander I order you to hold on. This isn't your time. I repeat this is not your time!"

And then everything fell away, even her.

The world come back in a rush of light. A shock rippled through him from his chest, and air poured into his lungs.

He tried to look around but his vision was swimming.

"Please, Kaidan, you need to relax." Dr. Chakwas' voice sounded from above him.

"Shepard…where is she?"

"Let me stabilize you then we can talk."

He couldn't escape the overwhelming sense of heartbreak. And he let a restless sea of black take him.

As he became more aware of his surroundings he could hear hushed voices coming from the other side of the room.

"…have to wonder if he'd have been happier dying…"

"Liara!" It was Tali.

She sighed. "I may not have had my feelings returned, but I love-loved Shepard as well. So I can imagine how he must have felt…"

"He's stronger than you give him credit for, Liara." Garrus said. "If he didn't have the will to live he would have let go."

"I did." Kaidan's voice was weak. He saw the three of them look over. "But she wouldn't let me. You know Shepard though, whatever she says goes…"

"Oh, Kaidan…" Liara got to her feet.

He turned his head away from them and shut his eyes against the tears.

"I just want to be alone right now…" he said quietly.

"You got it." Garrus rose and Tali followed him out the door.

Liara lingered for a moment in the threshold.

"I'm so sorry, Kaidan."

And then the door closed.

He'd like to say that over the next two years things got better; so to make that true he lied to himself. He buried himself in work and was promoted, reaching the status of Lieutenant-Commander. The team all lost contact with each other and part of him liked it better that way. Without Shepard there was a gaping hole, a constant reminder of what was lost.

With a new squad, new people…he could almost pretend nothing ever happened.

Almost.

There came a point when the day's work ended and his mind was left to wander. And it always came back to the same thought.

That he should have died instead of her.

That he could have saved her.

That maybe…they could have been happy together.

And once he was finally able to drift into sleep, it was restless.

"Kaidan…you need to let me go."

She was fading. Each week that went by without her, the more she faded in his dreams.

"I can't…"

"You can't or won't?"

He sighed. "I don't want to…I can't help feeling that…maybe somehow…"

"Kaidan…" She brushed her hand along his cheek and he pressed my face into her hand.

The recollection of her touch was fading and tears sprang to his eyes.

She wiped the tears away.

"Letting go will help with the pain…"

"But I can't help feeling you're still here! That you're still alive…"

"For once if I commanded you I don't think you'd listen," She smiled a little, dropping her hand to his knee.

"There are a few things you have no control over, Commander," he leaned in closer to her and as always, just before he kissed her, he woke up.

His eyes opened upon a dark room yet again, tears streaming down his face. He looked to the table next to the bed and saw the picture was safe and sound.

The media always caught Hope looking determined or inspiring or fierce, but when with the closest in her crew, she relaxed. She was always straight with the odds of winning and enjoyed their company. She bonded individually with each member of the squad, even managing to get Wrex to not mind her company.

But there were the moments when they were alone, when her doubts showed clearly on her face.

When he just wanted to hold her.

"Can't just pull out a good old fashion "it'll be alright" can you?"

He chuckled. He was known for over-thinking things. "It's that easy huh? Okay then, everything'll be fine, Hope. You'll figure it out."

But the moments he truly loved were when she smiled.

The moment he was positive she was the one was captured in this photo.

Her coffee colored skin, sandy hair, ice blue eyes. The look of wonder she had, seeing the true Citadel through that window. The city spread out before her. Moving from space station to space station all her life meant she had never really seen anything like this.

While he was in awe as well, it was her that really grabbed his attention.

He had always had a bit of a…well a crush on her. He looked up to her, saw her determination and will to challenge the impossible. Not to mention her beauty.

But at that moment, seeing her look so genuinely amazed by something took his breath away.

"Why wouldn't the galaxy like humans? We've got oceans, beautiful women, this emotion called love." She smirked. "According to the old vids we've got everything they want."

Kaidan smiled. "When you put it that way there's no reason they wouldn't like you- I-I mean us. Humans. Ma'am." He stumbled over his words.

Ashley looked to him, amused. "You don't take much shore leave do ya, LT?"

But Hope had just smiled, meeting his gaze.

"Thank you, Lieutenant."

Ashley smirked at him knowingly and he looked down, blushing.

"Commander Alenko?" Lilith's voice came from outside of the trailer.

He snapped out of his reverie and finished getting dressed.

Most of the people on the colony of Horizon hated the presence of Alliance.

But there were worries about more attacks and he was sent to confirm the existence of Collectors.

There had been rumors… Before coming out here, Anderson warned him that there were whispers of Shepard being alive and working for Cerberus. But it didn't add up. The Shepard he knew would never join a terrorist organization like that.

And more importantly: how could she be alive?

When the Collectors hit, they weren't prepared, and he knew that he had let everyone down yet again.

Unable to move, he accepted that this would be how he spent his last moments alive.

But then he started to hear gunshots. And it was puzzling. If everyone had been frozen by these strange bugs…it was impossible for anyone to be defending themselves.

Unless…

And when the Collectors fled and the bug's sting wore off he headed for the main gun control; hoping that whoever had activated it would still be there. And then her voice confirmed it.

"I didn't want it to end this way, I did what I could."

"More than most, Shepard." Kaidan was shocked to hear Garrus as well.

From where he was standing to he could see Delan turn back around to face her. "Shepard...wait...I know that name." He thought for a moment. "Sure I remember you. You're some type of big Alliance hero."

Kaidan finally stepped past the crates and the moment he saw her he thought his knees might give out. "Commander Shepard. Captain of the Normandy. The first human Spectre. Savior of the Citadel." He came to a halt. "You're in the presence of a legend, Delan," he paused, looking back to her after casting the man next to him a glance. "and a ghost."

Delan rolled his eyes. "All the good people we lost and you get left behind. Figures. Screw this. I'm done with you alliance types."

Kaidan let him walk away and without saying anything he stepped closer to her, pulling her into a hug; one she immediately returned.

He wanted to fall apart, tell her how much he missed her- how much he needed her.

"Kaidan…" she pulled away slightly and smiled at him.

That smile…God he'd missed it so much.

"Hope…" Just being able to say her name again, where she could respond…

"I sense a past connection here." A rough voice sounded from behind her. Kaidan looked to see a girl covered head to toe in tattoos.

Shepard laughed a little. "It's been too long, Kaidan. How've you been?

"How have I been? Shepard, I thought you were dead." His tone was serious. "Is that all you have to say? You show up after two years and act like nothing happened. I thought we had something, Shepard, something real." His brow was drawn together in pain. "I loved you. Thinking you were dead tore me apart." His voice was rough with choked back tears and his burning hazel eyes conveyed the passion in his words. "How could you put me through that? Why didn't you try and contact me? Why didn't you let me know you were alive?" All of the emotions he'd held back for so long were bubbling over and the only place for them to go was out.

"We do have something real, Kaidan." Her voice had a hint of desperation in it. "You have to believe that. I wanted to contact you but when I went to the Citadel Anderson said your mission was classified."

"And what about the rest of the past two years, huh?"

"That wasn't my choice. I spent the last two years in some kind of coma while Cerberus rebuilt me."

He took a step back then, betrayal clear on his face. "You're with Cerberus now…" Even saying it out loud didn't make it seem real. "Garrus too…I can't believe the reports were right."

Garrus spoke up then. "Reports? You mean you knew?"

His eyes barely strayed to him before going back to Shepard; afraid she might disappear if he looked away too long. "Alliance intel thought Cerberus might be behind the missing colonies. I got a tip this colony might be the next one to get hit. Anderson stone-walled me. But there were rumors… that you weren't dead. That you were working for the enemy."

That she took very seriously. "Cerberus and I want the same thing. To save our colonies. That does not mean I answer to them!" Her hand cut through the air with a symbol of finality.

His eyes narrowed. "Do you really believe that? Or is that just what Cerberus wants you to think?" The pain was clear in her eyes as much as she tried to disguise it. This was killing her. His tone softened. "I wanted to believe the rumors that you were alive. But I never expected anything like this…" His face grew hard again, anger rising up. This wasn't how it was supposed to happen. All the times he imagined her being alive…they never turned out this way. "You turned your back on everything we believed in. You betrayed the alliance." He locked eyes with her, being sure to convey everything he'd felt in the past two years to her through one stare. "You betrayed me."

And what her eyes told him in return was that she couldn't understand why he would do this to her. But he felt the same way.

"Kaidan, you know me. You know I'd only do this for the right reason. You saw it yourself! The Collectors are targeting human colonies and they're working with the Reapers. The Council wouldn't listen, the Alliance wouldn't listen. No matter what it takes I have to save these people."

He sighed. "I wanna believe you, Shepard. I wanna believe your ideas are your own…that you're the same old Hope that I remember but…I don't trust Cerberus. They could be using the threat of a Reaper to manipulate you! What if they're behind it? What if they're working with the Collectors?"

Garrus growled in frustration. "Dammit, Kaidan, you're so focused on Cerberus that you're missing the bigger picture." And chasing away the one thing you've wished you had this whole time.

Kaidan could sense the hidden meaning in the Turian's words.

Her eyes were begging him to understand. "You're letting how you feel about their history get in the way of the facts."

His jaw tightened. "Maybe. Or maybe you feel like you owe Cerberus because they saved you. Maybe you're the one who's not thinking straight. You've changed. But I still know where my loyalties lie. I'm an Alliance soldier, always will be…"

"You know, of all people, I thought you'd be the one to understand me, Kaidan. I guess we've both changed…" She looked away.

He sighed. "I've gotta report back to the Citadel. They can decide if they believe your story or not."

"No…" She reached out to him. "Come with me, Kaidan…please. It'll be just like old times." She forced a smile.

He brushed her hand away and shook his head. "No, it won't. I'll never work for Cerberus." He took one last good look at her; wishing things didn't have to end this way. "Goodbye, Shepard." He paused. "And be careful."

As he walked away he heard her speak into her intercom, the voice of someone pretending to be strong. "Joker, send the shuttle to pick us up. I've had enough of this colony…"

You and me both, Shepard. You and me both.